The 5 Stages of Political Grief

GEJBuhari

15 months after the elections and 12 after the swearing-in of the new administration, more than enough time has passed for everyone to move on from campaign rhetoric and be more forward looking. It doesn’t seem likely to happen anytime soon, though, as many on either side of the fence still seem somewhat upset, for various reasons. However, both sides are more alike than each would like to admit and have been going through the same emotional/grief cycle. How, you ask, given that one side’s candidate won and the other lost? I’ll try to explain it.

 

Denial

For the Jonathanians, there was a lot of hope in the power of his incumbency and while they did expect the elections to be close, they did not anticipate his loss at the polls. They tried to point out voting irregularities like extensive underage voting in some parts of the country and a blanket failure of card readers. But it was not to be. Jonathan had lost.

 

The Buharists on the other hand, could not believe that the candidate they had sold with so much gusto was not similarly embraced by the entire country. Newspapers, in succession, both local and foreign, pointed out that he was probably as problematic a candidate as Jonathan, with his own Achilles Heel. However, they sold the candidate they imagined and hoped Buhari would be. President Buhari went on to win the election, but only by 51% of the vote to Jonathan’s 46%.

 

Anger

The Jonathanians were aggrieved at their principal’s loss and nothing is more symbolic of that anger than former Minister Orubebe’s sit-in “We will not take it” protest while the results were being announced.

 

Meanwhile, between the elections and the President’s assumption of office, information began to filter through about the wanton excesses that had occurred in President Jonathan’s government and how some officials were keen to make restitution before the axe of Buhari was imbued with the power of office and came swinging down with a vengeance. The Buharists were angry that so many were willing to consider Jonathan for re-election, and that alleged looters thought they could plea-deal their way out of consequences for their actions.

 

Bargaining

Then came all the what-ifs and if-onlys. If only Jonathan had focused on the Niger Delta and on Power. If only he’d shown a steelier spine and not been such a Johnny-come-lately, allowing everyone and everything to sway him. And if only Buhari was a bit more communicative and empathetic and did not do things that lent credence to the pre-election suspicions of the Jonathanians. What if he’d actually hit the ground running and appointed a cabinet earlier? And if only when he spoke he didn’t actually say some of the things that he was being reported to have said.

 

Depression

This is the current stage in the cycle. Both camps are losing wind and are defending their principals with a little less enthusiasm now. The profligacy of the Jonathan administration has led to the alleged uncovering of swathes of cash buried away in septic tanks and false walls in people’s homes; revelations, almost new every morning, about the EFCC’s noose tightening around some former official or the other’s neck. President Buhari has also not shown too much dexterity outside the sphere of chasing down loot, with the economy reeling from his tentativeness in addressing its issues. More than a few of his supporters, even the most ardent ones have stopped just short of renouncing their followership.

 

Acceptance

This is where we urgently need everyone to get to, especially the President’s cabinet. Looking back so frequently and pointing accusatory fingers only opens the door for them to be measured against the same yardsticks, as they are all coming to find. The supporters also need to fully accept the flaws of their respective principals with equanimity. Both have huge chinks in their armour and anyone who sticks their neck too far out in their defence will probably end up with a lot of egg on their face. We need to accept that GEJ wasn’t all bad and Buhari isn’t all good. We need to also accept that our fate, at least for the immediate future, lies in Buhari’s hands & his failure has grave implications for all of us.

keep-calm-and-move-on-4367

Hopefully, acceptance will mean that as supporters we can put away triumphalism, snark and I-told-you-so; and that the current administration is looking firmly forward. Let’s move on.

 

 

NB.

What about supporters of Kowa Party (and other “mushroom parties”) and those who remained on the fence in undeclared fealty?

EXCLUSIVE!!! O. Methu Selah: Official Statement on the PDP’s Recent Change of Heart

pdp-logo

Dear Members of our great party, the People’s Democratic Party, the greatest political party in all of the African hemisphere, peace and salutations from our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, and the Holy Prophet Muhammad (swt) to you. As always, we remember that there is God in everything we are doing.

 

We know that certain microscopic sections of the general populace would have many believe otherwise, but we are a listening party. Our people say that one cannot have the biggest head in Africa, without also being blessed with the biggest ears. Actually, our people don’t really say that, but you will see where we are going with this. We have the biggest ears and we heard the murmuring and displeasure of all the little people in our great party. You know how the English also say you should look at the ant and see what it is doing.

 

So we have looked at all the ants that say they too want to contest for the presidency and have decided, in the democratic nature of our party and its name, to fling the door open to all contestants for the next 48 hours. Goodluck Jonathan is still our sole candidate, but we are a democratic party.

