Chronicles of Chill: The Curious Case of the Coin


And thus it was that Gambrach departed the Kingdom for Jandinia to attend Chorgasm, where once again the spirit of outspokenness came upon him, chasing away that spirit of hermitry that besieged him whenever he was in the Kingdom. Yea, he spake.

First of all, he spake to an assemblage of lovengers desirous of hearing him speak whilst wearing his famed robes of convalescence. And lo, he told them of the fecundity of the quagmire of the Gejoshaphatian quadrannium, of which all had heard ad nauseam. But he spake it again, for he had nary an other thing to say. “O Lovengers, the times of Gejoshaphat were terrible. Behold, there was plunder and pillage of the most amateurish sort. But yea, though we have successfully prosecuted no one, lo have I fixed it. And I deserve some accolades. Whorwhaa.”

Lo, they gave him some accolades.

And drunk on the lovengerous accolades, Gambrach stepped into the grand Chorgasm arena to speak with the other chorganisms who had come from afar. Wherefore they asked him again, at the end of the day’s proceedings, “O great Gambrach of 37 Kingdoms, wilt thou give us a parting word about thy kingdom? Canst we bring our merchandise to North Easteros? And why didst thou not sign Pax Freekanah?”

“You see, in the time of Gejoshaphat,” began Gambrach, to murmurs of Oh shit, not this shit gaddem parable again??? Fortunately, Gambrach was in the land of the meisters and his Many Years Disease ears had just been reset. He abridged his Gejoshaphatian lamentation.

“Okay, okay,” he said, “let me move on to North Easteros. Even though the Haramites of Boko have attempted to capitalise on the technicality of our technical vanquishment of their forces, I can say without too much fear of a reprisal attack from them that North Easteros is somewhat, kind of, like, a bit okayish now. Feel free to bring thy merchandise. As for the other problems affecting the region, I canst not tell a lie, my kingdom brims with the indiscipline of procreation. Lazy people being fruitful and multiplying with reckless abandon. Are they Adam? Was it they who were given the charge? And because like me, many have not even their scroll de minimis, they think like me they are entitled to Kingly perks. Imagine!?!”

Imagine indeed, for the rant of Gambrach was heard on Social Mediana, in Twilistia and even the land of the Digital Perusites. And there was no gaddem chill – for Gambrach had branded them sloths. There was pandemonium as all disavowed the appellation.

FemCallamitus roared into action in defence of his liege, protesting, “People of the land, Gambrach demarketeth thee always when abroad for thine own good. Look at the lifestyles of decadence and seedless grapes they live in these countries – these will not aid us on our rice sufficiency odyssey. Think!”

But the people were not swayed. And there was more unchill to come. For the news bearers of the Sterling Times had brought news into the Kingdom, of Lady Kem Shun, Abushola and Ga Rah and monies spent, not included in the kingdom’s coinage. Lady Kem Shun heard the allegation and was furious. Yea, she went into Twilistia to address it.

“Whaah gwan bluds? What dis ting mans is hearing ‘bout extra-budgetary coins for the mandems of the senatii and junior senatii Nassholes? Dis is a wicked allegations of manifestations of appropriations and infestations inna de vibrations.”

Huh? The people paused, puzzled, for no one understood whether she denied it or not.

“Sterling Times issa wasteman paper. Dem nuh know nothing about the econominix. I is the queen of econominix, ya hear me now? Brrrr!”

Twas the most confusing of denials ever. And Abushola and Ga Rah said nought.

Then came yet more news of stupendous coinings, for Gambrach had taken a gazillion shekels from the Iron Bank of Boo Jar without the endorsement of the Nassholes. They were nassholes, true, but still, this was in egregious breach of the law of the land.

“Knowest thou not, that this is a dethronement-worthy offence?” the people cried unto Gambrach.

“For reals?” Gambrach asked in disbelief. “Dethronement? Even when millions came out to show the people of the south how famous I still am?”

“The law is the law, dude,” came the irreverent answer.

“What shall we tell the people?” asked a subdued Gambrach. “I took this coin not for myself but for the good of the kingdom. Twas to buy a supersonic megatronic spectroscopic flight of Torskanoe fantasy.”

“Yes, Majesty, but they are not due from Trumpstantinople for another two years!”

“For reals????” asked Gambrach.

“Yes, for reals! Shiiii, the coinage for the year is yet to be read even!”

“FOR REALS??? Why does no one tell me anything?” Gambrach asked, exasperated.

“Sire, shall we just tell them that you did not know?” suggested Gar Bar.

“Can’t we blame it on Gejoshaphat?” asked Gambrach.

“Come now, Sire…”

“Okay, okay, alright. Tell them yet again that I did not know.”

Yea, Gar Bar went into the land and told the people and there was a great eruption of laughter at the absurdity of it all. There no chill but there was laughter. And it was from that day that Gambrach was given a new regnal name. No longer would he merely be called Gambrach. He was now to be known as Gambrach Jon Snow.


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