The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: The Ogbenyssian Protocol

man holding pipe statue

It was once again the Day of Bar Charr Mortis and the people of Jirriah recalled with warm disgust where exactly they were on the day that Bar Charr did a Beelle Corsbi and became a Ghost Daddy. The Coffee pestilence was still upon them but news of it had been subsumed by events in Trumpstantinople, where a charcoaloid citizen had been unlawfully killed by an elbuboid member of the constabulary. Yea, the eluboids had pressed the charcoloid’s Georghinho. In the gaddem neck.

It was the latest in a series of charcoloid persecution at the hands of some eluboids, without consequence. The charcoloids had had enough and burst onto the streets of every Trumpstantinoplan prefecture, declaring, “Charcoloids Matter! Charcoloids Matter!” Lo, some eluboids found this offensive and declared instead, “All Loids Matter! All Loids Matter!” And there was a conflagration in all countries of the earth.

In the Jirrian Kingdom of Edom, electoralis was at hand as the first quadrannium of King Bar Sekky drew to a close. The hand of Shomolek, Head of House Apicuria and erstwhile King of Edom himself was set against Bar Sekky and there was no gaddem chill. Shomolek came unto the people of Edom and said unto them, “Great people of Edom, I know it was only a quadrannium ago I came unto thee and told ye that Ser Yamu-Yamu was unfit to be King. Forgive me, for I knew not what I was saying then. I am older now, and wiser. And I have grown. And I am speaking my truth. Behold, tis Bar Sekky who is unfit, for he respecteth not the God fathership of thy Kings past.” Verily, verily Bar Sekky replied unto him, “Gourrd purrnish your parrparr!”

Meanwhile, in that day, there were two squires from the House of Sabimento – Chxta of Greece and Ednut the Fonjissimo. Yea, in their work for Sabimento, they traversed Jirriah interrogating the facts behind the gossip pervading the land. By and by, their quills told of a pestilence upon the land, worse than Coffee One Nine, from which the perpertrators profited immensely. It was a pestilence that flew by night, day and any other gaddem time it cared, for the Constabulary was either complicit or powerless to stop it – Humannapping.

Behold, their report came unto the Jirrians, many of whom were rightly perturbed. But the Lovengers dismissed it, declaring it the mischievous work of mercenary Aliminic agents. Yet, it was in Sin-Sinna the home Kingdom of King Gambrach himself that the matter came to a head. The towns and villages were pillaged and the municipal head of House Apicuria in Sin-Sinna was Humannapped. Completely at a loss at what to do next, King Asari Dumbello proclaimed, “Behold, I hereby renounce the gentleman’s agreement between us Sin-Sinnans and our tormentors. I know not what I shall do next but see how strongly and passionately I denounce them!!!”

The people saw it and there was no chill.

In Ekonnos, the Kalahari Newsgatherers had huffed and puffed but they could not blow down the house of Muddy O’Basha. O’Basha convened on the Grams of Inster with Ser Mommodeen, Chronicler of the Ostentatious and declared, “You dey whine me ni? Money is for spending!” Yea, the people looked on in wonderment, as his fellow Ekonnosian Lexiconmen, in unison, passed a resolution of WonOBiYinDa in his support, yea, as their spouses received promise of a dubailoid expedition. And there was no chill in Ekonnos.

The unchill swirled even louder as news came unto the people that Ogbenyssius and Shiwajun no longer saw eye to eye. This made no sense to the people of Twilistia and Social Mediana, for both Shiwajun and Ogbenyssius were Oshunlonicans and Ogbenyssius had pledged fealty to Shiwajun for many years. Was Ogbenyssius threatening the eternal harmony of Iragbishire? Had he prevented another van of bullion from entering the palace of Body Lawn?

Then word came to the people that Ogbenyssius had been betrayed by Shiwajun in the proclamation of the new Chief of Eeru, and as a result, in fact, Ogbenyssius himself spurred by the words of King El-Farquaad of Dunamis was steeling himself to vie against Shiwajun for the Iron Throne of Boo Jar once the second quadrannium of Gambrach was done.

The people of Twilstia and Social Mediana beheld it all. And there was no gaddem chill in all the gaddem land!

The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: A Cavern for Lady Bee-Ree

gray concrete structure photo

The peoples of Jirriah were restrainfully going about their daily business, when it was carried on the whispers of the wind that King Gambrach had appointed a successor to Ser Bakky Arie. They were mostly nonplussed, yet they wondered who Gambrach’s choice would be and whether he would also be the sort of Chief Helmsman Gambrach could delegate all his responsibility so that he could carry on doing nothing.

They did not have to wait too long as confirmation finally came from the desk of FemCallamitus that Gambrach had sipped of his mystical goblet again and chosen an elderly statesman, Ser Barry, to be his new Chief Helmsman. Yea, did the Lovengers proclaim it the greatest post-deceasement appointment in all Kingly history. But the Wailers quickly pored over the chronicles of times past and stumbled upon one written by no other than FemCallamitus himself.

In the reign of Bar Charr the Eternally Benevolent, Ser Barry was emissary to the Universe of Nations, where all the kingdoms of the world gathered to speak in high falluting terms, but not much else. Bar Char had ordered the unfair trial and expeditious execution of Ser Kenneth WheeWhar and the Goony 9, to scathing condemnation at the Universe of Nations. Like Gambrach, Barry was incapable of finding fault with Bar Charr. This would come back to hurt Ser Barry when the peoples neighbouring the Goonies flatly refused his appointment as a peace broker. FemCallamitus in his previous uncalamitous incarnation as a chronicler pointedly reminded Ser Barry of his grovelling, bootlicking, lovenger-like past. Yeah, once again, irony had come to Jirriah to die.

