Chronicles of Chill: The 3 Kings of Disorient

 

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The day of Dan Jumanji was a day of sorrow and regret for the courtiers of Gambrach. “Mene mene tekel upharsin,” wept FemCallamitus.

“Oh, hush!” said Gyretta, as she sipped from her stein of sweet pal mectar. “Tis a time to do more than weeping and speaking in strange tongues,” she said with a strong look of disapproval.

“But I promised the wailer horde fresh Gambrachian wine in the fullness of time, gaddemit! Electoralis is less than 12 moons away. Behold, the fullness of time becometh the shortage and emptiness of time.”

“Our king is in need of redemption,” said Bee Ree.

“Blasphemy!” shouted FemCallamitus, angry. “Who wouldst dare to redeem our redeemer? Our most fragrant blessed Gambrach? Our most – “

“SHUT UP!!!” chorused Gar Bar, Bee Ree, Gyretta and Bashally. “The grown-ups are speaking.”

“Where shall we find this redemption?” Gar Bar asked Bee Ree.

“Have ye heard of the Three Kings of Disorient? No? Well, I shall send them a raven. Gar Bar, you just speak to Mefilius and make sure provision is made to give them a fitting reception and sending off *wink* for their visit.”

“Consider it done, m’lady,” replied Gar Bar.

The following day, Gambrach sat in the throne room, all depressed. Bee Ree was announced and entered into his presence. As ever, Moborius was seated in a corner, waiting with brush and canvas to record the moments for posterity. Gambrach was confused at her buoyant disposition, but he said nothing.

“Your majesty, I have a surprise for you!!! I present to you the 3 Kings of Disorient!”

The lights dimmed in the throne room, which pissed Moborious off, for he could not see what to paint. Suddenly a spotlight shone on the door and there was smoke and soft music playing. A deep voice proclaimed loudly, “Behold the 3 Kings of Disorient who have voyaged to see King Gambrach from the occident, for they have seen his star in the sky! Their names are Momma Loo Thurr, Cousin Loo Thurr and Nephew Loo Thurr. And the 3 kings began to sing.

We three kings of disorient are

Bearing gifts we traverse afar

Airports, traffic, roads and potholes

Following Gambrach’s star

 

O – o star of progress, star of praise

Star to end corruption’s days

Boko defeating

Gaffe repeating

Strict and Spartan in his ways

 

When their song ended, Momma Loo Thur embraced Gambrach, and handed him an enribboned scroll. Shittinski was alarmed at such close contact between unmarried adults and hurriedly left the throne room. Cousin Loo Thur just stood there like a statue and King Roe Chazz looked at her lustfully.

Nephew Loo Thurr then spoke. “We of the famous global Loo Thurr dynasty have viewed Gambrach from afar. Yea, his star doth shine brightly. The most famous of the Loo Thurrs, that is Remy, had a dream that everyone would be equal. And look how equality sweepeth across thy Kingdom. For this reason, for the very first time in Freekah, in the global world, we the Loo Thurrs hereby present him the Concocted Black Month of Black Excellence of Black Historical and Exceptional African Black Supersonic Leadership Award of Blackness 2018. Look, like it was said by the ancient Russian philosopher Igwenitzof Tupacizinsky, Gambrach deserves some accolades!”

“Accolades!” echoed Lady Bee Ree.

“Gambrach has paid his dues!” continued Nephew. “Paid in full!” responded Bee Ree.

Wherefore Moborious painted the moment in full and the Spinning Quills of Gambrach – Lar Yi, Bee Ree, Gar Bar, FemCallamitus, Bashally and Gyretta – louded it unto the ends of the Kingdom. And there was no gaddem chill in the land, for the people were confused. “And canst it be that Gambrach should gain an interest in Remy Loo Thurr’s fame?” they asked one another.

But then news came unto the Social Medianites from the chambers of the children of Remy Loo Thurr and his wife Scottetta that the 3 Kings of Disorient were not sent of them to confer any accolades on Gambrach. And lo, it was another own goal, wherefore Gambrach was known for a moment as Gambrach Escobar. Yea, had the real Loo Thurr’s VAR’d Gambrach and his quills, and even their most ardent fans were handfallen.

“What do we do now, great and wise king?” a forlorn Lar Yi enquired. “Shall I wax another improbable fable of mendacity?”

“No,” said Gambrach as he read a scroll that the raven master had just handed to him. The raven had come from Gideria. A smile played across Gambrach’s face.

