Month: October 2023

The Simulation of Fearsome Wee Kay

/ Scribe of the Tword / 2 Comments

Thus it was, that the proceedings of the magisterium of Shytown came to nought. The Jirrian High Magistratum considered the tenderment by the advocates of Arty Kool that Shiwajun’s certificato was fugazious. But the Magistrators would neither see nor hear any evil of Shiwajun, and declared Arty Kool’s tenderment to be out of time.

“And even if it were not out of time, this tenderment beareth not the mark of certification of the magisterium at Shytown. Hence, this magisterium hast no way of knowing if it be authentic or not.”

“My Lords, do ye make this pronouncement unaware of the immense irony here?” asked Arty Kool, dumbfounded by it all.

Lo, the people heard it and, you know what? There was chill in the gaddem land. None was moved outside of the host encamped around Shiwajun at Bedrock. “My JuryInGalilee, thy job is now safe for a quadrannium,” Shiwajun was said to have remarked to his new scribe.

JarJar Beer Miller had yielded his rubberstampia in excelsis to become King Shiwajun’s personal Chief Warden at Bedrock and rejoiced at the news from the High Magisterium. His colleague in Shiwajun’s APINTIB (Association of Previously In Trouble in Bidenistan), the ThisOne of Ohgunsoppotamia also hailed the reprieve for Shiwajun.

Fearsome Wee Kay, the former King of Rivissinia also welcomed the good news. For though he was Padipalian, Shiwajun (an Apicurean, remember) had appointed him as Prefect of Boo-Jar. This was in recognitation of Fearsome’s exploits and exploitation of the Yakurbian Necomongers in Rivissinia during electoralis. Fearsome was the most prominent member of the Fatal Five, the Padipalian Kings who openly conspired against their own champion at electoralis, Arty Kool.

Wee Kay had ruled over Rivissinia for 2 quadrannia and was bound to yield the throne, by the laws of the land. He could have followed his brother Kings to become a Nasshole but he was far too machiavellian to join a host of rubberstamping teapots in their glorious incompetence. No, he had grander designs. He would be Prefect over Boo-Jar and he would remain overlord of the Rivissinians.

“How shalt thou accomplish this?” his orchestra asked.

“Simple. I will employ the spectactular science of, erh what? Simulation.”

“Simulation?”

“Yes. To simply it for you, I will station a similarity to myself to sit on the throne. Not a simpleton, though I would effectively expect a simp, such that I will simultaneously administer Boo-Jar and Rivissinia by means of a simulator. He will speak but people will hear my voice. He will act but their eyes will see only me.”

Thus, Fearsome anointed the Head of the Rivissinian Abacus, Foo Bar Truman, to succeed him. And electoralis was foregone conclusion, returning Shiwajun and Foo Bar as the selections of the Rivissinians.

And when Foo Bar Truman went to seek Fearsome’s advice on the new Rivissinian ruling council, Fearsome assured him that there was no need to worry. ” Look, I love you so much, that I have made your burden as light as possible. I have installed your councillors, wardens, prefects and even your personal scribe. All your wants and needs will be met before you can say ‘Oh dilly!”

“Ah, King Fearsome, I had hoped to bring a few friends along with me.”

“Don’t worry, my son. I have also appointed some new friends for you. I’ve taken care of everything you need.”

For Fearsome, everything worked according to plan at first. The Rivissinian winged chariot remained in his custody, and all the Rivissinian nobles still sought his graces. Foo Bar Truman enjoyed the show at first but soon realised what was happening. For when he dined with people not sent to him by Fearsome, Fearsome would mention it to him. And if he relieved himself in a chamberpot outside of the inns approved by Fearsome, Fearsome would make it known to him in no unclear terms where he was expected to defecate. And as for ruling, Truman did not feel very much in charge even though he felt so much power coursing through his veins.

So he threw down the gauntlet and tried to shake things up.

Wee Kay then invoked the Etiaban Protocol, convening the Rivissinian Sassholes to depose Foor Bar. That night, Foo Bar prayed hard to the gods in emeffemic manner that fire would consume all his enemies and their plans. Behold, the gods answered, and a mysterious fire erupted in the Sassholes’ chamber.

The Sassholes loyal to Fearsome moved a deposement motion against Truman but his loyalists quickly countered by electing a new Warden to preside over their affairs. Foo Bar then moved again to suspend the Rivissinian High Magistratum and all the mayors of the Rivissinian mayorates, attempting to stifle the simulator.

Foo Bar then marched into Harr Courts to try to speak to the people but the constabulary deployed waters and onion gasses at high velocities, to impede him.

All of Jirria saw it. Lo, it was beheld in all of Twilistia and Social Mediana.

And there was no gaddem chill in the land!

