The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: The Ogbenyssian Protocol

man holding pipe statue

It was once again the Day of Bar Charr Mortis and the people of Jirriah recalled with warm disgust where exactly they were on the day that Bar Charr did a Beelle Corsbi and became a Ghost Daddy. The Coffee pestilence was still upon them but news of it had been subsumed by events in Trumpstantinople, where a charcoaloid citizen had been unlawfully killed by an elbuboid member of the constabulary. Yea, the eluboids had pressed the charcoloid’s Georghinho. In the gaddem neck.

It was the latest in a series of charcoloid persecution at the hands of some eluboids, without consequence. The charcoloids had had enough and burst onto the streets of every Trumpstantinoplan prefecture, declaring, “Charcoloids Matter! Charcoloids Matter!” Lo, some eluboids found this offensive and declared instead, “All Loids Matter! All Loids Matter!” And there was a conflagration in all countries of the earth.

In the Jirrian Kingdom of Edom, electoralis was at hand as the first quadrannium of King Bar Sekky drew to a close. The hand of Shomolek, Head of House Apicuria and erstwhile King of Edom himself was set against Bar Sekky and there was no gaddem chill. Shomolek came unto the people of Edom and said unto them, “Great people of Edom, I know it was only a quadrannium ago I came unto thee and told ye that Ser Yamu-Yamu was unfit to be King. Forgive me, for I knew not what I was saying then. I am older now, and wiser. And I have grown. And I am speaking my truth. Behold, tis Bar Sekky who is unfit, for he respecteth not the God fathership of thy Kings past.” Verily, verily Bar Sekky replied unto him, “Gourrd purrnish your parrparr!”

Meanwhile, in that day, there were two squires from the House of Sabimento – Chxta of Greece and Ednut the Fonjissimo. Yea, in their work for Sabimento, they traversed Jirriah interrogating the facts behind the gossip pervading the land. By and by, their quills told of a pestilence upon the land, worse than Coffee One Nine, from which the perpertrators profited immensely. It was a pestilence that flew by night, day and any other gaddem time it cared, for the Constabulary was either complicit or powerless to stop it – Humannapping.

Behold, their report came unto the Jirrians, many of whom were rightly perturbed. But the Lovengers dismissed it, declaring it the mischievous work of mercenary Aliminic agents. Yet, it was in Sin-Sinna the home Kingdom of King Gambrach himself that the matter came to a head. The towns and villages were pillaged and the municipal head of House Apicuria in Sin-Sinna was Humannapped. Completely at a loss at what to do next, King Asari Dumbello proclaimed, “Behold, I hereby renounce the gentleman’s agreement between us Sin-Sinnans and our tormentors. I know not what I shall do next but see how strongly and passionately I denounce them!!!”

The people saw it and there was no chill.

In Ekonnos, the Kalahari Newsgatherers had huffed and puffed but they could not blow down the house of Muddy O’Basha. O’Basha convened on the Grams of Inster with Ser Mommodeen, Chronicler of the Ostentatious and declared, “You dey whine me ni? Money is for spending!” Yea, the people looked on in wonderment, as his fellow Ekonnosian Lexiconmen, in unison, passed a resolution of WonOBiYinDa in his support, yea, as their spouses received promise of a dubailoid expedition. And there was no chill in Ekonnos.

The unchill swirled even louder as news came unto the people that Ogbenyssius and Shiwajun no longer saw eye to eye. This made no sense to the people of Twilistia and Social Mediana, for both Shiwajun and Ogbenyssius were Oshunlonicans and Ogbenyssius had pledged fealty to Shiwajun for many years. Was Ogbenyssius threatening the eternal harmony of Iragbishire? Had he prevented another van of bullion from entering the palace of Body Lawn?

Then word came to the people that Ogbenyssius had been betrayed by Shiwajun in the proclamation of the new Chief of Eeru, and as a result, in fact, Ogbenyssius himself spurred by the words of King El-Farquaad of Dunamis was steeling himself to vie against Shiwajun for the Iron Throne of Boo Jar once the second quadrannium of Gambrach was done.

The people of Twilstia and Social Mediana beheld it all. And there was no gaddem chill in all the gaddem land!

The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: A Cavern for Lady Bee-Ree

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The peoples of Jirriah were restrainfully going about their daily business, when it was carried on the whispers of the wind that King Gambrach had appointed a successor to Ser Bakky Arie. They were mostly nonplussed, yet they wondered who Gambrach’s choice would be and whether he would also be the sort of Chief Helmsman Gambrach could delegate all his responsibility so that he could carry on doing nothing.

They did not have to wait too long as confirmation finally came from the desk of FemCallamitus that Gambrach had sipped of his mystical goblet again and chosen an elderly statesman, Ser Barry, to be his new Chief Helmsman. Yea, did the Lovengers proclaim it the greatest post-deceasement appointment in all Kingly history. But the Wailers quickly pored over the chronicles of times past and stumbled upon one written by no other than FemCallamitus himself.

In the reign of Bar Charr the Eternally Benevolent, Ser Barry was emissary to the Universe of Nations, where all the kingdoms of the world gathered to speak in high falluting terms, but not much else. Bar Char had ordered the unfair trial and expeditious execution of Ser Kenneth WheeWhar and the Goony 9, to scathing condemnation at the Universe of Nations. Like Gambrach, Barry was incapable of finding fault with Bar Charr. This would come back to hurt Ser Barry when the peoples neighbouring the Goonies flatly refused his appointment as a peace broker. FemCallamitus in his previous uncalamitous incarnation as a chronicler pointedly reminded Ser Barry of his grovelling, bootlicking, lovenger-like past. Yeah, once again, irony had come to Jirriah to die.

The Twilistians in Jirriah had little time to mull over the past however, as the number among them facing the Coffee One Nine plague continued to increase worryingly across all the kingdoms. All the kingdoms, that is, except the kingdoms of Kogitaria where King Jar-Jar Bellows reigned, and the Crescent Lake Kingdom where King Benner Yade sat on the throne. Their subjects remained in pristine health. And when the people asked King Yade how it so, he replied, “Behold, tis not a matter for protracted cranial calisthenics. For, in what I have in my unique and uncommon wisdom, captioned ’emperatio maiguardi’, I have done absolutely nothing but patrol the borders of Crescent Lakes all day and all night. My eyesight is enhanced with natalicious imbroglio, enabling me to perform an identificato mazamaza of any virulent sub-atomic particles in the air.”

“Ah, so if the Royal Infirmieres arrive to test Crescent Lakians, like King Trumpet of Trumpstantinople, they too wouldst test positively negative?” the people of Social Mediana enquired.