“Ha ha!” he chuckled. “Tis the day of Shiwajunfest! Maigheeeurd, I’m going to get turnt again! Tell King Ambsalom of Gideria to block every gaddem road and close every gaddem port for I come thither! That will teach those Social Medianites of Gideria!”

Ambsalom hurriedly shut Gideria down. And in all the land, a single gaddem modicum of chill, nary a gaddem speculum even, could not be found.

There was no chill in the heart of the chronicler either, for the Tword was infused with the spirit of the Killmonger and demanded of the chronicler, “IS THIS YOUR CHRONICLE?????

 

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Chronicles of Chill: The Day of Dan-Jumanji

Thus it was in the tenth month of the third year of the first quadrannium of the reign of Gambrach, that the spirit of the Tword descended upon Shay Who, a senateen of the the kingdom of Dunamis, that is the kingdom of King El-Farquaad. And as the Tword came upon Shay Who, he began to speak, “Behold, o ye people of the Kingdom, ye blessed people which suffereth under the pestilences of thy kings and princes, who eat the fat of the land and leave thee with the pickings. Lo, I am one of them. And I declare to ye this day, that we are paid 14 million shekels from the King’s coin every gaddem month!” And the spirit departed from him, and yea knew he not what he hath done.

The people heard it and were shook to their bones. 14 million shekels??? Wherefore the other senateens gathered themselves as unto a choir, and sang unto senateen Shay Who, the words of the bard Shamsudeen Smeeth, “You say we’re crazy, but you do not know what you have done, and if you’re feeling guilty, just know that you’re the only one!”

And as they sang the ditty, feeling pretty and witty, there was a man of Oyossinia named Veeque Thaw, who the song greatly troubled. He was troubled for he had just been dismissed from the employ of Shittinski, the shit councillor of Gambrach for matters of communications. Shittinski was also of Oyossinia and had made no secret of his desire to succeed King Jimobite once his reign was ended. It was a fate dreaded by all good people of Oyossinia.

Veeque had departed the service of Shittinski but had 14 million shekels outstanding in his pay. He then determined in his heart to write to Shittinksi. But it could not be an ordinary letter. It had to be a scrollage of pomp and circumstance and it had to be shewn to all in Social Mediana. He picked up his quill and parchment and wrote –

“Bitch better have my money! 14 million shekels! BOMBASTIC ENGLISH! BOMBASTIC GRAMMAR! FULLY BOMBASTIC GRAMMAR!!! Pay me what you owe me!!! BOMBASTIC ELEMENT! AMERICAN STINKING SHIT! Don’t act like you forgot! Balling buying cars and houses and chicks that aint your spouses! BOMBASTIC, BOMBASTIC, BOMBASTIIIIIIC!!!!!”

Yea, when Shittinski read the letter, he was offended right from his beard into his gloved hand. “This peasant thinketh he can take on a pharisee in the exchange of letters? He knoweth not what he hath started. IT. IS. ON!”

Wherefore Shittinski, who some of the people had fondly started referring to as Bullshittu, gathered his elite scribes and charged them to respond in kind to Veeque Thaw. Wherefore they replied, also into all of Social Mediana –

“SUPER DUPER UNCOUNTABLE BLACK PANTHER BOMBASTIC GRAMMAR!!! Satanic luciferous phantasmagorimapa!!! DOUBLE BOMBASTIC TO THE POWER OF INFINITY AVENGERS WAR!!! Hanky-Panky bombastic arrow back to sender!!! BOMBASTIC, BOMBASTICAL GRAMMAR!!!”

Yea, the people were amazed at the pedantry of the Bullshittinski clan.

In Gideria, the voice of the people had risen against King Ambsalom, the favoured of Shiwajun. Ambsalom had raised homage taxes in the state and his defenders did their feeble best to convince Giderians it was not to build the electoralis war chest of Shiwajun. And his counsellors came into his palace to let him know that the grumblings of the people were reaching a crescendo and something needed to be done.

“Are they not entertained by the antics of Dinobetes Mellitus,” asked Ambsalom. “Does his war of jestery with King Bellows in Kogitaria, not impalliate their angst?”

“No, O king of the hidden coinage,” they responded. “This is not Kogitaria. It takes more than Kingly and senteenly burlesque to assuage Giderian anger.”

“But I am on a most holy mission to clean up Gideria. Some have rightly called it a Holy Shiwajunihad. My vision is to clean up the many messes we have in this Kingdom.”

