Chronicles of Chill: Defecation of the Nassholes



Gambrach and Shomolek heard the rumours of the defecations and were greatly troubled. It seemed that the royal reconciliation assignment given to Shiwajun had been a failure, almost like the reign of Gambrach.

“As Head of House Apicuria, what doth thou propose we do to save our party?” Gambrach asked Shomolek.

“O King, may nothing truncate our desire for a second quadrannium of thy glorious reign! But hast thou seen the manner thy subjects in Social Mediana praise Abushola for doing the things which thou shouldst do but do not and saying the things which thou shouldst say but say not? The ears of the Lovengers have even heard him described as more Kingly than thee, glorious Gambrach Jon Snow. He is the Chief Defecator and to stop them from shitting on Apicuria, we must stop him.”

“Hmmmm,” said Gambrach, stroking his chin, “but doth thou possess the artistry of Wahala Morghulis?”

“Wa-what Mo-foolish? Lady KemShun, is that a slang of Jandinia?”

“Never mind, Shiwajun cometh.”

Shiwajun arrived, and with Shomolek, plotted with Gambrach through the night.

When day broke, Shomolek ran into Twilistia, Social Mediana and even Paper Mediana, in full annoyance at Gigex of Kee Jah. “Who the gaddem is this Gigex that he refuseth to appoint wardens of labour? He provoketh me to burning rage mehnn! If he thinketh that because he disseth the king and lives it is okay to diss me, Shomolek, swearraghad I shall banish him!” Why shouteth Shomolek, the people wondered, for Gigex of Kee Jah was Gambrach’s councillor for slavery and also a former king himself, of the Kingdom of Nambria. Gigex answered to Gambrach, not Shomolek.

At that same moment, Heebra Driss, the head of the king’s constabulary proclaimed a summons upon Abushola, in connection with the testimony of some murderous bandits in the gaol.

Abushola heard the noise of Shomolek, saw the summons of Heebra Driss and smiled to himself, saying, “Finally, the Day of Wahala Morghulis is at hand.” He sent for Dinobetes Melitus, his Man Friday, that they might confer on the matters arising. Dinobetes arrived with 15 other Nassholes. As they departed afterwards, they were stopped by constables on patrol, who demanded to know whither they went. “We are Nassholes,” replied Dinobetes, “singing Nassholes. We were rehearsing a special song to pay tribute to King Gambrach at our session at senatii tomorrow. It will surprise him most greatly.” The constables allowed them to pass.

Early the next day, Equerry Mah Doo, the vice-warden of the senateens sent a pigeon to Abushola, who was warden. The men of the king’s constabulary had encamped around his dwellings and he was unable to congregate with the other Nassholes. The constables had also congregated at Abushola’s gates, determined that he would not pass. Abushola smiled and entered into a special room in his house, reaching for a special bag he kept behind the seats within.

Abushola reached into the bag and produced the woman’s headtie. He placed it on the floor. He reached into the bag again and produced female lip colouring. Finally he brought out a black top hat, and placing all the items into a basin, he set them on fire and began to chant.

Alams-alams-alams. Yesiga-yesiga-yesiga. Spirit of the Yelsan Kings Past, imbue me with thy legendary powers of evasion!!!

Shiwajun, Shomolek and Gambrach were breaking bread together in the palace at Bedrock when the news reached them that Abushola was at senatii, in spite of their blockade.

“What kind of a gaddem Wahala Morghulis is this?” Gambrach asked Shiwajun angrily, but Shiwajun was speechless. He suddenly felt old and drained of his powers. They had been thoroughly dribbled by Abushola and thus was the ancient prophecy of the Prophet EazeeDola made plain and fulfilled, “Leg over! ‘Bushola give me leg over! Issallover!

“Quick,” Shomolek said, with urgency, “get to senatii now. Stop them at all costs! Send in the garrison. Or the constables from the Stalking Ambushing Raiding and Stupidity squad. Do something now!”

But it was too late.

At senatii, Dinobetes Mellitus was on his feet addressing the senateens. “Salutations, Warden Abushola, for thou art a wise and wily leader, unlike the men of Apicuria that sit with the King. I sit with them no more, and I know that many stand with me. We wish to renounce House Apicuria and move to our Padipalian home. We ask thy permission to perform the scared rites of defecation, that we may become Padipalians again.”

“Ye may proceed,” responded Abushola.

The senateen sarjent led a procession of the senateens into Social Mediana and Twilistia that all might see them. He lit the lavender candles of defecation and spread a flag with the Apicurian sigil on the floor. Dinobetes and the 15 senateens stripped themselves of their garments, remaining only in their loincloth.

“Recite the Affirmatio,” said the sarjent. The senateens closed their eyes and began to chant.

“We renounce Apicuria and rededicate ourselves to Padipalia; We affirm our faith in self-aggrandisement and our commitment to poor, nay, zero governance. Politicking above all, world without end. Amen.

They opened their eyes and behold, they had been joined in the Affirmatio by junior senateens, 32 in number. They clasped each other in solidarity.

“Now, bind thyselves and consummate thy rehousement,” commanded the sarjent.

The Nassholes then, in turn, removed their loin cloths, and shat fresh shit on the Apircurian flag and were received by a Padipalian senateen, who wiped their posteriors clean with the Padipalian cloth.

The people saw it and were completely disgusted. The stench of the defecation filled their nostrils, and there was no gaddem chill in all of the land!


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