Month: January 2022

The Oryzatification of Gambrach

/ Scribe of the Tword / 2 Comments

News came to Jirrians that one of their ancient kings has passed. King Nekan of the Single Buttock transited to the great beyond at the age of four score and five. His reign was the shortest of the Jirrian Kings, having been installed by King Gida (a man of Gunn) to forestall the ascension of Ser Kashy Mah-Wo to the Iron Throne of Boo Jar. However, Nekan was usurped by the beastly Bar-Charr of the Golden Apple, after only three months, ushering in an era of great fear and trembling in the land. But that was long ago, these were the days of King Gambrach.

In the kingdom of MyBiaBia, King Pay Azu was in the village square to let the people know how fantastic a king he was, notwithstanding MyBiaBian markets being flooded with sludge. It came to pass that King Pay Azu was asked about the royal bridge that had been under construction for one and half quadrannia. Behold, King Pay Azu was incensed.

“This question vexes the King!” he declared. “No one made any intercession for this bridge. Behold, I looked into the goodness of my heart to build it, that chariots and carriages might pass. Yet, every day I am asked about its completion date by pedestrian peasants. Well, let it be known, that whenever I choose to complete the gaddem bridge, it will never be trod upon by hungry chariotless MyBiaBians – it shall only be for myself and the kingdom’s nobles!”

Unchill again began to rumble in the land. But not for long, because it was time once again for the Freekan tournament of Kickit, in the land of Karma-Roon. Karma-Roon shared a long border with Jirria and its KickIt team was a big rival of Jirria’s in the sport. Nothing brought chill to Jirrians like tournaments featuring their KickIt team.

The ensuing chill was the right opportunity for would-be kings to declare their interest to contend for the Throne of Boo Jar in the coming Electoralis. Shiwajun had already declared that he had informed King Gambrach of his intention and was quickly followed by Slokky Kah-Loo, who once reigned with his mother over the people of MyBiaBia and King Mah-Hi of the imaginary kingdom of EbonyiandIvory (for only Ebonyivorians truly knew where the kingdom was). They also performed Informatus Rex and let Gambrach know they wished to succeed him. Moghalus had once again told the people of Jirria in Twillistia that he wanted to be King, as had Mommodeen the Panoramix.

Twas in that day that Mefilius, Warden of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar gathered all from near and far to witness the glorious harvest of paddy grain. Gambrach had decreed that no matter the cost to livelihoods or how expensive it made paddy grain in Jirriah, paddy grain would be grown willy nilly.

“But how wilt the people eat paddy grain if it becomes so expensive?” it was asked, to which Mammus Povertinam, a dedicated Gambrachian had responded, “It is written – man shall not live by paddy grain alone and if any cannot eat paddy grain, let him weevils!” And all the Lovengers decreed that she was right, as they hailed the glorious vision of Gambrach.

Mefilius had pledged total fealty to Gambrach’s vision and had made the Bidenistani coin unavailable for paddy grain merchants. When Gambrach sealed the borders, Mefilius sealed even more tightly the vaults of Iron Bank of Boo Jar, save for disbursement to the Borrowers of Anchorage. The Borrowers of Anchorage were select farmers to whom the Iron Bank of Boo Jar loaned money, under the implicit understanding that repayment or collection were discretionary. It was a glorious hemorrhaging of the kingdom’s coin.

But there was paddy grain in Car-Knoe, as Bashally the Spinning Quill of Gambrach had once declared. And there was paddy grain in several other locations across the Kingdom.

“How much paddy grain exactly do we have in the Kingdom?” Gambrach asked Mefilius. Staphie, the Councillor for Farming wanted to answer, but Mefilius shut him up with a stern glance.

“Glorious King,” Mefilius began, “an achievement as this deserves not just to be counted on the royal abacus, but gathered from all ends of the kingdom that all in the galaxy may see your horticultural wisdom. Behold, despite our penury, I have, sparing no expense, assembled all the paddy grain in the kingdom and stacked them high! High, your Majesty!! Higher than any eye can see!!”

Gambrach came to the ground where the paddy grain was stacked and was overcome with emotion. “You are Mefilius! Mefilius the great; and on this pyramid I shall build my retirement crutch!”

The people saw the stacked paddy grain and grumbled at how much it cost despite its Mefilian stacking.

However, nothing prepared them for their team’s loss in the KickIt to the Carthagians of the North. Yea, when it became known to them that Gambrach had spoken with the Jirrian team ahead of the KickIt bout, and infused them with his unwinning demeanour, the people lost it. And there was no gaddem chill in the land.

