The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: Legislatum Encaptivo

kirill-sharkovski-6uEFdigF950-unsplash.jpg

Nothing is as constant in the Kingdom of Jirria as the realignment of stars in political and stratospheric firmaments in the months before electoralis. Indeed, it was known unto the seafarers of the global world that Jirrian waters were to be avoided in those months, as relying on what they thought to be True North, which in fact had been True North only a few months before, had run many sailors aground.

In the realignment prior to the electoralis that heralded the second quadrannium of King Gambrach, Abushola, the erstwhile Warden of Senatii had defecated with glorious stink from House Apicuria to House Padipalia. Gah Rah, the Warden of Lower Senatii had also thus defecated. In fact, the defecations numbered over 60 and included notables like senateen Dinobetes Mellitus of Kogitamia. In a public ceremony, they all emptied their bowels over the Apicurean flag, denounced Gambrach and pledged fealty to Arty Cool (himself a famous defecator in electorales past) of House Padipalia.

It was hardly a surprise that Abushola realigned for electoralis. When Gambrach triumphed over Gejoshaphat and ascended the Iron Throne of Boo Jar, both he (that is, Gambrach) and Shiwajun had candidates they favoured to lead the Nassholes. But Gah Rah and Abushola imbued with the spirits of the gods of kicksport – Meh See, Ko Tcha and Nal Do – dribbled and gazumped them most thoroughly. Lo, in the words of the ancient Jirrian philosopher Bah Heeahbon, it was a scurrilous subterfuge of a scandalous and mendacious kungaga.

Gambrach and Shiwajun did not take it lightly. They promptly deployed the Everly Failing at Convictions Council to find Abushola’s wrongdoings and they charged him to Conductivitis, that he might be found guilty and stripped of high office. Shiwajun’s confidence in Conductivitis astounded the people of the land, for even he was a veteran of Conductivitian jousting, where he had escaped unscathed.  Like Shiwajun before him, Abushola also triumphed at Conductivitis; but he paid the ultimate price and was vanquished at electoralis.

When the second quadrannium began, Gambrach, Shiwajun and Shomolek (Headboy of House Apicuria) were keen that there would not be another gaou – for in the words of the ancient travelling troupe Magical Systems, “while the first gaou is excusable, the second gaou means you are a dunce!”

So they summoned the longstanding senateen, Ser Nah Wal, told him to kneel down and baptised him with a gourd of syconfancia. “Arise, O Warden!” Shomolek commanded. But Nah Wal was hesitant.

“You call me Warden, great Headboy, and if you say it then it must be so. But surely you know that Dan Jango, a longstanding Apicurian nasshole as I, also desires the Wardeny.”

“Leave the matter of Dan Jango with me,” said Shiwajun. “I know where he is currently hurting the most. He has a pimple on his forehead that I can pop for him.”

Thus it was that Ser Dan Jango, a notable friend and veritable guy of the bard Icy Duke of the City of Chalk Lit, was summoned into the presence of Shiwajun and Shomolek. There he was informed that Nah Wal and not he had been chosen to lead senatii into the new glorious age of rubberstampia.

Dan Jango was unsettled by the news and protested, saying, “But my lords, I beg thee to reconsider. I am as qualified as Nah Wal to lead senatii in perfunctoriness and I can wield the scepter of rubberstampia more fancifully than any in the land. My entire existence in senatii has been iconic rubberstampism!!!”

“Aye, we know this but remember that Abushola dribbled all of us in the past quadrannium, when it was first promised to Nah Wal. If you do Apicuria this favour, we shall summon Mar Goo the Unconfirmed and cause the Everly Failing at Convictions Council to fail once again on your account” answered Shiwajun.

“Ye wouldst do this for me?” asked Dan Jango in disbelief.

“A small price of 5 billion shekels forgotten between friends – good deal would you not say? Now say yes quickly, so I can return home to my baby girl” said Shomolek. And thus was it settled. Nah Wal was formally elected by his peers as Warden.

With the junior senateens, the favoured was also another longstanding nasshole named  Jaja-Beer Miller. Jaja-Beer was a very loyal Apicurean from Ekonnos who eschewed all forms of comingling with Padipalians. He indulged in comingling of another sort but lo, that story is for a different chapter of the chronicles. The detractors tried to raise the banner of his professional misdemeanours in the land of Trumpetistan against him, but the Apicurean broom of Gambrach that maketh the iniquitous white and blocketh out all cries of protesting hate and sorrow availed much for him. Thus, did Jaja-Beer Miller become Junior Warden of the Nassholes.

With the principalities and powers of the Nassholes in place, King Gambrach was ready to wrestle the flesh and blood that made up the citizenry of the Kingdom with the nomination of the members of his council. According to the law of the land, Gambrach was required to appoint a councilor from each of the 36 Kingdoms, to serve him in Fecundia and preside over the mismanagement of the administratories of the kingdom – plebeian education, highway smoothening, image laundry, plundering the petrolatum that fueled the wealth of the kingdom, ensuring the infirmaries remained unfit to care for the ruling elite and the constabulary unfit to patrol a chicken coop – each one a task of herculean proportions.

In his first quadrannium, Gambrach did not name his councilors until Trentus Septembus and when he did, it was filled with such administrative luminaries as King Monoraillus Incompletus of Rivissinia – the Councillor for Travel, leading astrologer and philosopher Bull Shittu the Councillor for Telepathic and Futuristic Communication, Ah-Woodoo the Councillor for Local Rice and Hatred of Imported Food, Bongo Naya the Councillor for Writing Materials, King Flasholas of Ekonnos who served as Councillor for Semi-Illumination, King Gigex of Kee-Jah the Councilor for Slavery, and so many more.

When the list of nominees for councilorship in the second quadrannium passed from Caballee and Caballum – the Deux Cabales – to Shomolek and Shiwajun, Shomolek was so overwhelmed, he unclasped his girdle.

“Wow! This list is dynamite, Shiwajun. It is even more glorious than the previous quadrannium. Will this prospect of overachievement not deter senatii from approving them?” he asked.

Shiwajun answered, “Fear not, Ser Shomolek. This second quadrannium of Gambrach is the age of legislatum encaptivo.”

Thus was the list of councillors-in-waiting broadcast to the Social Medianites, the Papyrus Medianites and yea, unto the Digital Perusites. All across Jirriah, the people beheld it. And there was no gaddem chill, nary an atom of it, in all the land.

 

 

Advertisements

The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: In the Beginning

Image result for in the beginning

Once upon a time, in the ancient lands of Freeka Westte, there was a kingdom called Jirriah. Jirriah was stitched together at the seams of the rivers that split the kingdom into three with the mystical threads of Loogardine by a spooky one-eyed seamstress known as Flaw-Ra. The warlock who brought her the Loogardine threads asked her where she had learned to stitch multiple different fabrics together so deftly. “It was from the Empire School of Georgian Haute Couture”, she replied. And thus was the kingdom of Jirriah established.

