The Chronicles of Chill: The Ekitilopian Second 2nd Coming

Castle.jpeg

Thus it was, that seven days and seven nights passed but not a word did Lady KemShun say about her certificato de nyansch. Yea, did Bedrock not utter a gaddem either – not Gar Bar, not FemCallamitus, not Barshally, not Lay-Si. To the people of the Kingdom, twas as if all in Bedrock had been infected by King Gambrach’s Many Years Disease.

Within the walls of Bedrock, many machinations were afoot. The King had summoned his Senior Prefect of Nyansch, a man of Gunn named Rubin Kazan, to see whether or not Lady KemShun could be delivered from the accusations of Oluwollic Torontonianism.

“Rubin, my senior prefect, is there a way for Lady KemShun to be saved?”

“Yeah, Rubin blaad, you gonna save me or wot, fam?”

“Tis a delicate matter, my king. The Social Medianites and Digital Perusites are not easily deceived. And thou knowest, o King, even though Ser Balavida of the kwarapta intrusivo yet walketh free, that the legend of thy aversion to evil persisteth. Nothing must lift the scales from the peoples eyes, for electoralis cometh.”

“Hmmm”, thought Gambrach, very Chinese-Movie-Bossically, “then we shall respond with the famous Robust Answer of Great Silence, which cometh only unto men as me with levels upon levels of grace.”

“Yeahhhhbwoi!!! I mean, King! Wakanda forever, blud!” exclaimed Lady KemShun happily.

“Besides,” said Gambrach, “there is the more pressing matter of the throne of Ekitilopia to contend with.”

Behold, brethren, the Book of the Chronicles cometh full circle. For twas only a quadrannium ago that the Tword was first received of Yode of Padipalia and Jekfa of Apicuria, in electoralis for the kingship of Ekitilopia. Yea, a quadrannium passed and like tis family said by the Gaul people, “Plus ca chenji, plus c’est le same gaddem thing!!!” For as it was in the past, twas yet another contention between Yode and Jekfa. Well, perhaps not Yode personally but Nondes Cript, the Hand of Yode, by whom Yode wished to be succeeded.

Nondes Cript said nought, went nowhere and only laid a tepid claim to the throne. It might have been Nondes’s hand in electoralis but it was unmistakably the very loud voice of Yode that was heard by all.

Lo, did Yode deploy every move in his arsenal to frustrate the advance of Jekfa on the kingdom. However, he misunderestimated the full extent of the chenji that had taken place. For Yode at his own second coming, Jekfa was the incumbent who had not the backing of the King (Gejoshaphat); and now the tides had changed and twas Yode who no longer had the blessings of the King (Gambrach).

The Apicurians charged into the kingdom of Ekitilopia with legions of the men of the constabulary, withdrawn from their primary deployment of harassing innocent young citizens on the streets of Boo Jar and Gideria. And Yode, incensed at the occupation of the kingdom by the Apicurian forces, rose to meet them at the city gates in his chariot. Yea, while he was yet far off, an eager constable discharged a bottle of nightshade at him.

But this was no ordinary nightshade, nay. Twas Novichuk-grade nightshade, and instead of merely bringing upon him a temporary blindness, with only a mere whiff it broke Yode’s neck and radius at the same simultaneous gaddem time! Behold, it threw him into a momentary unconsciousness. You see, unlike his bodyguards, Yode was not trained in the art of breath-holding. They were saved, Yode was not.

And when he woke, broken-necked and crippled in the arm, discombobulated by the fierceness of the federal might he had come up against, Yode ran in tears into the village square in Social Mediana singing the dirge of the ancient bard Why Kleft –

“Enemies on the border line, who was the first to fire the nightshade by King Yode’s side?

You said it’s peace sir, but you didn’t want the peace sir, now I nearly rest in peace sir!”

Electoralis came ever closer and the people heard yet nought from Nondes Cript. “Say something we’re giving up on you“, they sang to him. And Padipalian men like the ancient Padipalian historian Rewajius foretold the imminent failure of Jekfa.

And on the day of electoralis, Yode sent emissaries into the kingdom with 35 hundred shekels for all that would cast a vote for Nondes Cript. The Apicurians heard it and laughed, for their emissaries were armed with 50 hundred shekels. The votes were counted and yea, twas Jekfa that was declared King-In-Waiting. Nondes Cript looked up momentarily from the scroll he was reading, shrugged and put his head back down.

But Yode was bitter. And he asked the people of Ekitilopia, “Why have ye rejected me? Did I not sit with thee in thy filth and penury? Did I not eat thy swill with thee? Did I not go on strike with thee when I owed thee thy wages?”

And the people said unto him, “Know ye not that it is written, ‘not everyone that pretendeth to be our guy will inherit the Kingdom?”

In Social Mediana, the people looked at the Apicurians and wondered about electoralis federalis, only a few months away. There was despair at the thought that Gambrach might not be so easily dislodged. How shall we survive another quadrannium of this, they asked themselves.

The Everly Failing at Convictions Commission heard the news of Yode’s imminent shedding of the royal tunic, licked its chomps at the prospect of finally being able to bring Yode before the magistratum. “Send Yode a Raven,” said Mar Goo, “tell him his hour of reckoning cometh.”

But the Everly scribe was giddy at the thought of everly not failing again at convicting Yode and decided to fly a winged-chariot over Twilistia square with a glorious banner attached, saying “Thy files be dusted that thine ass be busted, Yode. Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin, nuccuh!”

And all the people saw it and there was no gaddem chill in the entire kingdom.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “The Chronicles of Chill: The Ekitilopian Second 2nd Coming

  1. Veryvwell articulated storyline. I must say you are a very good writer; baring all the events in a comic story. Despite being a Lawyer, you should try Writing/Publishing. You will sure excel whilst also playfully informing the public about very important events.
    Great job! 👍

    Like

  2. Thy chronicles maketh merry my heart, o great scribe!

    Thy quill be blessed.

    These words:

    “And the people said unto him, “Know ye not that it is written, ‘not everyone that pretendeth to be our guy will inherit the Kingdom?””

    And

    “saying “Thy files be dusted that thine ass be busted, Yode. Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin, nuccuh!””

    Masterstroke, I tell you!

    And this:

    “then we shall respond with the famous Robust Answer of Great Silence, which cometh only unto men as me with levels upon levels of grace.””

    Genius!

    The scribe never forgets…

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.