News came to Twillistia and Social Mediana that Shiwajun bore the scars of narcotic indictments and forfeitures from Bidenistan; that though he was a man of the abacus, the beads upon which the number of his years could acurately be counted had yet to be invented; and that, contrary to legend, Iragbijishire was where his umbilical cord was buried.

The aides at the Shiwajunian Palace of Bored Dyllon were thrown into a tizz, knowing not how to respond to the Social Medianites. But Shiwajun was calm. “See ye these rumours in Papyrussia or Ancient Mediana?” he asked them. “Nay, sire,” they responded. “Therefore be ye calm and find me Amy Logan, as I have instructed thee.” The aides were confused, but proceeded into all of Jirria, declaring a bounty for Amy Logan and, just in case they had heard the name incorrectly, Emille Oconn.

Now, as was customary in the land, very shortly after each House had nominated its champion in electoralis primera, the champions all chose a Hand – someone to sit around on stand-by in the event the champion became king and died whilst on the Iron Throne, such as Osinoshin was the Hand of Gambrach.

Arty Cool the Perennial chose Arturo O’Cowa, King of the Deltanians, also coming to the end of his second quadrannium on the throne. Obiwan Pitobi chose Suffidat as his Hand. Suffidavit had once been a senateen but the Magistarium had declared his election perfidious and he was thus removed. Shiwajun knew all eyes would be on him, as he was of the same House as King Gambrach, who sat upon the Iron Throne.

“Have ye found Amy Logan?” Shiwajun asked his men. “She will tell me who to appoint as my Hand.” His men looked at each other nervously and one of them finally summoned the courage to speak. “Oh Lord Shiwajun of Bored Dyllon, surest successor to Gambrach, may you live even longer. Your Grace, we searched high and low, for Amy Logan and Emille Oconn and Emil O’Corn, across all the kingdoms, but we found none bearing that name. We even cast our minds back to the wise words from your annual collostrum, and searched in the fields of cassava and the plantations of corn and the barn stores of beans and nary an Amy or Emille was to be found. Your Grace, you will have to choose your Hand of your own self.” Very well, thought Shiwajun to himself. I shall choose one of the Apicurean kings to be my Hand.

Now, the people of Jirria had many things which set them apart from each other. They were Northerosi and Southerosi in their origin and customs. Some were Stians and others were Slims. The Stians and the Slims were to be found amongst both Northerosi and Southerosi men but if a Northerosi Slim was king, the convention of the Kingdom was that his Hand would be a Southerosi Stian and vice versa.

Many thought that Shiwajun would choose Macashma Gandi, the Great Sold, King of Car-Knoe, as his Hand. But Shiwajun had heard many allegations about Gandi, including suggestions of excessive proximity to the Car-Knosian treasury. “This goes against every fibre of my ethos,” Shiwajun was reported to have said. Gandi, like Shiwajun, was also a Slim, so the people thought this ruled him out.

Others thus suggested King A-La-La-La-La-Long-Long-Li-Long-Long-Long of Play-Too, for he was a Northerosi Stian but he also did not find favour with Shiwajun. Lo, the Apicureans were perplexed, for Shiwajun tarried greatly.

One night, Shiwajun gathered the Apicurean prefects and asked them to bring before him Cashmoney the Shetty Man, who in quadrannia past has ruled as King in Borry Noo.

“Why?” they asked Shiwajun.

“I wish to make him my Hand,” he responded.

“Cashmoney? The Shetty Man? The people of our kingdoms will not accept this. Hast thou forgotten that like you he is a Slim? And a Fulannister like King Gambrach?”

“Brethren, those are the exact qualities I need to triumph at electoralis. Bring him before me.”

“What if we rechristen King A-La-La-La-La-Long-Long-Li-Long-Long-Long of Play-Too, so that he is now known as Emille Oconn?”

“No. No. No. Enough of this now. My mind is set on Cashmoney the Shetty Man.”

Wherefore, Shiwajun lay on the floor in the middle of the Apicurean sanctum and Cashmoney was brought in. The Apicurean prefects handed him an ear of corn and a bowl of beans and asked him to move closer to Shiwajun.

“Cashmoney, wilt thou now pledge fealty to Shiwajun of Bored Dyllon?”

“I will,” declared the Shetty Man. A gong sounded 3 times, whereupon Cashmoney stepped onto Shiwajun’s groin abd broke out into song – On your man-bits I shall stand, on your man-bits I shall stand, on your man-bits, on your man-bits, on your man-bits I shall stand. He then stepped off Shiwajun’s groin and ate the beans and the corn. And thus, it was done. The Shetty Man had been cornscripted to be Shiwajun’s Hand.

Shiwajun arose and led Cashmoney into Twillistia and Social Mediana, announcing, “Behold, I have chosen my Hand.” But as Shiwajun tried to raise the Shetty Man’s hands, the people saw him shaking visibly and was unable to raise either his or Cashmoney’s hands aloft.

