Limericks – Updates

President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe turned 90 on the 21st of February. In the run-up to the big day, the ice-creaming loving liberator informed the world that he had no plans to retire. He will live forever, this man.


To Robert, now nonagenarian

That plucky life-presidentarian

Who plans to sit tight

In official might

We extend a felicitation


Old Robert of modern Rhodesia

By now should be wracked with amnesia

Instead his design

Is not to resign

We might have to try euthanasia



The huge swing in the limericks of Lamido is quite jarring. In the space of only a few weeks, we went from chronicling his “disagreements” with the NNPC to being shocked at and debating the legality of his suspension by the President. Not only did the President appoint an acting Governor, a substantive replacement was also named on the same day. Badass, mister president!


There once was a head central banker

Whose disgust could not be made franker

His figures of oil

Made us all recoil

NNPC think he’s a w**ker


S.Lam of the squeezy transmission

Found bulky misappropriation

But Minister Dez

(From all that she sez)

Believes it’s misrepresentation.


Godwin’s come into some good luck

Hope he won’t be mere sitting duck

He’s taken the place

Of ex-squeezing ace

Who frankly does not give a f-


A farewell to precious ol’ Lam

For daring to finger ‘la DAM’

His cart was upended

For he was suspended

Thus clearing the tetchy logjam



The personal assistant to the son of the governor of Abia State died at the gun of his boss’s police orderly. It is being reported that the First Son gave the kill order. Naturally, however, the Police authorities are saying one of their guns was naughty again and accidentally discharged. They need to be castrated, these easily excitable guns.


This tragic PA situation

Has roundly met our condemnation

But powers that be

Explain, ’twas you see

Unintended ejaculation


There once was a First Son’s P.A.

They say he was shot dead today

They say at his word

A gunshot was heard

The orderly earning his pay



In Sports, Jose called Arsene a “specialist in failure”, the NFF finds itself in the peculiar position of advocating for a foreign assistant to their winningest coach in decades, Fulham sacked Rene Meulensteen, David Moyes, continues to break records, having his team set one for the most crosses in a premier league match – 81.


There once was mouthy mentalist

Called Arsene a failure specialist

That haughty retort

Is sorely abhorred

By every football tribalist


You must not ‘ave ‘eard zem, Renee

Zat’s why zey ‘ave sacked you today

Said it only once

But your Resistance

Did not raise zeir standard of play


Since Alex chose David on bias

Each challenge’s been the Himalayas

Each foe David’s seen

Has busted his spleen

Has been the proverbial Goliath


The tactic today is to cross

Tis what they’ve been told by the boss

They haven’t yet scored

Their fans’ ox is gored

Let’s hope won’t be another loss.


A farewell by ManU to Vidic

Ain’t Popeye, no rescue from spinach

He used to be great

Been dodgy of late

And now he is off to play Quidditch!


In spite of their worst machination

Keshi has been a revelation

Yet powers that be


Insist on foreign “assistation”.



The Villa did a fair amount of personnel shuffling since our last update. After its stoic silence on the numerous allegations against erstwhile Minister of Aviation, Stella Oduah, the Presidency did a Jack Reacher and got rid of 5 ministers, including Ms Oduah. Just before she was relieved of her office though, it was rumoured, then quickly denied that she’d ordered the State Secret Service to keep its staff away from her international airports.


The needful now done somewhat late

Will agencies investigate

Or will this her boot

Be mere parachute

No info, so we speculate


L.Maku says they were not sacked

That in fact, the President’s backed

Their wish to engage

Political stage

And give their home states what they’ve lacked


Ah Stella, the Actress of God

From Ministrial BeeM-ers now shod

A tardy farewell

Though we know too well

Not really, for she’s Johnnie’s blood


Ms Stella’s again in the news

Bizarre, but they say she’s refused

To permit access

By the SSS

To airports, and they’ve blown a fuse



Mallam Nasir El-Rufai was arrested by the SSS and asked to clarify his “there will be blood” remarks about next year’s elections. Vigilant social commentators quickly pointed out that some persons of the same ethnic group as the President had made similar remarks and had been rewarded by the State with a Presidential commando rescue from Benin Republic. They say the government does not give a damn about social media but Mujahid Asari Dokubo, would-be liberator of the Niger-Delta, was arrested shortly afterwards.


