The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: A Cavern for Lady Bee-Ree

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The peoples of Jirriah were restrainfully going about their daily business, when it was carried on the whispers of the wind that King Gambrach had appointed a successor to Ser Bakky Arie. They were mostly nonplussed, yet they wondered who Gambrach’s choice would be and whether he would also be the sort of Chief Helmsman Gambrach could delegate all his responsibility so that he could carry on doing nothing.

They did not have to wait too long as confirmation finally came from the desk of FemCallamitus that Gambrach had sipped of his mystical goblet again and chosen an elderly statesman, Ser Barry, to be his new Chief Helmsman. Yea, did the Lovengers proclaim it the greatest post-deceasement appointment in all Kingly history. But the Wailers quickly pored over the chronicles of times past and stumbled upon one written by no other than FemCallamitus himself.

In the reign of Bar Charr the Eternally Benevolent, Ser Barry was emissary to the Universe of Nations, where all the kingdoms of the world gathered to speak in high falluting terms, but not much else. Bar Char had ordered the unfair trial and expeditious execution of Ser Kenneth WheeWhar and the Goony 9, to scathing condemnation at the Universe of Nations. Like Gambrach, Barry was incapable of finding fault with Bar Charr. This would come back to hurt Ser Barry when the peoples neighbouring the Goonies flatly refused his appointment as a peace broker. FemCallamitus in his previous uncalamitous incarnation as a chronicler pointedly reminded Ser Barry of his grovelling, bootlicking, lovenger-like past. Yeah, once again, irony had come to Jirriah to die.

The Twilistians in Jirriah had little time to mull over the past however, as the number among them facing the Coffee One Nine plague continued to increase worryingly across all the kingdoms. All the kingdoms, that is, except the kingdoms of Kogitaria where King Jar-Jar Bellows reigned, and the Crescent Lake Kingdom where King Benner Yade sat on the throne. Their subjects remained in pristine health. And when the people asked King Yade how it so, he replied, “Behold, tis not a matter for protracted cranial calisthenics. For, in what I have in my unique and uncommon wisdom, captioned ’emperatio maiguardi’, I have done absolutely nothing but patrol the borders of Crescent Lakes all day and all night. My eyesight is enhanced with natalicious imbroglio, enabling me to perform an identificato mazamaza of any virulent sub-atomic particles in the air.”

“Ah, so if the Royal Infirmieres arrive to test Crescent Lakians, like King Trumpet of Trumpstantinople, they too wouldst test positively negative?” the people of Social Mediana enquired.

“No, no, no, no. Like my brother-King Jar-Jar Bellows, I am an ardent believer in the Disparetto Principle of Zero -One Hundred. Zero tests will always yield a perfect health score. Finkabourrit.” And there was no chill in the land.

In Ekonnos, Ser Muddy O’Basha the warden of the legislatum came under intense scrutiny from the Kalahari Newsbearers. Each day, they told a different story alleging larceny and embezzlement by Ser O’Basha. In less civilised and inferiorly evolved kingdoms, the shame would have forced any politician out of office. But this was Jirriah, where the politicians had a unique genetic mutation of the shame gene, rendering them all impervious to opprobrium and disgrace. News came to the people that Shiwajun, himself a proprietor of newsbearing organisations, had warned all and sundry not to amplify the allegations against O’Basha. But the Kalahari Reporters seemed to be playing the long game. And the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission was uncharacteristically flaccid at the opportunity to investigate allegations of illegal enrichment.

Such flaccidity was not to be found in the chambers of Lar Yi, Gambrach’s Counsellor for Propaganda and Obfuscation, however. At his behest, under a bogus law that purportedly made it illegal for Social Medianites to cause annoyance to Kingsmen, the Constabulary had thrown a writer in jail for just that on the Feast of Eiden. Yea, there was no chill in the land.

In Trumpstantinople, the King’s opponent in the forthcoming electoralis had emerged. His name was Ser Abiden ByMe. Ser Abiden had served as Hand under King Barma. Abiden ran into a spot of trouble when he told Champagne-Man that he wasn’t a Jigger. And unchill rumbled across the kingdoms of the earth.

In Jirriah, news came to the Social Medianites and the Digital Perusites from the mouth of Lady Bee-Ree, who served as Gambrach’s Counsellor for Those Who Had Seen the Light and Fled the Kingdom. She praised her workmen for their diligence but lamented that they had no chambers to call their own for they had been cast out by Ser Izzy Bikinimi, Gambrach’s Counsellor for Connectivity.

“Ser Bikinimi expelled us from the cavern offered to us by the King’s Commissioner because he realised, contrary to what he had previously believed, that I was female and allowing us to remain would have been Her Ram. Lo, he cast us out by the hand of armed officers of the King’s Constabulary.”

Ser Bikinimi was livid and came into Twilistia to proclaim the mendacity of Lady Bee-Ree’s assertions. “This is a lie. A falsehood. A great untruth. For I know no armed constables.”