The Twilistians in Jirriah had little time to mull over the past however, as the number among them facing the Coffee One Nine plague continued to increase worryingly across all the kingdoms. All the kingdoms, that is, except the kingdoms of Kogitaria where King Jar-Jar Bellows reigned, and the Crescent Lake Kingdom where King Benner Yade sat on the throne. Their subjects remained in pristine health. And when the people asked King Yade how it so, he replied, “Behold, tis not a matter for protracted cranial calisthenics. For, in what I have in my unique and uncommon wisdom, captioned ’emperatio maiguardi’, I have done absolutely nothing but patrol the borders of Crescent Lakes all day and all night. My eyesight is enhanced with natalicious imbroglio, enabling me to perform an identificato mazamaza of any virulent sub-atomic particles in the air.”

“Ah, so if the Royal Infirmieres arrive to test Crescent Lakians, like King Trumpet of Trumpstantinople, they too wouldst test positively negative?” the people of Social Mediana enquired.

“No, no, no, no. Like my brother-King Jar-Jar Bellows, I am an ardent believer in the Disparetto Principle of Zero -One Hundred. Zero tests will always yield a perfect health score. Finkabourrit.” And there was no chill in the land.

In Ekonnos, Ser Muddy O’Basha the warden of the legislatum came under intense scrutiny from the Kalahari Newsbearers. Each day, they told a different story alleging larceny and embezzlement by Ser O’Basha. In less civilised and inferiorly evolved kingdoms, the shame would have forced any politician out of office. But this was Jirriah, where the politicians had a unique genetic mutation of the shame gene, rendering them all impervious to opprobrium and disgrace. News came to the people that Shiwajun, himself a proprietor of newsbearing organisations, had warned all and sundry not to amplify the allegations against O’Basha. But the Kalahari Reporters seemed to be playing the long game. And the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission was uncharacteristically flaccid at the opportunity to investigate allegations of illegal enrichment.

Such flaccidity was not to be found in the chambers of Lar Yi, Gambrach’s Counsellor for Propaganda and Obfuscation, however. At his behest, under a bogus law that purportedly made it illegal for Social Medianites to cause annoyance to Kingsmen, the Constabulary had thrown a writer in jail for just that on the Feast of Eiden. Yea, there was no chill in the land.

In Trumpstantinople, the King’s opponent in the forthcoming electoralis had emerged. His name was Ser Abiden ByMe. Ser Abiden had served as Hand under King Barma. Abiden ran into a spot of trouble when he told Champagne-Man that he wasn’t a Jigger. And unchill rumbled across the kingdoms of the earth.

In Jirriah, news came to the Social Medianites and the Digital Perusites from the mouth of Lady Bee-Ree, who served as Gambrach’s Counsellor for Those Who Had Seen the Light and Fled the Kingdom. She praised her workmen for their diligence but lamented that they had no chambers to call their own for they had been cast out by Ser Izzy Bikinimi, Gambrach’s Counsellor for Connectivity.

“Ser Bikinimi expelled us from the cavern offered to us by the King’s Commissioner because he realised, contrary to what he had previously believed, that I was female and allowing us to remain would have been Her Ram. Lo, he cast us out by the hand of armed officers of the King’s Constabulary.”

Ser Bikinimi was livid and came into Twilistia to proclaim the mendacity of Lady Bee-Ree’s assertions. “This is a lie. A falsehood. A great untruth. For I know no armed constables.”

“Laughing out Loud, Ser Bikinimi,” responded Lady Bee-Ree, ” a scholar of your purported standing – laughing out loud again, bro – ought not to indulge in this on the Feast of Eiden. Our tools remain sealed in the cavern – release them unto us. And remember the words of FemCallamitus – time as a Kingsman is too temporary for us to be groveling, bootlicking tin idols.”

Of course, Gambrach unlooked their bickering. FemCallamitus, who had been trying to lie low since the unearthing of his ancient Barryian chronicle heard his name and was angry. “Why are you calling my gaddem name? What in the gaddem heck does this have to do with me????”

And all across the land, there was not a single gaddem chill to be found.

The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: The Unseen Hand of the Vaccinatti

person in white gloves with blue textile on lap

The pestilence was unrelenting in the force with which it swept through the kingdoms of the earth. The petrolatums of the nations regained some of its lost value but Iron Banks around the corners of the world reeled from its impact still. Mefilius, the Warden of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar, saw the depreciation of reserves coming from afar and, brimming with wisdom, decided to levy a unilateral deductivo ad piggybanki of One Billion shekels on each of the Jirrian banks.

This deductivo ad piggybanki hit the Jirrian banks in their solar plexuses. The Bank of Arc Sex was particularly so winded by the punch that its Chief Usurist, Ogunday YakkyWe, assembled all the hands of the bank in Zoomitopia and said unto them, “As Mefilius deductivoed our piggybanki, the bank of Arc Sex shall do also unto thee, including me. Yea, no one shall feel this burden harder than myself, as I shall forfeit nearly half of my wages. Tis true that this will have cause but a mere ripple in the profits-benefits continuum but never mind that. The Bank of Arc Sex shall be stronger, even as we bid some of thee farewell.”

News of the potential farewelling of the people of Arc Sex reached the lords of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar, wherefore they declared, “there shall be no terminato employmentico without the blessing of Mefilius.” Yea, the Arc Sexers heaved a sigh of relief.

But there was still no chill in the land. For in the Kingdom of Car-Knoe, the engravists of the deceased had raised a loud cry, “Behold, we are overwhelmed! Yea, the land is overwhelmed and we cannot engrave any further till somebody tells us why so many gaddem people are in need of engravement!”

MaCashma Gandi, King of Car-Knoe, resplendent in his be-Benjamined robes, had absolutely no answers to this great mystery. He did not know if it was the Coffee One Nine disease causing the deaths. All he knew was that Gambrach had sent King Shangolulu of Ekonnos carriageloads of shekels and none had come to Car-Knoe. “Give us shekels in Car-Knoe,” he demanded, “that we might through shekelisation uncover the unseen hand behind this mystery.”

