The Cornscription of the Shetty Man

The Cornfields of Shiwajun

News came to Twillistia and Social Mediana that Shiwajun bore the scars of narcotic indictments and forfeitures from Bidenistan; that though he was a man of the abacus, the beads upon which the number of his years could acurately be counted had yet to be invented; and that, contrary to legend, Iragbijishire was where his umbilical cord was buried.

The aides at the Shiwajunian Palace of Bored Dyllon were thrown into a tizz, knowing not how to respond to the Social Medianites. But Shiwajun was calm. “See ye these rumours in Papyrussia or Ancient Mediana?” he asked them. “Nay, sire,” they responded. “Therefore be ye calm and find me Amy Logan, as I have instructed thee.” The aides were confused, but proceeded into all of Jirria, declaring a bounty for Amy Logan and, just in case they had heard the name incorrectly, Emille Oconn.

Now, as was customary in the land, very shortly after each House had nominated its champion in electoralis primera, the champions all chose a Hand – someone to sit around on stand-by in the event the champion became king and died whilst on the Iron Throne, such as Osinoshin was the Hand of Gambrach.

Arty Cool the Perennial chose Arturo O’Cowa, King of the Deltanians, also coming to the end of his second quadrannium on the throne. Obiwan Pitobi chose Suffidat as his Hand. Suffidavit had once been a senateen but the Magistarium had declared his election perfidious and he was thus removed. Shiwajun knew all eyes would be on him, as he was of the same House as King Gambrach, who sat upon the Iron Throne.

“Have ye found Amy Logan?” Shiwajun asked his men. “She will tell me who to appoint as my Hand.” His men looked at each other nervously and one of them finally summoned the courage to speak. “Oh Lord Shiwajun of Bored Dyllon, surest successor to Gambrach, may you live even longer. Your Grace, we searched high and low, for Amy Logan and Emille Oconn and Emil O’Corn, across all the kingdoms, but we found none bearing that name. We even cast our minds back to the wise words from your annual collostrum, and searched in the fields of cassava and the plantations of corn and the barn stores of beans and nary an Amy or Emille was to be found. Your Grace, you will have to choose your Hand of your own self.” Very well, thought Shiwajun to himself. I shall choose one of the Apicurean kings to be my Hand.

Now, the people of Jirria had many things which set them apart from each other. They were Northerosi and Southerosi in their origin and customs. Some were Stians and others were Slims. The Stians and the Slims were to be found amongst both Northerosi and Southerosi men but if a Northerosi Slim was king, the convention of the Kingdom was that his Hand would be a Southerosi Stian and vice versa.

Many thought that Shiwajun would choose Macashma Gandi, the Great Sold, King of Car-Knoe, as his Hand. But Shiwajun had heard many allegations about Gandi, including suggestions of excessive proximity to the Car-Knosian treasury. “This goes against every fibre of my ethos,” Shiwajun was reported to have said. Gandi, like Shiwajun, was also a Slim, so the people thought this ruled him out.

Others thus suggested King A-La-La-La-La-Long-Long-Li-Long-Long-Long of Play-Too, for he was a Northerosi Stian but he also did not find favour with Shiwajun. Lo, the Apicureans were perplexed, for Shiwajun tarried greatly.

One night, Shiwajun gathered the Apicurean prefects and asked them to bring before him Cashmoney the Shetty Man, who in quadrannia past has ruled as King in Borry Noo.

“Why?” they asked Shiwajun.

“I wish to make him my Hand,” he responded.

“Cashmoney? The Shetty Man? The people of our kingdoms will not accept this. Hast thou forgotten that like you he is a Slim? And a Fulannister like King Gambrach?”

“Brethren, those are the exact qualities I need to triumph at electoralis. Bring him before me.”

“What if we rechristen King A-La-La-La-La-Long-Long-Li-Long-Long-Long of Play-Too, so that he is now known as Emille Oconn?”

“No. No. No. Enough of this now. My mind is set on Cashmoney the Shetty Man.”

Wherefore, Shiwajun lay on the floor in the middle of the Apicurean sanctum and Cashmoney was brought in. The Apicurean prefects handed him an ear of corn and a bowl of beans and asked him to move closer to Shiwajun.

“Cashmoney, wilt thou now pledge fealty to Shiwajun of Bored Dyllon?”

“I will,” declared the Shetty Man. A gong sounded 3 times, whereupon Cashmoney stepped onto Shiwajun’s groin abd broke out into song – On your man-bits I shall stand, on your man-bits I shall stand, on your man-bits, on your man-bits, on your man-bits I shall stand. He then stepped off Shiwajun’s groin and ate the beans and the corn. And thus, it was done. The Shetty Man had been cornscripted to be Shiwajun’s Hand.

Shiwajun arose and led Cashmoney into Twillistia and Social Mediana, announcing, “Behold, I have chosen my Hand.” But as Shiwajun tried to raise the Shetty Man’s hands, the people saw him shaking visibly and was unable to raise either his or Cashmoney’s hands aloft.

“He is infirm!” the people cried. “He presenteth a double-Slim Kingship!!” cried others. “When Cashmoney was King of the BorryNoobians, a chieftain of the Haramites of Boko was found by the Constabulary in the Borry Noo palace in Boo Jar!!! This is a travesty!!!” cried others.

And in all the lands and kingdoms of Jirria, not a gaddem speck of chill was found.

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