“No, no, no, no. Like my brother-King Jar-Jar Bellows, I am an ardent believer in the Disparetto Principle of Zero -One Hundred. Zero tests will always yield a perfect health score. Finkabourrit.” And there was no chill in the land.

In Ekonnos, Ser Muddy O’Basha the warden of the legislatum came under intense scrutiny from the Kalahari Newsbearers. Each day, they told a different story alleging larceny and embezzlement by Ser O’Basha. In less civilised and inferiorly evolved kingdoms, the shame would have forced any politician out of office. But this was Jirriah, where the politicians had a unique genetic mutation of the shame gene, rendering them all impervious to opprobrium and disgrace. News came to the people that Shiwajun, himself a proprietor of newsbearing organisations, had warned all and sundry not to amplify the allegations against O’Basha. But the Kalahari Reporters seemed to be playing the long game. And the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission was uncharacteristically flaccid at the opportunity to investigate allegations of illegal enrichment.

Such flaccidity was not to be found in the chambers of Lar Yi, Gambrach’s Counsellor for Propaganda and Obfuscation, however. At his behest, under a bogus law that purportedly made it illegal for Social Medianites to cause annoyance to Kingsmen, the Constabulary had thrown a writer in jail for just that on the Feast of Eiden. Yea, there was no chill in the land.

In Trumpstantinople, the King’s opponent in the forthcoming electoralis had emerged. His name was Ser Abiden ByMe. Ser Abiden had served as Hand under King Barma. Abiden ran into a spot of trouble when he told Champagne-Man that he wasn’t a Jigger. And unchill rumbled across the kingdoms of the earth.

In Jirriah, news came to the Social Medianites and the Digital Perusites from the mouth of Lady Bee-Ree, who served as Gambrach’s Counsellor for Those Who Had Seen the Light and Fled the Kingdom. She praised her workmen for their diligence but lamented that they had no chambers to call their own for they had been cast out by Ser Izzy Bikinimi, Gambrach’s Counsellor for Connectivity.

“Ser Bikinimi expelled us from the cavern offered to us by the King’s Commissioner because he realised, contrary to what he had previously believed, that I was female and allowing us to remain would have been Her Ram. Lo, he cast us out by the hand of armed officers of the King’s Constabulary.”

Ser Bikinimi was livid and came into Twilistia to proclaim the mendacity of Lady Bee-Ree’s assertions. “This is a lie. A falsehood. A great untruth. For I know no armed constables.”

“Laughing out Loud, Ser Bikinimi,” responded Lady Bee-Ree, ” a scholar of your purported standing – laughing out loud again, bro – ought not to indulge in this on the Feast of Eiden. Our tools remain sealed in the cavern – release them unto us. And remember the words of FemCallamitus – time as a Kingsman is too temporary for us to be groveling, bootlicking tin idols.”

Of course, Gambrach unlooked their bickering. FemCallamitus, who had been trying to lie low since the unearthing of his ancient Barryian chronicle heard his name and was angry. “Why are you calling my gaddem name? What in the gaddem heck does this have to do with me????”

And all across the land, there was not a single gaddem chill to be found.

The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: The Unseen Hand of the Vaccinatti

person in white gloves with blue textile on lap

The pestilence was unrelenting in the force with which it swept through the kingdoms of the earth. The petrolatums of the nations regained some of its lost value but Iron Banks around the corners of the world reeled from its impact still. Mefilius, the Warden of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar, saw the depreciation of reserves coming from afar and, brimming with wisdom, decided to levy a unilateral deductivo ad piggybanki of One Billion shekels on each of the Jirrian banks.

This deductivo ad piggybanki hit the Jirrian banks in their solar plexuses. The Bank of Arc Sex was particularly so winded by the punch that its Chief Usurist, Ogunday YakkyWe, assembled all the hands of the bank in Zoomitopia and said unto them, “As Mefilius deductivoed our piggybanki, the bank of Arc Sex shall do also unto thee, including me. Yea, no one shall feel this burden harder than myself, as I shall forfeit nearly half of my wages. Tis true that this will have cause but a mere ripple in the profits-benefits continuum but never mind that. The Bank of Arc Sex shall be stronger, even as we bid some of thee farewell.”

News of the potential farewelling of the people of Arc Sex reached the lords of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar, wherefore they declared, “there shall be no terminato employmentico without the blessing of Mefilius.” Yea, the Arc Sexers heaved a sigh of relief.

But there was still no chill in the land. For in the Kingdom of Car-Knoe, the engravists of the deceased had raised a loud cry, “Behold, we are overwhelmed! Yea, the land is overwhelmed and we cannot engrave any further till somebody tells us why so many gaddem people are in need of engravement!”

MaCashma Gandi, King of Car-Knoe, resplendent in his be-Benjamined robes, had absolutely no answers to this great mystery. He did not know if it was the Coffee One Nine disease causing the deaths. All he knew was that Gambrach had sent King Shangolulu of Ekonnos carriageloads of shekels and none had come to Car-Knoe. “Give us shekels in Car-Knoe,” he demanded, “that we might through shekelisation uncover the unseen hand behind this mystery.”

And whilst King MaCashma awaited the benevolence of Gambrach, many of the kings of North Jirriah began sending the Al Magiricks back and forth between their kindoms, for fear that the Coffee One Nine would find a haven with them. The Al Magiricks were children sworn to an oath of scriptural scholarship, in the eternal quest for the revelation of the truth. A life of philosopher-kingship awaited any Al Magirick who could complete his quest. The peoples of Jirriah saw this game of Al Magirickshi between the kings and there was no chill in the land.

In Kogitaria, King JarJar Bellows had built an isolarium to care for those under the scourge of Coffee One Nine, with pomp and circumstance. That night, one of the pets of Dinobetes Mellitus, Bellows’ nemesis, escaped from its confinement. It was the notorious big, bad wolf. It huffed and puffed and blew the gaddem isolarium down. And there was still no chill in the land.

But succour succour lopo lopo arrived, when yet again, Bar Charr posthumously activated a palliative package for the people of Jirriah. Behold it was in excess of Three Hundred Million Trumpetistani shekels. And the people of Jirriah, from Twillistia to Whatsappia, across all of Social Mediana, sang of the unending benevolence of Bar Charr. Wherefore Gambrach said to FemCallamitus in Bedrock, “Thou seest it? Have I not always maintained that Bar Charr stole not? For he was laying away treasures for the peoples of Jirriah against the rainy day.” The ghost of Bar Charr smiled and vanished into a tractor beam.