And whilst King MaCashma awaited the benevolence of Gambrach, many of the kings of North Jirriah began sending the Al Magiricks back and forth between their kindoms, for fear that the Coffee One Nine would find a haven with them. The Al Magiricks were children sworn to an oath of scriptural scholarship, in the eternal quest for the revelation of the truth. A life of philosopher-kingship awaited any Al Magirick who could complete his quest. The peoples of Jirriah saw this game of Al Magirickshi between the kings and there was no chill in the land.

In Kogitaria, King JarJar Bellows had built an isolarium to care for those under the scourge of Coffee One Nine, with pomp and circumstance. That night, one of the pets of Dinobetes Mellitus, Bellows’ nemesis, escaped from its confinement. It was the notorious big, bad wolf. It huffed and puffed and blew the gaddem isolarium down. And there was still no chill in the land.

But succour succour lopo lopo arrived, when yet again, Bar Charr posthumously activated a palliative package for the people of Jirriah. Behold it was in excess of Three Hundred Million Trumpetistani shekels. And the people of Jirriah, from Twillistia to Whatsappia, across all of Social Mediana, sang of the unending benevolence of Bar Charr. Wherefore Gambrach said to FemCallamitus in Bedrock, “Thou seest it? Have I not always maintained that Bar Charr stole not? For he was laying away treasures for the peoples of Jirriah against the rainy day.” The ghost of Bar Charr smiled and vanished into a tractor beam.

It was also in that day that the Iron Bank of Imofu also granted Gambrach’s request for money. And again there was no chill in the land, as the Wailers cried, “Yet another loan???” And the Lovengers replied, “Tis not a loan, you fools!” To which the Wailers replied, “But we have to pay it back with interest! What is this called on Planet Gambrach?” And their back and forth continued, fulfilling the ancient prophecy of the bard, Fellanimus Kutinski “Argument, Argument, Argument!”

Behold it was also in that day that the spirit of  theoreticus conspiratus swept through the land. From the loving world of Jehricurlia to the illuminatic recesses of the mind of Farney Kaye the mystic, there was agreement on Coffee One Nine being a grand scheme to bring about Pharmageddon – the day evil forces would apparently take over the world by means of enforced pharamacology. And the voice of Farney Kaye rang out loudly, “Behold, I have for years warned ye about the unseen hand of the Illumanti in the affairs of men. Now I foretell a greater disaster – that this man who spends his great wealth helping poor countries, fighting diseases, philanthropicising, drinking water and generally minding his business deceiveth thee. He conspireth not with the Illuminati but the Vaccinatti!!!”

And in all the land, there was not a single gaddem speck of chill to be found.

 

The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: Coughing One Nine

brown coffee beans

Thus it was that pestilence continued to rage across the Kingdoms of the earth. Yea, the men of science had finally agreed on its name. It was neither the colonialvirus (for it no longer discriminated between empires and colonies) nor the cyclonialvirus nor even the moronavirus. Its name was Coffee-Nineteen, because it was molecularly shaped like the 19th nucleus of a coffee bean but more so because it reignited the flow of the milk of human kindness amongst the peoples of the earth.

The rulers of the nations addressed their citizens daily, informing them of the plans to flatten the aromatic curve of the Coffee, but not the king of the Jirrians, for he was nowhere to be seen. “Where is Gambrach?” the people demanded, for the umpteenth time in his reign. “Will he not speak to us, like his mates of the insaner climes and even those in Freekah?”

Behold FemCallamitus came unto the Char Knells, in the chamber of the Thankful Peacock, to inform the people that speaking to them was against the style of Gambrach. “For the King wouldst rather speak to more important people,” said FemCallamitus, “and know ye not that each word of Gambrach is a priceless commodity, carefully curated by the gods on Olympus, so that Gambrach wouldst not misyarn?”

But later that very night, as the people slept, King Gambrach came to each of them in a dream to bless them. “Fear not, Jirrians. For my kingdom is a kingdom of life and I have commanded my Lords and Earls and Princes to gird themselves for the battle against this dastardly disease. Fear not, for we shall vanquish this disease, this nonsense Coffin One Nine.”

The people all woke up and were perplexed. Not because Gambrach had simulcasted to them whilst they slept, but because he had re-dubbed the plague Coffin One Nine. And they remained unsatisfied, for he refused to address them directly and the pestilence advanced menacingly.

Then, from the nether lands of Oceania, a clergyman named MamSalam arose and began to taunt Gambrach without warning. And there was no chill in the land, as the Lovengers railed against the attack. Finally, the voice of Gambrach came loudly from Bedrock, according to the wishes of the people, he was hailed alike by Wailer and Lovenger for demonstrating command of the situation. Yea, didst MamSalam, together with Reign O’Mockery, King Gejoshaphat’s emissary to Social Mediana, perform the ancient ritual of Give Ehwhey, to celebrate the occasion.

However, news came to the people that Bakky Arie had been struck by the Coffee-19 and had taken ill. Then it was told to them that King El-Farquaad of Dunamis had also been struck, as had King Sheyovski of Oyokolova. Lo, there was no chill in the land.

It was in that day that Bellows the son King El-Farquaad came unto the Social Medianites and lamented saying, “’tis a thing most terrible to be ruled by a King that cannot invoke the Mosaic spirit of anti-plagueness to defend his people!” Wherefore one of the Social Medianites enquired most politely, “Dost thou mock King Gambrach and thy father King El-Farquaad? For they imbibe not this spirit of the Mosaic.”

Behold, a red mist descended upon Bellows and he bellowed in anger, “Thou Ipobusinian infidel! Thou wretch of South Easteros! Behold, I shall know thy mother most biblically and I shall invite my friends to partake of the knowledge as well, thou Ipobusinian scumbag scummm!!!” And, gadddemmmmmm, there was no chill in the land.

The people of Social Mediana cried unto Lady Deezer, mother of Bellows saying, “Lady Deezer! Behold thy son!” but she replied, “Bother me not, for tis the ancient gbasgbotic wisdom of Twillistia that all is fair in a give-en-tekk.” And the Lords and Ladies of Sponsorallia were aghast, that Lady Deezer would not chastise Bellows.

