Entertainment/Current Affairs

The Simulation of Fearsome Wee Kay

/ Scribe of the Tword / 2 Comments

Thus it was, that the proceedings of the magisterium of Shytown came to nought. The Jirrian High Magistratum considered the tenderment by the advocates of Arty Kool that Shiwajun’s certificato was fugazious. But the Magistrators would neither see nor hear any evil of Shiwajun, and declared Arty Kool’s tenderment to be out of time.

“And even if it were not out of time, this tenderment beareth not the mark of certification of the magisterium at Shytown. Hence, this magisterium hast no way of knowing if it be authentic or not.”

“My Lords, do ye make this pronouncement unaware of the immense irony here?” asked Arty Kool, dumbfounded by it all.

Lo, the people heard it and, you know what? There was chill in the gaddem land. None was moved outside of the host encamped around Shiwajun at Bedrock. “My JuryInGalilee, thy job is now safe for a quadrannium,” Shiwajun was said to have remarked to his new scribe.

JarJar Beer Miller had yielded his rubberstampia in excelsis to become King Shiwajun’s personal Chief Warden at Bedrock and rejoiced at the news from the High Magisterium. His colleague in Shiwajun’s APINTIB (Association of Previously In Trouble in Bidenistan), the ThisOne of Ohgunsoppotamia also hailed the reprieve for Shiwajun.

Fearsome Wee Kay, the former King of Rivissinia also welcomed the good news. For though he was Padipalian, Shiwajun (an Apicurean, remember) had appointed him as Prefect of Boo-Jar. This was in recognitation of Fearsome’s exploits and exploitation of the Yakurbian Necomongers in Rivissinia during electoralis. Fearsome was the most prominent member of the Fatal Five, the Padipalian Kings who openly conspired against their own champion at electoralis, Arty Kool.

Wee Kay had ruled over Rivissinia for 2 quadrannia and was bound to yield the throne, by the laws of the land. He could have followed his brother Kings to become a Nasshole but he was far too machiavellian to join a host of rubberstamping teapots in their glorious incompetence. No, he had grander designs. He would be Prefect over Boo-Jar and he would remain overlord of the Rivissinians.

“How shalt thou accomplish this?” his orchestra asked.

“Simple. I will employ the spectactular science of, erh what? Simulation.”

“Simulation?”

“Yes. To simply it for you, I will station a similarity to myself to sit on the throne. Not a simpleton, though I would effectively expect a simp, such that I will simultaneously administer Boo-Jar and Rivissinia by means of a simulator. He will speak but people will hear my voice. He will act but their eyes will see only me.”

Thus, Fearsome anointed the Head of the Rivissinian Abacus, Foo Bar Truman, to succeed him. And electoralis was foregone conclusion, returning Shiwajun and Foo Bar as the selections of the Rivissinians.

And when Foo Bar Truman went to seek Fearsome’s advice on the new Rivissinian ruling council, Fearsome assured him that there was no need to worry. ” Look, I love you so much, that I have made your burden as light as possible. I have installed your councillors, wardens, prefects and even your personal scribe. All your wants and needs will be met before you can say ‘Oh dilly!”

“Ah, King Fearsome, I had hoped to bring a few friends along with me.”

“Don’t worry, my son. I have also appointed some new friends for you. I’ve taken care of everything you need.”

For Fearsome, everything worked according to plan at first. The Rivissinian winged chariot remained in his custody, and all the Rivissinian nobles still sought his graces. Foo Bar Truman enjoyed the show at first but soon realised what was happening. For when he dined with people not sent to him by Fearsome, Fearsome would mention it to him. And if he relieved himself in a chamberpot outside of the inns approved by Fearsome, Fearsome would make it known to him in no unclear terms where he was expected to defecate. And as for ruling, Truman did not feel very much in charge even though he felt so much power coursing through his veins.

So he threw down the gauntlet and tried to shake things up.

Wee Kay then invoked the Etiaban Protocol, convening the Rivissinian Sassholes to depose Foor Bar. That night, Foo Bar prayed hard to the gods in emeffemic manner that fire would consume all his enemies and their plans. Behold, the gods answered, and a mysterious fire erupted in the Sassholes’ chamber.

The Sassholes loyal to Fearsome moved a deposement motion against Truman but his loyalists quickly countered by electing a new Warden to preside over their affairs. Foo Bar then moved again to suspend the Rivissinian High Magistratum and all the mayors of the Rivissinian mayorates, attempting to stifle the simulator.

Foo Bar then marched into Harr Courts to try to speak to the people but the constabulary deployed waters and onion gasses at high velocities, to impede him.

All of Jirria saw it. Lo, it was beheld in all of Twilistia and Social Mediana.

And there was no gaddem chill in the land!

Nigerian Elections & the Dual Citizenship Question

/ Scribe of the Tword / 2 Comments

This piece examines the questions around dual citizenship and eligibility for elective office in Nigeria. I am aware of a judgement of the Court of Appeal that reaches a different conclusion from mine. Hopefully, after reading this, the issues with that ruling become clear.

  1. First of all, the question of Eligibility.

Already, a significant difference should be evident – citizenship by birth is mandatory for executive office but not for election into the National Assembly (or State Houses of Assembly).

2. Second issue – Citizenship.

There are 3 ways to be conferred with Nigerian citizenship in the constitution – by birth, by registration and, by naturalisation. See sections 25-27 of the Constitution.

3. Third issue – Disqualification.

Virtually identical provisions and all fairly straightforward still. Subject to section 28 of the constitution, if you have voluntarily acquired the citizenship of another country or made a declaration of allegiance to that country, you are disqualified from being elected to the offices in question.

“Subject to” here effectively means, unless section 28 gives you relief or says otherwise, you are disqualified.

4. So, what does section 28 say and who does it give relief?

The first paragraph applies to people who became Nigerian citizens by registration or naturalisation. If, having become a registered or naturalised Nigerian, they acquire or retain new citizenship, of a country of which they are not citizens by birth, they immediately forfeit their Nigerian citizenship.