 

These are the Chronicles of Jirriah, these Chronicles of Chill. They are the tales of the kingdom’s unending quest for Chill, because from the time of King Fearson to the time of King Bar Lay-Wah, to the first digital king of the kingdom (King eRunn-Si), to King Jack the Young Sparrow, to King Murd Tallah, to the first coming of King Shegolas of Owurutas, to King Shag Gar, to the first coming of King Gambrach the Austere, to King Gi Dah the Truncator, to King Nekan of the Single Buttock, to King Bar Char the Appletiser, to King Abdo Chorizo the Reformer, to the second coming of King Shegolas, to King Yaraz the Infirm, King Gejoshaphat the Lucky, right until the second coming of King Gambrach, the kingdom suffered severe unchill.

 

Behold, it was a multifaceted unchill, ranging from the decoupling from the Empire of George and Lizzy, to the 3-year battle of Frabiana, to the disappearance of the leguminous pyramids, to the rampaging of the Yetis of Gawd and the Haramites of Boko, there was no chill in the land. But the people yearned desperately for chill.

 

These chapters of the chronicles begin in the time of the second coming of King Gambrach, yea unto the first and second quadranniums of his reign. But to understand the reign of Gambrach, it is necessary to learn a little bit more about the Kingdom of Jirria. For, you see, Jirria comprised 36 kingdoms – or 37, if you counted the High Kingdom of Boo Jar wherefrom Gambrach reigned, occasionally in council with the 36 kings. The council of Gambrach and the 36 was known as Fecundia and it was in Fecundia that all the most important decisions of the greatest gravity in the Kingdom were taken – which carriageways and puddles to repair, which pseudo ironmonger would supply the kings’ winged chariots, which courtesans to bestow the favour of the King upon and other such grand matters. It was not known if or where the higher matters of State were discussed.

 

Fecundia was rich with the aroma of the Boo Jarian beverage, sycofancia. Sycofancia was brewed from barley, oats and the sweat and spittle of whoever was seated on the Iron Throne of Boo Jar. It was served in large measure at the meetings of Fecundia and caused the kings and councillors in attendance to burst into fits of inexplicable laughter whenever the King – in this tale, Gambrach – uttered any sentence longer than 7 words. Yea, did the people of Jirria always behold their leaders emerging from Fecundia in fits of intense cachinnation.

 

King Gambrach’s closest visible adviser was his Hand, Osinoshin, a lettered man of the laws and highly favoured of Shiwajun. Shiwajun was one of the most venerated kingmakers in Jirria and it was with his help that Gambrach had ended the reign of King Gejoshaphat in a manner hitherto unseen in Jirriah. Shiwajun himself had reigned in the kingdom of Ekonnos for two quadrannia and before that had sat amongst the senatii during the Age of Truncation under King Gi Dah.

 

The other advisers of Gambrach were his chief scribe  Gar Bar, his sub-scribe FemCallamitus the Griot, his Counsellor for Subjects Who Had Seen the Light and Fled the Kingdom – Lady Bee Ree; and Moborius, his Chief Engravist. Sometimes, Gambrach was also publicly advised, to his chagrin, by his wife, Lady Yeeshah of the province of Za Oza Rheumm. Lady Yeeshah was particularly, principally and properly perplexed by the pestilence of the Deux Cabales, two mysterious persons of unknown and mysterious identities who she insisted daily pulled the strings of King Gambrach the Pinocchio, her husband. King Gambrach was also advised by Ser Bakky Arii, his head honcho, and his main man, Ser MyMann Dee.

 

Over the coin and treasures of the Kingdom, stored in the Iron Bank of Boo Jar, Gambrach had appointed Mefilius bin-Exporta as Warden. Mefilius was famous for his independent thinking and dispensation, which was next only to the cast iron tether with which the chambers of his medulla were joined to the war rooms of Bedrock, the castle from which Gambrach reigned.

 

As for the 36 kingdoms, they included the realms of Ekitilopia of King Jekfa, Imossopotamia of King Roe Chazz the Statuesque, Rivissinia of King Wee Kay, Ben Way of King Autumn, Dunamis of King El-Farquaad, Ko Tow of King Tambourine, Oyokolova of Ajimovich the Constituted and many many more. 

 

Now you know them and now you will read [again] their chronicles. For in all of the kingdoms of Jirriah, yea unto the ends of the 37 kingdoms, there was nary a speculum of chill to be found! Behold, there was no gaddem chill in the land!

 

The Chronicles of Chill: In the end, Oparithicus!

The End text

Thus it was that in the fourth year of what came to be known as the first quadrannium of Gambrach, that the Necomongers declared electoralis open, that the people of the 37 kingdoms mightest cast their ballots for the ruler of the Iron Throne of Boo Jar and the Nassholes of legislatum.

But that is not the point at which this twevelation begins. For on the eve of electoralis, the gates of the Shiwajunian Palace on Bob Dylan avenue swung wide to let in, past the teeming throng waiting for the beneficence of Shiwajun, two mega chariots – the sort of which cometh only from the Iron Bank of Boo Jar.

Yea was it broadcast to all on Social Mediana and there was no gaddem chill. For only weeks before, Shiwajun had been overheard assuring his acolytes that he was ready to push their ignition buttons with his vast and magnificently unexplainable wealth.

“Behold,” he said unto the them, “in Oshunlonica, they accused the Shiwajun of bragging like an old fart that he was richer than the entire kingdom of Oshunlonica! Imagine that, if you will, when all I said was, nuccuhs please, how much in cummulative superlatives is thine entire wealth that I would pilfer it? What is there to pillage in all of Oshunlonica, especially with a king as useless as Ogbenyssius who createth no transactions, fictitious or legitimate? Wherefore I say unto thee as thy Shiwajun, that I am at the wajun of activation. Go ye forth therefore unto the ends of the 37 kingdoms – and if ye deliver the kingdoms unto Gambrach, I will activate you so hard, Globercum would acquire thee.”

And when he said it, yea was there no gaddem chill in the land. But if the people felt unchilled at that outburst, they had no gaddem idea what was coming. For when he was asked about the coinage carriages , he retorted, “And so gaddem what? Are the chariots and carriages that enter my gates with thanksgiving and my courts with praise thy mother’s frocking business? Was it ye who hired my sentries for me? If I have mysterious coinage carriages come unto me most likely bearing electoralis-influencing coin or adding even more unto my vast, mysterious and unexplainable wealth, how is it thy gaddem mother’s frocking business? You are my beyotches and King Kong ain’t got shit on me! Oh and P.S., Sage AreWoeLawWar is the greatest.”

Behold, there was no gaddem chill in the land.

Thus did the people of the kingdoms venture out, as they did at the end of the reign of Gejoshaphat. In Twilistia, the outcry was against another quadrannium of Gambrach but the peoples of Kardashiana – the kingdoms of Dunamis, Seennar and Kar-Know – were known for their steadfastness for Gambrach and twas well expected that they wouldest again save the day.