Yea, even Lady Zekway of Bboganvilla cried in amazement, “Bellows, is this a threat of forceful carnal knowledge I see thee make?”, to which Bellows replied, “Send me an emissary or a  gaddem pigeon, woman!”

Lady Deezer quickly saw the folly of her position and recanted but Bellows did not. A day and  a night passed, and the unchill raged until, finally, Bellows came back meek and yellow unto the Twillistians, singing the words of the bard Brigh-Anner Dams – “Please forgive me, I know not what I do. Please forgive me, they raised me well, it’s true. Don’t deny me, this surname-pain I’m going through. Please forgive me, you Ipobusinians too.

However, before the people could wash their hands so they could link them and sing along, FemCallamitus announced to them that Bakky Arie had succumbed to the Coffee, and was no more. And behold, there were new chronicles in the land. Chronicles of Kyill, of the goodness of Bakky Arie and how grossly the Jirrian peoples misunderstood him. But the people unlooked.

Lo, as the funeral cortege returned to Bedrock, they saw that a huge notice had been placed on the gates forbidding them from entry. Gar Bar looked pleadingly through the gates at Caballum, who sat inside, sad and glum. But Caballum could do nought, for Lady Yeeshah held the keys. “Well”, announced Gar Bar to the Twillistians, “this is not a gaddem big deal. We are only locked out until we are determined Coffee – free, as far as we are concerned.”

“Yes”, said Lady Yeeshah. “As far as YOU are concerned.”

And then, news came from Trumpstantinople that petrolatum, the gold of Jirriah, was depreciating quicker in value than salt by the ocean. And then, truly, there was not a gaddem speck of chill in all the land!

 

 

Noughts & Crosses – S1 E1

Noughts + Crosses (2020)

If you belong to a circle of drinking buddies who consider themselves men and women of thinking, you would have some point debated the alternate course of history that Africa would have taken had it not been colonised. You may have even considered the prospect of a reverse colonisation, where it was the Europeans who lived under African rule. Noughts and Crosses explores this theme, turning racial dynamics on their head, and only one episode in, it’s very intriguing.

First of all, we see that colonisation may have made the British Isles much sunnier, as the weather has been impeccable in Albion (Great Britain and Ireland). Secondly, we see how African, or rather Aprican rule, may have influenced the language of its empire. Rather than foremen or drill sergeants shouting ‘Come on!” or “Move it!” to ginger their crew, they would shout, in Yoruba, “Oya!” or “Kia-Kia”. Mummy and Daddy would be Mama and Baba. “African” (Dutch Wax, really) prints are also the leading motif for dressing in high society.

Rather than niggers, there are blankers. It doesn’t quite pack the punch of having actual history behind it but the oppressed are just as frustrated with their oppression as African Americans and black South Africans at the peak of overt racism. Police brutality means, by episode 5, there will probably be a ‘Nought’ (White) rap group called Blankers With Attitude doing their version of “Fuck the Police”.

There are rumblings of an uprising, as well as the promise of forbidden love for the protagonist. It’s all very nicely set up, the way good pilots can be and  the remainder of the series (available on BBC iPlayer) seems very promising.

It was a little unsettling though, perhaps because it provokes thinking the way satire should. The preview to episode 2 shows the Home Secretary urging Crosses not to embrace integration/dilution so readily, basically adopting today’s rightwing rhetoric but shooting it out of a Black speaker. Will that merely turn a mirror on society or, in a post-coronavirus world, possibly impel a fragmenting of society?

A final thought on the casting. In a woke, colorist-aware, cultural appropriation protesting world, one of the things that first strikes you is the obviously intentional curation of the Black members of the cast. Every single person is unmistakably West-African Sepia, a la Soyinka’s ‘Telephone Conversation”. Perhaps that’s also to turn Aryanism on its head.

What happens next? I’ll be staying tuned.

 

 

 

The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: Interregnum in Car-Knoe

gray and black wooden chair with fabric cushion

Yea, in that day, a great pestilence befell the kingdoms of the earth and a whirlwind of unchill tossed the seas. Some people called it colonialvirus because it struck at the imperial heartlands of Old Europiana. Other people called it cycloneavirus, as it blew unchill all the way from the Woo-Hand Province in Jinpingopia to the boroughs of Jandinia to the lagoons of Ekonnos in Jirriah, where King Shangolulu was pointedly on top of the matter.

It was not known if the cycloneavirus was the cause but Mar-Goo of the Everly Failing at Convictions (until recently) Commission was certainly afflicted with something. For the people beheld in wonderment as he declared in vainglorious self-assuredness, surrounded by griots sipping the sweet nectar of sycofancia from their gourds, that cycloneavirus was created in the dungeons of corruption.

“This soundeth like something only someone with moronavirus couldst say,” the people protested. Behold, this caused the clerks of the Everlies to come unto the people in Social Mediana to say, “Y Jirrians are thoroughly deaf! For if ye were not deaf, when Mar-Goo the Righteous declared that the pestilence was forged in the dungeons of corruption, ye would instead have heard him actually say corruption is a bad thing. Is this disputable.”

But Mar-Goo was not to be corrected, insisting, “I said that which I said.” Wherefore the Clerks of the Everlies shut their gaddem mouths and said nought further.

And the pestilence did not abate. It went out unto all the global stock fish markets, causing the stock to go sour all over the world. Yea, it even affected the price of Jirria’s priceless petrolatum, cause it to plummet to only one score and ten Trumpetstani shekels. The people looked unto Gambrach, but he unlooked them all. For he was sore at the prospect of his enforced stay on Jirrian shores as a result of the viral pestilence and the dimunition of his receipt of the Code of Esther at .

The cyclone also blew unto Shomolek, warden of the Apicureans. His battle with King Deus-Vici, of his home kingdom in Edom, had assumed such epic proportions that the Magistratum had ruled him no longer warden. “Only the godscan determine my Wardeny!” declared Shomolek, as he found a judge from another division of the magistracy to void the prior order. But, lo, was he greatly shocked when he went unto the Apicurean headquarters and mere mortals restrained his ingress into the premises.