It was also in that day that the Iron Bank of Imofu also granted Gambrach’s request for money. And again there was no chill in the land, as the Wailers cried, “Yet another loan???” And the Lovengers replied, “Tis not a loan, you fools!” To which the Wailers replied, “But we have to pay it back with interest! What is this called on Planet Gambrach?” And their back and forth continued, fulfilling the ancient prophecy of the bard, Fellanimus Kutinski “Argument, Argument, Argument!”

Behold it was also in that day that the spirit of  theoreticus conspiratus swept through the land. From the loving world of Jehricurlia to the illuminatic recesses of the mind of Farney Kaye the mystic, there was agreement on Coffee One Nine being a grand scheme to bring about Pharmageddon – the day evil forces would apparently take over the world by means of enforced pharamacology. And the voice of Farney Kaye rang out loudly, “Behold, I have for years warned ye about the unseen hand of the Illumanti in the affairs of men. Now I foretell a greater disaster – that this man who spends his great wealth helping poor countries, fighting diseases, philanthropicising, drinking water and generally minding his business deceiveth thee. He conspireth not with the Illuminati but the Vaccinatti!!!”

And in all the land, there was not a single gaddem speck of chill to be found.

 

The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: Coughing One Nine

brown coffee beans

Thus it was that pestilence continued to rage across the Kingdoms of the earth. Yea, the men of science had finally agreed on its name. It was neither the colonialvirus (for it no longer discriminated between empires and colonies) nor the cyclonialvirus nor even the moronavirus. Its name was Coffee-Nineteen, because it was molecularly shaped like the 19th nucleus of a coffee bean but more so because it reignited the flow of the milk of human kindness amongst the peoples of the earth.

The rulers of the nations addressed their citizens daily, informing them of the plans to flatten the aromatic curve of the Coffee, but not the king of the Jirrians, for he was nowhere to be seen. “Where is Gambrach?” the people demanded, for the umpteenth time in his reign. “Will he not speak to us, like his mates of the insaner climes and even those in Freekah?”

Behold FemCallamitus came unto the Char Knells, in the chamber of the Thankful Peacock, to inform the people that speaking to them was against the style of Gambrach. “For the King wouldst rather speak to more important people,” said FemCallamitus, “and know ye not that each word of Gambrach is a priceless commodity, carefully curated by the gods on Olympus, so that Gambrach wouldst not misyarn?”

But later that very night, as the people slept, King Gambrach came to each of them in a dream to bless them. “Fear not, Jirrians. For my kingdom is a kingdom of life and I have commanded my Lords and Earls and Princes to gird themselves for the battle against this dastardly disease. Fear not, for we shall vanquish this disease, this nonsense Coffin One Nine.”

The people all woke up and were perplexed. Not because Gambrach had simulcasted to them whilst they slept, but because he had re-dubbed the plague Coffin One Nine. And they remained unsatisfied, for he refused to address them directly and the pestilence advanced menacingly.

Then, from the nether lands of Oceania, a clergyman named MamSalam arose and began to taunt Gambrach without warning. And there was no chill in the land, as the Lovengers railed against the attack. Finally, the voice of Gambrach came loudly from Bedrock, according to the wishes of the people, he was hailed alike by Wailer and Lovenger for demonstrating command of the situation. Yea, didst MamSalam, together with Reign O’Mockery, King Gejoshaphat’s emissary to Social Mediana, perform the ancient ritual of Give Ehwhey, to celebrate the occasion.

However, news came to the people that Bakky Arie had been struck by the Coffee-19 and had taken ill. Then it was told to them that King El-Farquaad of Dunamis had also been struck, as had King Sheyovski of Oyokolova. Lo, there was no chill in the land.

It was in that day that Bellows the son King El-Farquaad came unto the Social Medianites and lamented saying, “’tis a thing most terrible to be ruled by a King that cannot invoke the Mosaic spirit of anti-plagueness to defend his people!” Wherefore one of the Social Medianites enquired most politely, “Dost thou mock King Gambrach and thy father King El-Farquaad? For they imbibe not this spirit of the Mosaic.”

Behold, a red mist descended upon Bellows and he bellowed in anger, “Thou Ipobusinian infidel! Thou wretch of South Easteros! Behold, I shall know thy mother most biblically and I shall invite my friends to partake of the knowledge as well, thou Ipobusinian scumbag scummm!!!” And, gadddemmmmmm, there was no chill in the land.

The people of Social Mediana cried unto Lady Deezer, mother of Bellows saying, “Lady Deezer! Behold thy son!” but she replied, “Bother me not, for tis the ancient gbasgbotic wisdom of Twillistia that all is fair in a give-en-tekk.” And the Lords and Ladies of Sponsorallia were aghast, that Lady Deezer would not chastise Bellows.

Yea, even Lady Zekway of Bboganvilla cried in amazement, “Bellows, is this a threat of forceful carnal knowledge I see thee make?”, to which Bellows replied, “Send me an emissary or a  gaddem pigeon, woman!”

Lady Deezer quickly saw the folly of her position and recanted but Bellows did not. A day and  a night passed, and the unchill raged until, finally, Bellows came back meek and yellow unto the Twillistians, singing the words of the bard Brigh-Anner Dams – “Please forgive me, I know not what I do. Please forgive me, they raised me well, it’s true. Don’t deny me, this surname-pain I’m going through. Please forgive me, you Ipobusinians too.

However, before the people could wash their hands so they could link them and sing along, FemCallamitus announced to them that Bakky Arie had succumbed to the Coffee, and was no more. And behold, there were new chronicles in the land. Chronicles of Kyill, of the goodness of Bakky Arie and how grossly the Jirrian peoples misunderstood him. But the people unlooked.

Lo, as the funeral cortege returned to Bedrock, they saw that a huge notice had been placed on the gates forbidding them from entry. Gar Bar looked pleadingly through the gates at Caballum, who sat inside, sad and glum. But Caballum could do nought, for Lady Yeeshah held the keys. “Well”, announced Gar Bar to the Twillistians, “this is not a gaddem big deal. We are only locked out until we are determined Coffee – free, as far as we are concerned.”

“Yes”, said Lady Yeeshah. “As far as YOU are concerned.”

And then, news came from Trumpstantinople that petrolatum, the gold of Jirriah, was depreciating quicker in value than salt by the ocean. And then, truly, there was not a gaddem speck of chill in all the land!

 

 

The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: Interregnum in Car-Knoe

gray and black wooden chair with fabric cushion

Yea, in that day, a great pestilence befell the kingdoms of the earth and a whirlwind of unchill tossed the seas. Some people called it colonialvirus because it struck at the imperial heartlands of Old Europiana. Other people called it cycloneavirus, as it blew unchill all the way from the Woo-Hand Province in Jinpingopia to the boroughs of Jandinia to the lagoons of Ekonnos in Jirriah, where King Shangolulu was pointedly on top of the matter.