What the people did not expect was the gambit which was to become known as the “Pressing of the Georgeynho”. The Pressing of the Georgeynho was a mystical configuration, known only to Manchurian Apricurians. It involved the unleashing of centurions, legionnaires and bandits to physically and metaphorically press the ballots. The Pressing of the Georgeynho kept some in their homes, dispersed others from the electoralis centres and – here’s the mystical part – sank some numbers and floated others.

Gambrach was so afeared of the Pressing of the Georgeynho reaching Lady Yeeshah that he cast a confirmatory look at her papyrus of electoralis before she cast it in the box.

Finally the Necomongers gathered all into the great hall of electoralis, that the ruler of the 37 Kingdoms for the coming quadrannium might be declared. Yea, were all assembled there from all across the kingdoms, and from Social Mediana and Twillistia. The Lovengers were there, as were the Padipalian nobles, like Dom Rewajius and Rain o’Mockery. And lo, was there a violently prodigious tagging of hashes, in anticipation of victory and defeat.

Yea, was the announcement the longest gaddem thing ever, because the Necomongers were not men of science, tallying with stones and marbles, instead of the great and glorious abacus of blocked chains.

The people heard first of Nassholes. Abushola, warden of senatii, would not return for he had been trumped in most Wahala Morghulisan fashion, and manic laughter was heard all the way from the Palace of Shiwajun. “You see?” said Shiwajun to Gambrach, “in the end, Wahala Morghulis.”

Jimobite of Oyossopotamia had also been trumped, as he sought to transmute from King to senateen. Don Parbio of Ibomitopia, who had defecated from Padipalia to Apicuria during the rash of the defecation of the Nassholes, would also not return to the chamber. But Dinobetes Mellitus, of the jekunimous iyanensis, had triumphed. And there was not a gaddem chill anywhere.

It was evident to all, before long, that Gambrach had trumped Arty Cool; that Caballee and Caballum had bested the Padipalians; that whatever had happened in the past quadrannium was a foretaste of the glorious age that was to come.

Wherefore, Gambrach was heard singing the ballad of his fellow man of Gunn, Ser Levi Embeats,

I am the (a), incred (a), incred (a)
Incredible General
Sensei ay shanall wah dem call me
Incred (a), incred (a), incredible Gene–
Select, selec-lect–

And Lady Kem Shun hollered back from Jandinia, “dat is a wicked, real, rudebwoi, bad man ting, ya nuh. King Gambrach fi me gimme me say two time!!!” Lo, in all the land was there no gaddem chill.

And then it all went dark and the vision was ended. And the Tword said unto the chronicler, “Once thou completeth the transcription of this chronicle, jettison the quill and the scroll, for thy work is done.”

“But why has thou shown me these mysteries, great Tword? What was the point?”

“The point, dear scribe, is as the bards Linkage Parkings wrote- ‘…in the end, it mattereth not’,  or as Shiwajun would say, “In the end, Oparithicus.”

 

 

 

There shall be a bound volume of the chronicles. Tarry awhile.

 

Chronicles of Chill: The Yar Curbian Delayment and the Neduskian Detainment

Jailed.png

The Chronicles have been revealed unto man that he mayest learn from the passage of time, for time like an ever rolling circular stream bears all its sons to repeat themselves. Thus, as electoralis was deferred at the beginning and end of Gejoshaphat’s quadrannium, was it also deferred as Gambrach and Arty Cool contended for the Iron Throne of Boo Jar.

Yea, was there great unchill, even from the Lovengers, who surely would have proclaimed it the greatest deferment in the history  of postponements under normal circumstances.

Wherefor Shomolek, Head of House Apicuria, remonstrated strongly with Ser Yar Curb, who had succeeded Jegatrix the Man of Chill, as head of the Necomongers, umpires of electoralis across the 37 kingdoms.

“What the gaddem heck dost thou believe thyself to be doing? Yea, even as Lateefus Kayodexicus demandeth, ‘what kind of job you doing’? Now I am forced to be away from the castle next week, when I had plans to be with my sweet baby girl. Let me ask ye, Ser Yar Curb, if it were thee, wouldst thou not prefer to be with my sweet baby girl than standing out in the sun? Lo, I am violently pissed off against thee!”

But Yar Curb invoked the spirit of Jegatrix and maintained his composure and answered Shomolek not. “People of the 37 Kingdoms, the Necomongers have suffered great sabotage and violent attacks, laying waste to our best laid plans. But fear ye not, I have conceived an ultramodern grand masterplan to right it all within seven days. Yea, like the ancient Greek prophet Craigus Davidus foresaw in his most famous tome ‘One Week’, I too shall go back to work on Monday, send out 40 ravens on Tuesday, sort out voting parchments by Wednesday and on Thursday and Friday, vote Saturday, chill on Sunday, Selah.”

Lo, the unchill was yet severe, for many had voyaged long distances to participate in electoralis, for the Necomongers were not possessed of sufficient sophistication to re-enlist the citizens whenever they relocated. Many had carefully arranged weddings and funerals to avoid the unchill of electoralis and now, even they were foiled. For the Kingdom was not possessed of sufficient sophistication for the citizens to vote in normalcy. And yea, it was in that day that the spirit of Exitus Canadius descended again most mightily amongst the people, tempting them with dreams of icicles and frosted breath.

Behold, as unchill swirled, was a cry heard from the Kingdom of Dunamis, where Lord El-Farquaad reigned. It was a cry from none other than Lord El-Farquaad himself. “Agony! Wailing! Gnashing of teeth! We stand in the cold blood of our three score and half dozen Fulannister brothers who have been murdered in Jurkan! Tis a tragedy!”

And yea, the unchill in the kingdom waxed stronger.

Lord El-Farquaad continued, “Now, I know that I have previously warned Tywinnically and Tyrionically that the life of a Fulannister is a loan and Fulannisters will always collect their debt. However, I beg of my Fulannister brethren this time to write it off as a non-performing loan. No need to collect, please dear.”

But Ser Din Kallus, a man of expertise in the law and Warden of the Kingdom’s Civicus Council had sent ravens to Jurkan to verify the Farquaadian claims and none of the Jurkanian meisters could verify the deaths. Wherefor he came unto the people, and the Social Medianites and the Twillistines to enquire, “Doth Lord El-Farquaad seek to foment and be starting something? Yea, have I spoken to the people of Jurkan and nary a person seeeth what the king claimeth.”

And yea did the unchill in the kingdom wax stronger.

Thus it was that the Twillistines beheld another unsettlement from Startuppitytomia, in the Technophilia region of Social Mediana. Technophilia was a gated community, where a group of people known as the Flounders had assembled to save the 37 kingdoms by means of the ancient art of technosis. The Flounders acquired wealth by wrestling angels from the realms of glory, as the biblical Jacob did, to bequeath them investment wealth seeds.