“He is infirm!” the people cried. “He presenteth a double-Slim Kingship!!” cried others. “When Cashmoney was King of the BorryNoobians, a chieftain of the Haramites of Boko was found by the Constabulary in the Borry Noo palace in Boo Jar!!! This is a travesty!!!” cried others.

And in all the lands and kingdoms of Jirria, not a gaddem speck of chill was found.

The clouds of electoralis continued to gather in the Kingdom of Jirria and soon it was time for each electorailing house to choose its champion.

The Apicureans had declared in large numbers and a huge electoralis primera was planned, and hotly anticipated in Twilistia and Social Mediana. The word in Twilistia was that Gambrach desireth to serve Shiwajun a burnaboynian breakfast. However, it was known to all men that none was better in the arts of Wahala Morghulis than Shiwajun himself.

In House Padipalia, the leading contenders were Fearsome Wee-Kay of Rivissina, Obi-Wan Pitobi of Nambria and Arty Cool the Perennial. As the electoralis primera of the Padipalians drew nigh, Obi-Wan Pitobi awoke one morning, feeling uneasy after the dream he’d had. In his dream, he had seen a structureless house, with no foundations, with no shishi, floating above a huge Rock. And a voice said unto him, “Obi-Wan, thou art the Pitobi, and upon your rock, my structurelessness shall stand!”

Wherefore, Pitobi gathered his robes and belongings and announced his departure from the Padipalians, for the vision was clear to him. He vanished for three days and three nights, and when he emerged, he emerged as champion for House Dohaeris. Lo, did the Apicureans and Padipalians make huge mockery of him and the Dohaerisses, saying “the Dohaerisses have not the benefit of historical pillaging of the public purse to fund their activities. Obi-Wan shall soon realise that men of honesty cannot take the Iron Throne of Boo-Jar.”

In Apicurean gatherings, Shiwajun sensed a less than overwhelming support for his ambitions and thus decided to remind the Apicureans of just who he was. He journed to Ogunssopotamia and spake to the gathering in High Yorballian, saying –

“Have ye forgotten just who the hell I am? Remember ye not how my hands have held up the firmament of our great house and how thy kings are inscribed upon the palms of my hands? Could even this abjectly common one,” he sneered towards King Dah-Poe, “be King without my benefactions?“

And from that day on, King Dah-Poe became known throughout Jirriah by his new title, King Dah-Poe The Abjectly Common.

Shiwajun continued. “Twas these same benefactions that enthroned King Gambrach in Boo Jar. Had he not failed and failed and failed and failed and failed and failed and failed? Yea, he wept when he remembered he hadn’t won. But I came unto him and carried away his lachrymallity, requiring from him just a word, that he would not forget the Yorball in the Boo-Jarrian lands. Behold, the Iron Throne must fall to us Yorballs and yea, it must fall to me! In the words of the great ancient prophetess Diana of Rawsse, ‘It’s my turn!’ Ich bin dran, so get me Amy Logan!!!”.

“Amy Logan?”, asked the Abjectly Common one and the other Apicurians. “Yes”, answered Shiwajun, “Amy Logan. Get her.”

Lo, the people heard it and unchill began to rumble in the land.

Thus, the time drew nigh for the Padipalians to conduct their primera and select their champion. And despite Abushola’s eloquence and Fearsome Wee-Kay’s fidelity and fiduciary fulminousity to the Apicureans, Arty Cool emerged champion and flag bearer. Fearsome believed it not and for days later he was heard singing the Daminian Lament, “Ye shalt be amazed at the result oh (I was), there’s nothing to discuss oh, I didn’t win by default oh, I canst withstand this insult oh, I NEED A BOAT AND SHY HOES!!!“

Yea, did the pendulum swing unto the Apicureans. And lo, they came, one after the other, to make their case to be champion. Most notable of them was Ben Ten Jack Too Rich who drew inspiration from his mother’s susceptibility to amorous defraudment and her consequential gestatory prolificness.

Try as they might, no one could withstand the Wahala Morghulis of Shiwajun, who won by a mudslide, beating Monoraillius Incompletus well into second place.

The die was cast. And last last, the Apicureans all had breakfast. Shah Yo O!

But then news came to Twillistia that Shiwajun bore the scars of narcotic indictments and forfeitures from Bidenistan; that though he was a man of the abacus, the beads upon which the number of his years could acurately be counted had yet to be invented; and that, contrary to legend, Iragbijishire was where his umbilical cord was buried.

The people heard it and there was no gaddem chill in the land.