It was not known if the cycloneavirus was the cause but Mar-Goo of the Everly Failing at Convictions (until recently) Commission was certainly afflicted with something. For the people beheld in wonderment as he declared in vainglorious self-assuredness, surrounded by griots sipping the sweet nectar of sycofancia from their gourds, that cycloneavirus was created in the dungeons of corruption.

“This soundeth like something only someone with moronavirus couldst say,” the people protested. Behold, this caused the clerks of the Everlies to come unto the people in Social Mediana to say, “Y Jirrians are thoroughly deaf! For if ye were not deaf, when Mar-Goo the Righteous declared that the pestilence was forged in the dungeons of corruption, ye would instead have heard him actually say corruption is a bad thing. Is this disputable.”

But Mar-Goo was not to be corrected, insisting, “I said that which I said.” Wherefore the Clerks of the Everlies shut their gaddem mouths and said nought further.

And the pestilence did not abate. It went out unto all the global stock fish markets, causing the stock to go sour all over the world. Yea, it even affected the price of Jirria’s priceless petrolatum, cause it to plummet to only one score and ten Trumpetstani shekels. The people looked unto Gambrach, but he unlooked them all. For he was sore at the prospect of his enforced stay on Jirrian shores as a result of the viral pestilence and the dimunition of his receipt of the Code of Esther at .

The cyclone also blew unto Shomolek, warden of the Apicureans. His battle with King Deus-Vici, of his home kingdom in Edom, had assumed such epic proportions that the Magistratum had ruled him no longer warden. “Only the godscan determine my Wardeny!” declared Shomolek, as he found a judge from another division of the magistracy to void the prior order. But, lo, was he greatly shocked when he went unto the Apicurean headquarters and mere mortals restrained his ingress into the premises.

“Do you not recognise me? Behold your Warden!” protested Shomolek. Lo, the guards gently replied, “Like a great warden once said – he who hath not the intestinal fortitude for rigging is best served being a political spectator.” And it was a big wawu for Shomolek.

In Car-Knoe, fresh off his victory at the disputio gubernatosis, King Macashma Gandi decided it was time to deal with his own private pestilence. “Darth Wheezus,” he called to his scribe for Social Mediana.

“Yes, O great king of the monied robes?” answered Darth Wheezus.

“Remind me – Noo Si, the Caliph of Car-Knoe, did he attend the wishing well commissioning ceremony we sent him to last week?”

“Nay, my King. He prefereth to pontificate about poverty and education and the failure of the Northern Kings to advance their peoples. Such great disrespect, my King.”

“What? Even after I hung, drew and quartered his caliphate?”

“Even more so, my King. It is as if the Caliph deemeth himself above you, Your Majesty.”

“How dare he?” riled Macashma Gandi. “His robes are only embroidered with silk. Mine are embroidered with far the more valuable threads of benjamene.”

“So what does Your Majesty now wish to do?” asked Darth Wheezus.

“Summon my council. He shall be deposed and he shall be banished! What a barn-zar!”

Thus it was that the news went out unto the people in Social Mediana, Twillistia and all of Jirriah that Noo Si was no longer Caliph in Car-Knoe. And there was no gaddem chill in the land.

The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: The Soldiers of Shiwajun

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Thus it was, in the kingdom of Kogitaria, that electoralis minora came and went. King Jar-Jar Bellows was announced by the Necomongers as triumphant and he returned for a second quadrannium. The Nassholes had approved a Gambrachian bequeathment of 10 billion shekels to King Bellows on the eve of electoralise but King Gambrach’s eau de spartanesse obscured the putridity of the gift. Ser Smarty Panties also defeated Dinobetes Mellitus in the re-run of their contest. Wherefore Dinobetes again broke into song, singing, “skay lay woo, skay lay woo, skay lay woo, skay lay lay lay lay lay lay.”

It was a most busy time for the Magistracy in the kingdom. The Nassholes wouldst have also been busy but they scrutinised nothing and debated nothing, as their Warden Nar-Wal had repeatedly declared, “We shall pass unseen laws by faith. And yea, shall we grant whatever King Gambrach most holy requests of us, for his thoughts towards us are for good and not for evil. Rubberstampia….?” “IN EXCELSIS!!!” responded the Nassholes.

The Nassholes were also contemplating building a wall around Social Mediana, including Digital Perusia, Twillistia and the Book of Faces. Yea, it caused the people much unchill, for the senateens most vocal about the wall were Bomi Nayshun the Erotica Pugilista and Haba Mo-rawn the enscandalled former Warden of the Border Force.

But back to the Magistracy, for it was confronted with the trial of Worh Reh of the Kalahari Newsbearers. He had been arrested by the Despotic Squad Squadron (lo, they had been rechristened), for tagging a hash of revolution against the glorious name of King Gambrach most upright. Many times, the Magistratum had ordered his release into surety but again and again the Despotic Squadron disrespectfully declined, saying “How shall we release him? What if he is swarmed by locusts from the planet of jupiter? Or kidnapped by Amazons and turned into a sex slave? Or worse, a gaddem ostrich flying in the sky takes a dump that lands on his head? We must keep him safe in our custody, for we love him!”

Finally, the Magistrate had had enough and declared, “Tell the gaddem Warden of the gaddem Despotic Squadron the if he does not release gaddem Worh Reh as I have gaddem ordered, he will have to dislodge my magistratic foot from his gaddem rectum!” Behold, Worh Reh was released pronto but the very next fricking day, in the chambers of the Magistracy, the Despotic Squadron sought again to accost the Kalari Newsbearer. And the people of Twillistia and Social Mediana couldst bear it not and there was great unchill in the land. Even Sagacious, Gambrach’s Counsellor for the Stoppage of Graft – a reKanter and frequent advocate for subsumption of the law – couldst not stomach it.

Wherefore, Gar Bar, scribe of Gambrach came unto the Social Medianites saying, “The Despotic Squadron were exercising their mandate. This is a kingdom of law and order. No one threatens a contention against the King and goes scot free!” And the people cried in response, “But Gambrach invoked the gods of Doggandbaboonia against King Gejoshaphat! Not a finger was lifted against him.” Gar Bar replied, “Tis true, but remember ye not that he only threatened dogs and baboons and not the king himself!?!? Let us speak with common sense, please!”

Behold, the unchill grew.