The Magisterium of Shytown

/ Scribe of the Tword / 5 Comments

Long before Shiwajun unlocked the deployment of Wahala Morghulis, he knew he was destined for greatness. Like a wrestler in the great arena of the 2 double u’s and f, he came from parts unknown, and like Ra and Horus, was born by immaculate conception. There was a moda for sure, otherwise this tale might have begun of him as an immortal instead.

When he left his home and family for Shytown in Bidenistan, he was no more than a boy or girl. Armed with nothing but ambition, he arrived at the Academy of the Southwest with a certficato from the future. You see, Shiwajun had long since mastered the art of bending space and time, forging matter at his command.

“Kingdom Academy Gideria existeth not,” he was challenged, at the time.

“Aye,” he responded, “but in four years it will, and in the fulness of time, the world will be as confused as ye, as to how I went both to the Kingdom Academy in Gideria and the Kingdom Academy in Baddan-Badden, and yet truly went to neither. Do you gerrit? Schroedinger’s humdinger of a certificate!”

The regsitrator was mystified and enchanted, and waved Shiwajun through the academy’s gates. Shiwajun was to later graduate fugazi cum laude from both the Shytown Universitariat and the Universitariat of Shytown, the highest honours ever, and was the most recruited graduand in his cohort.

“Behold, I am he who knocks”, declared Shiwajun, as he went from bank to bank, knocking on their doors and performing pecuniary miracles. For though he earned but 20 Bidenistani shekkels, yet did he deposit over 100 shekkels with each banker. And how did he manage to deposit several times more money than he made in a year with the banks? The Bidenistani superconstabulary also asked him the same question.

“Ozarks!” he exclaimed, “dost thou not know that I am greatly embonused by employers, Delight. At Delight, I have worked my abacus so mightily, that my embonusments suffuse the regular emoluments of Messrs Delight and Push the owners themselves!”

And then Shiwajun returned to Jirria, to join the Bachalian Senatii. He left a parting gift of 400 shekkels to the good people of Bidenistan, in recognition of how well they had  looked after him during his sojourn.

Shiwajun would become King of Gideria for a season, and then its permanent overlord. By the power of Babasopecus Oparithicus, he would enthrone Kings Flashoslas, Ambsalom and Shangolulu. Together with Arty Cool, Abushola and other nobles of the land, he would unseat King Gejoshaphat and hand the throne of the 37 Kingdoms to King Gambrach. And when the two quadrannia of Gambrach were passed, he invoked the ghost of Emil Ocon, the great conquistador, and assumed the Iron Throne himself.

[Here, the Chronicler pauseth to drink water, drops cup.]

 Arty Cool and Pitobi Wan Kenobi appealed electoralis to the magistratum. They pleaded, amongst other things, that Shiwajun’s parting gift to the Bidestanis disqualified him. They also said that even though he graduated fugazi cum laude, the certificato he presented to the Necomongers was fugaziception – fugazi inside fugazi.

The magistratum waved away their pleas and dismissed their appeal, with a special word for the unchill in social mediana.

“Ye have brought evidence of nothing, not of the machination of by Fearsome Weekay in Rivissinia, nor the fugaziception from Shytown. Unchill in social mediana proveth nothing!”

Wherefore, Arty Cool dusted his tunic, boarded his winged chariot and went to the magisterium of Shytown to compel proof that Shiwajun, like Gambrach, was magnificato sans certificato.

Shiwajun immediately sent emissaries to the magistrate, saying “compel not the universitariat, lest irreparable damage be done to my swag.” But in the end, the magistrate issued an edicto compellario, mandating disclosure to Arty Cool, as well as testamento depositario from the Registrator of Shytown Universitariat.

Behold, the advocate of Arty Cool demanded of the Registrator if he knew who Shiwajun was.

“He is King of the Jirrians” the Registrator replied.

“And did he study at the Shytown Universitariat?”

“Well, we have a record of a Shiwajun el Nubus studying here at the time the Shiwajun el Nubus who is now King of Jirria said he studied here, so we added two and two together and believe both are one and the same.”

“But how can you tell, for sure?”

“Because their names are the same.”

“So two different people cannot have the same name?”

“They can, but we just know deep down inside our bones that the King was our student”, as he touched his finger to his tongue and pointed to the sky.

“And the application from the Academy of the South West where it says he is female?”

“Oh, easy question. That’s from another timeline. Like in Loki. Sometimes, timelines do used to converge and variants encounter each other.”

“So, this certificato that was sent to the Necomongers ahead of electoralis, did you issue it?”

“No. We did not. It hath not come from this universitariat.”

“Can you explain further?”

“Well,” said the Registrator, “in Bidenistan, certificatos are for vibes and insha Allah, the real proof of attendance is the recordia transcriptica. Perhaps it is a Jirrian thing to attach importance to the certificato. And, between us, Shiwajun has an authentic certificato in the records room which he has yet to collect. Instead, in the words of the ancient bard Ololademicus Ashakethicus, he went for a work of art.”

All of Jirria, Twillistia and social mediana heard it, and there was no gaddem chill in the land.