The Votenariat Cornpromise

Thus it was that the appointed day for Electoralis Federalis drew imminently nigh. All over the plains of Social Mediana, Jirrians in the Diasporean Realms announced their arrivals to partake of Electoralis, mostly to give their votes to Obi Wan Pitobi. Apicureans and Padipalians mocked them still, but the Jedi were resolute. “Even if Pitobi trumpeth not Shiwajun nor Arty Cool, yet shall we cast our lot with him!”

“Then ye shall learn the lessons of the structure of the real force!” the Padipalians and Apicureans responded.

All over Jirria, the people were hopeful that Electoralis would be peaceful and transparent. King Gambrach had deployed several Men of Gunn to the various kingdoms, to assist the Constabulary in keeping the peace. In addition, there was the deployment of glorious new gadgetry to look forward to. Ser Yaki Hair Mood, Warden of the Independent Votenariat, had collected THREE HUNDRED BILLION Jirrian shekels from the King’s treasury and had purchased ultramodern Bamboozling Vote Amplification or Suppression devices, to make sure the process was free and fair.

In Kogitaria, King JarJar Bellows of House Apicurea was also keen for a free and fair poll. Thus it was that when word came to him of a Padipalian stronghold in his domain, he knew it would be unfair to himself as King to allow its champion, Lady Tash, join the NAssholes in Boo Jar. “Let us level the playing field,” he said to his council. Taking him literally, one of his counsellors led the King’s demolishionery to the Padipalian domain and excavated all roads by which ingress could be made, all 5 of them. “Job done, playing field levelled!” they congratulated themselves.

The people saw it, and unchill began to rumble in the land.

“But without roads, the Votenariat cannot record the castings for Electoralis,” they protested.

“True,” replied JarJar, “is it not better to contemplate their lot in isolated safety than bring Electoralian tragedies upon themselves?” Yea, the people believed it not, and beat about a hurried reconstruction.

And in that day, all the Apicureans gathered to stand even harder on Shiwajun’s man-bits.One of them was a young man named Happy Zion. He had been selected as the Head of the Juvenile Wing of Apicurean Cornscripts, over another young man, Victorious Dread, despite calls from the latter’s supporters to stand on his own man-bits and reject the imposition. It loo-leh’d however, and Happy Zion took it upon himself to marshall the field of the Juvenile Wing to ensure Shiwajun’s victory at Electoralis. “Ye shalt behold my glorious structure and ye shalt learn lessons,” he would routinely declare.

It finally came, the long-awaited day, and Jirrians trooped out to participate in Electoralis – many without performing their morning bodily or dental ablutions. For what was a little whiff of BOMO compared with the whiff of a new dawn? Lady Tawla Martinez of the Grammaticus Ministeriat had warned all and sundry of the past participle of the verb ‘cast’, so they were truly ready for a glorious day of civic exertations. All eyes were on the Independent Votenariat to deliver on its pledge and mandate of freedom of choice, fairness of processes and transparency of collation.

Unchill began to rumble in the land however, when the Pulling Officers (so known, for they pulled the ballot-storing cauldron around by cart) of the Votenariat failed to arrive at many casting centres. They waited and waited and waited and waited, in some places in vain, for the Pulling Officers never arrived. At other casting centres, the Pulling Officers arrived late and without the required number of the ultramodern Bamboozling Vote Amplification or Suppression devices, resulting in swathes of Jirrians being unable to be accredited (another Electoralisian trip-up word, in the same bucket as cast) to partake of Electoralis.

Lo, the unchill continued to rumble. However, the people attempted to put this aside and as many as were able to cast their votes. And as the voting ended and the tallying was conducted, Jirrians ran to Social Mediana with textual and graphical news of the results. However, as the sun set, further news came to the Jirrians that the telepathic bifrost for the relaying of the final tallies by the Pulling Officers to Yaki Hair Mood in Boo Jar were faulty. And Boo Jar received them not. Wherefore Ser Hair Mood activated the failsafe – “Regulators! Mount up upon your steeds and make your way to me in Boo Jar, that ye may read painstakingly from your tally scrolls as was done several millennia ago.”

In the Kingdom of Rivissinia, several Pulling Officers raised alarm that they had been ordered to convene at a central location without activating the bifrost, and on arrival were greeted by King Fearsome Wee-Kay, lead singer of the Crackpot Five, wielding a master quill. When the Rivissinian tally scrolls arrived in Boo Jar, they had been severely re-inked.

And unchill grew in the land. Not even news that Obi Wan Pitobi had tallied higher than Shiwajun and Arty Cool in Gideria could quell the unchill. Behold, Pitobi tallied higher than Shiwajun even in his ancestral fortress of Oshunlonica. Happy Zion believed not his eyes and quickly took to the streets of Social Mediana to declare, “Apicureans of Gideria, the crown of King Shangolulu the Shiwajunian Whisperer is now at stake. Deceive me no longer with your million cornscript marches! We must secure Gideria, lest our long-held secrets and treasure troves be revealed!”

Behold, the Padipalians were also in great distress. Yea, the spirit of DeoVolenti the Roo-Baby descended upon Dinobetes Mellitus and he charged into the Great Tallying Hall in Boo Jar, to confront Hair Mood, just as DeoVolenti had confronted Warden Jegatrix in quadrannia past. “Ser Yaki, this is an outrage! Thy Pulling Officers announce tallies different from what they recorded at the casting centres, which they failed to relay on the telepathic bifrost for the ultramodern Bamboozling Vote Amplification or Suppression devices. You must remediate this travesty! This is not a game of video, this is not Grand Theft Voto. Defend thine own honour and that of the Independent Votenariat.”

“Ser Dinobetes, let the Pulling Officers complete their Pulling and then, perhaps, we might deal with your observations.”

