The pestilence was unrelenting in the force with which it swept through the kingdoms of the earth. The petrolatums of the nations regained some of its lost value but Iron Banks around the corners of the world reeled from its impact still. Mefilius, the Warden of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar, saw the depreciation of reserves coming from afar and, brimming with wisdom, decided to levy a unilateral deductivo ad piggybanki of One Billion shekels on each of the Jirrian banks.
This deductivo ad piggybanki hit the Jirrian banks in their solar plexuses. The Bank of Arc Sex was particularly so winded by the punch that its Chief Usurist, Ogunday YakkyWe, assembled all the hands of the bank in Zoomitopia and said unto them, “As Mefilius deductivoed our piggybanki, the bank of Arc Sex shall do also unto thee, including me. Yea, no one shall feel this burden harder than myself, as I shall forfeit nearly half of my wages. Tis true that this will have cause but a mere ripple in the profits-benefits continuum but never mind that. The Bank of Arc Sex shall be stronger, even as we bid some of thee farewell.”
News of the potential farewelling of the people of Arc Sex reached the lords of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar, wherefore they declared, “there shall be no terminato employmentico without the blessing of Mefilius.” Yea, the Arc Sexers heaved a sigh of relief.
But there was still no chill in the land. For in the Kingdom of Car-Knoe, the engravists of the deceased had raised a loud cry, “Behold, we are overwhelmed! Yea, the land is overwhelmed and we cannot engrave any further till somebody tells us why so many gaddem people are in need of engravement!”
MaCashma Gandi, King of Car-Knoe, resplendent in his be-Benjamined robes, had absolutely no answers to this great mystery. He did not know if it was the Coffee One Nine disease causing the deaths. All he knew was that Gambrach had sent King Shangolulu of Ekonnos carriageloads of shekels and none had come to Car-Knoe. “Give us shekels in Car-Knoe,” he demanded, “that we might through shekelisation uncover the unseen hand behind this mystery.”
And whilst King MaCashma awaited the benevolence of Gambrach, many of the kings of North Jirriah began sending the Al Magiricks back and forth between their kindoms, for fear that the Coffee One Nine would find a haven with them. The Al Magiricks were children sworn to an oath of scriptural scholarship, in the eternal quest for the revelation of the truth. A life of philosopher-kingship awaited any Al Magirick who could complete his quest. The peoples of Jirriah saw this game of Al Magirickshi between the kings and there was no chill in the land.
In Kogitaria, King JarJar Bellows had built an isolarium to care for those under the scourge of Coffee One Nine, with pomp and circumstance. That night, one of the pets of Dinobetes Mellitus, Bellows’ nemesis, escaped from its confinement. It was the notorious big, bad wolf. It huffed and puffed and blew the gaddem isolarium down. And there was still no chill in the land.
But succour succour lopo lopo arrived, when yet again, Bar Charr posthumously activated a palliative package for the people of Jirriah. Behold it was in excess of Three Hundred Million Trumpetistani shekels. And the people of Jirriah, from Twillistia to Whatsappia, across all of Social Mediana, sang of the unending benevolence of Bar Charr. Wherefore Gambrach said to FemCallamitus in Bedrock, “Thou seest it? Have I not always maintained that Bar Charr stole not? For he was laying away treasures for the peoples of Jirriah against the rainy day.” The ghost of Bar Charr smiled and vanished into a tractor beam.
It was also in that day that the Iron Bank of Imofu also granted Gambrach’s request for money. And again there was no chill in the land, as the Wailers cried, “Yet another loan???” And the Lovengers replied, “Tis not a loan, you fools!” To which the Wailers replied, “But we have to pay it back with interest! What is this called on Planet Gambrach?” And their back and forth continued, fulfilling the ancient prophecy of the bard, Fellanimus Kutinski “Argument, Argument, Argument!”
Behold it was also in that day that the spirit of theoreticus conspiratus swept through the land. From the loving world of Jehricurlia to the illuminatic recesses of the mind of Farney Kaye the mystic, there was agreement on Coffee One Nine being a grand scheme to bring about Pharmageddon – the day evil forces would apparently take over the world by means of enforced pharamacology. And the voice of Farney Kaye rang out loudly, “Behold, I have for years warned ye about the unseen hand of the Illumanti in the affairs of men. Now I foretell a greater disaster – that this man who spends his great wealth helping poor countries, fighting diseases, philanthropicising, drinking water and generally minding his business deceiveth thee. He conspireth not with the Illuminati but the Vaccinatti!!!”
And in all the land, there was not a single gaddem speck of chill to be found.