So, for example, my name is Hassan Yassim. I am Iraqi by birth but became a naturalised Nigerian in 2017. I then japaed to Canada and acquired Canadian citizenship in 2023. By virtue of section 28(1), upon becoming a Canadian citizen, I forfeit my Nigerian one.

Alternatively, if I discovered I was entitled to Canadian citizenship by birth through a parent or grandparent, I would not forfeit my Nigerian citizenship.

The second paragraph says that registration or grant of naturalisation, if the applicant has already acquired another country’s citizenship (one not entitled to by birth), is dependent on renouncing that citizenship or nationality.

We go back to me hypothetically being Hassan Yassim again. If at the point of applying for Nigerian citizenship, I was already a naturalised British citizen, then my Nigerian citizenship will lapse if I don’t renounce my British citizenship within 5 months of being granted Nigerian citizenship.

5. Section 28 and Disqualifications

From the foregoing, it is evident that section 28 is irrelevant to people who are Nigerian citizens by birth. Both paragraphs sit wholly within the context of registration or naturalisation.

As a result, the conclusion has to be that section 28 has no bearing on those who, by voluntarily acquiring dual citizenship, have been disqualified from running for the offices of President, Governor, or their deputies.

Section 28 only applies to people who became Nigerian citizens by registration or naturalisation. Such people are entitled to contest for seats at the National and State Assemblies. The question is, what impact does section 28 have on the eligibility of naturalised Nigerians who subsequently acquire another nationality? What does section 28 permit them to do?

The answer, in my view, is that it only allows them to retain their Nigerian citizenship if the new nationality they subsequently acquire is one to which they are entitled by birth. If they are not entitled to this other citizenship by birth, they would not be eligible to contest for legislative office.

Conclusions.

  1. Dual citizenship disqualifies someone who is a Nigerian citizenship by birth if the second nationality was voluntarily acquired i.e. the second nationality is not one they have by birth.
  2. Dual citizenship disqualifies someone who is Nigerian by registration or naturalisation if the second nationality is not one they have by birth.
  3. You are only eligible for elective office in Nigeria as a dual (or multiple) citizen if you are entitled to your non-Nigerian citizenship(s) by birth.

Post-Script – Renunciation of Citizenship

The Ides of Electoralis

/ Scribe of the Tword / 1 Comment

The wheels of politicking continued to roll furiously towards the day of electoralis in Jirriah. The contenders for the Iron Throne had all chosen their Hands. Shiwajun had Cashmoney the Shetty Man of Borry Noo as his, Arty Cool had Fan-Yi the King of Deltonia and Obi Wan Pitobi had Soof That Baba as his.

There was a fourth contender – Crank Wazo That Soldier Boy, one time King of Car-Knoe but the people were unsure he had chosen a Hand, as nought was heard of the matter from his camp.

Thus did the contenders traverse the four (or perhaps, six) corners of the Kingdom, seeking to make disciples of all men, women and children. In Social Mediana, the contention and lighting of gas between their supporters was frenetic. “The stench of narcotia ensconces Shiwajun,” one camp would cry, to which the others would respond, “Obi Wan kenno’be King, for he is of wretched structure,” to which others yet would reply, “Arty Cool bathest in the esoteric pools of corroupcion!” Yea, would the acolytes of Crank Wazo observe, wondering why none sought to banter their champion.

Daily, Lastus Boltammo, Gambrach’s junior councillor for enslavement and Shiwajun’s appointed shithouserist, would waltz into Twillistia singing gleefully about the maturation of a certain jungle, and how that would favour Shiwajun. Is he a zoologist or botanist or some sort of mad scientist, the people often wondered. On the Padipalian side, Dinobetes Mellitus had positioned himself as nemesis to Lastus. The jesterful antics of Dinobetes were already known, so his shithousery was no surprise to anyone.

But indeed, Shiwajun and Artycool were the front runners. However, the Jedi followers of Obi Wan simply would not go away. Daily the Apircueans and Padipalian soothsayers showed them the route to the Iron Throne, exasperated, for they saw no way for Obi Wan Pitobi. “Beware the Ides of Electoralis, for ye shalt be taught lessons,” they warned the Pitobians.

Shiwajun struggled with speech as he sought to proselytise. His sentences frequently disintegrated into babble, despite King Shangolulu’s desertion of Gideria to serve as the Shiwajunian Whisperer. Yea, despite his lips residing in Shiwajun’s cochlea, it saved Shiwajun not. And the unchill began to bubble in the land about the seeming frailty of Shiwajun.

And in that day, Lord Mefilius, Warden of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar proclaimed an edict across all of Jirriah.

“Citizens of Jirriah, the reign of King Gambrach cannot end without another throwback to his glorious Kingship whilst he was a man of Gunn. Thy borders have been closed, thy petrolatum is scarce, rentiers walk again among us. Behold! Now is the time for us to repaint our Kingdom’s coin with ultramodern paint. It shall be shiny, it shall be rainbowfull and it shall be the only legal tender in the Kingdom in the 3 weeks leading up to Electoralis. Long Live the glorious foresight and hindsight of our great King Gambrach!“

And the unchill in the land grew. For in the olden recoinage of Gambrach, there was a huge shortage in the circulatory supply of money.

Not long after, news came to the Jirrians that the Despotic Squad Squadron had declared Mefilius wanted, for financing the fomentation of terror. With the incoming or outgoing money, the people wondered. Yea, like another bankman that was fried, Mefilius sought refuge in a faraway land and no one knew whence he had exiled himself. The people were astounded, for the Dastardly Suffering Squad (one of their many other names) reported to the King himself. Couldst it be that Gambrach sought to reward the devotion of Mefilius with a healthy dose of wahala morghulis?

Gambrach himself put paid to these thoughts by declaring to the people that Mefilius was carrying out his wishes (why then was he ‘ranning’?) and that sufficient time had been given to the upstanding to secure legitimate swapping of outgoing for incoming coin. And then, in a completely tangential outburst – in the future, when smileys are invented, as prophesied by the Chronicler, a shaded smiling one will be inserted at this point in the manuscript – he declared, “Jirrians shall be free to vote for whomseoever they choose!”