 

To my brothers and sisters who we are not officially allowed to acknowledge, those Nigerian Ambassadors of Transformation (haha, see how we coded it?), know that your labour is not in vain. Your efforts to contrive a consensus across the length and breadth of Nigeria, and the billions of naira that were invested in the venture shall certainly not go to waste. As you traversed our vast nation on a divine purpose of political evangelism, rest assured that we remain converted. Your sweats that you are sharing are crying out for you. Goodluck Jonathan is our sole candidate, but it is open to other candidates to throw their hats into the ring. This is democracy at work, and this is the beauty of democracy.

 

To those who paid for the nomination forms, knowing that the party had settled on a sole candidate and knowing further that this is still the party’s position, please come and collect your forms. This being Nigeria, there will be no refunds and returns. Do not think, however, that this is the sole reason why we have permitted you to try your luck against Goodluck, our sole candidate. Afterall, the good Nigerians who contributed over N100m to the President’s nomination-form-picking fund are more than able to take it upon themselves to refund the fee. No. We are the People’s Democratic Party and we realise that we must always be democratic. As lawyers say, democracy must not only be done, it must be seen to be done.

 

We will publish the rules for our convention soon enough, so that you and your supporters will know how to contend against our sole pre-endorsed candidate. We do not want anyone to be caught by surprise, and we will therefore ensure as level a playing field as possible, for yourselves and for our sole pre-endorsed candidate. In the regrettably sad but highly event that you do not prevail over our sole candidate, we trust that you will be democratic statesmen and give him your full support in February 2015.

 

– O. Methu Selah, for the PDP

Presidential Media Chat: The Language Problem

The presidential media chat of the 4th of May 2014 was another opportunity for Nigerians to hear their president “unscripted”. As with most  media chats he has hosted since becoming president, yesterday’s also provided canon fodder for those looking for gaffes to fuel the next internet meme.

In his previous media chats, President Jonathan provided such timeless soundbites as “Stock market business is not a jackpot business”, “Wikileaks is just like a beer parlour gossip”, and “Libya is just like someone is carrying a pot of water on his head and it just fell and broke, GBOA.” When asked to comment on allegations of his wife being investigated for money laundering after reportedly being apprehended with $13million dollars at an airport, his response was “Have you seen $13m in cash? Is it something one person can carry? Can only you carry it?”

Last night, his response to a question on the claims by ousted CBN governor that $50billion in oil proceeds was unaccounted for, was first of all “Oil money gets missing in every administration.” Then, after some wiggling and wriggling, he concluded that “$50billion cannot be missing and America will not know. America will know. It is their money. Where will you keep $50billion dollars?” And this was after he relayed Sanusi’s claim that the money was missing from over 18 months’ proceeds.

There is the argument to be made, with some merit, that these expressions are unbecoming of the president of any country, not only from a language perspective, but also from one of logic. If one person cannot carry $13m in cash, how about 10 people? When last did Patience Jonathan travel without an entourage? And if never, what suggests she couldn’t have arranged one on the said occasion? $50billion, over 18 months, shared between several people is not a lump sum block of money waiting to be seen and known by America.

However, it may be that the language problem exceeds the logic obstacle. A PhD having challenges with either language or logic is something of an oxymoron, but here we are. I do not intend this to be disparaging but it appears that meanings frequently get lost in translation  when the President transits from the language he thinks in to the one he is required to speak in. It is a problem many multilingual people with unequal levels of fluency would face.

For instance, and this is probably an indictment on me, when I’m speaking in Yoruba, I find myself thinking or processing the conversation in English. Thus, sometimes, I am halfway through a “transliteration” before I correct myself and use the proper Yoruba phrases. For many native Yoruba speakers, it is the reason why you’d hear someone say “What did you carry in the exam/race” when asking for the person’s position – Ki l’o gbe?

It may be the reason why the President’s wife, tearful, lamented,”There is God o! There is God o!”, for either ‘God is real’ or ‘God sees all this’.

It may be why the President said, last week, “I  have lived three quarters of my life on earth” (and the other quarter on Mars, it was joked) when he meant that he had expended 3 quarters of his life expectancy. Or why he said, last night, when defending but not really defending MEND, “MEND are not terrorists…I’m not defending MEND because I’m from the Niger Delta”, when a clearer version was probably “Do not think that because I’m from the Niger Delta I’m defending MEND.” I do not know. I’m guessing.

Besides problems with translations and transliterations however, there are also issues with  his unique choice of words. “Every administration has missing oil money”; “Terrorism in Nigeria is because, well you know, if you want to attack the Black race, and Nigeria is the centre of the Black race…”; “They have advised me, I won’t say from where, that I shouldn’t attack Sambisa Forest, so that the Boko Haram won’t melt into the general populace…”; “We are the current champions, we hold the trophy, we hold the shield – let APC inform us who is the challenger…” all do leave a lot to be desired.