“Do you not recognise me? Behold your Warden!” protested Shomolek. Lo, the guards gently replied, “Like a great warden once said – he who hath not the intestinal fortitude for rigging is best served being a political spectator.” And it was a big wawu for Shomolek.

In Car-Knoe, fresh off his victory at the disputio gubernatosis, King Macashma Gandi decided it was time to deal with his own private pestilence. “Darth Wheezus,” he called to his scribe for Social Mediana.

“Yes, O great king of the monied robes?” answered Darth Wheezus.

“Remind me – Noo Si, the Caliph of Car-Knoe, did he attend the wishing well commissioning ceremony we sent him to last week?”

“Nay, my King. He prefereth to pontificate about poverty and education and the failure of the Northern Kings to advance their peoples. Such great disrespect, my King.”

“What? Even after I hung, drew and quartered his caliphate?”

“Even more so, my King. It is as if the Caliph deemeth himself above you, Your Majesty.”

“How dare he?” riled Macashma Gandi. “His robes are only embroidered with silk. Mine are embroidered with far the more valuable threads of benjamene.”

“So what does Your Majesty now wish to do?” asked Darth Wheezus.

“Summon my council. He shall be deposed and he shall be banished! What a barn-zar!”

Thus it was that the news went out unto the people in Social Mediana, Twillistia and all of Jirriah that Noo Si was no longer Caliph in Car-Knoe. And there was no gaddem chill in the land.

The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: Armoured Tekuns & Angry Yetis

nick-fewings-vf9n1MmEV6U-unsplash.jpg

In the ninth month of the second quadrannium of Gambrach, the spirit of rubberstampia descended with great heaviness upon the wardens of senatii and junior senatii – Sers Nar Wal and Jar-Jar Beer Miller – and in unison they proclaimed, “We are nothing but inkpads in the hands of rubberstampia. Our constituents did not send us into Boo Jar to contend with Gambrach. No! We were sent to keep him unchecked and balanced. Anybody who doesn’t like it, that’s their gaddem business!”

And Gambrach beheld them and was well pleased with them.

It was in that day as well that the High Magistracy, now under the headship of Branko (who had been installed by Gambrach when Nono Gengen was ignominiously removed), ruled on the various Disuputio Gubernatoses that followed Electoralis across the land.

In the Kingdom of Imossopotamia, previously ruled by Roe Chazz the Statuesque, King Heady Hoha had been delcared winner of electoralis by the Necomongers but Disputio Gubernatosis followed with his contenders (including Inlaw Luther Roach – son in law to Roe Chazz) dissatisfied with the outcome. Of all the contenders, Ser Whose Ordimm had recorded the lowest number of votes. At the High Magistracy, Whose Ordimm protested the cancellation of polls from several hamlets in Imosspotamia, alleging that this was the reason he ‘carried last’ (in Jirrian parlance). The High Magistracy panel of 7 agreed and thus was Whose Ordimm declared King in Heady Hoha’s stead.

The High Magistracy, on the other hand, upheld the victories of King Macashma Gandi the Great Sold, in Car-Knoe, and King Tambouriner of Ko Tow.

Yea, there was unchill in the land – but not because of the news from the High Magistracy (this was a time of in Excelsis after all) but because new news reached the people that Gambrach’s daughter, Hernnana Oohnana, had flown on the Royal winged chariot to Bah Ouchie (na na na) to indulge in some private inner bahyour. You see, unlike what some in her family had not quite managed to do, Hernnana Oohnana had obtained a High Papyrus Certificato in Moboriousity and the King of Bah Ouchie had staged a cantata (na na na) for her to flex her newly minted skills.

“The winged chariot is not Gambrach’s personal property. Yes, we know it ferries him on private appointments to the Jandinian meisters – but at least he is King. Wither cometh the audacity of Hernnana Oohnana?”

Wherefore, Lady Yeeshah, Hernnana’s mother came unto the people, singing the words of the ancient bard Slarr Tann, “Pepper. Dem. Ooooo!!!!

Meanwhile, in North Easteros, the Haramites of Boko had recovered from their technical incapacitation and were resuming their plague of pillage, kidnappery and murder. In South Westeros, farmlands continued to suffer attacks from swarms of locusty cattle, herded without regard for civilisation by herders, under the auspices of the Yetis of Gawd. The people wailed and gnashed their teeth in anguish until, one day, the South Westerosi kings decided that it was time to act.

Thus did they go into conclave to ponder the matter and when they arose, in billowing white smoke, with their arms folded in a letter X across their chests, they proclaimed unto the people –

Behold, we have heard thy cries. The lord of the harvest that has been destroyed has also heard thy cries. Ye shall cry no more – for we have consalted theh spirits of the ancestahs and they hevv told us, to invoke theh spirit of the Tekun. But yea, as these are modern times, it is no mere Tekun that shall protect thee and thy farms. Nay! It is an army of Armoured Tekuns!!!”

“AT LAST!!!” the people cried in glee.

Yes, we have summoned men from all the corners of  South Westeros. And when they drink this potion, theh pawehs of the Tekun shall be upon them and thy sorrows shall be stripped ehwhey!!! WAKANDA FOREVER!!!!”

Bar-Kar, Gambrach’s chief lawman saw it and declared unto them that it was solely within the preserve of the King (that is, King Gambrach) and his Nassholes to constitute an enforcement unit akin to police.

But the people answered, “We did not hear you declare it illegal for roaming herders to destroy our farmlands. Neither did we hear you proclaim Macashma Gandi’s Hizballah constables illegal. Is it because Macashma of the dollared robes is the chief magician of electoralis?”

Lo, the Yetis of Gawd themselves heard it and said unto the South Westerosi – “Ye are the most un soapysticated Marlians of the Jirrian peoples, with this Armoured Tekun machinations. Be ye not deceived.”

“Our leader Shiwajun will unleash wahala morghulis upon thee for this insolence!” the people declared, and looked towards the palace of Body Lawn. But there was only silence.