“But Majesty, though art an Apicurean. Surely you mean vote for Shiwajun?”

“Yes! For whomsoever they choose!”

A great rumbling was heard in the land but would you believe it, it was not the unchill of which the Chronicler has long since Chronicled. No. It was a creaking of the firmaments of all the structures in the land. As it turned out, structures had to be reinforced daily with coin. And it could not be the coin that was routed through the Iron Bank of Boo Jar and its mushrooms, for all the vaults in all the banks in all the land were not large enough to hold it all. And to change all that structures money into the new Gambrachian coin was a project that would take the skill of a meister of the 2 Princes to manage in the short timeframe – and alas, there was only 1 Prince as Gambrach had just the one male offspring (this is a joke of the Chronicler, by the way – hehehe).

Wherefore Shiwajun went again to the Kingdom of King Dah-Poe the Abjectly Common One to speak again to the people in High Yorballian. Dah-Poe was still basking in the euphoria of his audio award from the Fugazi Orbs as overall best in Kingship in FreeKah, so he received Shiwajun in High Spirits.

Shiwajun was more sullen than usual and cried out in High Yorballian –

“Why do the heathens rage and the people imagine a vain thing? The rulers of Jirriah, my fellow Apicureans no less, have set themselves and taken counsel against me, the Shiwajun of all Yorballian Lands. They have sought to break my bands asunder, ground all our chariots and are attempting to cast the coin away from me. Well, let me declare this here and now – I, who sit in the heavens of Bored Dyllon will laugh. I will have them in derision. For regardless of what they do, I shall be set as thy King upon the holy hill of Bedrock, in Boo Jar!”

The people saw it, the people heard it. And there was no gaddem chill in the land!

The Cornscription of the Shetty Man

/ Scribe of the Tword / 2 Comments
The Cornfields of Shiwajun

News came to Twillistia and Social Mediana that Shiwajun bore the scars of narcotic indictments and forfeitures from Bidenistan; that though he was a man of the abacus, the beads upon which the number of his years could acurately be counted had yet to be invented; and that, contrary to legend, Iragbijishire was where his umbilical cord was buried.

The aides at the Shiwajunian Palace of Bored Dyllon were thrown into a tizz, knowing not how to respond to the Social Medianites. But Shiwajun was calm. “See ye these rumours in Papyrussia or Ancient Mediana?” he asked them. “Nay, sire,” they responded. “Therefore be ye calm and find me Amy Logan, as I have instructed thee.” The aides were confused, but proceeded into all of Jirria, declaring a bounty for Amy Logan and, just in case they had heard the name incorrectly, Emille Oconn.

Now, as was customary in the land, very shortly after each House had nominated its champion in electoralis primera, the champions all chose a Hand – someone to sit around on stand-by in the event the champion became king and died whilst on the Iron Throne, such as Osinoshin was the Hand of Gambrach.

Arty Cool the Perennial chose Arturo O’Cowa, King of the Deltanians, also coming to the end of his second quadrannium on the throne. Obiwan Pitobi chose Suffidat as his Hand. Suffidavit had once been a senateen but the Magistarium had declared his election perfidious and he was thus removed. Shiwajun knew all eyes would be on him, as he was of the same House as King Gambrach, who sat upon the Iron Throne.

“Have ye found Amy Logan?” Shiwajun asked his men. “She will tell me who to appoint as my Hand.” His men looked at each other nervously and one of them finally summoned the courage to speak. “Oh Lord Shiwajun of Bored Dyllon, surest successor to Gambrach, may you live even longer. Your Grace, we searched high and low, for Amy Logan and Emille Oconn and Emil O’Corn, across all the kingdoms, but we found none bearing that name. We even cast our minds back to the wise words from your annual collostrum, and searched in the fields of cassava and the plantations of corn and the barn stores of beans and nary an Amy or Emille was to be found. Your Grace, you will have to choose your Hand of your own self.” Very well, thought Shiwajun to himself. I shall choose one of the Apicurean kings to be my Hand.

Now, the people of Jirria had many things which set them apart from each other. They were Northerosi and Southerosi in their origin and customs. Some were Stians and others were Slims. The Stians and the Slims were to be found amongst both Northerosi and Southerosi men but if a Northerosi Slim was king, the convention of the Kingdom was that his Hand would be a Southerosi Stian and vice versa.

Many thought that Shiwajun would choose Macashma Gandi, the Great Sold, King of Car-Knoe, as his Hand. But Shiwajun had heard many allegations about Gandi, including suggestions of excessive proximity to the Car-Knosian treasury. “This goes against every fibre of my ethos,” Shiwajun was reported to have said. Gandi, like Shiwajun, was also a Slim, so the people thought this ruled him out.

Others thus suggested King A-La-La-La-La-Long-Long-Li-Long-Long-Long of Play-Too, for he was a Northerosi Stian but he also did not find favour with Shiwajun. Lo, the Apicureans were perplexed, for Shiwajun tarried greatly.

One night, Shiwajun gathered the Apicurean prefects and asked them to bring before him Cashmoney the Shetty Man, who in quadrannia past has ruled as King in Borry Noo.

“Why?” they asked Shiwajun.

“I wish to make him my Hand,” he responded.

“Cashmoney? The Shetty Man? The people of our kingdoms will not accept this. Hast thou forgotten that like you he is a Slim? And a Fulannister like King Gambrach?”

“Brethren, those are the exact qualities I need to triumph at electoralis. Bring him before me.”

“What if we rechristen King A-La-La-La-La-Long-Long-Li-Long-Long-Long of Play-Too, so that he is now known as Emille Oconn?”

“No. No. No. Enough of this now. My mind is set on Cashmoney the Shetty Man.”