One such flounder named Neduski Marikov, who had joined Technophilia from faraway Wasrav, had cried out to the Social Medianites of his expulsion from Startuppitytomia by his heavenly investor.

“Behold, I departed from my princely estates in Wasrav to fix the image of thy kingdoms and I wrestled with my angel and he blessed me. And lo, I built things beyond anyone’s imagination using my special mastery of technosis. But because of my flowing hair, fair skin and alien accent, my angel and his posse flagged me on the Galactopol wanted register and I was locked up (they didn’t let me out) locked up (they didn’t let me out) locked up, wooooooooooooh! But now I’m out, I shall write it all in a tome and use the money to build an outreach centre known as the Neduski Marikov Centre for Kids Who Don’t Technosis Too Good.”

And there was no chill in Startuppitytomia as other Flounders and their builders rebutted the Marikovian account. Stannis Boyejius of Mandela and Utterbrave was the first to respond, saying “Tis a shame thou wert locked up (they didn’t let you out). Tis also a shame how thou frolicked away thine angel’s wealth, my guy!”

Yea, did Woyicus of the Righting Racks also refute with great gusto. “Dude, thou didst thy technosis with dualisation which ye didst not reveal to the angels and the heavenly host. Thy Galactopol penitentiarisation be on thy head!!!”

And all across the land, in Boo Jar, in Social Mediana, in Twillistia, in all the 37 kingdoms and yea, even in Startuppitytomia, there was no gaddem chill!!!

 

Chronicles of Chill: King Ambsalom’s Personal Crisis

Ambsalom2.png

 

There was no gaddem chill in all of the land. Across the kingdoms, the senateens, junior senateens and kings jostled and positioned in readiness for electoralis.

At the Magistracy, an emergency meeting of the High Primussy Council was called to ponder the matter of Nono Gengen’s ouster by Gambrach, the sort of thing unseen since the days of the Men of Gunn.

“Branko, why givest thou thyself to Gambrach to appoint in breach of our customs. Knowest thou not, that thou disseth Nono Gengen and bring opprobrium unto the Primussy?”

“Brothers in Magistrasis,” said Branko, “hate ye the player when tis the game ye ought to hate?”

“Oh really?” replied the High Primussy Council. “Verily, verily, we say unto thee, we are in receipt of a petition against thee from the quill of Kogba Lisa, of the iuris and we hereby give thee seven days to respond. Now depart from us!”

Nono Gengen heaved a sigh of relief. “Brothers, I knew ye wouldest save me from…”

“Slow your roll, ol’boy!” they cautioned. “Behold, thou art also given seven days to respond to the petition raised against thee! Now ye also begone!”

Lo, even as the High Primussy Council moved to restore the sanctity of the Magistracy, ravens were sent from the emissaries of Trumpstantinople, Jandinia and The Yuros to Gambrach saying, “Dude, thou thinkest thyself to be slick, messing with the Magistracy on the eve of Electoralis. Behold, as the ancient saying of the 37 kingdoms goes, ‘dat kain ting get as e be, bruh!’ Desist from this unchill, with true integrity, lest we be forced to demonstrate true integrity to thee.”

Caballee and Caballum were incensed and said to Gar Bar, “Go unto the emissaries and tell them that they need to respeck our authoritahhh!”

Yea did Gar Bar go unto Social Mediana, declaring unto the foreign emissaries, “We fear ye not. I declare unto thee, as did Chemical Allee of Messopotamia, that we have armies and we have the nuclear weapon of King Gambrach’s powerful charm. Ye willst not know what hitteth thee, whah lar hee!”

Wherefore the Trumpetistanis and the Yourozees said unto the Jandinians, “Activate the Gambrachian hocus pocus remote controlcus that ye implanted in him during his convalescence in thy territory.” Yea, was it activated by the Janidinians and thus did Gambrach begin to meskafumble, even worse than when the affliction of WhyWereWhereWeWhahWhereWeWe came upon Osinoshin.

Behold, Gambrach recogniseth not his Apircurean brothers, nor recalled the offices for which they vied and on occasion announced them as vying for the Iron Throne of Boo Jar. It was a malarkey of confoundium and wrought severe unchill upon the land. But Caballee and Caballum ensured that he pressed on.

And in the Kingdom of Gideria, King-in-waiting Shangolulu unlocked the Ubiquity stone. Giderians saw him on banners in the township, on scrolls in the citadels, lying in wait for them in the latrines, knocking on their eyelids in their sleep, delivering their young at the midwifery, milking their cows on the farms, yea one Giderian swore Shangolulu nearly accompanied him into the other room!

Lo, they saw him, heard him, tasted him, smelt him, felt him all over their skin and even felt him squeezing their medulla oblongatas. Not a sensory organ existed that Shangolulu did not invade virally.

Wherefore the Giderian assembly asked themselves “Of what use is Ambsalom to us in the glorious age of Shangolulu? Canst we not draw early curtains on the quadrannium of Ambasolum and hasten the glorious age of Shangolulu?”

But their Warden cautioned them, “Tis not a journey on which we can embark unless Shiwajun prohibiteth it not. Seek ye first the face of Shiwajun and the rest may be added.”

Lo, did a delegation go unto Shiwajun in his castle.

“Hail, Shiwajun! Fearless leader, first of his name, scion of Iragbijishire, annointer of Shangolulu. We pray for thy blessing to expunge Ambsalom the Forgotten.”

Shiwajun said nought but winked and shook his head.

“Thou sayest we can expunge him?”

Shiwajun winked again, shaking his head and saying, “I say not that I am not saying that thou canst not not expunge Ambsalom the Forgotten, shey’get?”

The assembly men were confused. “Wise Shiwajun, shall we expunge him then?”

Shiwajun winked again and shook his head. “I have said all that needs to be said.”

Yea, did the assembly men rise against Ambsalom, moving to topple him from the throne. The people saw it and there was no gaddem chill.

Then did Shiwajun rise most mightily to proclaim not just to their hearing but all across the land, “Touch not my formerly anointed and do my Forgotten no harm! Ambsalom shall not be expunged.”

The people heard it and there was no gaddem chill.

And then, in the kingdom of the Crescent Lakes, King Ben Yade announced a brand new coinage for the kingdom. “Crescent Lakeians, behold thy new coinage! Tis a coinage even more glorious than my last hallucination. Yea, have I called it ‘The Glorious Coinage of Occultic Manifestations of Voodoo Denseness!!!”

Lo, in all the gaddem land, yea in every gaddem nook and cranny, was nary a gaddem chill left to be seen!

Chronicles of Chill: Debaticus, the ZekWaylian Race & Electoralian Chess

chess pieces on wooden chess board

The time drew nigh when the contenders for the Iron Throne of Boo Jar were scheduled to engage in debaticus. Many people feared, given King Gambrach’s less than favourable outing with Lady Destiny, that Caballee and Caballum would restrain his participation.