“NO!!!” screamed Dinobetes, “these are not mere observations. Open the bifrost, let us see and compare and use only those numbers we find therein!” But Ser Yaki Hair Mood unlooked and Dinobetes invoked Waka Comotus, and left the chamber in the company of several other Padipalian stalwarts.

But then, the Jirrians themselves began to peep into the telepathic bifrost to make their own observations and mygheeeeurd it was replete with manisfestations of inaccuracies. For the tally scrolls of Gideria had been mixed up with the tally scrolls of Dunamis, which had been mixed up with the tally scrolls of Zamfarwayland, which had been mixed up with the tally scrolls of Imolek.

The people were incensed. And there was no gaddem chill in all the land. Nay, nary a speck!

The Repainting of the Coin and Kings’ Gambits

Following the protestations of Shiwajun and his declaration that he would be crowned King despite the machinations of certain Apicureans in high places, three Apicurean kings gathered and decided to petition the High Magistratum over the repainting of the coin.

There was King El-Farquaad of Dunamis, King Mattar-Shattar Wale of Zamfaraway Land and King Jar-Jar Bellows of Kogitaria. Together, the three akaras formed Voltron and were filled with a new, uncommon, hitherto unseen and imperceptible compassion for the poor and downtrodden. Thus, they pleaded with the High Magistratum to order King Gambrach to order Mefilius, the Warden of the Iron Bank, to do away with date of uselessity of the old coin. Wherefore the High Magistratum issued an Injuctio De Fidihe, that is, an order of Nekanian duration, that the date of uselessity be delayed, pending a full hearing of the matter.

Bar-Kar, the head lawman to King Gambrach, received news of the Nekanian Injunctio, and announced that the King’s Court would abide by it. Mefilius heard this and rushed to the Royal Palace at Bedrock to seek King Gambrach’s mind on the matter.

“Your Mostly Excellent Majesty, long may the days that constitute the short remainder of your reign be! Sire, I have come before thee once more that thou mayest tell me what decision I shall independently take in the matter of the repainted coin. For our supplies of coin ore have long since run low and replenishments are yet on the high seas. And even with surplus ores, our forge is of limited capacity. I must come to an independent decision on what to do next and I know I can depend on Your Majesty’s wisdom for this.”

“Let us ponder on it for three days,” replied Gambrach. “And on the third day, let us gather again with my most trusted circle, let the ale of syconfanta be liberally served that the circle may be even more obsequious than usual, and then I shall tell the people of Jirriah the decision that you have independently come to.”

Thus, in the days following the ruling of the High Magistratum, nothing changed in the supply of the coin and neither Mefilius nor Gambrach announced a new date of uselessity. Lo, the regional depositories fell under siege, as none was able to withdraw any coin, regardless of the number in the ledger. And there was like, for real, for really real, a great unchill in the land. Many Kings threatened to shutter businesses rejecting the old coin, but it was to no avail. Yea, King El-Farquaad declared, “Beware Gambrach’s inner circle in the other other room!”

And yet, the various would-be Kings at Boo Jar continued to make their cases to the people, as the date of electoralis federalis drew nigher. Shiwajun and the Shetty-Man, Arty Cool and Fan-Yi, Obi Wan Pitobi and Soof That Baba.

King Fearsome Wee-Kay of Rivissinia continued to antagonise the Padipalian campaign and Arty Cool was unable to stump for the people of Rivissinia. The thespian Seller Britties of South-Westeros pledged their fealty to Shiwajun, who continued to speak and behave in manners that consistently needed the clarification of Lastus Boltammo and his other griots. Obi Wan Pitobi’s stock continued to rise, so much that many BEES (Best Evaluators of Electoralis Surveys) gathered pollen from all over Jirriah, read the pollen and concluded that Pitobi had become the nominal front-runner.

But the shortage of the coin bit very hard. And while many used the glorious method of blocked chains to transfer virtual coins, it was a technology outside the grasp of the majority.Behold, there were weepings and gnashings of teeth at the depositories.

Finally, Gambrach was ready to address the people. He proclaimed, “Great Jirrians, I know that this has been a period of even greater suffering than I fomented during my two quadranniums, and even during my first iteration as a Man of Gunn. I promised to do my best not to disappoint you and well, here we are.

“Ye have heard it said that I directed the independent Iron Bank to repaint the currency to derail the ascendancy of Shiwajun. If he is an ardent buyer of votes, it may well be so. For I am against ALL buyers of votes. High or low, Apicurean or Padipallian, federalis or municipalian. But I also finally see that a hungry and impoverished people will be at their most susceptible to vote buyers. And Jirrians deserve a free and fair electoralis and gaddem you my haters, I need to be remembered for at least one good thing!

I therefore decree that the Iron Bank of Boo Jar, with its independent mind and of its own volition, shall bring back the 200 shekkel coin. But the 500 and 1000 shekkel coins are now and forever proscribed – behold, their day of uselessity is today.

And what of the ruling of the High Magistratum? Well, as Bar Kar, my chief lawman once famously said, ‘Rex fit injuria iyalaya anybody’. For, like the guy from Siam said, I am King.

And unchill began to rumble again, for immediately after King Gambrach’s speech, King El-Farquaad rejected his authority over Dunamis. “King Gambrach is my guy, but his circle has struck again. So I say no. In Dunamis, until the High Magistratum issues an Injunctio De O’Dilly, that is, one in perpetuity on this matter, Dunamisians will be both free and compelled to deal in the purportedly outlawed coin.”

And there were gasps and whispers of accusations of treachery. And in all of Jirriah, there was not one gaddem chill to be found in the land.

The book of the First Quadrannium of Gambrach is available for purchase in the Amazonian libraries of Bezos, in Kindling and Papyruss.