Wherefore, Shiwajun lay on the floor in the middle of the Apicurean sanctum and Cashmoney was brought in. The Apicurean prefects handed him an ear of corn and a bowl of beans and asked him to move closer to Shiwajun.

“Cashmoney, wilt thou now pledge fealty to Shiwajun of Bored Dyllon?”

“I will,” declared the Shetty Man. A gong sounded 3 times, whereupon Cashmoney stepped onto Shiwajun’s groin abd broke out into song – On your man-bits I shall stand, on your man-bits I shall stand, on your man-bits, on your man-bits, on your man-bits I shall stand. He then stepped off Shiwajun’s groin and ate the beans and the corn. And thus, it was done. The Shetty Man had been cornscripted to be Shiwajun’s Hand.

Shiwajun arose and led Cashmoney into Twillistia and Social Mediana, announcing, “Behold, I have chosen my Hand.” But as Shiwajun tried to raise the Shetty Man’s hands, the people saw him shaking visibly and was unable to raise either his or Cashmoney’s hands aloft.

“He is infirm!” the people cried. “He presenteth a double-Slim Kingship!!” cried others. “When Cashmoney was King of the BorryNoobians, a chieftain of the Haramites of Boko was found by the Constabulary in the Borry Noo palace in Boo Jar!!! This is a travesty!!!” cried others.

And in all the lands and kingdoms of Jirria, not a gaddem speck of chill was found.

Electoralis Primera & the Shiwajunian Breakfast

/ Scribe of the Tword / 2 Comments

The clouds of electoralis continued to gather in the Kingdom of Jirria and soon it was time for each electorailing house to choose its champion.

The Apicureans had declared in large numbers and a huge electoralis primera was planned, and hotly anticipated in Twilistia and Social Mediana. The word in Twilistia was that Gambrach desireth to serve Shiwajun a burnaboynian breakfast. However, it was known to all men that none was better in the arts of Wahala Morghulis than Shiwajun himself.

In House Padipalia, the leading contenders were Fearsome Wee-Kay of Rivissina, Obi-Wan Pitobi of Nambria and Arty Cool the Perennial. As the electoralis primera of the Padipalians drew nigh, Obi-Wan Pitobi awoke one morning, feeling uneasy after the dream he’d had. In his dream, he had seen a structureless house, with no foundations, with no shishi, floating above a huge Rock. And a voice said unto him, “Obi-Wan, thou art the Pitobi, and upon your rock, my structurelessness shall stand!”

Wherefore, Pitobi gathered his robes and belongings and announced his departure from the Padipalians, for the vision was clear to him. He vanished for three days and three nights, and when he emerged, he emerged as champion for House Dohaeris. Lo, did the Apicureans and Padipalians make huge mockery of him and the Dohaerisses, saying “the Dohaerisses have not the benefit of historical pillaging of the public purse to fund their activities. Obi-Wan shall soon realise that men of honesty cannot take the Iron Throne of Boo-Jar.”

In Apicurean gatherings, Shiwajun sensed a less than overwhelming support for his ambitions and thus decided to remind the Apicureans of just who he was. He journed to Ogunssopotamia and spake to the gathering in High Yorballian, saying –

“Have ye forgotten just who the hell I am? Remember ye not how my hands have held up the firmament of our great house and how thy kings are inscribed upon the palms of my hands? Could even this abjectly common one,” he sneered towards King Dah-Poe, “be King without my benefactions?“

And from that day on, King Dah-Poe became known throughout Jirriah by his new title, King Dah-Poe The Abjectly Common.

Shiwajun continued. “Twas these same benefactions that enthroned King Gambrach in Boo Jar. Had he not failed and failed and failed and failed and failed and failed and failed? Yea, he wept when he remembered he hadn’t won. But I came unto him and carried away his lachrymallity, requiring from him just a word, that he would not forget the Yorball in the Boo-Jarrian lands. Behold, the Iron Throne must fall to us Yorballs and yea, it must fall to me! In the words of the great ancient prophetess Diana of Rawsse, ‘It’s my turn!’ Ich bin dran, so get me Amy Logan!!!”.

“Amy Logan?”, asked the Abjectly Common one and the other Apicurians. “Yes”, answered Shiwajun, “Amy Logan. Get her.”

Lo, the people heard it and unchill began to rumble in the land.

Thus, the time drew nigh for the Padipalians to conduct their primera and select their champion. And despite Abushola’s eloquence and Fearsome Wee-Kay’s fidelity and fiduciary fulminousity to the Apicureans, Arty Cool emerged champion and flag bearer. Fearsome believed it not and for days later he was heard singing the Daminian Lament, “Ye shalt be amazed at the result oh (I was), there’s nothing to discuss oh, I didn’t win by default oh, I canst withstand this insult oh, I NEED A BOAT AND SHY HOES!!!“

Yea, did the pendulum swing unto the Apicureans. And lo, they came, one after the other, to make their case to be champion. Most notable of them was Ben Ten Jack Too Rich who drew inspiration from his mother’s susceptibility to amorous defraudment and her consequential gestatory prolificness.

Try as they might, no one could withstand the Wahala Morghulis of Shiwajun, who won by a mudslide, beating Monoraillius Incompletus well into second place.

The die was cast. And last last, the Apicureans all had breakfast. Shah Yo O!

But then news came to Twillistia that Shiwajun bore the scars of narcotic indictments and forfeitures from Bidenistan; that though he was a man of the abacus, the beads upon which the number of his years could acurately be counted had yet to be invented; and that, contrary to legend, Iragbijishire was where his umbilical cord was buried.

The people heard it and there was no gaddem chill in the land.

The Micturition of Shiwajun

/ Scribe of the Tword / 1 Comment

The storms of electoralis continued to blow across the Jirrian Kingdoms and descended again on Ekitilopia, where the reign of King Jekfa was coming to an end. The Apicurean and Padipalian houses gathered to choose their champions to fight another proxy war on behalf of the 2 Hokey-Pokey Ekitilopian Kings. Why were Jekfa and Yode Hokey-Pokey? Well, as the ancient canticle went, “You put the Yode in, the Jekfa out, in out in out and shake them both about…”

Jekfa threw his incumbent weight behind Yebanjius, while Yode hoped Kollax would fare better than Nondes Crypt, his champion and Padipalia’s in the last outing.

