President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe turned 90 on the 21st of February. In the run-up to the big day, the ice-creaming loving liberator informed the world that he had no plans to retire. He will live forever, this man.
To Robert, now nonagenarian
That plucky life-presidentarian
Who plans to sit tight
In official might
We extend a felicitation
Old Robert of modern Rhodesia
By now should be wracked with amnesia
Instead his design
Is not to resign
We might have to try euthanasia
The huge swing in the limericks of Lamido is quite jarring. In the space of only a few weeks, we went from chronicling his “disagreements” with the NNPC to being shocked at and debating the legality of his suspension by the President. Not only did the President appoint an acting Governor, a substantive replacement was also named on the same day. Badass, mister president!
There once was a head central banker
Whose disgust could not be made franker
His figures of oil
Made us all recoil
NNPC think he’s a w**ker
S.Lam of the squeezy transmission
Found bulky misappropriation
But Minister Dez
(From all that she sez)
Believes it’s misrepresentation.
Godwin’s come into some good luck
Hope he won’t be mere sitting duck
He’s taken the place
Of ex-squeezing ace
Who frankly does not give a f-
A farewell to precious ol’ Lam
For daring to finger ‘la DAM’
His cart was upended
For he was suspended
Thus clearing the tetchy logjam
The personal assistant to the son of the governor of Abia State died at the gun of his boss’s police orderly. It is being reported that the First Son gave the kill order. Naturally, however, the Police authorities are saying one of their guns was naughty again and accidentally discharged. They need to be castrated, these easily excitable guns.
This tragic PA situation
Has roundly met our condemnation
But powers that be
Explain, ’twas you see
There once was a First Son’s P.A.
They say he was shot dead today
They say at his word
A gunshot was heard
The orderly earning his pay
In Sports, Jose called Arsene a “specialist in failure”, the NFF finds itself in the peculiar position of advocating for a foreign assistant to their winningest coach in decades, Fulham sacked Rene Meulensteen, David Moyes, continues to break records, having his team set one for the most crosses in a premier league match – 81.
There once was mouthy mentalist
Called Arsene a failure specialist
That haughty retort
Is sorely abhorred
By every football tribalist
You must not ‘ave ‘eard zem, Renee
Zat’s why zey ‘ave sacked you today
Said it only once
But your Resistance
Did not raise zeir standard of play
Since Alex chose David on bias
Each challenge’s been the Himalayas
Each foe David’s seen
Has busted his spleen
Has been the proverbial Goliath
The tactic today is to cross
Tis what they’ve been told by the boss
They haven’t yet scored
Their fans’ ox is gored
Let’s hope won’t be another loss.
A farewell by ManU to Vidic
Ain’t Popeye, no rescue from spinach
He used to be great
Been dodgy of late
And now he is off to play Quidditch!
In spite of their worst machination
Keshi has been a revelation
Yet powers that be
Insist on foreign “assistation”.
The Villa did a fair amount of personnel shuffling since our last update. After its stoic silence on the numerous allegations against erstwhile Minister of Aviation, Stella Oduah, the Presidency did a Jack Reacher and got rid of 5 ministers, including Ms Oduah. Just before she was relieved of her office though, it was rumoured, then quickly denied that she’d ordered the State Secret Service to keep its staff away from her international airports.
The needful now done somewhat late
Will agencies investigate
Or will this her boot
Be mere parachute
No info, so we speculate
L.Maku says they were not sacked
That in fact, the President’s backed
Their wish to engage
And give their home states what they’ve lacked
Ah Stella, the Actress of God
From Ministrial BeeM-ers now shod
A tardy farewell
Though we know too well
Not really, for she’s Johnnie’s blood
Ms Stella’s again in the news
Bizarre, but they say she’s refused
To permit access
By the SSS
To airports, and they’ve blown a fuse
Mallam Nasir El-Rufai was arrested by the SSS and asked to clarify his “there will be blood” remarks about next year’s elections. Vigilant social commentators quickly pointed out that some persons of the same ethnic group as the President had made similar remarks and had been rewarded by the State with a Presidential commando rescue from Benin Republic. They say the government does not give a damn about social media but Mujahid Asari Dokubo, would-be liberator of the Niger-Delta, was arrested shortly afterwards.
To balance the Mallam equation
DSS, in rectification
Has deigned to invite
The Lord of All Emancipation
It emerged that some monarch in Nnewi, in a fit of ironic buffoonery, given that his first name is Wisdom, issued the most misogynistic of fatwahs.
Nnewi’s again in the news
King Wisdom in foolish abuse
Decrees & requires
That women’s attires
Be skirts scarfs or else be taboos
It’s a failing he admitted to in his autobiography but we believed him to have come fully clean in My Story. Well, a previously obscure (in the international sense) daily paper in Ireland broke the story of a purported affair between President Bill Clinton and Elizabeth Hurley, while he was president. The source of the story, Ms Hurley’s boyfriend at the time, now admits he made it all up. Between story breaking and denial being published, however, we did the limerick below.
In Blighty, a rumour’s emerged
About ol’Bill’s legendary urge
Tripp, Winsky, now Hurley
Yes, human, but surely
His rep must be nigh on its verge
Governor Aregbesola of Osun state is a peculiar one. After merging state schools in a curious turn of educational policy, pupils arrived wearing the garb of their religions – Christians in choir robes, Muslims in veils and burkahs, and traditionalists bearing charms and armulets.
In Osun right now there’s confusion
In secondary school institution
Rauf did a mix
And now he must fix
The Mus-Christ-Trado revolution
Say a prayer for Borno.
Maiduguri skies growing darker
As one rampage follows another
The soil’s all soaked
Our throats are all choked
By this tragic #BornoMassacre