Many also complained about the very basic level of his illustrations. For example, to explain rebasing, he used a farming allegory about taking account of more produce than was previously customary. I thought it was a functional example, really, but this brings me to the wider issue of the general levels of education, reasoning and argument in Nigeria. The President is our everyman. He is the people in your neighbourhood, the people that you meet when you’re walking down the street; the people that you meet each day. Millions of us cannot write letters or emails without several lines of bad grammar, many cannot hold a rational argument (or any argument for that matter) without quickly descending into insults and ad hominems, and millions more are functionally illiterate. L’etat, c’est nous. Le President, c’est nous aussi.

We are unlikely to have an Obama/Cameronesque leader, in my opinion, until we become like the people that Obama and Cameron lead – in business, in national conscience, in political engagement and, most of all, in learning and literacy.

I suspect that the majority of the Nigerian people would have found last night’s media chat satisfactory. Or, at the very worst, the President’s performance did not affect his approval rating by too much. For people that would harp on eloquence and inspiring speech though, it must be said that the number one contender from those challenging the PDP for its trophy is not much better. So, will use of language really count when we go to the polls in February?

 

The Roundup – 6th March 2014

We begin our roundup this week with the question on all our minds since it became known that the NNPC could not account for a huge, huge, sum of money, somewhere between “only” $10.8bn and $20bn: WHERE IS OUR MONEY?

We ask the bees, where is our honey

Comedians, where is our funny

For those at the top

Those few that we prop

We ask them ‪#WhereIsOurMoney

Well, in what was seen as an attempt to force the hand of the federal government, finance minister and coordinating minister for the economy, Dr. Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, issued a statement calling for a forensic audit of the NNPC’s accounts. The statement was issued shortly after the CBN Governor, Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, was fired under circumstances most watchers connect to him blowing the whistle on the NNPC billions.

Ngozi, she’s gone now and floored it

Tentatively, watchers applaud it

The money that’s lost

She said to her boss

Will be found in forensic audit

CNN sacked Piers Morgan. Though it was probably because of his show’s dismal ratings, many say it was because of his crusade against the National Rifle Association and its reverence for the Second Amendment to the American Constitution, even in the face of frequent massacres. He’ll be fine, though, that Piers.

There once was a journo named Piers

A Brit in the States for 3 yrs

For verbal affray

With the NRA

He’s off now to find new frontiers

Speaking of massacres, there has been absolutely no let up in North-Eastern Nigeria. Not to try to attribute varying weights to what have all been hugely tragic events, but the killing of about 40 students in their school was particularly horrendous. The raw wound of the national psyche was further opened when the federal government insisted on going ahead with its controversial centenary jamboree only a day or two afterwards.

100yrs been in the making

Did ripening but never did taking

And in our fresh grief

Our mourner-in-chief

Will proceed with the celebrating

When Barry was faced with the loss

Of 20 kids & the school’s boss

He broke down and cried

Well here 40 died

And Johnny does not give a toss

The irony of commemorating the centenary only a few weeks before the national conference was not lost to some. Here, a tweet from OAP Temisan Okomi:

For patchwork ten decades ago

Our government has put on a show

But in a few weeks

Our conference seeks

To answer: to stay or to go?

Whenever the Nigerian oil cabal is taken on, it fights back. A scarcity followed the initial investigation into fuel subsidies a few years ago, a scarcity has now followed allegations of $20billion being unaccounted for. The joke is now in circulation, where Nigerians apologise to the cabal and tell them they can keep the $20billion as long as they released petrol supplies again.

We’d best leave the oil thieves alone

For each time their cover is blown

A shortage arises

A scarcity crisis

To punish for loot now forgone

Whenever we spotlight the murk

The system soon goes full berserk

Will we stay the course

Or show our remorse

And simply now all face our work?

In South Africa, the trial of “blade runner” Oscar Pistorius for the murder of his girlfriend has commenced. Guilty or not guilty? We’ll soon find out.

Post-Oscars, there’s Oscar Pistorius

On trial, for murder inglorious

He shot in the dark

Extinguished her spark

His defence, it’s felt, might be spurious

The President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria has advised Governors that it is in their interest and the interest of their states to seek cordial relations with him. He said, “A number of politicians feel that the best thing to do is to be abusing Mr. President, abusing the Federal Government and so on. You are elected to develop your state, I think the best thing is to have good relationship with the centre, whether you have a pin or you don’t have but one day it will come. Wearing boxing gloves, jumping into the boxing ring to face Mr. President does not help the development of any state.

A warning today from the Rock

To guv’nors whose tongues run amok

If you want progress

Then try some finesse

And stop criticising Goodluck

Finally, we end with an event still causing ripples on the interwebs. In Nigeria, we once had a greatly feared dictator, Sani Abacha. He died in office under circumstances that have never been officially explained. The government of Goodluck Jonathan decided to grant him a posthumous award, along with other past heads of state for being  “Outstanding promoters of unity, patriotism and national development.” Fear not, Lord Luggard, Flora Shaw and Queen Elizabeth were also given awards.