To balance the Mallam equation

DSS, in rectification

Has deigned to invite

Professor Ignite

The Lord of All Emancipation



It emerged that some monarch in Nnewi, in a fit of ironic buffoonery, given that his first name is Wisdom, issued the most misogynistic of fatwahs.


Nnewi’s again in the news

King Wisdom in foolish abuse

Decrees & requires

That women’s attires

Be skirts scarfs or else be taboos



It’s a failing he admitted to in his autobiography but we believed him to have come fully clean in My Story. Well, a previously obscure (in the international sense) daily paper in Ireland broke the story of a purported affair between President Bill Clinton and Elizabeth Hurley, while he was president. The source of the story, Ms Hurley’s boyfriend at the time, now admits he made it all up. Between story breaking and denial being published, however, we did the limerick below.


In Blighty, a rumour’s emerged

About ol’Bill’s legendary urge

Tripp, Winsky, now Hurley

Yes, human, but surely

His rep must be nigh on its verge



Governor Aregbesola of Osun state is a peculiar one. After merging state schools in a curious turn of educational policy, pupils arrived wearing the garb of their religions – Christians in choir robes, Muslims in veils and burkahs, and traditionalists bearing charms and armulets.


In Osun right now there’s confusion

In secondary school institution

Rauf did a mix

And now he must fix

The Mus-Christ-Trado revolution



Say a prayer for Borno.


Maiduguri skies growing darker

As one rampage follows another

The soil’s all soaked

Our throats are all choked

By this tragic ‪#BornoMassacre


Sanusi’s Suspension: Right or Wrong?

Better Days... (L-R): Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, Goodluck Jonathan

Better Days…

Today, the 20th of February 2014, the President’s Spokesperson, Dr Reuben Abati, announced that President Jonathan had suspended Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria, and had appointed an Acting Governor in his place. Sanusi’s first tenure of 5 years ought to have ended in a few months’ time and he was widely reported not to be interested in a second term, to which he would ordinarily have been entitled.

The announcement of his suspension follows recent reports of turbulence between the erstwhile CBN over several issues, including, allegedly, Sanusi’s insistence on the existence of a huge financial remittance deficit by the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation.

Does the President have the power to suspend or otherwise remove the Governor from office? Well, sorta, kinda. Section 11 of the CBN Act of 2007 states as follows –

11(1) A person shall not remain a Governor, Deputy Governor or Director of the [Central] Bank [of Nigeria] if he is –

(a) a member of any Federal or State legislative house; or

(b) a Director, officer or employee of any bank licensed under the Banks and Other Financial Institutions Act.

11(2) The Governor, Deputy Governor or Director shall cease to hold office in the Bank if he –

(a) becomes of unsound mind, or owing to ill health, is incapable of carrying out his duties;

(b) is convicted of any criminal offence by a court of competent jurisdiction except for traffic offences or contempt proceedings arising in connection with the execution or intended execution of any power or duty conferred under this Act or the Banks and Other Financial Institutions Act;

(c)  is guilty of a serious misconduct in relation  to his duties under this Act;

(d) is disqualified or suspended from practising his profession in Nigeria by order of a competent authority made in respect of him personally;

(e) becomes bankrupt;

(f)                is removed by the President:

Provided that the removal of the Governor shall be supported by two-thirds majority of the Senate praying that he be so removed.

(3) The Governor or any Deputy Governor may resign his office by giving at least three months’ notice in writing to the President of his intention to do so and any Director may similarly resign by givingat least one month’s notice in writing to the President of his intention to do so.

(4) If the Governor, any Deputy Governor of Director of the Bank dies, resigns or otherwise vacates his office before the expiry of the tem for which he has been appointed, there shall be appointed a fit and proper person to take his place on the Board for the unexpired period of the term of appointment in the first instance if the vacancy is that of –

(a) the Governor or a Deputy Governor, the appointment shall be made in the manner prescribed by section 8(1) and (2) of this Act; and

(b) any Director, the appointment shall be made in the manner prescribed by section 10(1) and (2) of this Act.

If we look at 11(2)(f), which was highlighted, I believe we can conclude that the President has taken a legitimate first step in removing Sanusi from the position of Governor. However, the removal is what we lawyers like to describe as “inchoate” until it is ratified by a two-thirds majority of the Senate. Can Senate President, David Mark, deliver a two-thirds majority to the President, to rubber-stamp Sanusi’s removal? One is confused with all the defections and cross-defections in the National Assembly of late, but we will just have to wait and see.