The storms of electoralis continued to blow across the Jirrian Kingdoms and descended again on Ekitilopia, where the reign of King Jekfa was coming to an end. The Apicurean and Padipalian houses gathered to choose their champions to fight another proxy war on behalf of the 2 Hokey-Pokey Ekitilopian Kings. Why were Jekfa and Yode Hokey-Pokey? Well, as the ancient canticle went, “You put the Yode in, the Jekfa out, in out in out and shake them both about…”

Jekfa threw his incumbent weight behind Yebanjius, while Yode hoped Kollax would fare better than Nondes Crypt, his champion and Padipalia’s in the last outing.

Electoralis Federalis fever also continued to sweep the kingdoms with lots of people pestering others, who had absolutely no intention of contending for the iron throne, into doing so. There was King JarJar Bellows of Kogitaria who had been proceeding most loudly with the greatest reluctance into the contest, urged on by hordes of invisible dementors. There was also, very suddenly, Mefilius, Warden of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar and exclusive custodian of the orizal visions of King Gambrach for the sativication of the nation – his dementors were also gathering, but more visibly than JarJar Bellows’.

“Ser Mefilius has shown great dexterity in the management of the Kingdom’s coin, implementing several rates of exchange with the Bidenistani Shekel, thereby ensuring that economic saboteurs did not know which one to defend against, by which victory was established over economic stability!

“Mefilius did not think his hallowed office too sacred to abandon High Policy for the orizal swamps – indeed he made them his dwelling place, causing the price of the paddy grain to rise so high that farmers salivated at the potential windfall!

“Singlehandedly, Mefilius helped Gambrach steer Jirria away from the seas inhabited by Chavezistan and Mugabestan. Yea, for these reasons and an uncountable more, we demand that he makes himself available for the iron throne of Boo Jar!”

The people of Jirria had never seen such a thing, where the serving warden of the Iron Bank was being dementored towards the Iron Throne. And lo, unchill began to rumble again.

Shiwajun continued his quest for the iron throne, after a brief period of repose in Jandinia, seeking support from various quarters across the land. And following one such visit, it was alleged that his robes were soiled and of stench when he rose to address the audience. Yea, engravings of the event filled Twilistia and all of Social Mediana. But the Shiwajunistas declared it a fabrication of the Shops of Foto and urged all to disregard all insinuations of incontinence. Yea, they continued to sing their Shiwajunian anthem, with vim and gusto, “ON YOUR MAN BITS WE SHALL STAND, ON YOUR MAN BITS WE SHALL STAND! ON YOUR MAN BITS, ON YOUR MAN BITS, ON YOUR MAN BITS WE SHALL STAND!!” Is that safe, everyone else wondered?

And it was in that day that Constabilius Supernumerary Extraordinaire – Bacca Ki-Arry – was declared a wanted person by the King’s Narcosentinels. The Narcosentinels were headed by former man of Gunn Myrrh-Wa, who had served as King of Ekonoss in the era of the Gunners. Myrrh-Wa approached his commission more as a scentinel than a sentinel and was determined to sniff out Narcophiliacs every gaddem where. Ki-Arry was already under suspicion and suspension and investigation for his fraternity with the Hushing Puppy and the accusation of the Narcosentinels ensured his future behind bars drew nearer.

The Jirrians had their suspicions but had never seen a Constabilius Supernumerary Extraordinaire proclaimed a Narcophiliac with such near certainty. And lo, the unchill in the land grew louder.

But they hadn’t seen anything yet. The seasons of electoralis had always been seasons of betrayals and defecations but little did the people know that the contest for the throne of Oshunlonica was about to serve them tea. At the last contest for Kingship, the Lord of the Dance (Uncle to the Bard SolomonO, birribengbeng) was widely believed to have won the context but Shiwajun and Ogbenyssius unleashed a wahala morghulis of sorts and Boyegius Tolanix of Iragbijishire (wink, wink, hint, hint) was coronated as King. The first quadrannium of King Boyegius was drawing to a close and ordinarily he was entitled to contend again for the throne but it seemed Ogbenyssius was desirous of a different outcome.

For news came to the Jirrians in Twilistia and on the Book of Faces, that Ogbenyssius spake against Shiwajun publicly and polemically. He said “Freinds, Oshunlonicans, countrymen!! Remember ye not, that in Ekonnos there was a King, King Ambsalom of the Waist Corset, who ruled for one quadrannium but was not favoured by his Court for another and SOME PEOPLE banished him?”

“Yes!!!” the crowd responded.

“SOME PEOPLE ensured that his lack of popularity in House Apicurea was rightly rewarded. Didn’t they?”

“YES!!” the crowd cried back in earnest.

“And now that their sibling from Iragbijishire suffers the same dispopularity in Oshunlonica, should he not face the same fate? Should he not? But SOME PEOPLE think they can lean in and prevent it? Should it be so?”

“NO!!!” came the resounding cry.

“SOME PEOPLE’s man bits have been stood on for so long now that they suffer involuntary micturition!”