“That is a most excellent idea, Your Highness. We shall embark on a project to actualise your vision of scraping the filth off Gideria. Behold, the project shall be called visionscrapings. And the people will be most pleased.”

“Go ye then, and do as ye sayest.”

Thus, all over Gideria, the visionscrapings descended to scrape away the filth. Yea, they scraped and scraped and scraped but Gideria seemed more and more unscrapable. And the voice of Giderians grew louder in unchill.

And as the unchill brewed, news came from Trumpstantinople of the tribe of the Wentbridge Scatterlyticans, who had broken into the Book of Faces. The Scatterlyticans were almost as invasive as the Yetis of Gawd, and had been offered millions of Theresan shekels to break also into the secret library of Gambrach, to reveal the musings of Gambrach to the camp of Gejoshaphat during electoralis. But it was a gaddem waste of money, for Gejoshaphat was defeated, and also because the secret library of Gambrach was bare, for nothing was there.

Lo, as the invasiveness of the Yetis of Gawd persisted, the voice was heard all over Digital Perusia and Social Mediana of Dan Jumanji. Like Gambrach, Shegolas and Gi Dah, he was also a man of Gunn. Yea, like the Farhni Kaynic Illuminatics, he was the unseen hand behind the many quadrannia of the men of the Gunn when they took the throne. All the Kings of Gunn rolled the dice with Dan Jumanji.

And like Shay Who, the Tword also descended upon Dan Jumanji, making him break rank and speak unnatural words unto the people. “Brethren, the time cometh when ye all must pick up thy weapons to defend thyselves against the hordes of the Yetis of Gawd. For the King’s Armies are with them, not with thee!”

Wherefore, in unchill, a Twillistian, AndyRoid broke into ancient tongues, saying, “Entropy has eroded the equilibrium within the cassava solution via an excessive infusion of dihydrogen oxide.” Yea, water passeth garri.

And there was no gaddem chill in the entire gaddam land!

Chronicles of Chill: The Perilous Perils of Gambrach

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The Kingdom of Twillistia suffereth unchill and the chronicler recordeth it by force. Tributaries of unrest flowed unrelenting into the river of unchill, from which the people bathed and cooked and swum. It was an extreme age and King Gambrach suffered contentions from many sides.

Gambrach had received yet another letter beseeching him to abandon electoralis, on this occasion from Gi Dah, another of the Kings of quadrannia past. But Gambrach was unyielding, so the Tword sent 2 plagues into the land. Well, twas only one plague, but doubly manifested – for a snake and a monkey made off with bags of the Kingdom’s coin.

Yea, when Gambrach heard it, he was troubled. “Behold, I had believed in my heart that the Furious Five were doers of good. Wilt Master Mantis and Master Crane and the Dragon Warrior Kung-Fu Panda also invade our land to steal our coin? Which one of ye can summon Master Oogway from the spirit realm to stop this?”

And Gar Bar responded, “there is a young man in the land, named Par Dee, son of Knoo Gar – he is a 7th dan of the 29th chamber of the trojan horse in the shaolin temple. Yea, he possesseth a blackened belt in Abandex style, having trained under Master Oogway himself. Shall I send for him?” But Par Dee was away from the Kingdom, on a clandestine odyssey of leonine conquests, with his consigliere, Ed Gar.

The Yetis of Gawd continue to ravage the land, sad for the loss of the traditional routes of ancient ancestral migrations. And the forces of Gambrach comprehendeth them not. Wherefore Gambrach charged the head of his constabulary, Heebra Driss saying, “Go thou into Ben Way and depart not therefrom until thou subduest the Yetis.” But Heebra Driss hath a turnup he couldest not miss for any gaddem thing in the world. And yea, he went to get turnt.

And the people were amazed that the constabulary head could disobey the King without consequence but FemCallamitus set the record straight, saying “Oh ye ignorant heifers! Know ye not that the Head Constable is accountable to the Mystical Confederation of Constables and not to the King?” Yea, even Gambrach was confused by the utterance of FemCallamitus and sent for Heebra Driss to ask where exactly the mystical confederation was located.

Alas, tragedy struck as Heebra Driss proceeded to Bedrock. Ndour, the son of Gambrach had struck a horse racing wager with his companion, to find out whose fine Arabian steed was the swiftest of foot. Behold, they raced through the streets of Boo Jar, at breakneck pace but the horses suddenly came upon a stretch of road untended to by the Road Repairers Counselate, under the stewardship of Flasholas, Gambrach’s tripartite Counsellor. And thus it was that the horses reared and threw their riders and all feared for Ndour and his unnamed friend.