The Declaration of Shiwajun

/ Scribe of the Tword / 1 Comment

It was many moons since the Chronicler had given up the quill, having lost hope that he would see any visions of chill in Jirria. And yea, the chronicles remained in a state of Beddingfield – unwritten.

It was during this time that the prefecture of Twillistia was ejected from the Kingdom of Jirria. King Gambrach had delivered a speech of great vigour and upliftment to his countrymen, assuring them that there would once again be chill. He also delivered an unthinly veiled message to the people of South Easteros.

“Ye have troublemakers amongst thee, who sometimes forget, perhaps because of my currently amiable and cheery disposition, that I once was a man of Gunn. I fought in the Frabanian wars in which ye were scourged. And there be no chill among thee, behold, I will speak to thee again in a language which ye understandeth!”

The people heard it and there was no gaddem chill in the land. “Knoweth Gambrach not what he threatens?” Wherefore they cried unto Samurai Jack, the King of Twilistia, saying, “Spare us the indignity of Gambrach’s words! Strike them down from the Twilistian annals!! Let them be expunged forever, for his words threaten our mental health and trigger within us much unchill!!”

Sumari Jack hearkened unto their cries and the twinkling of an eye, Gambrach’s words were raptured away from Twillistia in glorious deletus. Whereafter, all the Councillors of Gambrach were incensed, particularly Lar Yi, his Councillor for Misdirection and Propaganda. “Who doth Samurai Jack consider himself to be, that he brings vanishment upon the most hallowed and sacred words of King Gambrach? If he be King of Twillistia, well Gambrach is King of Jirria! And if he wouldest banish Gambrach from Twillistia, then we will purge Jirria of Samurai Jack and the gaddem Twillistines!!!”

The Gambrachian Mumuric Organisation was taken aback, for where else would they be relevant if the prefecture of Twillistia was banished. “Temper this injustice with mercy,” they pleaded. “I shall only temper it with more temper!!” came the charged reply.

And thus followed a time of peace such as had never been seen in Twillistia, for the Gambrachian Mumurics were silenced and others flitted in and out of Twillistia by means of the Valar Propoundis Networks.

In the castle of Bored Dyllon, an aide of Shiwajun asked him, “Is it time, my lord?”, to which he answered, “When it is time, ye shall not be in doubt.”

Shortly afterwards, King Gambrach went on the Char Knells to give an account of his Kingship to the people, through questions from Thankful Peacock and Ma Oprie. “Great King Gambrach, how art thou today?”, they asked him.

“Thank you so much, I am in an agricultural state of health. I’m thankful to the creator for his seedlings of life in the flower bed of my heart. Daily I fertilise my mind with the divine bovine milk of serendipity.”

“Your Majesty, you know that there is much unchill in the land and your centurions labour to defeat the haramites of Boko. When will these travails end?”

“They will end when there is a bountiful harvest of food. Remember when I ordered all the land borders closed and forced us to grow rice? Unfortunately, it is the abundance of this rice that keeps the enemy troops fed. But we are getting close.”

“How about the roaming cattle of the Yetis of Gawd and the village communities being destroyed?”

“We need to make more arable land available for our young people to farm.”

“But this is an era of blocked chains and worldwide webs…”

“Webs, I don’t mind so much, because they are a tool of harvest. But any chain that cannot be put in the soil and watered and harvested cannot be a building block of any sort.”

Ma Oprie was stunned into silence. Thankful Peacock thought he would try one last time. “Wise King, would thou in thine own estimation ascribe success to your Kingship? I only ask because food is much more expensive, conflicts are much more rife, regional travel is much less secure.”

Gambrach answered, “I am grateful that each leg of your question was the word ‘much’ in it because we have done so much, truly. And the icing will be when we give people more seeds and hoes and scythes to till the land. And then I shall retire to my farm.”

“Dear Lord! Very well then, Majesty, who wilt thou have succeed ye on the throne, Old Macdonald? He has a farm and all.”

“Ha ha! I see what you did there,” chuckled Gambrach, “but I shall keep my preferred successor hidden like a tuber of yam, like a husbandried cow, revealing its calf only on the day of delivery.”

The people of Jirria heard it all, and there was no gaddem chill in the land. And in the midst of the furore, the courtiers in Castle Bored Dyllon asked Shiwajun, “Great Earl of Iragbijishire, IS IT TIME?”

Wherefore Shiwajun came unto the people of Jirria and declared, “Behold, I have informed Gambrach that it is my wish to succeed him, yea, it is my lifelong ambition to ascend the Iron Throne of Boo Jar. Verily, ye shall see and hear more of me in the coming months. Electoralis is again at hand!”

And in all of Jirria was there no gaddem chill to be found.