“Laughing out Loud, Ser Bikinimi,” responded Lady Bee-Ree, ” a scholar of your purported standing – laughing out loud again, bro – ought not to indulge in this on the Feast of Eiden. Our tools remain sealed in the cavern – release them unto us. And remember the words of FemCallamitus – time as a Kingsman is too temporary for us to be groveling, bootlicking tin idols.”

Of course, Gambrach unlooked their bickering. FemCallamitus, who had been trying to lie low since the unearthing of his ancient Barryian chronicle heard his name and was angry. “Why are you calling my gaddem name? What in the gaddem heck does this have to do with me????”

And all across the land, there was not a single gaddem chill to be found.

The Second Quadrannium of Gambrach: The Unseen Hand of the Vaccinatti

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The pestilence was unrelenting in the force with which it swept through the kingdoms of the earth. The petrolatums of the nations regained some of its lost value but Iron Banks around the corners of the world reeled from its impact still. Mefilius, the Warden of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar, saw the depreciation of reserves coming from afar and, brimming with wisdom, decided to levy a unilateral deductivo ad piggybanki of One Billion shekels on each of the Jirrian banks.

This deductivo ad piggybanki hit the Jirrian banks in their solar plexuses. The Bank of Arc Sex was particularly so winded by the punch that its Chief Usurist, Ogunday YakkyWe, assembled all the hands of the bank in Zoomitopia and said unto them, “As Mefilius deductivoed our piggybanki, the bank of Arc Sex shall do also unto thee, including me. Yea, no one shall feel this burden harder than myself, as I shall forfeit nearly half of my wages. Tis true that this will have cause but a mere ripple in the profits-benefits continuum but never mind that. The Bank of Arc Sex shall be stronger, even as we bid some of thee farewell.”

News of the potential farewelling of the people of Arc Sex reached the lords of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar, wherefore they declared, “there shall be no terminato employmentico without the blessing of Mefilius.” Yea, the Arc Sexers heaved a sigh of relief.

But there was still no chill in the land. For in the Kingdom of Car-Knoe, the engravists of the deceased had raised a loud cry, “Behold, we are overwhelmed! Yea, the land is overwhelmed and we cannot engrave any further till somebody tells us why so many gaddem people are in need of engravement!”

MaCashma Gandi, King of Car-Knoe, resplendent in his be-Benjamined robes, had absolutely no answers to this great mystery. He did not know if it was the Coffee One Nine disease causing the deaths. All he knew was that Gambrach had sent King Shangolulu of Ekonnos carriageloads of shekels and none had come to Car-Knoe. “Give us shekels in Car-Knoe,” he demanded, “that we might through shekelisation uncover the unseen hand behind this mystery.”

And whilst King MaCashma awaited the benevolence of Gambrach, many of the kings of North Jirriah began sending the Al Magiricks back and forth between their kindoms, for fear that the Coffee One Nine would find a haven with them. The Al Magiricks were children sworn to an oath of scriptural scholarship, in the eternal quest for the revelation of the truth. A life of philosopher-kingship awaited any Al Magirick who could complete his quest. The peoples of Jirriah saw this game of Al Magirickshi between the kings and there was no chill in the land.

In Kogitaria, King JarJar Bellows had built an isolarium to care for those under the scourge of Coffee One Nine, with pomp and circumstance. That night, one of the pets of Dinobetes Mellitus, Bellows’ nemesis, escaped from its confinement. It was the notorious big, bad wolf. It huffed and puffed and blew the gaddem isolarium down. And there was still no chill in the land.

But succour succour lopo lopo arrived, when yet again, Bar Charr posthumously activated a palliative package for the people of Jirriah. Behold it was in excess of Three Hundred Million Trumpetistani shekels. And the people of Jirriah, from Twillistia to Whatsappia, across all of Social Mediana, sang of the unending benevolence of Bar Charr. Wherefore Gambrach said to FemCallamitus in Bedrock, “Thou seest it? Have I not always maintained that Bar Charr stole not? For he was laying away treasures for the peoples of Jirriah against the rainy day.” The ghost of Bar Charr smiled and vanished into a tractor beam.

It was also in that day that the Iron Bank of Imofu also granted Gambrach’s request for money. And again there was no chill in the land, as the Wailers cried, “Yet another loan???” And the Lovengers replied, “Tis not a loan, you fools!” To which the Wailers replied, “But we have to pay it back with interest! What is this called on Planet Gambrach?” And their back and forth continued, fulfilling the ancient prophecy of the bard, Fellanimus Kutinski “Argument, Argument, Argument!”

Behold it was also in that day that the spirit of  theoreticus conspiratus swept through the land. From the loving world of Jehricurlia to the illuminatic recesses of the mind of Farney Kaye the mystic, there was agreement on Coffee One Nine being a grand scheme to bring about Pharmageddon – the day evil forces would apparently take over the world by means of enforced pharamacology. And the voice of Farney Kaye rang out loudly, “Behold, I have for years warned ye about the unseen hand of the Illumanti in the affairs of men. Now I foretell a greater disaster – that this man who spends his great wealth helping poor countries, fighting diseases, philanthropicising, drinking water and generally minding his business deceiveth thee. He conspireth not with the Illuminati but the Vaccinatti!!!”

And in all the land, there was not a single gaddem speck of chill to be found.