Fortunately for King Gambrach and his men, a bard of international renown came unto the Jirrians and got them turnt. Her name was Ekadibi and maigheeeeeurd (!) everything about her visit was lit and Jirrians were distracted momentarily. Ekadibi also went to the neighbouring Coast of Gold, where the Goldcoastian Twillistia Nobles lined up to see her as children would Saint Nicholas. Alas, she did not come unto them for she was chewing upon kebabs, provoking their fury. And thus did Jirrians win the battle of the Ekadibesian visitation.

Upon the Ekadibesian departure, news came to the Social Medianites that Lord Chickener, Warden of the Poll Tax, of whom Bakky Arie had previously queried his unGambrachian collection, had reached the end of his tenure. It was a renewable tenure, but Bakky Arie had slipped Gambrach some non-alcoholic mead in his Mystical Gourd of Nerr Potty, and thus was a new Warden for the Poll Tax appointed. His name was Muna Mee, a man of the Ananite Abacus.

Lord Chickener was one of Shiwajun’s men and so Shiwajun sent a frantic raven to Gambrach, saying, “Yo, my gee. What it do? I’m just going to keep it real with you right now, this was not the plan, yo! How you gon’do my man Chickener like that? How you gon’do *me* like that? And an Ananite? An Ananite??? When you know Icandescents are the shizznit? Fix up, bro. Fix up, stat! Forget not my Wahala Morghulis. One love.”

As he sent off the raven to Bedrock, Shiwajun assured his men he had sorted it. Lo, as day broke, news came from Bedrock to the camp of Shiwajun. “Has Gambrach fixed it?” Shiwajun asked of the emissary, who remained silent. Bandi Ruiz, who was serving as Warden of the Premium Onigbese Bank (PogBa), quickly grabbed the parchment and his face immediately fell. “My Lord, I have been replaced as Warden of PogBa with immediate effect – this letter is from the King.”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT????!!!!” cried Shiwajun and all the nobles of South-Westeros in Jirria with him.. “Bandi Ruiz has lost to Adam Joshua? Well, my man Osinoshin is still the King’s Hand. All is not yet lost.”

But before the people could add to the unchill in the cosmos, Lady Yeeshah, wife of Gambrach, came unto them again in a fit of Ni-Banaso, protesting, “Gar Bar testeth me! He testeth me, swearraghad and I’m just letting you all know that I am vexed. I wouldst have told my husband Gambrach in the other room to deal with it but Gar Bar and his real masters Caballee and Caballum have changed the bed to a single bed! And in case, he’s never around, but that’s not the point! I can’t even have a private moment with the King anymore and so I air our dirty laundry, so you all can join your voices to mine. Worh Reh is not the only victim of Caballee and Caballum. Save me too! But let Gar Bar be warned, gaddemmitt!!!”

And in that day, the spirit of Mbaku fell upon the Wallop news gatherers, of Papyrus Mediana, and they declared, “We have watched and listened from the mountains! We have watched with disgust as our state-securital advancements have been overseen by a man-child! Who scoffs at democratic traditions! And you have handed this nation over to a King who rules and allows his agencies to administer as if there is no law. We will not have it! I said, we will not have it! And thus we proclaim, until this King reverts to his democratic face – the one he had when he realised how the Union Sovietika fell without a single canon being fired – until freedom and justice are again the beacons upon which our kingdom stands, we shall revert to the Centurion name and rank he bore as a usurper, when he first ruled as a Man of Gunn, and we shall refer to his Kingdom as a regime. Selah.”

The Wallopian Declaration, as it came to be called, was well-received across the land and the publishers of the Wallop News were hailed for calling King Gambrach to account. Not that he could hear them for he had again boarded his winged Chariot to the Land of the Pharaohs. But his griot FemCallamitus heard it loud and clear. Behold, did he respond, “Ye gaddem cocka-roaches! If ye call him a general, tis his rank and it changeth nothing. Savour ye for now the freedom ye enjoy to talk smack. Tis sweet, no?”

Lo, the people heard it and in all the land there was nary a gaddem speck of chill to be found.

 

 

The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: The Manhandling of the King’s Hand

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Thus it was the news reached Lady Yeeshah that a wedding was afoot to rectify her absence from Gambrach’s other room in Bedrock and furiously, she sent ravens from Jandinia to Jirria to enquire from her Lord. But they did not fly quickly enough and she hastily readied her winged chariot and returned to Boo Jar.

 

As she set her foot on the Gambranich Hills of Boo Jar, the Social Medianites were greeted with visions of Lady Yeeshah’s anger, for it appeared unto them that a section of the castle had been cordoned off to her – for security, her handmaiden said. And in the visions, shaky as they were in their recordal, Lady Yeeshah proclaimed in a fit of Ni-Banaso, “There is only one Queen in this castle. Tis I! And did the ancient bards Couche not sing it – if ye see the soldiers by my side, on the left and on the right, my garrison around me – how canst a mere chamber constitute an insecurity to me?”

 

The noise was too much for Gambrach and sorely inflamed his Many Year’s Disease. “Damn this noise”, he said, “I shall go to the Kingdoms of Sah-Oud and Jandinia for a quick minute. I cannot bear this any further.” So he mounted his winged chariot and was off.

 

And the Twillistines believed the vision not, until the prophetess who brought it unto them declared herself the progeny of Myman Dee, Gambrach’s very close confidant. She said, “the vision  was an old vision. Gambrach broke all protocols for the sake of my father Myman Dee and allocated quarters to us to which we were by no means entitled. If thou desirest similar favour, declare ye then also, that all protocols will broken for your sake! Proclaim it that ye too shall be beneficiaries of anyhowitty!” Lo, did unchill rumble in the land.

 

In the Kingdom of Kogitaria, elecotralis minor was at hand, and the inglorious quadrannium of King Jar-Jar Bellows was coming to an end. The term of Dinobetes Mellitus as a senateen had also been halted by the Magistratum, who ordered a do-over for Dinobetes and his perennial rival, Smarty Panties. The Magistratum decision hit Dinobetes so hard, that he hired a video-documentist to capture him, clad in sackcloth housecoat, in cacophonous lament to his deity.

 

Refreshed by his time in the presence of his deity and imbued with a renewed sense of piety, Dinobetes went out unto the Kogitarians to warn them of the perils of a further quadrennium of Jar-Jar Bellows. He cried out in a loud voice to them, saying “Fellow Kogitarians, thus saith my personal Lord gawd unto thee! Though I contend not in this electoralis, ye must reject Jar-Jar because I, Dinobetes am better to behold, I Dinobetes am more suavely enlightened, I Dinobetes Mellitus have dropped monster hits back to back to back and most of all, dear Kogitarians, you must reject Jar-Jar Bellows because my coital kung-fu is by far superior to his. And you know what they say – a king that cannot sling his thing like wing cannot sting with zing!” Yea, the unchill continued to rumble.

