Chronicles of Chill: Constipatio de Abushola

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As Dinobetes Mellitus performed his Affirmatio et Defecato, he kept looking back. Wherefore, the Padipalian buttocks wiper inquired of him, “why dost thou keep glancing pack at thy fecum? Does thou wish it to turn into a pillar of salt? For it does not seem so large to me.”

“Nay, Poopmeister, tis not so. I look back for my top dude, Abushola, Warden of senatii. For he promised me that we would defecate in tandem.” The other defecating nassholes also cast anxious looks back, wondering if Abushola betrayed them.

But Abushola was in Bedrock, summoned by Gambrach, the King, and Shomolek, the head of House Apicuria, to discuss the matter of his rumoured defecato.

“Abushola,” said Gambrach solemnly, “I just have one question for you. In the words of the great Russian philosopher Igwenitzof Tupacizinsky, ‘wos yor addenini?’ ”

“Come again, O king?” said Abushola, confused, as Shomolek handed him a goblet of wine. Abushola sipped.

“Are you going to perform the Affirmatio et Defecato and publicly shit on the Apicurean flag?” asked Shomolek directly.

“O King! O Big Head! But twas in this same House from which opprobrium was poured on me and I was dragged like a peasant before Conductivitis. I triumphed. Yet, the King’s closest allies continue to conspire to unleash Wahala Morghulis upon me. Wilt ye call it off?” Abushola sipped again and Shomolek smiled.

“But I know not of such Wahala Morghulis,” protested Gambrach. “Thy charge at Conductivitis is dead, and what is dead may never die.”

“Ah,” said Abushola, taking another sip from his goblet, “if the King offers me no protection, then surely His Highness understands that I must do what I must to protect myself.”

“As must we,” said Shomolek, chuckling, unable to control himself. Abushola rose to leave, looking at Shomolek suspiciously. His stomach also felt a little funny.

Watching Abushola leave Bedrock, Shomolek smiled smugly, saying to Gambrach, “I have taken care of it, my King. Abushola surely shitteth not! I mixed the contents of this vial with his wine, procured from the best apothecary in the Kingdom.”

“Really? What is the substance called?” asked Gambrach

“Low Motille Elephantine. They use it in the circus to treat incontinent elephants. Behold I have locked his shit up. Tis frozen. And only an act of true love can thaw a frozen rectum.”

In Twillistia, the people were agog with news of Abushola’s impending defecation. The Padipalian Poopmeister was seen laying the Apicurean flag in Social Mediana Sqaure, with his buttock wiping cloth at the ready. But there was no sign of Abushola.

By now, Dinobetes and the rest of the Defecato Squad had caught up with Abushola in his chambers. King Tambourine of Ko Tow was also in their midst.

“Great Warden, art thou now ready to perform the Affirmatio et Defecato?” asked Mellitus. We are legion that followed you into the Apicurean herd and we earnestly await your return to Padipalia.

“The spirit is willing” confirmed Abushola, sweating profusely, “but the rectum is weak! I suspect Shomolek has poisoned me with a costive medicine. Behold, my bowels are clogged.”

“All is lost!” exclaimed Dinobetes.

“No, tis not.” replied Abushola.

“But how shall we do it?” asked Dinobetes.

“Alimentary, my dear Watson Mellitus. We shall pray and invoke the presence of St. Gastro of Laxatavia, the patron saint of Defecato. In the meantime, King Tambourine must now perform his Defecato, for the people are gathered and expectant of infragrance.”

Wherefore King Tambourine went into Twillistia and chanted the Affirmatio –

“I renounce Apicuria and rededicate myself to Padipalia; I affirm my faith in self-aggrandisement and my commitment to poor, nay, zero governance. Politicking above all, world without end. Amen. Behold I defecate!”

King Tambourine removed his garments, performed the Defecato and was received by the Poopmeister. Another of the Abusholan acolytes also performed the rituals. His name was Bellagio of Las Vegas and, until his defecation, he was the scribe of the Apicurean House.

In the chambers, Dinobetes and the Defecato Squad were deep in fervent prayer –  fecum come, fecum come, fecum come – they chanted over and over again. Abushola doubled over in agony and let out a fart. Dinobetes gagged but continued, resolute in his faith. Ye gods of lavatoria, visit us we pray. Lavatoria in excelsis!

Finally, a word of prophecy came unto the gathering – Abushola’s rectum had been frozen and only an act of true love could thaw it. Dinobetes knew what had to be done and he knew that only he could do it. Turning to the Defecato Squad of Nassholes, he said, “Brethren, go ye and wait for us on the other side. Tell the people to rejoice for the Defecato of Abushola is, uhm, at hand!” And they were left alone.

Outside, the rumble of anticipation grew. Finally, Dinobetes ran out declaring, “Padipalians, tis time to welcome Abushola home.”

Abushola staggered out, still doubled over, groaning out the words of the Affirmatio. He then disrobed and let out a wild cry as he loudly performed the Defacto. The Poopmeister smiled, wiping his posterior vigorously. Lo, Abushola had defecated.

Behold, the stench of defecation filled the land. Yea, was it so heavy that the people could hear the smell, even Gambrach with his  Many Years Disease. “Screw this, I’m off to Jandinia!” said Gambrach, covering his nose and ears. “Oshinoshin, handle this shit!”

Yea, the people say Gambrach’s winged chariot take flight and head for Jandinia. And there was not a gaddem speck of chill in all the gaddem land.

 

 

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