Chronicles of Chill: The Legend of MaCashma Gandy

Macashma

Thus it was that the sun rose and then it set on the second and final quadrennium of Yode, son of Falasham in the kingdom of Ekitilopia. And then it rose again on the second quadrennium of Jefka, who interrupted Yode’s reign and whose reign in turn Yode interrupted, leading the people to call Ekitilopia a kingdom of hokey pokey.

Yode had sought to bid farewell to the Ekitilopians in grand style, declaring a banquet for the nobles of the kingdom. Behold, they unlooked it completely, for it was written – ‘only a ride-or-die feasteth at a king’s last supper’; and twas well-known that any who feasted with a king for whom the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission lay in wait, would be swept away in the flood of their scandalous incompetence. So Yode feasted alone.

And yea, as the sun set on his reign, Yode felt himself grow weaker as the invincibility cloak of immunity departed from him. Yode was a Dr but it felt strange (bad dumm tss! Behold a joke of the Chronicler!). No longer wielding the Immunity Stone and knowing a showdown with the Everly Failings was nigh, Yode knew he had to be possessed of the Banter Stone.

Wherefore he journeyed into the Vale of the Unnabrawss in the region of Haute Iwaykar and had the finest threadsmen stitch a mystic incantation onto his vest. Putting on the vestment, Yode rode for 2 nights and 2 days to Boo Jar, finally arriving at the Magoorhic gates of the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission. He stripped himself of his kingly armour and brandished the vestment, which had the ancient words emblazoned across it – “THE EVERLIES AINT SHIT!”

The Banter Stone was very powerful. They had got him, but yea had he also got them.

In Oyossopotamia, Shittinski was in a sulphuric panic. His dream of succeeding Jimobite the Constituted was evaporating before his eyes, as if Thanos himself had snapped his fingers at it. The prefects of House Apicuria had ruled that Shittinski could not contend at electoralis for, like Lady Kemshun, he was also devoid of the Certificato de Nyansch.

“Prefects, Apicureans, the reason I am devoid of the certificato is because I embarked on a quest greater even than the Nyansch! Where others went unto the Nyansch, I went into the Bombastic Oyossopotamic Octagonal Body of State, serving as a councilman. Twas a greater service even than the Nyansch! It should count for me, not against me!” Shittinski protested.

“But thou art versed in the law, art thou not? Tis the law that every man or woman emerging from the citadels must first serve the fatherland in Nyansch. And thou has not. Ergo…”

“Don’t tell me ergo!!!” shouted Shittinski, waving his gloved hand frantically. “Ergo what???” Wherefore Shittinski sued House Apicuria for disqualifying him and the Nyasnch Commission for not conscripting him by force when he ignored the summons.

Yea, was it lit across the land. But the litness was about to become fire. For in the ancient city of Canodonia, ruled King Gandy the White. He was known as Gandy the White for he was always dressed in a hat and flowing white robes. Many wondered what was underneath the robes and twas whispered that he had more than 2 arms and had to conceal them, lest he be thought a fantastic beast.

Lo, the legend of his extra arms was strongly believed by the Canodonians, apparently, because of his prolific work rate. All over the kingdom, next to nothingses, were signposts which read ‘Gandy’s Work’. There was a hut in the middle of the forest, with the sign ‘Gandy’s Work’. There was a latrine in the marketplace tagged ‘Gandy’s Work’. Yea, there was a mountain in the hills thought to be Gandy’s work. In short, Gandy was a workaholic. And whenever the Candonians saw him in public, they would scream ‘Hanky! Hanky! Hanky!’ for ‘hanky’ was the ancient Canodoni word for work. But they were all about to be shocked to their bones.

One day, a man named Jafar d’Aladdin came into Twilistia and Social Mediana declaring to the people, “Bring ye out your magic calabashes, for I have something to shew thee! Tis a vision of Gandy the White. But tis no mere vision, when what ye see is truth!”

Thus were all the magic calabashes brought out and after an advertisement from Buy Thy Chariots dot Com, the vision began. Behold, a man bearing an uncanny identical resemblance to King Gandy was sat in a room that bore an uncanny identical resemblance to the King’s Courts in Canodonia and behind him was a flag bearing an uncanny identical resemblance to the sigil of the kingdom of Canodonia.

But it could not be King Gandy, for this fellow was bald and wore no hat. But then a voice said unto the man, “if thou wouldest receive it, thou must receive it and conceal it in a hurry, your majesty.” So, it was Gandy. Or was it?

“But…” said the Gandy-esque fellow, “I am a religious man. Will taking this from thee not be Her Ram?”

“Not if thou standest up to collect it, Majesty. And especially not if it is Trumpetistani Shekels. Then, it is Her Lal, not Her Ram.”

“Thou art sure?” asked Gandy. It really did seem to be Gandy at this point.

“Yes! Now stand up and receive before Dar Wheezus thy scribe returneth and sees.”

The king arose, as he had been commanded and stretched out his hands. And behold, five bags of Trumpetistani shekels were handed over to him. Quickly he raised his robes, concealed the bags under and sat down again.

The legend was false. He did not have two extra arms for his Hanky. The Social Medianites saw it and there was not a single gaddem chill left in the Kingdom.

“Stop it! Cease and desist!” a voice cried. “It is a doctoring of cyclonic proportions. Tis not my king thou beholdest!” It was Dar Wheezus, defending Gandy.

But chill had departed and unchill returned. And from that day Gandy was no longer known as Gandy the White. He was thenceforth known as MaCashma Gandy, the Great Sold.

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