Heebra Driss witnessed it all and quickly summoned Solomon Grundy, Gambrach’s Counsellor for Sanguinity. Grundy gathered all the leading physicians in the land and constituted them into the National Council for the Urgent Recovery of Ndour (NACOFURN) and chaired it. Lo, NACOFURN conjured all the ancient healing magic of the land to guide Ndour back to health. It was not easy and they had to transplant some of Gambrach’s fiddledeoxyribonucleicacid into Ndour’s marrow to rescue him. Yea, was he rescued and Ndour, like his father, became as fit as a fiddle. The Tword be praised.

And with the recovery of Ndour, Gambrach’s legend waxed stronger in North Easteros. “He is so spartan”, the people said, “that his own son, the prince and sole heir, was not thrown from a chariot of gold. Nay! He rode on a horse like the rest of us.” And the Arabian breeders herd of it and yea, they were tickled.

Lo, Gambrach would have been depressed by the near miss but behold 2 of his homies were giving out the hands of their daughters in marriage and the mother of all litness was about to descend into the city of Boo Jar.

First was the wedding of the Skinnee Ma, daughter of Lee Ko, the richest man in all of Freekah. Yea, was it turnt, with even the Gates of Billy (not a scandal) in attendance. From there, twas the wedding of Venus de Milola, daughter of Osinoshin to the son of the legendary courtesan to all the queens in Boo Jar since the dawn of time, Lady Ga Sha. Like the Chronicler, thou also wonderest the groom of Skinnee Ma, right? Right? RIGHT???

And in the middle of getting turnt, Gar Bar came to fetch Gambrach for he was due to depart to Kagamestan to sign a treaty to marketise the kingdoms of Freekah. But Gambrach was all partied out. And Kagamestan was not Jandinia. “I have no desire to go to Kagamestan”, Gambrach said to Gar Bar. “As the crippled giant of Freekah, can we not tell them it will take us six months to limp to Kagamestan?”

“Sire, they know of our fleet of flying chariots”, replied Gar Bar. “They wilt not believe us.”

“What is the treaty for, anyway?” asked Gambrach. “Our Kings of previous quadrannia do not keep their loot in Kagamestan – why do we need to sign a treaty with them?”

“Sire, we are signing the treaty so that the people of Freekah can trade freely with one another.”

“Freely? What is that? You mean they won’t pay”

“Yes sire. But then neither will we.”

“Wait first. No further excise?”

“No sire.”

“My ride or die homeboy Brah Meed won’t be able to charge them excise for bringing their goods? The coinage he counts for me daily will diminish?”

“Possibly, sire.”

“WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME? WTF IS THIS??? Please, please, please, this is not the way of the Wakandans. I need to calm my navvs and think a bit about this.”

And the people heard it and were troubled. It was whispered that the King had stumbled onto some ancient scrolls telling the prophecy of a land to come. Wakandanese had filtered even into House Apicura, with electoralis at hand.

Lo, there was also a gushing of wahala morghulis in House Apicuria, with the housemen jostling for primacy in the coming shenanigans of electoralis. Gambrach knew he was piss poor at political gymnastics and sent for Shiwajun again.

“Yo, gee. What’s up? Where’s the wahala morghulis I wished thee to give Shegolas? And before thou answerest seest thou not our own wahala morghulis? Wilst thou not purge Apicuria of it? And again what is this shit of bull freedom of trade in Kagamestan? Canst thou not get me out of it?”

Yea, did Shiwajun pause and then, when he spoke, launched he into the most epic of rants. “O Gambrach, why lamentest thou? Have ye not heard of what is called – o how canst I translate it from my mother tongue – buharitage? Thou contendeth electoralis as an Annipalopulan and once did thou lose, yea even unto the second time. This is thy buharitage. Thou contendest as a Corpuconian and again thy buharitage preventeth ascension not once but twice. Behold, thou carriest on thy back 4 electorales of buharitage and twas not until my arrival in thy camp that thou couldest ascend. Thou ascendest finish, thou come forgeteth me and my guys. Thy buharitage cometh back to haunt thee now and now thou rememberest Shiwajun. To remove the burden of your buharitage. Issokay, I wilt do thy bidding. Just make sure that fool Yay Goon, stays out of my way.”

And the people heard of it and there was no gaddem chill in the entire kingdom!