The fear seemed well-founded when Sagacious, Gambrach’s counsellor for Kwarapshan and a man formerly well-versed in the laws of the land, came unto the people to declare, “I see no merit in the King engaging in Debaticus with Lady Zekway, Ser Duroximus or Ser Moghallus. They are mere traveling minstrels of highfalutin motivationism. Tis true that Gambrach at his best couldst hardly motivate his own bowels. But still, this is kingship, not clergy.”

And a rumbling of unchill cascaded across the land.

But Lady Zekway, Moghallus and Duroximus, who the people had named Pax Collapsia, following their failed attempt at selecting a sole champion for the non-Apicurian/Padipalian contenders, were undeterred. For, as Duroximus liked to say, “The time has come to free the glum from oppression under the thumb of a king so numb to the humdrum of living in a slum!”

But the rumours persisted that Gambrach would decline to engage in debaticus and would send Osinoshin in his stead.

Arty Cool mounted his winged chariot and departed from Trumpstantinople with extreme rapidity, for he was also to engage with Gambrach and Pax Collapsia in debaticus. He arrived just in time at the Boniface Arena, where he saw the trio, but Gambrachwas nowhere to be found.

The Warden of the Boniface Arena summoned the contenders and told them that Gambrach had done them all amakalically and they would have to proceed without him. Lo, did Abushola, who went every where with Arty Cool, protest most mightily that, with respect to Pax Collapsia, cats and lions were both felines but that didn’t mean they were on the same rung in the food chain.

“Tis true,” agreed Arty Cool. “This is not the cup of FA or of Carabao. Behold, tis El Classico!” With that, he departed the arena. Behold, unchill percolated broadly all over the land.

At conductivitis, where Nono Gengen the Primus Magistratus was to be tried, a lawyerly host descended to wage war against Ghanyamustgo and his principals. The head of conductivitis never hesperredit as one barrage of ratio decidendi and stare decisis followed another.

Caballee and Caballum saw that their plans were in danger of being thwarted and summoned Gambrach to demand that Nono Gengen leave the office of Primus voluntarily,

“Nono Gengen, my Primus Magistratus?” asked Gambrach. “Thou wishest him to leave?”

“Yes! This was why we arranged for Ghanyamustgo to raise the petition against him and expedited his trial.”

“Ghanyamustgo, my squire? He’s involved? Nobody told me. And a trial? Who’s trying Nono Gengen? Since when? What is going on here?”

“Look, King“, sneered Caballum, “just do as we tell you as usual.”

“But if Nono Gengen leaves, we will have no Primus Magistratus. Osinoshin says we must always have a Primus. Filteration of Powers, or something, he calls it.”

The Deux Caballes grew weary and Bashally, one of the Gambrach’s spinning quills, seeing what was required, issued the demand in the name of the Iron Throne. “The Iron Throne demands that you relinquish the Primus Magistracy forthwith!”

Behold, the people heard it and the unchill began to slowly boil over.

And in that moment, news came unto the people that Lady Zekway had withdrawn from contention for the throne. “I run no more,” she declared to all in Social Mediana and Digital Perusia, “for tis my desire to raise a new Pax to contend against the ApicuroPalian Hegemony.”

Duroximus heard of it and declared, “I too wouldst resign if it became the design of the Pax Collapsian line that we build the spine of a new kingly vine and cause the ApicuroPalians to whine.”

But the Electoralian Umpires of the house of Jegatrix rejected the purported withdrawal of Lady Zekway, saying “The date for WITHDRAWAL has long since COME and GONE and tis no longer for any CONTENDER to undeclare. Thou REMAINETH in the RACE, Lady Zekway and we shall not countenance a ZEKWEXIT!”

Yea did the unchill grow worse, especially as the Apricornian House for which Lady Zekway contendeth, discarded her and Stannis Boyejius of Teckiana, one of her advisors, of a duplicity for which neither was known.

Lo, was there worse to come, for King Shegolas and Dan Jumanji, both men of Gunn themselves, sent a warning unto the people, as if received from the Tword its very self, that Gambrach did not intend for Electoralis to be fair or for their will to be upheld.

“The older men of Gunn turn against Gambrach,” said Caballee to Caballum, “and simply are not possessed of sufficient time for conductivitis, or indeed any of the laws of the land, to run its due course.”

“Osinoshin, is there an undue course that we can embark upon to hasten Nono Gengen’s departure, that we may foist a friendlier face upon the Primussy? Thou wert a meister of legalities, like Sagacious, wert thou not?” asked Caballum

“Well,” said Oshinoshin, “if I were neither a holy man nor a man interested in the sanctity of our laws, and I must stress that I am most legally divine, what I might do, though it would be to the chagrin of the entire civilised part of the world, I would simply replace Nono Gengen by fiat. This is against my nature however, and praise be that I wholly holy legit.”

Caballe winked at Bashally, who smiled and departed the chamber post-haste. “King Gambrach, thou hast some fiatting to do,” said Caballee. “I shall do as ye bid me”, submitted Gambrach.

Behold, news came unto Twillistia and the four corners of the kingdom that Gambrach had by unknown royal prerogative ousted Nono Gengen from the Primussy and appointed another in his place.

And there was not a gaddem speck of chill left.

 

The Chronicles of Chill: The Gambrachian Date with Destiny

There remained absolutely no chill in the land. How could there be, with electoralis ever closer at hand? The quills in bedrock grew edgier as they saw in the people an outpouring of emotion like they hadn’t seen since the last quadrannium. Only this time, it was not for Gambrach.

“If Gambrach triumpheth not at electoralis, we shall be forced to return to plebeian society,” they lamented. “How ignominous!”

“Canst Caballee and Caballum, the Deux Cabales, not save us from this imminent doom?”

So they trooped in to Caballum’s chambers and demanded his intervention, as chief string puller in the kingdom.

“Why fear ye?” Caballum asked, “if we lose at electoralis, we will remediate the anomaly at the magistratum.”

“Ah,” responded the quills, “but Nono Gengen is Primus Magistratus and twas not Gambrach that made him so. Dost thou not remember, Ser Caballum?”

Caballum did remember and agreed that the Primus Magistratus would need to be a friendly one. “Then we must remove Nono Gengen before electoralis. Get me Ghanyamust Go. Tell him to come and see me at once!”

Thus it was, that after the meeting of Caballum and Ghanyamust Go, a one-time squire to Gambrach, that a petition was sent to Conductivitis. Lo and behold, the very next day, Conductivitis brought a charge against Nono Gengen with such alacrity as had never been seen in the land. Not even when Macashma Gandy rose speedily to receive his booty.

Yea, was there no chill in the land and lo, did the unchill grow in severity.

“This is unprecedented!” the people cried. “Primus Magistratus? On the eve of electoralis? We see you, bruhhhh!”

