The Votenariat Cornpromise

Thus it was that the appointed day for Electoralis Federalis drew imminently nigh. All over the plains of Social Mediana, Jirrians in the Diasporean Realms announced their arrivals to partake of Electoralis, mostly to give their votes to Obi Wan Pitobi. Apicureans and Padipalians mocked them still, but the Jedi were resolute. “Even if Pitobi trumpeth not Shiwajun nor Arty Cool, yet shall we cast our lot with him!”

“Then ye shall learn the lessons of the structure of the real force!” the Padipalians and Apicureans responded.

All over Jirria, the people were hopeful that Electoralis would be peaceful and transparent. King Gambrach had deployed several Men of Gunn to the various kingdoms, to assist the Constabulary in keeping the peace. In addition, there was the deployment of glorious new gadgetry to look forward to. Ser Yaki Hair Mood, Warden of the Independent Votenariat, had collected THREE HUNDRED BILLION Jirrian shekels from the King’s treasury and had purchased ultramodern Bamboozling Vote Amplification or Suppression devices, to make sure the process was free and fair.

In Kogitaria, King JarJar Bellows of House Apicurea was also keen for a free and fair poll. Thus it was that when word came to him of a Padipalian stronghold in his domain, he knew it would be unfair to himself as King to allow its champion, Lady Tash, join the NAssholes in Boo Jar. “Let us level the playing field,” he said to his council. Taking him literally, one of his counsellors led the King’s demolishionery to the Padipalian domain and excavated all roads by which ingress could be made, all 5 of them. “Job done, playing field levelled!” they congratulated themselves.

The people saw it, and unchill began to rumble in the land.

“But without roads, the Votenariat cannot record the castings for Electoralis,” they protested.

“True,” replied JarJar, “is it not better to contemplate their lot in isolated safety than bring Electoralian tragedies upon themselves?” Yea, the people believed it not, and beat about a hurried reconstruction.

And in that day, all the Apicureans gathered to stand even harder on Shiwajun’s man-bits.One of them was a young man named Happy Zion. He had been selected as the Head of the Juvenile Wing of Apicurean Cornscripts, over another young man, Victorious Dread, despite calls from the latter’s supporters to stand on his own man-bits and reject the imposition. It loo-leh’d however, and Happy Zion took it upon himself to marshall the field of the Juvenile Wing to ensure Shiwajun’s victory at Electoralis. “Ye shalt behold my glorious structure and ye shalt learn lessons,” he would routinely declare.

It finally came, the long-awaited day, and Jirrians trooped out to participate in Electoralis – many without performing their morning bodily or dental ablutions. For what was a little whiff of BOMO compared with the whiff of a new dawn? Lady Tawla Martinez of the Grammaticus Ministeriat had warned all and sundry of the past participle of the verb ‘cast’, so they were truly ready for a glorious day of civic exertations. All eyes were on the Independent Votenariat to deliver on its pledge and mandate of freedom of choice, fairness of processes and transparency of collation.

Unchill began to rumble in the land however, when the Pulling Officers (so known, for they pulled the ballot-storing cauldron around by cart) of the Votenariat failed to arrive at many casting centres. They waited and waited and waited and waited, in some places in vain, for the Pulling Officers never arrived. At other casting centres, the Pulling Officers arrived late and without the required number of the ultramodern Bamboozling Vote Amplification or Suppression devices, resulting in swathes of Jirrians being unable to be accredited (another Electoralisian trip-up word, in the same bucket as cast) to partake of Electoralis.

Lo, the unchill continued to rumble. However, the people attempted to put this aside and as many as were able to cast their votes. And as the voting ended and the tallying was conducted, Jirrians ran to Social Mediana with textual and graphical news of the results. However, as the sun set, further news came to the Jirrians that the telepathic bifrost for the relaying of the final tallies by the Pulling Officers to Yaki Hair Mood in Boo Jar were faulty. And Boo Jar received them not. Wherefore Ser Hair Mood activated the failsafe – “Regulators! Mount up upon your steeds and make your way to me in Boo Jar, that ye may read painstakingly from your tally scrolls as was done several millennia ago.”

In the Kingdom of Rivissinia, several Pulling Officers raised alarm that they had been ordered to convene at a central location without activating the bifrost, and on arrival were greeted by King Fearsome Wee-Kay, lead singer of the Crackpot Five, wielding a master quill. When the Rivissinian tally scrolls arrived in Boo Jar, they had been severely re-inked.

And unchill grew in the land. Not even news that Obi Wan Pitobi had tallied higher than Shiwajun and Arty Cool in Gideria could quell the unchill. Behold, Pitobi tallied higher than Shiwajun even in his ancestral fortress of Oshunlonica. Happy Zion believed not his eyes and quickly took to the streets of Social Mediana to declare, “Apicureans of Gideria, the crown of King Shangolulu the Shiwajunian Whisperer is now at stake. Deceive me no longer with your million cornscript marches! We must secure Gideria, lest our long-held secrets and treasure troves be revealed!”

Behold, the Padipalians were also in great distress. Yea, the spirit of DeoVolenti the Roo-Baby descended upon Dinobetes Mellitus and he charged into the Great Tallying Hall in Boo Jar, to confront Hair Mood, just as DeoVolenti had confronted Warden Jegatrix in quadrannia past. “Ser Yaki, this is an outrage! Thy Pulling Officers announce tallies different from what they recorded at the casting centres, which they failed to relay on the telepathic bifrost for the ultramodern Bamboozling Vote Amplification or Suppression devices. You must remediate this travesty! This is not a game of video, this is not Grand Theft Voto. Defend thine own honour and that of the Independent Votenariat.”

“Ser Dinobetes, let the Pulling Officers complete their Pulling and then, perhaps, we might deal with your observations.”

“NO!!!” screamed Dinobetes, “these are not mere observations. Open the bifrost, let us see and compare and use only those numbers we find therein!” But Ser Yaki Hair Mood unlooked and Dinobetes invoked Waka Comotus, and left the chamber in the company of several other Padipalian stalwarts.

But then, the Jirrians themselves began to peep into the telepathic bifrost to make their own observations and mygheeeeurd it was replete with manisfestations of inaccuracies. For the tally scrolls of Gideria had been mixed up with the tally scrolls of Dunamis, which had been mixed up with the tally scrolls of Zamfarwayland, which had been mixed up with the tally scrolls of Imolek.

The people were incensed. And there was no gaddem chill in all the land. Nay, nary a speck!


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