Chronicles of Chill: Jekunimous Iyanensis


The unchill in the land was a tempestuous one and it billowed and blew onto the doorstep of Dinobetes Mellitus. Dinobetes was a senateen of the Nassholes, from House Apicuria. Many are the enchronicled chronicles of Dinobetes but none contained such unchill was about to be unleashed.

Thus it was that as Dinobetes was at the Winged Chariot Depot of Boo-Jar, that he was accosted by the constabulary. “Halt! In the name of the law!” the leader of the constables commanded him. “Thou darest interfere with a maker of the law?” queried Dino, “one on His Majesty’s Service to Jandinia for a glorious frolicking?”

But the constables were determined and Dinobetes looked on in regret as his homies departed for the supreme faffing, for the spirit of estacode had descended upon them and they could not think straight.

Wherefore Dinobetes sent a message unto the Twilistines, saying “Behold, I am ensnared of the constabulary!!!” and whereof the Twilistines responded, “Aha! Now thou canst dance thy famous Jekunimous Iyanensis dance, that all might know that thou art not a mere bluffer.”

In this moment, we now deploy the Nollywoodinic tool of flashbacking, for a flashback is required to tell of the Jekunimous Iyanensis dance. When twas said that Dinobetes’ scrolls of learning were of foggy origins, Dinobetes chanted and danced the Jekunimous Iyanensis, warning any who stood in his way of certain doom and damnation. Lo, did he raise the banner again, when the king in his home kingdom of Kogitamia, King Yaya Bellows, began the process to remove Dinobetes from senatii. Yea, did Dinobetes chant King Bellows’ name in Jekunimous Iyanensian dance, brandishing his chest upon stick legs – for verily, Dinobetes skippeth leg day. Here endeth the flashbacking.

And thus it was that news reached the Twilistines that Dinobetes was being hauled to Kogitamia from Boo Jar in locks, stocks and chains. Luckily for Dinobetes, the feast of Beegue Braw Thurr was over, otherwise the Twilistians & Social Medianites would not have been apprised of his perils.

And as they traversed the bumpy pathways and byways towards Kogitamia, Dinobetes thought to himself, “These gaddem constables of the gaddem constabulary! Could they not make my arrest a bit more glamorous? Know they not that it was me that the upstart bard sang the melody ‘Dinobetes, Dinobetes, No faeces?’ the ode to my pimping swag? Anyways, I know Abushola my Lord Warden of senatii will come for me. Then they will know that I am not a man to be arrested without pomp and circumstance.”

The constables were making jokes and passing round a wineskin – drinking on duty, that was how useless they were. But Dinobetes was thirsty and decided he would not refuse a swig if he was offered. As the gourd came closer to Dinobetes, he saw what looked like a vial being emptied in it.

“YE SHALT NOT GETTETH ME!!!” This was the cry of Dinobetes as he got too his feet and jumped out of the constabulary chariot. What happened next would take a few hundred years to be explained by a young man of science named Isaac Newton, but suffice it to say the forces of the moving chariot and the stationery ground converged in the stick legs of Dinobetes and yea, because he skippeth leg day, the result was that he crumpled to the ground in a heap.

Lo, did the constables carried him with haste to the infirmary, lest he perished in their hands and was beatified into St. Dinobetes of Melitus. And twas in the infirmary that Abushola finally came unto Dinobetes.

“My Lord Warden, thou comest to deliver me from the hands of my oppressor. Finally.”

“I come in solidarity, Dinobetes,” was the measured response from Abushola.

“Solidarity? But thou art not in chains!”

“Aye, but behold, I stand with thee!”

“Even unto Kogitamia?”

“Good man, is it not sufficient that I stand with thee right now in thine hour of tribulation?”

“Lord Warden, but I am thy dawg, gee. Thee have I stood with in everything. Give the word and let me be delivered unto thee!”

“Dinobetes, my good Man Friday,” replied Abushola with a smile, “forget thou not the words of the ancient prophet Kerni Rojaz, “Thou gotta know whenst to hold’em, know whenst to fold’em, know whenst to walk away, know whence to run!

“Lord Abushola…”

But Abushola cut him off. “Island in the stream, that is what thou art. This was also the word of the prophet. Tis not I, tis the ancient prophecy that must be fulfilled. Tarry awhile, for it is well with thee.” And he made to leave the infirmary.

“Lord Warden, wilt thou leave me at the mercy of King Yaya Bellows?”

“Dinobetes! Of course not! How could I leave thee defenceless? As we speak, I have summoned many of the youths of Kogitamia and they have come with their drums. Tonight has been declared the feast of Jekunimous Iyanensis. They will chant and dance in thine honour, that Bellows might see how popular you still are.”

Dinobetes was crestfallen and lo, did he lose all his chill. And far away in the kingdom of Dunamis, King El-Farquaad saw it all and rubbed his hands in glee. Who said Dr Shey Who of the senatii was untouchable?

But there was too much unchill in the land. The Yetis of Gawd continued to savage the Middle Earth kingdoms and their cries for help pierced the sleep of all. King Roe Chazz of Imolek had run out coin to build his greatest statue yet and levied an ad vlostaturem tax on all Imolekites. Nothing would get in the way of the statue. Osinoshin, the King’s hand, continued to come and go as he had previously done and yet again the people called him, Comer Comer Comer Come elyon.

The kingdoms were a gaddem mess and there was no gaddem chill anywhere.

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