 

At senatii, the era of Rubberstampia in Exclesis was well underway, as Ser Naw Wal the new warden sought to bring down the veil of Chexanbalenciaga, which had hitherto ensured that the King acted always within the confines of the law of the land. “We have a King most divine, most holy – why shall we curb his powers? We trust him. We shall pass his laws without seeing them, because with faith in King Gambrach, we shall remove mountains! Rubberstampia…”

 

“…IN EXCELSIS!!!” the Nassholes responded giddily.

 

Behold, there was nary a Kingsman without some giddiness in his heart. None more so than Al-Meed, the Warden of the Impost. Ever since the borders with the countries neighbouring Jirria were shut, he had felt the spiritual monetary coefficient of the kingdom rising steadily in the barometer of his heart. In the presence of the Social Medianites and the Digital Perusites, he convened a meeting of his Impostors, easy to do as they were all now jobless, and charged them to believe even more in the Gambrachian Blockade. “Cast your eyes to the Far East and consider the Kingdom of Maochinista, who embarked upon this journey many years before we did. For four decades, the people wallowed in disease, poverty and starvation and their king even died. But once he died, the seed of the blockade came into maturity. And the whole world came to see and agree that a few million deaths is a small price to pay Big Border Glory. Jirria will be greater than Maochinista, never mind the noise of the attention-seekers pretending to be unduly suffering.”

 

Lo, there was even more unchill upon the land.

 

And it was in that day that word came unto the Twillistines that Bakky Arie had voyaged to Jandinia with parchmento legislatum for Gambrach to sign and turn into law. Wherefore the people asked, “Why hast Osinoshin, the Hand of the King, not appended the royal insignia to the parchment?” in response to which the Lovengers responded, “The King can be king from any gaddem kingdom in the world!” The people were unsatisfied and the unchill rumbled louder.

 

Further word then came that all the aides of the King’s Hand had been stripped eh-whey. Yea, before the Twillistines could protest, Lor-Lu Kon-Dey, the Hand’s Squire said to the people in a loud voice, “Believe ye not these machinations of febrile and noxious minds. The aides of the King’s Hand remain in situ. We may all be subject to the Deux Cabales in reality but come on, damnit, can we not even pretend to be orderly?”

 

If the people were confused, it did not last very long because Gar Bar, Gambrach’s scribe dusted off his megaphone and spake unto the people saying, “If wishes were horses, the aides of the King’s Hand would ride. Lo, they rode and now they ride no more, for Gambrach taketh their horses to ye olde town road and dismisseth them with royal flourish. And take heed, FFS, that ‘tis Gambrach, not any fricking Deux Cabales, who sacketh them. For even though they be principalities, there remaineth a name above all names!”

 

The people heard it and there was no gaddem chill in the entire Kingdom. The Deux Cabales chuckled and in Jandinia, Myman Dee commerated the anniversary of his three-score and two decades of existence.

The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: Leguminae Sufficiento

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Thus it was that the list of Gambrach’s would-be councillors arrived at senatii for approval in rubberstampia. The citizens of Jirriah had waited with bated breath and acute apprehension for the list that Gambrach had held to his chest for so long. Or perhaps it was Caballee and Caballum, the legendary Deux Cabales, thorns in Lady Yeeshah’s flesh, that had withheld it. It was hard to tell.

But when the names were revealed, from the plains of Social Mediana to Whatsappia to the bars and taverns across the kingdom, the people saw that Gambrach’s council would once again be fuelled by the spirit of St. Mediocrates, patron saint of Jirrian politickers.

Captain Monoraillius Incompletus of Rivissinia was returned, as were former King Flasholas of Ekonnos, Ser Bongo Naya the erstwhile councillor for writing materials, Hadi Potter the councillor for winged chariots and conceptualiser of Hot Air – the official name of Jirriah’s royal fleet and Gigex of Keejah, the councillor for slavery, amongst others.

There were new councillors put forward as well. People like Kree Amour, who had served as Gambrach’s silken vuvuzela in electoralis and former King Ogbenyssius the Oponimous, of the kingdom of Oshunlonica.

The laws of the land required the senateens to push each nominee through the mystical Screen of Ratty Fye, the great architect. Ratty Fye had designed the Screen so that if the capacity in which the councillor would serve was known, the screen would glow green if the councillor was suited or red if they were not.

However, the Kings of Jirriah liked to keep things as secret as possible, so that detractors would not know their intentions. Thus, the senateens never had any idea of the role for which they were screening the nominees and very few were pushed through the Screen of Ratty Fye. More often than not, the senateens told them to simply bow to the Screen and go, so that all would still be done seemingly in the name of Ratty Fye.

The senateens were given to much vainglorious ceremony however and rather than line up all the councillors to bow to Ratty Fye in one go, they were summoned one after the other to either bow perfunctorily or to answer questions of absolutely no consequence.

Sometimes, a senateen would even stand up to say something of even less consequence. One senateen from Damawakanda, named Bomi Nayshun (also known to a smaller, more intimate circle as La Pugilista Erotica) declared his conviction that Ogbenyssius would be a wonderful councillor. La Pugilista Erotica was assured of this because Ogbenyssius had given him money in the past.

Eventually, senatii saw the final nominee and Ser Naw Wal the Warden announced, “This is a great assemblage of councillors King Gambrach has put together. If you agree with me, I shall send a raven to let his majesty know that we have come to the end of the masquerade. Rubberstampia in excelsis?”

“RUBBERSTAMPIA IN EXCELSIS!!!” the other senateens cried.

Meanwhile, word came unto the Social Medianites and the Digital Perusites that a super elite squad of the Royal Constabulary suffered casualties during a thwarting of their top secret mission by the Royal Legionnaires. Wherefore in unprecedented scenes, the Constabulary came into Twilistia demanding a tagging of hashes for its slain officers.

Before the Twillistians could respond, word reached them that the Detaketorial Securitisation Squadron had arrested Worh Reh, leader of the Kalahari Newsbearers and mushroom contender against Gambrach and Arty Cool in Electoralis. “Why has the Detaketorial Squadron taken Worh Reh away?” the people asked.

Gar Bar, Chief Scribe of Gambrach responded, “Worh Reh has been calling for a revolution of the people against Gambrach, even though they love their King so tremendously. We all know that revolution means a violent overthrow of the King and we cannot allow that.”

“But he is not with any co-arrested,” the people protested, “was he going to revolt on his own?”

“He was calling for mutiny, saying he was sick of the glorious reign of Gambrach,” replied Gar Bar, side-stepping the question.

“Okay, but what about the weapons you need for a revolution? Did you find any on him?”