The families of Gani Fawehinmi and MKO Abiola rejected the purported centenary awards to their progenitors. Nobel laureate, Wole Soyinka, rejected his award as well, because, he said, he could not share an award with the late Abacha, who was a “murderer and thief of no redeeming quality”.

Well, one of Abacha’s sons responded to Professor Soyinka. You can read his nicely drafted letter here. Of course, many took umbrage and a learned friend has written a response to Sadiq Abacha here.

Phew! Long intro! The now long-awaited limerick follows –

Rejecting co-gong with dictator

The Laureate, longtime provocator

Was richly chastised

By sonly reprise

Though son was a pampered spectator

The “Chronmericks” of Stella

Stella1

For about 5 months between 2013-14, former fundraiser for the presidential campaign of President Jonathan, and his erstwhile minister of aviation, Ms Stella Oduah, was under fire. The history of her various battles was captured, at various points, in the compendium of limericks below.

Her first trial came after a tragic spate of air crashes, when she held a press conference and declared, “We do not pray for accidents but it is inevitable… We do everything to ensure that we do not have accidents, but it is an act of God.” She probably meant something closer to “force majeure” and not that these things would happen regardless of how vigilant we mortals were, but she was roundly ridiculed for the statement…

The question that’s now on the table-

Is it true or is it a fable

That aircraft must drop

Accidents won’t stop

It’s really all inevitable?

Shortly thereafter, it emerged that she had given her approval for one of the departments under her supervision to purchase 2 armoured BMWs at a cost of  N255million (US$1.6million). Investigations were conducted, leading to a hearing at the Federal Legislature. There, the contractor who imported the cars, a long established auto-industry mogul, admitted bringing the vehicles in via import waivers meant for the Lagos State Sports Festival from the previous year, to avoid tax. As for the minister, she said she realized that the money involved exceeded the statutory ministerial authority (of N100 million) and she qualified her approval of the internal memo with the words “do the needful”. As such, it purportedly then became the government department’s job to see that the cars were procured lawfully. Cue a nation-full of raised eyebrows. Her Director from the department then testified that the cars were not meant for the minister, oh no! They were for dignitaries from IATA and other ministries of aviation. Cue a nation-full of “yeah right!”…

The ministry gave Cos the nod

To buy a Bavarian pod

When you seek reform

It must be the norm

To defend against Acts of God

 ——

Ah Cosmas, what manner of goof?

You who were genteelly aloof?

Your attitude’s lax

To evasion of tax

Your bullshit is not bullet-proof!

 ——

She ended her evidence, gleeful

Knowing that it was deceitful

As nothing that’s wrong

Is righted for long

By simply adding “Do the needful”.

——

 

Wasn’t the best of responses

He told us, now look here you dunces

The cars are for guests

That do all the tests

And give all our planes second chances

 ——

Today we are needful of grace

A waiver to hold us in place

When she disapproved

Requests with “approved”

‘Twas needful to throw out her case.

 

The heat didn’t really die down with the hearing at the House. Not too long afterwards, an “assassination attempt” on Ms Oduah was reported. Luckily for her, she was not in the ambushed car. However, the incident was not reported to the Police until 48 hours afterwards and as for the police investigation, it’s probably best not to say anymore…

She purchased those cars, not in jest

And also a bulletproof vest

The House’s report

Is just writing sport

Now sympathy trumps an arrest

——

 

Turned out the Beamer’s weren’t costly

And we were outraged unjustly

To questions about

Corruptional doubt

Our Prez’dent has replied “robustly”

But Stella kept working hard, especially at the international airports, keeping on with the expansions and remodeling. Then, she announced something called the Aerotropolis, that would result in the creation of a world record 10 million jobs! Cynicism trailed almost all she was doing by this time and the jobs projection was met with the greatest skepticism possible…

10 MILLION JOBS, they chorus

And no, don’t say it’s bogus

The latest update

From Aunt ‪#Stellagate

Is the brand new Aerotropolis

By this time, one of her predecessors in office, Chief Femi Fani-Kayode, had published a spiritual hypothesis on plane crashes in Nigeria. He also tweeted this gem about the person of Ms Oduah:

Ah, Fani, what a fella

His tweet last night was hella

Deziani’s got poise

Okonjo rules boys

And oh, what he said about Stella!

Time passed and just when it seemed that the whole fiasco had blown over, Sahara Reporters accused her of certificate forgery.

For Princess, a new revelation

Times Premium in investigation

Is casting a doubt

(Abeg, I can’t shout!)

On Stella Oduah’s education

 ——

In spite of the Grand Renovation

It’s tricky, this school situation

Should all that she’s built

Absolve her of guilt

If she fibbed ’bout her education?