Electoralis Federalis fever also continued to sweep the kingdoms with lots of people pestering others, who had absolutely no intention of contending for the iron throne, into doing so. There was King JarJar Bellows of Kogitaria who had been proceeding most loudly with the greatest reluctance into the contest, urged on by hordes of invisible dementors. There was also, very suddenly, Mefilius, Warden of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar and exclusive custodian of the orizal visions of King Gambrach for the sativication of the nation – his dementors were also gathering, but more visibly than JarJar Bellows’.

“Ser Mefilius has shown great dexterity in the management of the Kingdom’s coin, implementing several rates of exchange with the Bidenistani Shekel, thereby ensuring that economic saboteurs did not know which one to defend against, by which victory was established over economic stability!

“Mefilius did not think his hallowed office too sacred to abandon High Policy for the orizal swamps – indeed he made them his dwelling place, causing the price of the paddy grain to rise so high that farmers salivated at the potential windfall!

“Singlehandedly, Mefilius helped Gambrach steer Jirria away from the seas inhabited by Chavezistan and Mugabestan. Yea, for these reasons and an uncountable more, we demand that he makes himself available for the iron throne of Boo Jar!”

The people of Jirria had never seen such a thing, where the serving warden of the Iron Bank was being dementored towards the Iron Throne. And lo, unchill began to rumble again.

Shiwajun continued his quest for the iron throne, after a brief period of repose in Jandinia, seeking support from various quarters across the land. And following one such visit, it was alleged that his robes were soiled and of stench when he rose to address the audience. Yea, engravings of the event filled Twilistia and all of Social Mediana. But the Shiwajunistas declared it a fabrication of the Shops of Foto and urged all to disregard all insinuations of incontinence. Yea, they continued to sing their Shiwajunian anthem, with vim and gusto, “ON YOUR MAN BITS WE SHALL STAND, ON YOUR MAN BITS WE SHALL STAND! ON YOUR MAN BITS, ON YOUR MAN BITS, ON YOUR MAN BITS WE SHALL STAND!!” Is that safe, everyone else wondered?

And it was in that day that Constabilius Supernumerary Extraordinaire – Bacca Ki-Arry – was declared a wanted person by the King’s Narcosentinels. The Narcosentinels were headed by former man of Gunn Myrrh-Wa, who had served as King of Ekonoss in the era of the Gunners. Myrrh-Wa approached his commission more as a scentinel than a sentinel and was determined to sniff out Narcophiliacs every gaddem where. Ki-Arry was already under suspicion and suspension and investigation for his fraternity with the Hushing Puppy and the accusation of the Narcosentinels ensured his future behind bars drew nearer.

The Jirrians had their suspicions but had never seen a Constabilius Supernumerary Extraordinaire proclaimed a Narcophiliac with such near certainty. And lo, the unchill in the land grew louder.

But they hadn’t seen anything yet. The seasons of electoralis had always been seasons of betrayals and defecations but little did the people know that the contest for the throne of Oshunlonica was about to serve them tea. At the last contest for Kingship, the Lord of the Dance (Uncle to the Bard SolomonO, birribengbeng) was widely believed to have won the context but Shiwajun and Ogbenyssius unleashed a wahala morghulis of sorts and Boyegius Tolanix of Iragbijishire (wink, wink, hint, hint) was coronated as King. The first quadrannium of King Boyegius was drawing to a close and ordinarily he was entitled to contend again for the throne but it seemed Ogbenyssius was desirous of a different outcome.

For news came to the Jirrians in Twilistia and on the Book of Faces, that Ogbenyssius spake against Shiwajun publicly and polemically. He said “Freinds, Oshunlonicans, countrymen!! Remember ye not, that in Ekonnos there was a King, King Ambsalom of the Waist Corset, who ruled for one quadrannium but was not favoured by his Court for another and SOME PEOPLE banished him?”

“Yes!!!” the crowd responded.

“SOME PEOPLE ensured that his lack of popularity in House Apicurea was rightly rewarded. Didn’t they?”

“YES!!” the crowd cried back in earnest.

“And now that their sibling from Iragbijishire suffers the same dispopularity in Oshunlonica, should he not face the same fate? Should he not? But SOME PEOPLE think they can lean in and prevent it? Should it be so?”

“NO!!!” came the resounding cry.

“SOME PEOPLE’s man bits have been stood on for so long now that they suffer involuntary micturition!”

WHATTT??? The people could not believe that such credence would be lent to these suspicions by someone in the innermost circles of Shiwajun. And in the words of the ancient thespian Dunladus Koladus, they exclaimed, “Ogbenyssius wanna focking shey yeye Shiwajun niwajun awon ara ita???“

AND THERE WAS NO GADDEM CHILL IN THE LAND!!!

The Oryzatification of Gambrach

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News came to Jirrians that one of their ancient kings has passed. King Nekan of the Single Buttock transited to the great beyond at the age of four score and five. His reign was the shortest of the Jirrian Kings, having been installed by King Gida (a man of Gunn) to forestall the ascension of Ser Kashy Mah-Wo to the Iron Throne of Boo Jar. However, Nekan was usurped by the beastly Bar-Charr of the Golden Apple, after only three months, ushering in an era of great fear and trembling in the land. But that was long ago, these were the days of King Gambrach.

In the kingdom of MyBiaBia, King Pay Azu was in the village square to let the people know how fantastic a king he was, notwithstanding MyBiaBian markets being flooded with sludge. It came to pass that King Pay Azu was asked about the royal bridge that had been under construction for one and half quadrannia. Behold, King Pay Azu was incensed.

“This question vexes the King!” he declared. “No one made any intercession for this bridge. Behold, I looked into the goodness of my heart to build it, that chariots and carriages might pass. Yet, every day I am asked about its completion date by pedestrian peasants. Well, let it be known, that whenever I choose to complete the gaddem bridge, it will never be trod upon by hungry chariotless MyBiaBians – it shall only be for myself and the kingdom’s nobles!”