“No, but, surely you do not expect a King of Gambrach’s haute sophistication to actually wait until he has co-conspirators and weapons before stopping him, do you? How smart would that be?”

“So he hasn’t really done anything wrong, then?”

“Not yet! BUT HE WAS GOING TO! This is next level preservation of law and order.”

“WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO TAG THE HASHES AGAINST THE LEGIONNAIRES FOR KILLING OUR GALANT CONSTABLES???” the Constabulary demanded, growing impatient with the exchange on Worh Reh.

The noise was heard in Bedrock Palace in Boo Jar and FemCallamitus asked the King what he was going to do about it.

“I am going to board my winged chariot…” began Gambrach.

“…yes, my sweet, fragrant King… Your Highness will fly to Wohbay to visit the site of the clash?”

“Of course not, Callamitus. I am headed to Dah Ourah for the feast of ram, so that Nah Wal, Jaja-Beer Miller and the Apicurean horde can come and pay homage to me there. Peace out!” And yea, did Gambrach head to his country home in the idyllic hamlet of Dah Ourah.

Lo, upon his arrival, he was greeted by all the Apicurean kings of Jirriah, bearing all manner of fruit and livestock as a farming sacrifice unto Gambrach. Yea, the soul of Gambrach was well delighted by the obeisance of the Apicureans and he spake unto them.

“King and nobles of Apicuria, thanks for honouring me with this food from that the soils of Jirriah have provided. See as we have achieved sufficiency of food, notwithstanding the poverty of multiple dimensions in which our people are reported to wallow. Wherefore I have commanded Mefilius, the Warden of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar, to retreat once more into his room of independent thinking and independently conclude to deny the supply of our precious Trumpetistani shekels to they that would spend it on bringing food from other shores into this land, which is vastly inferior at any rate. Welcome to the new age of glorious leguminae sufficiento!”

And the people saw it and could not believe what they beheld. Just then, news reached the people that the Ipobusinians had ambushed Ser Equerry Mah-Doo in Umlautistan. They saw it and were incensed and there was no gaddem chill in all the land.

The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: Legislatum Encaptivo

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Nothing is as constant in the Kingdom of Jirria as the realignment of stars in political and stratospheric firmaments in the months before electoralis. Indeed, it was known unto the seafarers of the global world that Jirrian waters were to be avoided in those months, as relying on what they thought to be True North, which in fact had been True North only a few months before, had run many sailors aground.

In the realignment prior to the electoralis that heralded the second quadrannium of King Gambrach, Abushola, the erstwhile Warden of Senatii had defecated with glorious stink from House Apicuria to House Padipalia. Gah Rah, the Warden of Lower Senatii had also thus defecated. In fact, the defecations numbered over 60 and included notables like senateen Dinobetes Mellitus of Kogitamia. In a public ceremony, they all emptied their bowels over the Apicurean flag, denounced Gambrach and pledged fealty to Arty Cool (himself a famous defecator in electorales past) of House Padipalia.

It was hardly a surprise that Abushola realigned for electoralis. When Gambrach triumphed over Gejoshaphat and ascended the Iron Throne of Boo Jar, both he (that is, Gambrach) and Shiwajun had candidates they favoured to lead the Nassholes. But Gah Rah and Abushola imbued with the spirits of the gods of kicksport – Meh See, Ko Tcha and Nal Do – dribbled and gazumped them most thoroughly. Lo, in the words of the ancient Jirrian philosopher Bah Heeahbon, it was a scurrilous subterfuge of a scandalous and mendacious kungaga.

Gambrach and Shiwajun did not take it lightly. They promptly deployed the Everly Failing at Convictions Council to find Abushola’s wrongdoings and they charged him to Conductivitis, that he might be found guilty and stripped of high office. Shiwajun’s confidence in Conductivitis astounded the people of the land, for even he was a veteran of Conductivitian jousting, where he had escaped unscathed.  Like Shiwajun before him, Abushola also triumphed at Conductivitis; but he paid the ultimate price and was vanquished at electoralis.

When the second quadrannium began, Gambrach, Shiwajun and Shomolek (Headboy of House Apicuria) were keen that there would not be another gaou – for in the words of the ancient travelling troupe Magical Systems, “while the first gaou is excusable, the second gaou means you are a dunce!”

So they summoned the longstanding senateen, Ser Nah Wal, told him to kneel down and baptised him with a gourd of syconfancia. “Arise, O Warden!” Shomolek commanded. But Nah Wal was hesitant.

“You call me Warden, great Headboy, and if you say it then it must be so. But surely you know that Dan Jango, a longstanding Apicurian nasshole as I, also desires the Wardeny.”

“Leave the matter of Dan Jango with me,” said Shiwajun. “I know where he is currently hurting the most. He has a pimple on his forehead that I can pop for him.”

Thus it was that Ser Dan Jango, a notable friend and veritable guy of the bard Icy Duke of the City of Chalk Lit, was summoned into the presence of Shiwajun and Shomolek. There he was informed that Nah Wal and not he had been chosen to lead senatii into the new glorious age of rubberstampia.

Dan Jango was unsettled by the news and protested, saying, “But my lords, I beg thee to reconsider. I am as qualified as Nah Wal to lead senatii in perfunctoriness and I can wield the scepter of rubberstampia more fancifully than any in the land. My entire existence in senatii has been iconic rubberstampism!!!”

“Aye, we know this but remember that Abushola dribbled all of us in the past quadrannium, when it was first promised to Nah Wal. If you do Apicuria this favour, we shall summon Mar Goo the Unconfirmed and cause the Everly Failing at Convictions Council to fail once again on your account” answered Shiwajun.

“Ye wouldst do this for me?” asked Dan Jango in disbelief.

“A small price of 5 billion shekels forgotten between friends – good deal would you not say? Now say yes quickly, so I can return home to my baby girl” said Shomolek. And thus was it settled. Nah Wal was formally elected by his peers as Warden.

With the junior senateens, the favoured was also another longstanding nasshole named  Jaja-Beer Miller. Jaja-Beer was a very loyal Apicurean from Ekonnos who eschewed all forms of comingling with Padipalians. He indulged in comingling of another sort but lo, that story is for a different chapter of the chronicles. The detractors tried to raise the banner of his professional misdemeanours in the land of Trumpetistan against him, but the Apicurean broom of Gambrach that maketh the iniquitous white and blocketh out all cries of protesting hate and sorrow availed much for him. Thus, did Jaja-Beer Miller become Junior Warden of the Nassholes.