She was then accused of barring State Security Service personnel from the international airports. This was probably a silly rumour and her team promptly denied it.

Ms Stella’s again in the news

Bizarre, but they say she’s refused

To permit access

By the SSS

To airports, and they’ve blown a fuse

Finally, after months of robust silence from the presidency on all matters that concerned her, she was chopped in a cabinet reshuffle. We don’t expect her separation from the president to be permanent however, given their history.

The needful now done somewhat late

Will agencies investigate

Or will this her boot

Be mere parachute

No info, so we speculate

 ——

L.Maku says they were not sacked

That in fact, the President’s backed

Their wish to engage

Political stage

And give their home states what they’ve lacked

 ——

Ah Stella, the Actress of God

From Ministrial BeeM-ers now shod

A tardy farewell

Though we know too well

Not really, for she’s Johnnie’s blood

Sanusi’s Suspension: Right or Wrong?

Better Days... (L-R): Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, Goodluck Jonathan

Better Days…

Today, the 20th of February 2014, the President’s Spokesperson, Dr Reuben Abati, announced that President Jonathan had suspended Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria, and had appointed an Acting Governor in his place. Sanusi’s first tenure of 5 years ought to have ended in a few months’ time and he was widely reported not to be interested in a second term, to which he would ordinarily have been entitled.

The announcement of his suspension follows recent reports of turbulence between the erstwhile CBN over several issues, including, allegedly, Sanusi’s insistence on the existence of a huge financial remittance deficit by the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation.

Does the President have the power to suspend or otherwise remove the Governor from office? Well, sorta, kinda. Section 11 of the CBN Act of 2007 states as follows –

11(1) A person shall not remain a Governor, Deputy Governor or Director of the [Central] Bank [of Nigeria] if he is –

(a) a member of any Federal or State legislative house; or

(b) a Director, officer or employee of any bank licensed under the Banks and Other Financial Institutions Act.

11(2) The Governor, Deputy Governor or Director shall cease to hold office in the Bank if he –

(a) becomes of unsound mind, or owing to ill health, is incapable of carrying out his duties;

(b) is convicted of any criminal offence by a court of competent jurisdiction except for traffic offences or contempt proceedings arising in connection with the execution or intended execution of any power or duty conferred under this Act or the Banks and Other Financial Institutions Act;

(c)  is guilty of a serious misconduct in relation  to his duties under this Act;

(d) is disqualified or suspended from practising his profession in Nigeria by order of a competent authority made in respect of him personally;

(e) becomes bankrupt;

(f)                is removed by the President:

Provided that the removal of the Governor shall be supported by two-thirds majority of the Senate praying that he be so removed.

(3) The Governor or any Deputy Governor may resign his office by giving at least three months’ notice in writing to the President of his intention to do so and any Director may similarly resign by givingat least one month’s notice in writing to the President of his intention to do so.

(4) If the Governor, any Deputy Governor of Director of the Bank dies, resigns or otherwise vacates his office before the expiry of the tem for which he has been appointed, there shall be appointed a fit and proper person to take his place on the Board for the unexpired period of the term of appointment in the first instance if the vacancy is that of –

(a) the Governor or a Deputy Governor, the appointment shall be made in the manner prescribed by section 8(1) and (2) of this Act; and

(b) any Director, the appointment shall be made in the manner prescribed by section 10(1) and (2) of this Act.

If we look at 11(2)(f), which was highlighted, I believe we can conclude that the President has taken a legitimate first step in removing Sanusi from the position of Governor. However, the removal is what we lawyers like to describe as “inchoate” until it is ratified by a two-thirds majority of the Senate. Can Senate President, David Mark, deliver a two-thirds majority to the President, to rubber-stamp Sanusi’s removal? One is confused with all the defections and cross-defections in the National Assembly of late, but we will just have to wait and see.

The Past Few Weeks in Limericks

The Tribune reports a bizarre story, where students of a particular secondary school in Osun State, reacting to the governor’s pot-pourri revamp, all came to school wearing religious garb. Christians in choir robes, Muslims in veils and African religionists in, well, “fetish” regalia.

In Osun right now there’s confusion

In secondary school institution

Rauf did a mix

And now he must fix

The MusChristTrado revolution

You must be weary of my unending coverage of the political defecations now. No, that was not a typo. The Parties are shitting on each other, aren’t they? Well, the PDP has now lost, for the 2nd or third time in its history, the country’s former vice president. The question has been asked what will happen if he fails to get the APC’s presidential nomination, being its newest member and all… Guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

The party they want to cremate

As all these old hands relocate

Will lead to the loss

Of national gloss

The defectors Atiku-late*

————-

He’s been here & there & all over

Political shaker and mover

When you oscillate

Like he’s done of late

You’re king of the Party jan’glova*

Now, how does Atiku’s defection/resignation/porting affect previous political calculations? It is said to be an open secret that the current Speaker of the House is poised to join the APC and become its presidential nominee. The chatter on this has been a little subdued over the past week. More waiting and seeing to be done.