Unchill again began to rumble in the land. But not for long, because it was time once again for the Freekan tournament of Kickit, in the land of Karma-Roon. Karma-Roon shared a long border with Jirria and its KickIt team was a big rival of Jirria’s in the sport. Nothing brought chill to Jirrians like tournaments featuring their KickIt team.

The ensuing chill was the right opportunity for would-be kings to declare their interest to contend for the Throne of Boo Jar in the coming Electoralis. Shiwajun had already declared that he had informed King Gambrach of his intention and was quickly followed by Slokky Kah-Loo, who once reigned with his mother over the people of MyBiaBia and King Mah-Hi of the imaginary kingdom of EbonyiandIvory (for only Ebonyivorians truly knew where the kingdom was). They also performed Informatus Rex and let Gambrach know they wished to succeed him. Moghalus had once again told the people of Jirria in Twillistia that he wanted to be King, as had Mommodeen the Panoramix.

Twas in that day that Mefilius, Warden of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar gathered all from near and far to witness the glorious harvest of paddy grain. Gambrach had decreed that no matter the cost to livelihoods or how expensive it made paddy grain in Jirriah, paddy grain would be grown willy nilly.

“But how wilt the people eat paddy grain if it becomes so expensive?” it was asked, to which Mammus Povertinam, a dedicated Gambrachian had responded, “It is written – man shall not live by paddy grain alone and if any cannot eat paddy grain, let him weevils!” And all the Lovengers decreed that she was right, as they hailed the glorious vision of Gambrach.

Mefilius had pledged total fealty to Gambrach’s vision and had made the Bidenistani coin unavailable for paddy grain merchants. When Gambrach sealed the borders, Mefilius sealed even more tightly the vaults of Iron Bank of Boo Jar, save for disbursement to the Borrowers of Anchorage. The Borrowers of Anchorage were select farmers to whom the Iron Bank of Boo Jar loaned money, under the implicit understanding that repayment or collection were discretionary. It was a glorious hemorrhaging of the kingdom’s coin.

But there was paddy grain in Car-Knoe, as Bashally the Spinning Quill of Gambrach had once declared. And there was paddy grain in several other locations across the Kingdom.

“How much paddy grain exactly do we have in the Kingdom?” Gambrach asked Mefilius. Staphie, the Councillor for Farming wanted to answer, but Mefilius shut him up with a stern glance.

“Glorious King,” Mefilius began, “an achievement as this deserves not just to be counted on the royal abacus, but gathered from all ends of the kingdom that all in the galaxy may see your horticultural wisdom. Behold, despite our penury, I have, sparing no expense, assembled all the paddy grain in the kingdom and stacked them high! High, your Majesty!! Higher than any eye can see!!”

Gambrach came to the ground where the paddy grain was stacked and was overcome with emotion. “You are Mefilius! Mefilius the great; and on this pyramid I shall build my retirement crutch!”

The people saw the stacked paddy grain and grumbled at how much it cost despite its Mefilian stacking.

However, nothing prepared them for their team’s loss in the KickIt to the Carthagians of the North. Yea, when it became known to them that Gambrach had spoken with the Jirrian team ahead of the KickIt bout, and infused them with his unwinning demeanour, the people lost it. And there was no gaddem chill in the land.

The Declaration of Shiwajun

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It was many moons since the Chronicler had given up the quill, having lost hope that he would see any visions of chill in Jirria. And yea, the chronicles remained in a state of Beddingfield – unwritten.

It was during this time that the prefecture of Twillistia was ejected from the Kingdom of Jirria. King Gambrach had delivered a speech of great vigour and upliftment to his countrymen, assuring them that there would once again be chill. He also delivered an unthinly veiled message to the people of South Easteros.

“Ye have troublemakers amongst thee, who sometimes forget, perhaps because of my currently amiable and cheery disposition, that I once was a man of Gunn. I fought in the Frabanian wars in which ye were scourged. And there be no chill among thee, behold, I will speak to thee again in a language which ye understandeth!”

The people heard it and there was no gaddem chill in the land. “Knoweth Gambrach not what he threatens?” Wherefore they cried unto Samurai Jack, the King of Twilistia, saying, “Spare us the indignity of Gambrach’s words! Strike them down from the Twilistian annals!! Let them be expunged forever, for his words threaten our mental health and trigger within us much unchill!!”

Sumari Jack hearkened unto their cries and the twinkling of an eye, Gambrach’s words were raptured away from Twillistia in glorious deletus. Whereafter, all the Councillors of Gambrach were incensed, particularly Lar Yi, his Councillor for Misdirection and Propaganda. “Who doth Samurai Jack consider himself to be, that he brings vanishment upon the most hallowed and sacred words of King Gambrach? If he be King of Twillistia, well Gambrach is King of Jirria! And if he wouldest banish Gambrach from Twillistia, then we will purge Jirria of Samurai Jack and the gaddem Twillistines!!!”

The Gambrachian Mumuric Organisation was taken aback, for where else would they be relevant if the prefecture of Twillistia was banished. “Temper this injustice with mercy,” they pleaded. “I shall only temper it with more temper!!” came the charged reply.

And thus followed a time of peace such as had never been seen in Twillistia, for the Gambrachian Mumurics were silenced and others flitted in and out of Twillistia by means of the Valar Propoundis Networks.

In the castle of Bored Dyllon, an aide of Shiwajun asked him, “Is it time, my lord?”, to which he answered, “When it is time, ye shall not be in doubt.”

Shortly afterwards, King Gambrach went on the Char Knells to give an account of his Kingship to the people, through questions from Thankful Peacock and Ma Oprie. “Great King Gambrach, how art thou today?”, they asked him.

“Thank you so much, I am in an agricultural state of health. I’m thankful to the creator for his seedlings of life in the flower bed of my heart. Daily I fertilise my mind with the divine bovine milk of serendipity.”