And then news came from Trumpstantinople that Jirrians would soon no longer be welcome into the Kingdom, for reasons as yet unclear. It was this that finally broke the dams of unchill for, as it is said, nobody cometh between a Jirrian and his/her dream to love Jirria from Trumpstantinople!”

Lo, yea and behold – there was no gaddem chill in all the land!

 

The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: The Soldiers of Shiwajun

randy-fath-GDLdU80UDko-unsplash.jpg

Thus it was, in the kingdom of Kogitaria, that electoralis minora came and went. King Jar-Jar Bellows was announced by the Necomongers as triumphant and he returned for a second quadrannium. The Nassholes had approved a Gambrachian bequeathment of 10 billion shekels to King Bellows on the eve of electoralise but King Gambrach’s eau de spartanesse obscured the putridity of the gift. Ser Smarty Panties also defeated Dinobetes Mellitus in the re-run of their contest. Wherefore Dinobetes again broke into song, singing, “skay lay woo, skay lay woo, skay lay woo, skay lay lay lay lay lay lay.”

It was a most busy time for the Magistracy in the kingdom. The Nassholes wouldst have also been busy but they scrutinised nothing and debated nothing, as their Warden Nar-Wal had repeatedly declared, “We shall pass unseen laws by faith. And yea, shall we grant whatever King Gambrach most holy requests of us, for his thoughts towards us are for good and not for evil. Rubberstampia….?” “IN EXCELSIS!!!” responded the Nassholes.

The Nassholes were also contemplating building a wall around Social Mediana, including Digital Perusia, Twillistia and the Book of Faces. Yea, it caused the people much unchill, for the senateens most vocal about the wall were Bomi Nayshun the Erotica Pugilista and Haba Mo-rawn the enscandalled former Warden of the Border Force.

But back to the Magistracy, for it was confronted with the trial of Worh Reh of the Kalahari Newsbearers. He had been arrested by the Despotic Squad Squadron (lo, they had been rechristened), for tagging a hash of revolution against the glorious name of King Gambrach most upright. Many times, the Magistratum had ordered his release into surety but again and again the Despotic Squadron disrespectfully declined, saying “How shall we release him? What if he is swarmed by locusts from the planet of jupiter? Or kidnapped by Amazons and turned into a sex slave? Or worse, a gaddem ostrich flying in the sky takes a dump that lands on his head? We must keep him safe in our custody, for we love him!”

Finally, the Magistrate had had enough and declared, “Tell the gaddem Warden of the gaddem Despotic Squadron the if he does not release gaddem Worh Reh as I have gaddem ordered, he will have to dislodge my magistratic foot from his gaddem rectum!” Behold, Worh Reh was released pronto but the very next fricking day, in the chambers of the Magistracy, the Despotic Squadron sought again to accost the Kalari Newsbearer. And the people of Twillistia and Social Mediana couldst bear it not and there was great unchill in the land. Even Sagacious, Gambrach’s Counsellor for the Stoppage of Graft – a reKanter and frequent advocate for subsumption of the law – couldst not stomach it.

Wherefore, Gar Bar, scribe of Gambrach came unto the Social Medianites saying, “The Despotic Squadron were exercising their mandate. This is a kingdom of law and order. No one threatens a contention against the King and goes scot free!” And the people cried in response, “But Gambrach invoked the gods of Doggandbaboonia against King Gejoshaphat! Not a finger was lifted against him.” Gar Bar replied, “Tis true, but remember ye not that he only threatened dogs and baboons and not the king himself!?!? Let us speak with common sense, please!”

Behold, the unchill grew.

Fortunately for King Gambrach and his men, a bard of international renown came unto the Jirrians and got them turnt. Her name was Ekadibi and maigheeeeeurd (!) everything about her visit was lit and Jirrians were distracted momentarily. Ekadibi also went to the neighbouring Coast of Gold, where the Goldcoastian Twillistia Nobles lined up to see her as children would Saint Nicholas. Alas, she did not come unto them for she was chewing upon kebabs, provoking their fury. And thus did Jirrians win the battle of the Ekadibesian visitation.

Upon the Ekadibesian departure, news came to the Social Medianites that Lord Chickener, Warden of the Poll Tax, of whom Bakky Arie had previously queried his unGambrachian collection, had reached the end of his tenure. It was a renewable tenure, but Bakky Arie had slipped Gambrach some non-alcoholic mead in his Mystical Gourd of Nerr Potty, and thus was a new Warden for the Poll Tax appointed. His name was Muna Mee, a man of the Ananite Abacus.

Lord Chickener was one of Shiwajun’s men and so Shiwajun sent a frantic raven to Gambrach, saying, “Yo, my gee. What it do? I’m just going to keep it real with you right now, this was not the plan, yo! How you gon’do my man Chickener like that? How you gon’do *me* like that? And an Ananite? An Ananite??? When you know Icandescents are the shizznit? Fix up, bro. Fix up, stat! Forget not my Wahala Morghulis. One love.”

As he sent off the raven to Bedrock, Shiwajun assured his men he had sorted it. Lo, as day broke, news came from Bedrock to the camp of Shiwajun. “Has Gambrach fixed it?” Shiwajun asked of the emissary, who remained silent. Bandi Ruiz, who was serving as Warden of the Premium Onigbese Bank (PogBa), quickly grabbed the parchment and his face immediately fell. “My Lord, I have been replaced as Warden of PogBa with immediate effect – this letter is from the King.”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT????!!!!” cried Shiwajun and all the nobles of South-Westeros in Jirria with him.. “Bandi Ruiz has lost to Adam Joshua? Well, my man Osinoshin is still the King’s Hand. All is not yet lost.”

But before the people could add to the unchill in the cosmos, Lady Yeeshah, wife of Gambrach, came unto them again in a fit of Ni-Banaso, protesting, “Gar Bar testeth me! He testeth me, swearraghad and I’m just letting you all know that I am vexed. I wouldst have told my husband Gambrach in the other room to deal with it but Gar Bar and his real masters Caballee and Caballum have changed the bed to a single bed! And in case, he’s never around, but that’s not the point! I can’t even have a private moment with the King anymore and so I air our dirty laundry, so you all can join your voices to mine. Worh Reh is not the only victim of Caballee and Caballum. Save me too! But let Gar Bar be warned, gaddemmitt!!!”