What happens when Speakers defect

What should be the legal effect

If they stay in-seat

‘zit legal conceit

Or is it a power redirect?

Ah, yes. There’s also been the matter of a legislative filibuster, which we haven’t seen for a few generations now. Buoyed by the recent influx into its fold, making it the majority party in the lower house, subject of course to how the courts eventually treat defectors, the APC has asked its members to block all executive bills. This is not because they enjoy being a nuisance to the President, no. They say they’re doing it to compel him to return the “rule of law”. We’ve already discussed how that means several things and nothing all at once in Nigeria.

To strip PDP of its lustre

The APC men in their cluster

Are “taking a stand

For good gov’nance” and

Will do so by a filibuster

————————–

Absorbing the past’s imperfections

To shore up for coming elections

Are you really new

Do you have a clue

Or defects are mere defecations?

We return this week to the case of Danbaba Suntai, governor-on-gardening-leave of Taraba State. He appeared on a most pitiful interview on Sahara Reporters, though the State has since feebly alleged that the video is a fake. I know who I believe.

The guv’nor who crashed with his plane

Whose aides say is fit & is sane

In video log

On Sahara’s blog

Admits he can’t yet take the strain

——————–

Danbaba’s aides cleary can’t think

That someone so close to the brink

Was left to admit

That he wasn’t fit

And that he’d been prone to the drink

One of GEJ’s longtime tormentors, Mallam Nasir El-Rufai was invited by the SSS to explain certain remarks he’d made. On the good Mallam’s release, he chose to confirm the rumour about Presidential Sniper Teams, first given credence by former President Obasanjo in his open letter to President Goodluck Jonathan.

Our Mallam Has Sighted The List

But Says He Won’t Give Us The Gist

For All Of That Tripe

’bout Rulers That Snipe

We Cannot All Help But Be Pissed

Now, who leaked that snipering list

—————————-

That’s got APC in red mist?

Was it worth revealing

Their targets, who reeling

Now fret if they really exist

The PDP kicked out 80-year old erstwhile chairman, Bamanga Tukur, and President Jonathan promptly appointed him as head of the 115-year old railway corporation. Nothing more to be said about this geriatric pairing, except maybe a previous word on the railways. Oh, and that this was still a huge relief as the word on the streets was that Tukur was going to be appointed the minister of defence!

So Tukur was not for Defence

Their rapture must be so immense

Those poor Jonathanians

Who face Social Medians

And randomly take offence

—————————

The railways aren’t yet slow enuf

Journeys insufficiently ruff

So we got an Ancient

To make us more patient

By fixing up all of that stuff

 

If you’re Nigerian and you haven’t yet heard this leaked customer care agent call, where have you been???

While checking on MTN import

Etisalat Uche gave comfort

Was falsely accused

Of Snatchery-Abuse

And being the called party’s consort

And finally, to St. Peter’s square, where the Pope released a dove to the heavens. The dove didn’t quite make it that far, though as a crow attacked it. A form of Mene Mene Tekel to the onlooking crowd, or what does this mean?

When Francis let go of the bird

A shriek & a cackle were heard

A seagull & crow

Impeded its flow

In scenes superstitious, absurd

*Atiku-late was coined by @Shimoshi1. Follow him on twitter for more witticisms.

The Week Gone By

1. We begin this week’s roundup with the goings-on in the People’s Democratic Party and statements from those who remain in the party, as well as those who have defected. The President, in a moment of uncommon frankness and lucidity, confirmed what many already suspected – most of the misfits in politics chose to “serve” not because they really wanted to serve, but because they were jobless.

Our leader, in Freudian slip

Has given his colleagues the flip

We do this enjoyment

Because unemployment

Has held Nigeria in its grip

2. After many months of wrangling, in-fighting and defections to the opposition, Bamanga Tukur was forced to give up his position as the Chairman of the PDP. However, the President swiftly promised that he would “reward” the 80-year old (!!!) with a juicier position than party chairman (he actually said “tougher” but let’s all agree he was being euphemistic). Well, he’s fulfilled this promise, as Tukur is set to be announced as the new Minister of Defence.

There was an old man named Bamanga

Led ruling clique of Bonga-Bonga

Was forced to resign

Against his design

Where is he? Asimbonanga!

So, Tukur, Defence! What a hoot!

A platinum gold parachute

The octogenarian

For being non-sectarian

Will watch o’er the gun and the boot.

3. After being the spearhead of the group that threw a spanner in the cogs at the PDP convention, which has led to the osmosis/diffusion from the PDP to the APC, Atiku Abububakar has announced that he will consult all over the nation on whether or not he should join the APC. Uhmmm…..