“Your Majesty, you know that there is much unchill in the land and your centurions labour to defeat the haramites of Boko. When will these travails end?”

“They will end when there is a bountiful harvest of food. Remember when I ordered all the land borders closed and forced us to grow rice? Unfortunately, it is the abundance of this rice that keeps the enemy troops fed. But we are getting close.”

“How about the roaming cattle of the Yetis of Gawd and the village communities being destroyed?”

“We need to make more arable land available for our young people to farm.”

“But this is an era of blocked chains and worldwide webs…”

“Webs, I don’t mind so much, because they are a tool of harvest. But any chain that cannot be put in the soil and watered and harvested cannot be a building block of any sort.”

Ma Oprie was stunned into silence. Thankful Peacock thought he would try one last time. “Wise King, would thou in thine own estimation ascribe success to your Kingship? I only ask because food is much more expensive, conflicts are much more rife, regional travel is much less secure.”

Gambrach answered, “I am grateful that each leg of your question was the word ‘much’ in it because we have done so much, truly. And the icing will be when we give people more seeds and hoes and scythes to till the land. And then I shall retire to my farm.”

“Dear Lord! Very well then, Majesty, who wilt thou have succeed ye on the throne, Old Macdonald? He has a farm and all.”

“Ha ha! I see what you did there,” chuckled Gambrach, “but I shall keep my preferred successor hidden like a tuber of yam, like a husbandried cow, revealing its calf only on the day of delivery.”

The people of Jirria heard it all, and there was no gaddem chill in the land. And in the midst of the furore, the courtiers in Castle Bored Dyllon asked Shiwajun, “Great Earl of Iragbijishire, IS IT TIME?”

Wherefore Shiwajun came unto the people of Jirria and declared, “Behold, I have informed Gambrach that it is my wish to succeed him, yea, it is my lifelong ambition to ascend the Iron Throne of Boo Jar. Verily, ye shall see and hear more of me in the coming months. Electoralis is again at hand!”

And in all of Jirria was there no gaddem chill to be found.

The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: The Pantomime of Bikinimi

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After a season of gbakamuninion with the unchill in the Kingdom of Jirria, the spirit of the Tword once again came upon the Chronicler, bringing phantasmagoric visions of Gambrachian doings.

It was time once again for the annual Colustrum of Shiwajun, where the Apicureans gathered from near and far to suckle from the nipples of Shiwajun as he lactated his milk of ancient wisdom. The Colustrum was held in the Car-Knoe, the Kingdom of King Macashma Gandy, the eldorado of every Electoralis.

The Apicurean nobles gathered from near and far to hear what Shiwajun might have to say about the ills and lack of chill pervading the land. All knew it was the innermost desire of Shiwajun to succeed Gambrach on the Iron Throne of Boo Jar and, unlike Gambrach, he was pursuing with the use of Too Wrenchy. Alas the Too Wrenchy failed Shiwajun, and yea after he paused for ten seconds he blurted out, “we shall solve the unemployment plaguing our young men by building an army bigger than all the armies of the world put together and then outsource soldiers to all the warfronts of the world – for soldiers are evenly distributed but war is not. And yea, we shall call this starting up idea of providing manpower to the world’s armies ‘MAndela’. And all the Apicurean cronies cheered in united vapidity.

It was also in that day that Ser DooMar,the Warden of Conductivitis, ventured into St. Banex Square to fix his device of portability. One of the sentries manning the square called out to him, saying, “Hail, o nondescript nobleman driving a huge chariot. I bid thee good morrow and ask that you ask your chariotsman to convey your chariot to a different parking location – for it rests in illegality in its current postion.”

Ser DooMar was incensed. “What does a mere peasant like you know about illegality? Do you know that I preside over Conductivitis to probe the illegalities of Kings and Dukes and nobles? Take that, you bloody knave!” he declared as he dealt the sentry a huge slap. The other sentries were displeased at the assault of their comrade and surrounded DooMar, menacingly. His squire panicked and started screaming, “They are Frabanians, they are Frabanians!” and it was the Constabulary that saved them both. The people of Jirria heard it and a rumbling of unchill swept the land.

In North Easteros, the battle continued to rage between the Haramites of Boko and the King’s Army. The Haramites were fiercely armed and had downed two of the King’s Combat Winged Chariots. Morale was low in the garrison, wherefore Ser Unsagash, the King’s Counsellor for War visited the troops to rally them. “Be bold and courageous,” he charged them, “fear not the arrows of the Haramites nor their spears!!!”

“Have you brought us bodily armour to protect us from their killingness?” the troops asked.

“Oh no, not at all! Are you kidding?” Unsagash replied. “I am here to assure, as the King’s Counsellor for War, that there is no need to fear the weapons of the enemy! For we all know, don’t we, that if we are not meant to die by the tip of the spear or an arrow, only a sword can kill us?” And the people heard the words of Unsagash, and the unchill in the land grew.

Yea, the unchill swept into the chambers of Ser Bikinimi, Gambrach’s Counsellor for Advanced Communications, at the peak of his NINcompoop Project. The NINcompoop Project was designed to capture the details and features of all the people in the Kingdom. First it was alleged that the Kingdoms of Bidenistan and Jandinia had placed him on the no-winged-chariot list, for being intensely intelligent about violent religionism, but that was very quickly recanted.

But then the details of Ser Bikinimi’s violently intelligent religiosity came to the fore and, maaaaiiiigheeeeurd, there was no chill anywhere. Ser Bikinimi ascribed his unveiling to his championing of NINcompoop. “These things that were said about me were said in the days of my youth. I am grown now and more mature. And see, I have many people with less intelligent religious fervour in my employ. They are religiously stupid and regionally less endowed and yet i employ them. Canst ye not see that I am not bigoted???”