WHATTT??? The people could not believe that such credence would be lent to these suspicions by someone in the innermost circles of Shiwajun. And in the words of the ancient thespian Dunladus Koladus, they exclaimed, “Ogbenyssius wanna focking shey yeye Shiwajun niwajun awon ara ita???“

AND THERE WAS NO GADDEM CHILL IN THE LAND!!!

News came to Jirrians that one of their ancient kings has passed. King Nekan of the Single Buttock transited to the great beyond at the age of four score and five. His reign was the shortest of the Jirrian Kings, having been installed by King Gida (a man of Gunn) to forestall the ascension of Ser Kashy Mah-Wo to the Iron Throne of Boo Jar. However, Nekan was usurped by the beastly Bar-Charr of the Golden Apple, after only three months, ushering in an era of great fear and trembling in the land. But that was long ago, these were the days of King Gambrach.

In the kingdom of MyBiaBia, King Pay Azu was in the village square to let the people know how fantastic a king he was, notwithstanding MyBiaBian markets being flooded with sludge. It came to pass that King Pay Azu was asked about the royal bridge that had been under construction for one and half quadrannia. Behold, King Pay Azu was incensed.

“This question vexes the King!” he declared. “No one made any intercession for this bridge. Behold, I looked into the goodness of my heart to build it, that chariots and carriages might pass. Yet, every day I am asked about its completion date by pedestrian peasants. Well, let it be known, that whenever I choose to complete the gaddem bridge, it will never be trod upon by hungry chariotless MyBiaBians – it shall only be for myself and the kingdom’s nobles!”

Unchill again began to rumble in the land. But not for long, because it was time once again for the Freekan tournament of Kickit, in the land of Karma-Roon. Karma-Roon shared a long border with Jirria and its KickIt team was a big rival of Jirria’s in the sport. Nothing brought chill to Jirrians like tournaments featuring their KickIt team.

The ensuing chill was the right opportunity for would-be kings to declare their interest to contend for the Throne of Boo Jar in the coming Electoralis. Shiwajun had already declared that he had informed King Gambrach of his intention and was quickly followed by Slokky Kah-Loo, who once reigned with his mother over the people of MyBiaBia and King Mah-Hi of the imaginary kingdom of EbonyiandIvory (for only Ebonyivorians truly knew where the kingdom was). They also performed Informatus Rex and let Gambrach know they wished to succeed him. Moghalus had once again told the people of Jirria in Twillistia that he wanted to be King, as had Mommodeen the Panoramix.

Twas in that day that Mefilius, Warden of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar gathered all from near and far to witness the glorious harvest of paddy grain. Gambrach had decreed that no matter the cost to livelihoods or how expensive it made paddy grain in Jirriah, paddy grain would be grown willy nilly.

“But how wilt the people eat paddy grain if it becomes so expensive?” it was asked, to which Mammus Povertinam, a dedicated Gambrachian had responded, “It is written – man shall not live by paddy grain alone and if any cannot eat paddy grain, let him weevils!” And all the Lovengers decreed that she was right, as they hailed the glorious vision of Gambrach.

Mefilius had pledged total fealty to Gambrach’s vision and had made the Bidenistani coin unavailable for paddy grain merchants. When Gambrach sealed the borders, Mefilius sealed even more tightly the vaults of Iron Bank of Boo Jar, save for disbursement to the Borrowers of Anchorage. The Borrowers of Anchorage were select farmers to whom the Iron Bank of Boo Jar loaned money, under the implicit understanding that repayment or collection were discretionary. It was a glorious hemorrhaging of the kingdom’s coin.

But there was paddy grain in Car-Knoe, as Bashally the Spinning Quill of Gambrach had once declared. And there was paddy grain in several other locations across the Kingdom.

“How much paddy grain exactly do we have in the Kingdom?” Gambrach asked Mefilius. Staphie, the Councillor for Farming wanted to answer, but Mefilius shut him up with a stern glance.

“Glorious King,” Mefilius began, “an achievement as this deserves not just to be counted on the royal abacus, but gathered from all ends of the kingdom that all in the galaxy may see your horticultural wisdom. Behold, despite our penury, I have, sparing no expense, assembled all the paddy grain in the kingdom and stacked them high! High, your Majesty!! Higher than any eye can see!!”

Gambrach came to the ground where the paddy grain was stacked and was overcome with emotion. “You are Mefilius! Mefilius the great; and on this pyramid I shall build my retirement crutch!”

The people saw the stacked paddy grain and grumbled at how much it cost despite its Mefilian stacking.

However, nothing prepared them for their team’s loss in the KickIt to the Carthagians of the North. Yea, when it became known to them that Gambrach had spoken with the Jirrian team ahead of the KickIt bout, and infused them with his unwinning demeanour, the people lost it. And there was no gaddem chill in the land.