The grand architect of the chasm

Split PDPs light in its prism

Says he will consult

Collate the result

‘Fore joining APCs orgasm

4. Femi Fani-Kayode’s been writing again. The piece itself is evidence of how far technology and democracy have come, as my brain cannot process the consequence of its equivalent during the Abacha or early Obasanjo years. It contains 12 steps that GEJ must follow to achieve Illuminatic enlightment (or bring back peace to Nigeria, whatever), which include lying prostrate before 7 living elementals and remaining there until each had pronounced absolution. There were some salacious tidbits too.

That piece, though lampooned, is quite handy

It showed the modus operandi

The royals-in-castle

Relieve all our hassle

With kai kai and Ol’ Mama Brandy

5. This one is for Pastor Chris Okotie, renowned grandliloquent man of the cloth, who has flagged off his perennial presidential campaign by telling Catholics the Pope is the antichrist and that  they’re all going to hell.

Our dear Pastor truly excites

His church with grammatical flights

But his inclination

To rule our nation

Is mostly all saccharine delights

6. The President recently signed the Same Sex Marriage Prohibition Bill into law. While banning gay marriage (which was already unlawful under the old marriage laws), many argue it actually goes as far as also making private homosexual conduct illegal. It kicked up a storm on the interblogs.

The old law was no more effectual

To deal with love gay, though consensual

To make up the time

It now is a crime

In Naija to be homosexual

There was once a Nigerian law

That made twitterati jaw-jaw

‘Bout culture, religion

“Colonialisation”

Intolerance, hatred and more

This loud and impassioned debate

About how adults may relate

Has kicked up a storm

About what the norm

Should be in a secular state

7. The Pastor of a popular church, accused last year of adultery, and promising a “robust response” to the allegations and accusations (yet to be delivered; that chapter is probably closed now), was blessed, by a visiting Pastor, with a Rolls Royce reported to be worth $1million

Today we must all with one voice

Give hearty thanks, praise & rejoice

There once was abuse

But now robust news

Of shiny new gleaming Rolls Royce

8. Since we’re on the subject of robust responses, how about that Okonjo-Iweala lady? Nigeria’s Minister of Finance and the Coordinating Minister of the Economy (and one-fifth of Nigeria’s Pentocracy or a quarter of its Jezebellocracy, if you believe Femi Fani-Kayode), provided a response over 100 pages long to the 50 questions she had been asked by the House Committee on Finance. Their aides must have had their weekends ruined.

The minister’s response robust

To justify huge sacred trust

So now we all wait

What will be the fate

Of all the Assembly men’s lust?

9. Two shootings on either side of the political spectrum. One was Senator Magnus Abe, of the opposition APC, the other, President Jonathan’s head of Photoshop.

They shot Magnus point-blank with rubber

And injured his somatic flubber

T’was minimal force

The cops say, of course

He’s off to London to recover

Goodluck’s chief pic shooter’s been shot

With bullets, not lenses, his lot

And live ones, not rubber

But yay, the old lubber

Is resting in a hospital cot

All in One Place: Limericks Of October

#STELLAGATE

She ended her evidence, gleeful

Knowing that it was deceitful

As nothing that’s wrong

Is righted for long

By simply adding “Do the needful”.

 

Today we are needful of grace

A waiver to hold us in place

When she disapproved

Requests with “approved”

‘Twas needful to throw out her case.

 

Ah Cosmas, what manner of goof?

You who were genteelly aloof?

Your attitude’s lax

To evasion of tax

Your bullshit is not bullet-proof!

 

Wasn’t the best of responses

He told us,now look here you dunces

The cars are for guests

That do all the tests

And give all our planes second chances

 

The ministry gave Cos the nod

To buy a Bavarian pod

When you seek reform

It must be the norm

To defend against Acts of God

 

The question that’s now on the table-

Is it true or is it a fable

That aircraft must drop

Accidents won’t stop

It’s really all inevitable?

 

GEJ’S PILGRIMAGE TO ISRAEL

Our president’s off to pay homage

To Jesus; return in His image

We pray that our lives

Will tranfigurise

On his return from the pilgrimage

 

The people unsheathed their talons

He committee-cised, played along

But when SHE arrived

“Ah, Baruch” he cried

Embraced her with a “Shalom!”

 

ASUU STRIKE

Ol’ Labby, Goodluck’s head of lament

Has had yet another “oops” moment

The govt signed

Labaran opined

Without understanding th’agreement

 

So Johnny, when last on the air

Said ASUU was being unfair

Their strike isn’t right

They misuse their might

Unlike them, the govt’s sincere.

 

SPORT

The Manchester United

Now run by Scot un-Knighted

Is down in a rut

A stagnancy glut

And #Arsenal fans are delighted!