Then a young squire by the name Hunny Din went deep into the citadels to consult all the oracles. And when he emerged, he revealed that Ser Bikinimi had professed love for Sama – the Patron Demon of Pandemonium and El-Karda, the global union of pandemoniumists. Ser Bikinimi had declared an overflowing of joy when people who believed in Fidel Castro (‘inFidels’) were slain by pandemoniumists.

The people read it and there was no gaddem chill in the land.

BON, COSON and MUSIC-SHUNs: 5 THINGS

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It has now been widely reported  that IBAN* and BON** (associations of independent television and radio broadcasters) have chosen, in response to lawsuits by COSON, seeking the payment of royalties for its members, to stop playing the music of COSON-registered artists. Here are a few bits and bobs on collecting societies and royalty payments.

  1. What is a Collecting Society?

A collecting society is an organisation that, as the name suggests, collects royalties income on behalf of its members. What income? Well, you’d have to go back to Copyright 102, on who owns the music, for copyright basics. However, to quickly summarise, the music and the process through which it is made confers exploitable rights on different people. If you’re a busy song writer or a touring singer, the chances are that you cannot track all the stores, radio and tv stations, digital platforms, etc. playing or selling your music. Collecting societies do this for their members. Examples of collecting societies outside Nigeria are The Harry Fox Agency, PRS for Music, ASCAP, NORM, SAMRO and so on. In Nigeria, we have COSON – the Copyright Society of Nigeria. COSON is the collecting society for musical works and sound recordings in Nigeria. What are musical works and sound recordings? See Copyright 101.

2.   Does COSON represent only singers/artists?

In theory, no. I reckon COSON would also argue that it doesn’t just represent singers in practice.  In theory, COSON should represent and indeed holds itself out to represent everyone in the music-making process – singers, writers, instrumentalists, producers and so on. However, the nature of copyright is such that if a producer or instrumentalist was hired and paid a one-off fee for their work, it is deemed a work-for-hire and copyright vests in the employer. Which brings me to the “in theory” part, because in Nigeria,  most singers write their own songs and the producer (hired and paid a one-off fee) sequences the music with software. After Cobhams, not too many others hire session bassists, guitarists, percussionists, etc., unless you’re part of a fuji or highlife band, but you get the drift. If a singer who’s written his own music (or his label), hires a producer (on a one-off fee) who lays the beats, who owns the copyright in the work? The artist? That’s right. But I am more than happy to be corrected if my assessment is wrong.

3.   How do Collecting Societies pay their members?

I’m just going to copy and paste the ASCAP formula . You can find the breakdown and explanation on their webpage, here.

Use Weight  X  Licensee Weight  X   “Follow The Dollar Factor”   X   Time of Day Weight   X   General Licensing Allocation

+

Radio Feature Premium Credits
(for radio performances only where applicable)

+

TV Premium Credits
(for performances in highly rated series, where applicable)

=

CREDITS

You can also view BMI’s method here.

How does COSON pay its members? They also describe it on their website and here’s another copy and paste:

“At COSON, there are two categories of distributions: Specific Distribution and General Distribution.

“When a license is issued for a clearly identifiable work or a log is received from which the royalty due to a particular work is clearly discernible (e.g radio & TV promos, road shows, jingles, ringtones, etc), the copyright owner/s is entitled to a royalty based on how much the society has collected on behalf of the owner from the user. The only deduction in this case will be the administrative cost.

On the other hand, a general distribution is made to members across the board, in cases where the royalty collected cannot reasonably be ascribed to any specific work or where the members at an AGM have decided that a token be paid to all members irrespective of the amount of use of their works. General distributions are usually done once in a year.”

4.   Is COSON the only collecting society in Nigeria?

Uhm, yes, although Charlie Boy and his friends at MCSN would probably disagree with me. And this article, here, suggests there should be more than one. However, the Copyright Act says that you cannot officially be a collecting society unless the Copyright Commission licenses you as such. The Act goes further to state that that the Copyright Commission does not need to license more than one collecting society if it is satisfied that a single society can carry out the role adequately. Therefore, as the law currently stands, royalties for the broadcast of musical works and sound recordings in Nigeria are payable to COSON alone.

5. Does COSON’s “International Standards” Argument Fly?

COSON prefaces most of its statements on this matter with a reference to international standards and practices for the industry. If we want a world-class industry, then YES, it certainly makes sense for us to adopt the standards that the very best representatives of the international industry have imbibed. However, our history, both economic and political, has shown (and it’s unclear to me whether this is fortuitous or by malevolent design) that wholesale adoption of international standards has not always worked. In his piece on the matter, industry heavyweight, Efe Omorogbe frowns at the BON/IBAN tack of wanting to develop a system that takes the “peculiarities of the Nigerian industry” into cognisance. Obviously, given how long BON and IBAN have contended with collecting societies (and other, more sinister motives, as alleged by COSON), there are some trust/credibility issues. But there is nothing wrong (if BON/IBAN are sincere) with looking at the roles that culture, environment, etc. played in the evolution of international systems while they were evolving, and see if we need to tweak any parts of what we’re adopting. For instance, is it a factor worth considering that in the royalty regimes practising these international standards, pirates and piracy are not as pervasive as they are here? Is it worth considering that our traditional channels for distribution now involve an Alaba “distributor” negotiating a one-off fee with the artist and  the artist expecting no more sales income from the album (thank God for digital)? These have no direct bearing on radio and television per se, but they underscore the point that our industry is neither American nor British – it is Nigerian.

Clearly, BON and IBAN have to pay for licences to exploit the music, unless they all decide to become 100% talk radio stations. This is more so as they are required to have 80% Nigerian content. If their ban is as a result of not wanting to pay at all, it is unconscionable. If, on the other hand, they want to develop a royalties regime in good faith for the Nigerian industry, then rather than merely complaining about antagonism and harassment, they should be putting out counter-proposals to COSON’s. Eventually, the law suits that have been filed by COSON will reach a conclusion and things will come to a head. It will be interesting to see if the ban will last as long as the lawsuits.

________________________________________________________

**IBAN – Independent Broadcasting Association of Nigeria

**BON – Broadcasting Organisations of Nigeria

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