And in that day, the spirit of Mbaku fell upon the Wallop news gatherers, of Papyrus Mediana, and they declared, “We have watched and listened from the mountains! We have watched with disgust as our state-securital advancements have been overseen by a man-child! Who scoffs at democratic traditions! And you have handed this nation over to a King who rules and allows his agencies to administer as if there is no law. We will not have it! I said, we will not have it! And thus we proclaim, until this King reverts to his democratic face – the one he had when he realised how the Union Sovietika fell without a single canon being fired – until freedom and justice are again the beacons upon which our kingdom stands, we shall revert to the Centurion name and rank he bore as a usurper, when he first ruled as a Man of Gunn, and we shall refer to his Kingdom as a regime. Selah.”

The Wallopian Declaration, as it came to be called, was well-received across the land and the publishers of the Wallop News were hailed for calling King Gambrach to account. Not that he could hear them for he had again boarded his winged Chariot to the Land of the Pharaohs. But his griot FemCallamitus heard it loud and clear. Behold, did he respond, “Ye gaddem cocka-roaches! If ye call him a general, tis his rank and it changeth nothing. Savour ye for now the freedom ye enjoy to talk smack. Tis sweet, no?”

Lo, the people heard it and in all the land there was nary a gaddem speck of chill to be found.

 

 

The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: The Manhandling of the King’s Hand

right person's palm

Thus it was the news reached Lady Yeeshah that a wedding was afoot to rectify her absence from Gambrach’s other room in Bedrock and furiously, she sent ravens from Jandinia to Jirria to enquire from her Lord. But they did not fly quickly enough and she hastily readied her winged chariot and returned to Boo Jar.

 

As she set her foot on the Gambranich Hills of Boo Jar, the Social Medianites were greeted with visions of Lady Yeeshah’s anger, for it appeared unto them that a section of the castle had been cordoned off to her – for security, her handmaiden said. And in the visions, shaky as they were in their recordal, Lady Yeeshah proclaimed in a fit of Ni-Banaso, “There is only one Queen in this castle. Tis I! And did the ancient bards Couche not sing it – if ye see the soldiers by my side, on the left and on the right, my garrison around me – how canst a mere chamber constitute an insecurity to me?”

 

The noise was too much for Gambrach and sorely inflamed his Many Year’s Disease. “Damn this noise”, he said, “I shall go to the Kingdoms of Sah-Oud and Jandinia for a quick minute. I cannot bear this any further.” So he mounted his winged chariot and was off.

 

And the Twillistines believed the vision not, until the prophetess who brought it unto them declared herself the progeny of Myman Dee, Gambrach’s very close confidant. She said, “the vision  was an old vision. Gambrach broke all protocols for the sake of my father Myman Dee and allocated quarters to us to which we were by no means entitled. If thou desirest similar favour, declare ye then also, that all protocols will broken for your sake! Proclaim it that ye too shall be beneficiaries of anyhowitty!” Lo, did unchill rumble in the land.

 

In the Kingdom of Kogitaria, elecotralis minor was at hand, and the inglorious quadrannium of King Jar-Jar Bellows was coming to an end. The term of Dinobetes Mellitus as a senateen had also been halted by the Magistratum, who ordered a do-over for Dinobetes and his perennial rival, Smarty Panties. The Magistratum decision hit Dinobetes so hard, that he hired a video-documentist to capture him, clad in sackcloth housecoat, in cacophonous lament to his deity.

 

Refreshed by his time in the presence of his deity and imbued with a renewed sense of piety, Dinobetes went out unto the Kogitarians to warn them of the perils of a further quadrennium of Jar-Jar Bellows. He cried out in a loud voice to them, saying “Fellow Kogitarians, thus saith my personal Lord gawd unto thee! Though I contend not in this electoralis, ye must reject Jar-Jar because I, Dinobetes am better to behold, I Dinobetes am more suavely enlightened, I Dinobetes Mellitus have dropped monster hits back to back to back and most of all, dear Kogitarians, you must reject Jar-Jar Bellows because my coital kung-fu is by far superior to his. And you know what they say – a king that cannot sling his thing like wing cannot sting with zing!” Yea, the unchill continued to rumble.

 

At senatii, the era of Rubberstampia in Exclesis was well underway, as Ser Naw Wal the new warden sought to bring down the veil of Chexanbalenciaga, which had hitherto ensured that the King acted always within the confines of the law of the land. “We have a King most divine, most holy – why shall we curb his powers? We trust him. We shall pass his laws without seeing them, because with faith in King Gambrach, we shall remove mountains! Rubberstampia…”

 

“…IN EXCELSIS!!!” the Nassholes responded giddily.

 

Behold, there was nary a Kingsman without some giddiness in his heart. None more so than Al-Meed, the Warden of the Impost. Ever since the borders with the countries neighbouring Jirria were shut, he had felt the spiritual monetary coefficient of the kingdom rising steadily in the barometer of his heart. In the presence of the Social Medianites and the Digital Perusites, he convened a meeting of his Impostors, easy to do as they were all now jobless, and charged them to believe even more in the Gambrachian Blockade. “Cast your eyes to the Far East and consider the Kingdom of Maochinista, who embarked upon this journey many years before we did. For four decades, the people wallowed in disease, poverty and starvation and their king even died. But once he died, the seed of the blockade came into maturity. And the whole world came to see and agree that a few million deaths is a small price to pay Big Border Glory. Jirria will be greater than Maochinista, never mind the noise of the attention-seekers pretending to be unduly suffering.”

 

Lo, there was even more unchill upon the land.