But the Lovengers were greatly afflicted with Objectivitis. “Let’s consider this obvious miscarriage of justice objectively though,” they counselled. “If Nono Gengen hath no case to answer, why does it matter that Conductivitis did not bother with a thorough investigation? No one is above the law. Not even the Primus Magistratus.”

“Not even Balavida, of the Kwarapta Intrusivo grass, who has yet to be charged?” the others retorted.

“Look, we are being objective here,” responded the Lovengers. “And objectively, speaking the justice can be selectively applied, so long as tis our hero Gambrach and his stooges that do the selection of the justiced!”

And the unchill did not abate, only growing in swirling intensity.

We need to distract them, decided Caballee. We shall send Gambrach out stumping again, though his battery be not yet fully recharged. 

Thus it was that Gambrach went stumping in Deltonia, where he lost his footing figuratively and unfiguratively. For he slipped as he descended the stairs, momentarily breaking the malady of Syncope upon Dinobetes Mellitus, who saw it from afar in his sick-bed and laughed in derision. But he knew he could not yet afford to convalesce and prayed that Syncope render him infirm again. Syncope obliged.

Yea, the second slippage of Gambrach occurred as he addressed the Deltonian crowd that had gathered to hear him speak. Shomolek handed Gambrach the Apicurean banner to wave in anticipatory triumph. But it was heavy and Gambrach could not brandish it. Wherefore he declared to the people, “Behold, I now hastily hand over the banner to Substantial OG, our Apicurean contender for Kingship of the 37 Kingdoms! Yeahhhh!!!”

There was an uncomfortable silence as Shomolek reminded Gambrach that he was the contender for the Iron throne.

“Okay, I do it again,” said Gambrach, as his hand quivered under the weight of the banner. “Behold, I now very hastily hand over the banner to Substantial OG, our Apicurean contender for a seat at senatii! Yeahhhh!!!”

Shomolek quickly reminded Gambrach that Substantial was contending for the throne of the kingdom of Deltonia.

“JUST TAKE THE GADDEM BANNER BEFORE MY ARMS GIVE WAY!!!!” screamed Gambrach, unable to hold the banner any longer.

And there was yet unchill upon the land, as the people saw Gambrach in his full stature.

Caballee and Caballum asked the quills, “Hath Arty Cool not made any gaffes? Canst we not get the people to focus on him instead?”

“Well,” Lar Yi said, “tis well known that he is a fugitive in Trumpstantinople and his winged chariot is prohibited from Trumpstantine soil, as it was said of Shiwajun as well in the past. Shall we remind the people of the ancient saying that ‘A King cannot be King if he cannot place his feet on the golden soil.”

Lo, did they mock Arty Cool again, as they had for many years of his purported banishment. But news quickly came from Trumpstantinople that Arty Cool was visiting, accompanied by Abushola and Sita-Doka. Yea, was it said, that he lodged at the travellers’ lodge of King Trump himself!

And yea, was there no chill as the Coolates rejoiced and the Lovengers scoffed. Caballee and Caballum sought yet a further distraction. They agreed to send him, in the company of his Hand, Osinoshin, to the village square meeting with Lady Destiny a’Med.

All were gathered across Social Mediana, including Twilistia and the Book of Many Faces, unto Digital Perusia to witness Gambrach, unscripted. Yea, was he asked many questions.

“Your Majesty, thou sayest the Haramites of Boko have been vanquished and yet the forts of thine armies suffer great pillage at their hands. Are they truly vanquished?” Gambrach did not hear the question properly, so Lady Destiny repeated herself.

“They are vanquished. And warriors that mutter will be put to the sword.”

“What His Majesty means to say is…” interjected Osinoshin, as he launched into a fuller answer.

“Your Majesty, thou sayest thou art a man of upstandiness, untolerating of graft. Yet thou continuest to fraternise with Macashma Gandy, the great Sold. Why?”

As Gambrach pondered his answer, Osinoshin tried to jump in on his behalf again, “You see…”

“LET THE MAN SPEAK FOR HIMSELF!” demanded Lady Destiny. “Tis known the Many Years Disease affected his ears, has it spread to his tongue as well?”

“I believe the Macasham visions may have been a national bewitchment”, answered Gambrach finally, “for what manner of King is so stupid that he receiveth such gratification in person?”

The Lovengers applauded. The Killmongers on the other hand asked, “Is this your King?” And the unchill continued to swirl.

Finally, Lady Destiny asked him, “Your Majesty, if thou art not victorious at electoralis, wilt thou graciously accept defeat or will His Majesty again invoke SODAB, the “Siprit” of the Dog and Baboon?”

Gambrach smiled.”Loss? I look like someone who’s genuinely capable of loss to you? Are your eyes working? As my beloved Lady Kem-Shun would’ve said before she was hounded away, ‘nah, fam. I is not losing a bladclat ting! Those who gon’ lose know where the courts be!’ Peace!” Yea, did he throw the Game of Thrones season 8 sign again.

And all across the land, there was no gaddem chill.

 

 

Chronicles of Chill: The Tapestries of Rotamachus

Lights, Shadows, Color, Sky, Bloom

As electoralis drew nigh, the spirit of unchill descended most mightily upon the land, sweeping with violence and blowing however it gaddem felt.

Lo, did it blow unto the castle of Dinobetes Mellitus, where the hosts of the constabulary encamped around his dwelling in besiegement. And none could enter or depart Castle Mellitus for it was cut off from the rest of civilisation.

Dinobetes climbed up into the ramparts and saw the legions of the constabulary in waylayment. And he cried out unto them, “Why campest ye around my castle. Know ye not of my extreme closeness to Abushola the Warden of Senatii?”

“Aye!” responded the Chief Besieger, “but verily I say unto thee that the magistratum has ordered your arrest.”

“I command thee to leave the vicinity of my castle forthwith!!! Ye shouldst know that I am not one to be messed with!”

“We shall go nowhere! And if thou likest it not, call the Constabulary. Ooops! We are already here! Muahahahahaha!!!”

Dinobetes tried to send a pigeon to Abushola but it was promptly shot out of the sky. He sighed, knowing the game was up.

“Lower the drawbridge,” he commanded his manservant. Then he said a quick prayer to Syncope, the god of elite sanctimony. “O Syncope, I am about to be delivered unto the Constabulary and I need your help. Descend upon me and afflict me with thy most holy malady.”

Behold, as Dinobetes yielded himself, Syncope answered his prayer and struck him most violently with incontinence and unconsciousness. All of Twilistia beheld it and there was no chill.

In Bedrock, the spinning quills of Gambrach were concerned that he was not stumping. “Sire, Sai You, Sai Me, Sai it together naturally. Tis known to all men that thou wouldst vanquish Arty Cool without even trying but for the sake of appearances…”

“Oh, must I?” he asked Osinoshin. “Tis indubitably so”, replied Osinoshin.