 

Sachin, Sachin Tendulkar

For him we down sambucca

Now he has retired

The world’s most admired

Three cheers, we doff hats to you sir!

 

SHOWBIZ

Hear Bruce & Kris split up today

Two decades, two years, put away

We keep up no more

Our sympathies pour

To requests to butt out, we say “K”.

 

OTHER POLITICIANS

The “Market-Woman General”

The question becomes seminal

Pray, what does she do?

I don’t know, do you?

And yet they had a carnival.

 

Ah, Fani, what a fella

His tweet last night was hella

Deziani’s got poise

Okonjo rules boys

But oh, what he said about Stella!

 

At Bukky’s some poor paupers died

11 or “just” 4 (who lied?)

But no one will pay

As we learnt today

DPO’s been ordered to slide.

 

PSYCHOPHANCY

In times of acute tribalism

Days of debased “parapoism”

We all have one hope

Let’s bathe with the soap

Of scented Akpabioism

 

It’s said to be just like Awoism,

Zikism and Nkrumanism

Zik, Kwame we know

But where will we go

To find the roots of Akpabioism?

 

We need to ditch this prism

Through which we’ve caused our schism

Our health,roads & schools

Our rage at “those fools”

Just needs patriotism

 

 

 

All in One Place: The Limericks of September

NIGERIA – CURRENT AFFAIRS

Our problem is not electric

Though without it, things are hectic

Those things that disturb

Will no more perturb

Once we go biometric

 

We’re lucky to still be alive

Still huffing to try to survive

This week just went past

Dark shadows were cast

As BH snuffed three forty-five

 

He said it with little compunction

It’s proof of our abject dysfunction

It wasn’t a joke

Our prez took a poke

“Nigerians celebrate corruption”

 

So, twitter mirrors life

With all its toils and strife

As we harp on marriage

A Gusau entourage

Of 8,000 want to be wifed

 

They gathered from far for Aliko

Days after the rip from Atiku

To honour the man

Their oil masterplan

No plans of their own, brains like Tico

 

Is Shekau dead or alive?

Does he have 4 lifetimes or 5?

JTF say none

His lifetimes are done

But man, his last video was live.

 

So Jonny the prez rang the bell

A big deal for him, we can tell

But For Those Who Have Died

Whose Bodies Were Fried

The Gong Was, alas, their Death knell

 

Old Goody is off to the Apple

In posse of 600 people

Or 8 score and 10

It’s beyond our ken

The number is simply not simple

 

All over our people are dying

The bombers our fears multiplying

The kill in God’s name

Or so they proclaim

And yet, His Agape defying.

 

CHARLES TAYLOR’S APPEAL

Charles Taylor is not feeling well

He’s finished, far as he can tell

No freedom no more

A 1yr term for

Each diamond to Naomi Campbell

 

Ol’Charlie appealed at The Hague

Convicted on grounds that were vague

Least that’s what he held

His appeal was quelled

A 50-year Term is his plague

 

DAVID “THE HEAVYWEIST BOXER” HAYE

Haye was to box up with Fury

No longer, he’s got an injury

But knowing that guy

He cut up his eye

So he could vacay to Missouri

 

THE ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE

Our friend Paul Di Canio got canned

For reasons we all understand

A sole point in five

Machismo alive

It’s time for a gaffer more bland.

 

DiCanio of Wear has been sacked

Tho clearly no Chutzpah was lacked

They said he was mad

Ciao bella,good lad

As only 1 point has been racked

 

Moyes has aged since May

His white hair’s turning grey

Though used to the boos

Can’t walk in those shoes

Can’t make his players play.

 

Manuel and David Moyes

Must worry’bout their boys

And all of the fans

Online and in stands

There, making angry noise

 

The scousers today, game was bent

Lost to the team from the Solent

But Suarez is back

Next week in attack

They must not lose hope or relent

 

José & this matter with Mata

The former does not like the latter

A pity, because

Last season he was

Blues’ best,that’s the truth I don’t flatter

 

Le Prof has finally spent

On class, and not just on rent

From Madrid a thrill

They gave us Özil

To thrive, from whence Bale went.

 

Did you see the fantasy sale

That’s making all football heads wail

The priciest man

In Galactico land

Is Gareth (not Christian) Bale

 

POPE FRANCIS

Habemus a Papam so liberal

A real right wing champion & General

He prays for the gays

No judging, he says

There’s grace for all, urban & rural

 

JAMES AND FK

From London, more Efe bravado

Though he’s still incommunicado

His homes will be sealed

For it’s been revealed

He owns a whole third of Oando

 

The placid interval was short

His mind was to become a fort

But as she denies

Alleges he lies

He’s asked her to meet him in court.

 

He’s had an epiphany

Result of his infamy

Loving or lost

Booming or bust

Discretion’s best says Fani