 

And it was in that day that word came unto the Twillistines that Bakky Arie had voyaged to Jandinia with parchmento legislatum for Gambrach to sign and turn into law. Wherefore the people asked, “Why hast Osinoshin, the Hand of the King, not appended the royal insignia to the parchment?” in response to which the Lovengers responded, “The King can be king from any gaddem kingdom in the world!” The people were unsatisfied and the unchill rumbled louder.

 

Further word then came that all the aides of the King’s Hand had been stripped eh-whey. Yea, before the Twillistines could protest, Lor-Lu Kon-Dey, the Hand’s Squire said to the people in a loud voice, “Believe ye not these machinations of febrile and noxious minds. The aides of the King’s Hand remain in situ. We may all be subject to the Deux Cabales in reality but come on, damnit, can we not even pretend to be orderly?”

 

If the people were confused, it did not last very long because Gar Bar, Gambrach’s scribe dusted off his megaphone and spake unto the people saying, “If wishes were horses, the aides of the King’s Hand would ride. Lo, they rode and now they ride no more, for Gambrach taketh their horses to ye olde town road and dismisseth them with royal flourish. And take heed, FFS, that ‘tis Gambrach, not any fricking Deux Cabales, who sacketh them. For even though they be principalities, there remaineth a name above all names!”

 

The people heard it and there was no gaddem chill in the entire Kingdom. The Deux Cabales chuckled and in Jandinia, Myman Dee commerated the anniversary of his three-score and two decades of existence.

The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: Nuptialem Ofege

jeremy-wong-weddings-K41SGnGKxVk-unsplash.jpg

Thus it was that Gambrach appointed his full council in Fecundia and was in conclave with them for three days and three nights, wherein they indulged in intense pontification. He charged them to be resolute and steadfast in their devotion to the way of next levelliana. And at the end of the Conclave, Gambrach blessed his Councillors, saying –

“Fellow Fecundians, we are now into my second and possibly final quadrannium – though, who knows? No one can see that far into the future. Anyway, this needs to be a quadrannium of great impact, catering to the body, soul and spirit of our Jirrian people. Behold, I have seen their sufferings and the disasters that befall them daily. And that is why I have appointed a brand new Councilor for Calamities – Lady Maroukh. I have known her since our pre-Apicurean days, when we were in the wilderness of CornuPoCia. She will avert all calamities in our land.”

“Oh, and by the way. You are all now Fecundians. Don’t come and talk to me about any gaddem thing unless you have first discussed it with Bakky Arrie. Is that clear?”

It was at this time that Lady Yeeshah, wife of Gambrach, took leave of Bedrock and traveled in the winged chariot to Jandinia to witness the Jandinian-Europiana jousting of Breggzit firsthand. Rumour-mongers also said she was taking time away from Caballee and Caballum – the mysterious deux cabales teleguiding Gambrach – but this is not what the Tword hath revealed to the Chronicler.

One day in Bedrock, two of Gambrach’s closest confidants, Myman Dee and Bakky Arrie, were in deep, silent, telepathic dialogue about the state of Jirriah when Mefilius – Warden of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar – stopped by to perform obeisance to Gambrach.

“Great and mighty Gambrach, it is a thing most joyous to be in your presence today and I greet you in the name of St. Prohibitas, our patron saint. Does His Majesty have anything he would like to ban from importation today?”

Caballee grunted and mumbled, “The land is brimming with prosperity at the moment and word is that neighbouring kingdoms are sending spies and working with saboteurs to cart away some of this prosperity.”

“Yes!” said Caballum. “We need to create a prosperity paradox and lock it all in, so that it can multiply. But how shall we do this?”

Just at that moment, FemCallamitus walked past, earnestly singing a song about a spirit leading him where his trust was without borders and where he could walk upon the water.

“What is this song you’re singing?” asked Caballee. “Spirit should lead you where trust is without, what?”

“Borders.” answered FemCallamitus.

“Without Borders. Sans frontiers.” said Caballum.

“Wonderful!” exclaimed Mefilius.

“Without borders and then you’ll walk where?”

“On the water.”

“Maigheeeeurd!” said Mefilius, giddy.

“What does this all mean?” asked Gambrach. “I don’t get it.”

Caballum answered, “FemCallamitus has brought us a prophecy from the gods. We will make our land without borders -apart from the coast.”

“We will ban the border? We can actually do that?” asked Gambrach incredulously.

“No, Sire. Not exactly. We shall get Al-Meed, the Warden of the Impost, to declare a closure. It will be glorious. Our prosperity will now have a chance to cook and multiply. And anyone that wishes to partake of it must come through the waters. FemCallamitus is a genius!”

And lo, all the land borders of the kingdom were closed in the peripheralio imbroglio. Yea, did any goods that could perish, perish in putrefaction at the Kingdom’s edges. And as as the stench rose to the heavens, the lovengers proclaimed, “this is the best peripheralio imbroglio in the global history of border closures. We are blessed to be ruled by such a king.”

But even as the praise reached the ears of Gambrach notwithstanding his Many Years Disease, his courtiers could see that the King was not happy. “What is wrong, Sire? Shall we also ban the ocean borders? Wouldst this please thee?”

Gambrach sighed.

“Pray, tell us, O great King. Your happiness is our spiritual food!”

Gambrach sighed again and said, “There is a calamity in my other room.”

“WHAT!?!?!?” Caballee bristled. “And I did not know about this? Neither did I see any sign?Guards!!!”

“Calm down, Caballee,” said the King. “You could not know. For the calamity that is wrought upon the room is its emptiness. Lady Yeeshah tarrieth.”

“That is indeed a calamity, Your Majesty. But guess what? In your great and unmatched wisdom, you appointed a Councillor for Calamities – let her do her job! And you are King! If you give the word, we shall find a new occupant for your other room! What nonsense.” agreed Caballum.

Now, there was a guest of a guest of a courtier who heard what Caballum had said, but only the tail end of it. Very quickly, he sent a pigeon into Whatsappia, the Book of Faces, Twilistia and all of Social Mediana that a royal wedding was afoot. And, maaaaaiiigheeeeeuuuuurd, when the people heard it, there was not a single gaddem chill in the land!