Thus it was that Gambrach ventured to the land of Bom Akwaaba – the land of King Dom Inik – to stump. “Bom Ak are you with me?” Gambrach asked the Akwaabians. “Oh yeah, we’re voting Gambs, we ain’t goin’ nowhere!” came the refrain. “I promise the stump, the whole stump, nothing but the stump!” Gambrach replied.

Yea, it was a triumphant outing. But Gambrach returned to Bedrock in Boo Jar extremely fatigued. The Quills eagerly planned another stumpage but news suddenly came to the people that Lady Zar Kar of the Electoralis Umpirage was a kinswoman of Gambrach.

Wherefore Gar Bar went unto the people, with Lay Si in his shadow, to declare “Lady Zar Kar is a most genteel lady of the highest integrity and competence, who is only coincidentally, marginally and non-consanguinally related by a marriage of their relatives. Heed not the word of the Padipalians.”

But Gambrach had had enough and summoned Shiwajun. “Ser Shiwajun, wilt thou stump on my behalf with Osinoshin as thou didst in the electoralis of Gejoshaphat. I canst withstand this shit no more.”

“It would be my pleyyor, Your Majesty” answered Shiwajun.

“Great! Give them Wahala Morghulis in this Season 8,” said Gambrach, holding up 4 fingers on each hand.

And the people heard that Gambrach had ceded stumping to Shiwajun and there was no chill, but the Lovengers threw the GoT Season 8 sign wherever they found themselves. Yea, even Lady Yeeshah, who had complained of Caballee and Caballum.

Lo, it was at that time that Rain o’Mockery, the Irishman of uncertain function in the council of Gejoshaphat shewed the people a tapestry of Rotamachus, depicting Gambrach leading the country into tears and war and famine and gnashing of teeth.

Behold, all saw it and there was no chill. Lay Si, the Quill of Gambrach in Social Mediana, was particularly incensed. “This is a Wendellian lie! A Simlinous deception! This is not a tapestry from this electoralis but from the last.”

o’Mockery laughed in glee. “Thou sayest twas Rotamachus whilst he stabbed Gejosphat in the back, but behold the tapestry in much greater length!!!”

And thus it was that another tapestry of Rotamachus was unveiled, depicting Rotamachus himself predicting certain doom for the Kingdom and the unfeelingness of Gambrach.

Lay Si took up a magnifying glass to examine the stitches. “Aha!” he cried, “the stitches of this tapestry have been spliced and it rejoined in different places. It is a tapestry of falsehood!”

“Oh? No longer tapestry from the time of Gejoshaphat?” the Social Medianites asked, but there was no answer.

Rain o’Mockery, the Irish, Wendellian, Simlinous, antagonist revealed to the Twilistians, the Social Medianites and the Digital Perusites that he had even more tapestry, which could very well rip the curtain of the inner chamber of the Apicurean House.

And there was no speck, no atom, no figment, no gaddem modicum of chill in the land!!!

 

Chronicles of Chill: The Strings of Deux Cabales & the Gossipotamian Virgin Birth

person playing puppet dog

 

All over the land, in all the kingdoms, there was unchill and there was anticipation of precipitation of unchill. Twas the nature of the beast of electoralis, wild and perverse, and none couldest tame it.

In Gideria, Shangolulu fought to wrest himself of the title of stooge of Shiwajun but the people would have it not. “No one emergest from nowhere to become King whilst another sitteth on the throne unless he is a puppet of Shiwajun” it was frequently said to him. One morning, on Charr Knells, he finally had enough and declared unto the people, “Be ye not of blockered brains. I have always been somewhere as ye are somewhere now. Therefore nobody cometh from nowhere for everybody is someone from somewhere, gaddemmit!!!”

There was a rumbling of unchill.

And thus it was that Gambrach mounted his winged chariot once more and made for the land of Polskinia for a summit of the rulers of the earth on climatic changes. Gambrach was eager to participate, for he was keen to change the climate of chill within his own kingdom.

As was customary, the spirit of silence and reticence which so severely incapacitated him within his domain was instantly confounded by the sanity abroad and refused to descend from the winged chariot with Gambrach.

With his faculties of speech returned, Gambrach was eager to get some pressing matters off his chest, most particular of which pertained to the whispers right down from the Lords and Nobles to the plebs, about the authenticity of his existential condition and the foreign province of Sous Darne.

“Behold, I make haste to declare unto ye all in Polskania, before the demon Mutatis Mutandis returneth and maketh me mute again, that the whispers of my having perished and undergone asexual recreation and enclonology by the meisters in the Kingdom of Sah Oud are false. The me that thou beholdest here today is the version that proceedeth from the womb of his mother, fear not. If another me existeth and hath supplanteth me, in the words of my predecessor Gejoshaphat, the Kingdom of Trumpstantinople wouldst know.”

Yea and gaddem, the unchill that followed was as the flood of Noah, deluging the earth with ridicule and opprobriumunto Gambrach and his Kingdom.

Lo, as Lady Yeeshah, the wife of Gambrach beheld it in Bedrock, she couldst contain her own angst no longer, and cried out unto the people, “Save my husband thy king from the strings of the Deux Cabales which pulleth him whither and whence they pleaseth. I beg of thee! He behaveth so weirdly that I recognise him no longer!”

And her cry was heard all the way in Polskinia, wherefore the people came unto Gambrach asking, “art thou truly the Gambrach of the womb or the Gambrach made to deceive the tomb? For thy own wife sayeth she recogniseth thee not.”

But Gambrach had re-ascended his winged chariot where Mutatis Mutandis had lain in wait to enmute him again. And he was silent.

“Oh Sheet!” cried Sagacious, Gambrach’s counsellor for Kwarapshan, in frustration. “How shall Gambrach contend with Arty Cool in debatum if we canst not get Mutatis to depart from him in the Kingdom. Not that he hath much to say, but still…”

“Canst we not proclaim in his name that debatum be staged in Jandinia, where King Gambrach is usually at his most outspoken?” volunteered Lady Bee Ree, Gambrach’s counsellor for Subjects Who Had Seen the Light and Fled the Kingdom.

“No,” said a voice from within. It was Caballee, half of the Deux Cabales that had been stringing Gambrach along. “We shall send Oshinoshin to do the Too Wrenchy of debatum in Gambrach’s stead.”

The other half of the Deux Cabales, Caballum, was not convinced and said, “But wouldst we not cause a torrent of unchill by doing so? The people would demand the King, for it is Rex Debatum, not Debatum of Hands. Oshinoshin shouldst only contend with Wan Kenobi.”

The scribes waited patiently for Caballee and Caballum to reach a consensus.

“We have Lovengers aplenty, Caballum. If Sagacious declareth that it breacheth not the law of the land for a Hand to contend for the King in Rex Debatum, the Lovengers will unthinkingly agree. It is their way!”