With the principalities and powers of the Nassholes in place, King Gambrach was ready to wrestle the flesh and blood that made up the citizenry of the Kingdom with the nomination of the members of his council. According to the law of the land, Gambrach was required to appoint a councilor from each of the 36 Kingdoms, to serve him in Fecundia and preside over the mismanagement of the administratories of the kingdom – plebeian education, highway smoothening, image laundry, plundering the petrolatum that fueled the wealth of the kingdom, ensuring the infirmaries remained unfit to care for the ruling elite and the constabulary unfit to patrol a chicken coop – each one a task of herculean proportions.

In his first quadrannium, Gambrach did not name his councilors until Trentus Septembus and when he did, it was filled with such administrative luminaries as King Monoraillus Incompletus of Rivissinia – the Councillor for Travel, leading astrologer and philosopher Bull Shittu the Councillor for Telepathic and Futuristic Communication, Ah-Woodoo the Councillor for Local Rice and Hatred of Imported Food, Bongo Naya the Councillor for Writing Materials, King Flasholas of Ekonnos who served as Councillor for Semi-Illumination, King Gigex of Kee-Jah the Councilor for Slavery, and so many more.

When the list of nominees for councilorship in the second quadrannium passed from Caballee and Caballum – the Deux Cabales – to Shomolek and Shiwajun, Shomolek was so overwhelmed, he unclasped his girdle.

“Wow! This list is dynamite, Shiwajun. It is even more glorious than the previous quadrannium. Will this prospect of overachievement not deter senatii from approving them?” he asked.

Shiwajun answered, “Fear not, Ser Shomolek. This second quadrannium of Gambrach is the age of legislatum encaptivo.”

Thus was the list of councillors-in-waiting broadcast to the Social Medianites, the Papyrus Medianites and yea, unto the Digital Perusites. All across Jirriah, the people beheld it. And there was no gaddem chill, nary an atom of it, in all the land.

 

 

The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: In the Beginning

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Once upon a time, in the ancient lands of Freeka Westte, there was a kingdom called Jirriah. Jirriah was stitched together at the seams of the rivers that split the kingdom into three with the mystical threads of Loogardine by a spooky one-eyed seamstress known as Flaw-Ra. The warlock who brought her the Loogardine threads asked her where she had learned to stitch multiple different fabrics together so deftly. “It was from the Empire School of Georgian Haute Couture”, she replied. And thus was the kingdom of Jirriah established.

 

These are the Chronicles of Jirriah, these Chronicles of Chill. They are the tales of the kingdom’s unending quest for Chill, because from the time of King Fearson to the time of King Bar Lay-Wah, to the first digital king of the kingdom (King eRunn-Si), to King Jack the Young Sparrow, to King Murd Tallah, to the first coming of King Shegolas of Owurutas, to King Shag Gar, to the first coming of King Gambrach the Austere, to King Gi Dah the Truncator, to King Nekan of the Single Buttock, to King Bar Char the Appletiser, to King Abdo Chorizo the Reformer, to the second coming of King Shegolas, to King Yaraz the Infirm, King Gejoshaphat the Lucky, right until the second coming of King Gambrach, the kingdom suffered severe unchill.

 

Behold, it was a multifaceted unchill, ranging from the decoupling from the Empire of George and Lizzy, to the 3-year battle of Frabiana, to the disappearance of the leguminous pyramids, to the rampaging of the Yetis of Gawd and the Haramites of Boko, there was no chill in the land. But the people yearned desperately for chill.

 

These chapters of the chronicles begin in the time of the second coming of King Gambrach, yea unto the first and second quadranniums of his reign. But to understand the reign of Gambrach, it is necessary to learn a little bit more about the Kingdom of Jirria. For, you see, Jirria comprised 36 kingdoms – or 37, if you counted the High Kingdom of Boo Jar wherefrom Gambrach reigned, occasionally in council with the 36 kings. The council of Gambrach and the 36 was known as Fecundia and it was in Fecundia that all the most important decisions of the greatest gravity in the Kingdom were taken – which carriageways and puddles to repair, which pseudo ironmonger would supply the kings’ winged chariots, which courtesans to bestow the favour of the King upon and other such grand matters. It was not known if or where the higher matters of State were discussed.

 

Fecundia was rich with the aroma of the Boo Jarian beverage, sycofancia. Sycofancia was brewed from barley, oats and the sweat and spittle of whoever was seated on the Iron Throne of Boo Jar. It was served in large measure at the meetings of Fecundia and caused the kings and councillors in attendance to burst into fits of inexplicable laughter whenever the King – in this tale, Gambrach – uttered any sentence longer than 7 words. Yea, did the people of Jirria always behold their leaders emerging from Fecundia in fits of intense cachinnation.

 

King Gambrach’s closest visible adviser was his Hand, Osinoshin, a lettered man of the laws and highly favoured of Shiwajun. Shiwajun was one of the most venerated kingmakers in Jirria and it was with his help that Gambrach had ended the reign of King Gejoshaphat in a manner hitherto unseen in Jirriah. Shiwajun himself had reigned in the kingdom of Ekonnos for two quadrannia and before that had sat amongst the senatii during the Age of Truncation under King Gi Dah.

 

The other advisers of Gambrach were his chief scribe  Gar Bar, his sub-scribe FemCallamitus the Griot, his Counsellor for Subjects Who Had Seen the Light and Fled the Kingdom – Lady Bee Ree; and Moborius, his Chief Engravist. Sometimes, Gambrach was also publicly advised, to his chagrin, by his wife, Lady Yeeshah of the province of Za Oza Rheumm. Lady Yeeshah was particularly, principally and properly perplexed by the pestilence of the Deux Cabales, two mysterious persons of unknown and mysterious identities who she insisted daily pulled the strings of King Gambrach the Pinocchio, her husband. King Gambrach was also advised by Ser Bakky Arii, his head honcho, and his main man, Ser MyMann Dee.

 

Over the coin and treasures of the Kingdom, stored in the Iron Bank of Boo Jar, Gambrach had appointed Mefilius bin-Exporta as Warden. Mefilius was famous for his independent thinking and dispensation, which was next only to the cast iron tether with which the chambers of his medulla were joined to the war rooms of Bedrock, the castle from which Gambrach reigned.

 

As for the 36 kingdoms, they included the realms of Ekitilopia of King Jekfa, Imossopotamia of King Roe Chazz the Statuesque, Rivissinia of King Wee Kay, Ben Way of King Autumn, Dunamis of King El-Farquaad, Ko Tow of King Tambourine, Oyokolova of Ajimovich the Constituted and many many more. 

 

Now you know them and now you will read [again] their chronicles. For in all of the kingdoms of Jirriah, yea unto the ends of the 37 kingdoms, there was nary a speculum of chill to be found! Behold, there was no gaddem chill in the land!