Caballum agreed with Caballee and Sagacious made the declaration. And lo, there was unchill but it was a fairly subdued one. “Seest thou what I meaneth?” asked Caballee triumphantly. But they quickly saw that the reason for the relative calm was that the Twilistines and Social Medianites had gathered at the temple of Gossipotamia, the goddess of Cho Cho Cho and Shobolation. High Priestess Melinda TheSecond had summoned the people for a ministration and a time of worship.

Caballee and Caballum joined the people in the temple and listened to Melinda as she began to speak.

“Brethren, but sisthren especially, for I am a sister like thee, I come before thee today to present my son unto thee. He is heir to my kingdom and will inherit the sacrifices you bring to the temple of our goddess daily. I am aware that most of ye think his birth to be a virgin birth, for I am sublime and holy in my ways and have despised the motherhood of singularity but yea, shit happeneth. Tis life.

“For I came upon a man named Jorrow Me, as prophesied in the music of the prophetess See Mee. I wanted Jorrow baby to love me and he did for a time. Yea, I gave him green lightings, told him take my numbers and call me later for I wanted to be his lover. Behold, I embarked on long pilgrimages to visit him in Shangotedonia to prepare him for the life of a High Priestess’s consort. We just talked and held hands. Yet somehow, I fell into the enwombment of my son. Look at him so precious and beautiful. Lauratidyn, hold thy nephew up for all to see.

“And so, I conclude this presentation with these final words. Jorrow Me ditched me but he enriched me first. I thank Gossipotamia, our goddess for her divine direction always and you hoes out there need to stop hating and be like me, so that ye canst all have thy motherhood of singularity in luxury and be conveyed about in a chariot like mine – made of the finest Valryian steel and costing of a hundred million shekels, bitches! The sermon is ended.”

The people heard it all. And there was no gaddem chill in the land!

 

Chronicles of Chill: The Mystical Goblet of Ner Potty

brown wooden footed cup

And it came to pass, in the 7th month of the third year of the first quadrannium of Gambrach, that Yar Courb the Head Umpire for electoralis declared the contest open. Lo did all contenders for the Iron Throne and the thrones of the thirty-six kingdoms in the land.

Arty Cool brandished parchment containing his plans for the kingdom, trying to convinced the people to make him King. Very careful was he to avoid stumbling over arithmetic like Gambrach did when he broke 100% into 97% and 5%. Arty Cool kept everything 100, speaking only in blocks of 100%. He was, as they say, “all in” and promised all in cluesion if he were to be chosen as King.

In the Kingdom of Gideria, the disembowelment of Ambsalom was complete, as twas often said, “sheet nor dey him yansh again”. For Shangolulu, though yet to be formally be emballoted let alone elected king, marched about the kingdom with unmitigated swagger and infinite bravado. Yea, was he accepted by the nobles of the kingdom, elevated even above Ambsalom at their convivialities and soirees, for he bore the indelible mark of Shiwajun.

Wherefore Ambsalom looked upon the Giderians in muted anger and said to himself, “it falleth to him who receiveth the glory and honour of the throne to exercise the power attached to it. Lo, I shall log out of the Kingship app and delete my user profile and card details.”

Thus it was that congestion befell the Giderians in their work, in their play and even in their sleep. And there was no chill with them.

In Bedrock, Gambrach summoned his advisers, asking them how he might go about the business of electoralis. “Is there chill in Social Mediana?” Gambrach asked Bashally and Lay Si. “Canst I go unto them as I did in the last quadrannium.”

“Sire, there is no gaddem chill there. They accuse your majesty of launching the projects of Gejoshaphat and remind us when we proclaim that the Padipalians did nothing for 4 quadrannia that Rotamachus of the unfinished bridge, King El-Farquaad of Dunamis, Woo Doo thy counsellor for subsistence farming and many others that surround thee used to be Padipalians.”

“In fact, sire,” added FemCallamitus, “they declare that ye must contend in debatery with Arty Cool lest thou deniest all said on thy behalf again.”

“Okay, but wherefor art the Burgundy Medianites by whom I was zarafied at the electoralis past?” enquired Gambrach. “Chubacca and Deb Solo? Do they no longer stand with us?”

“Sire, ’tis said they are now with Morgallus.”

Tired, Gambrach asked for mead to be brought to him in his goblet of Nerr Potty. The gourd was the fruit of one of his conquests as a Man of Gunn, against the marauding Meyter Sheenes. He had pursued them beyond the borders of the kingdom, into their cave, vanquishing them most mightily. He let his men plunder the cave and kept for himself the most spartan, least ostentatious item of the lot – a simple wooden goblet.

Whenever he drank from the goblet, he received a clear and urgent urge to appoint someone very close to him to something quite important. It was one of these close associates that told Gambrach the ancient legend of the goblet of Nerr Potty. The goblet of Nerr Potty also had the power to relieve the discomfort of people from Crow Knee’s disease if the drinker spoke a blessing upon them. Many of the courtiers eagerly awaited the nights when Gambrach drank from his goblet, often pretending to suffer Crow Kneeism to be granted an audience with the king.

Yea, as Gambrach drank, he looked upon his son-in-law, June Ides, and put him in charge of the kingdom’s borders. Then he looked upon FemCallamitus and asked, “Still no ideas on how we might proceed on electoralis? Thou must improve dramatically, if thou wouldest take thy spokesmanship for me to the next level.”

Lo, FemCallamitus had a moment of lightbulbing and declared, “Oh my gracious, most blessed king. Let it be unto us as thou hast said! We shall tell the people that thou and only thou canst take them unto the next level.”

“Next level of what?” asked Gambrach, confused.

“Sire, it mattereth not. For whether it be forward or backward, upward or downward, it shall be with thee. Therefore it is next.”

Gambrach played with the thought and decided he liked it.

“I like it!” he declared, taking another sip. “Let us do it! We shall kick it off with a great banquet and launch. Summon all the Apicurean nobles, the influenzas from Social Mediana, the generals from the garrisons…”

“…sire, the generals? But…” interjected Lady Bee Ree. Gar Bar immediately cut her off, saying “What the King means…”

“THOU SHALT NOT MANSPLAIN TO ME!!!!”

Gambrach took another sip. “Gar Bar, you shall be in charge of the feast. Go thou and get everyone now.”

Wherefore Gar Bar gathered them all, and the all people in the land beheld the feast of the next level. All was well until it was seen that the generals were in attendance?

“WHAT??? THE GENERALS PLEDGE LOYALTY TO APICURIA AND GAMBRACH??? This infringeth the law and mores and norms of our land!!!”

“Your Majesty I tried to tell you…”, began Lady Bee Ree, “YOU DID NOT CONVINCE ME!!!” cried Gambrach.

Yea did Gar Bar remember the ancient mind trick of the Jedi and said unto the people, “Ye did not see the generals. They came but they left. For they knew not that the gathering was unto electoralis. But really, ye did not see them.”

“The false is very strong with this one,” remarked the Social Medianites and the Digital Perusites. Of course, they believed Gar Bar not. And in all of the land, not a gaddem flake of chill was left.