Chronicles of Chill: The Second Epistle of Shegolas of Owurutas

Brethren, it was a time of cosmic unchills, back to back to back. The pestilences of petrolatic famine (which flew by day) and the murderous Yetis of Gawd (which flew by night) did not abate. Still, Gambrach said nothing. Lo, the people groaned in their homes, in the fields and in the temples and in the synagogues.

And when the keepers of the temples and synagogues heard the groaning, they tried to unlook and unhear it as they had for several quadrannia. But this was no ordinary groaning – it was groaning that had doh re me fa soh la ti do embedded in it. Behold, the spirit of pulpito incandescenta descended on the keepers of the temples and synagogues, causing them to cry in unison, “Procure ye thy cards of enfrachisement, for electoralis is at hand! Gambrach the Vanished hath become Gambrach the Deaf and Gambrach the Blind!” Yea, were they joined by the High Priest of the Illuminati, Farhni Kay.

The Deliverance Squad Squadron, in the tension of their unlooking of the Yetis of Gawd, heard the temple keepers and found their proclamation repugnant to the gambrachene spirit of which the squadron was possessed. And so they delivered Farhni Kay and some temple keepers to the squadron dungeons for a time. And Farhni Kay regaled them with the many legends of the unseen hand of the illuminati. The squadron could only take it for so long and they quickly released the men that they had delivered.

Gar Bar and FemCallamitus came unto Gambrach to tell him that the unchill in the land was overflowing its banks and he needed to do something. Gambrach agreed. Wherefore he summoned the leaders of the Apicureans to a banquet at Bedrock. Yea, it was tagged of hash as #BedBanq. Behold, Gambrach said unto them, “I welcome ye all to this banquet feast which we have tagged of hash ‘BedBanq’. I summoned ye hither to give thee a charge, nay, a great commission. After ye have eaten of the fat of my kitchen, go ye then unto the ends of the Kingdom to tell the people that I have heard their gaddem whining. Wheeeeen-wheeeen-wheeeen, like babies. I have heard and tis enough! For I am never ever in a hurry to accomplish aught. Why? Just look at the piss poor cabinet it took me 6 moons to select! Had I been in a hurry, would they not have been even more dismal? So, sing after me… Pacito, pacito…

Behold, the people heard it but the unchill was already of cosmic proportions. It couldn’t get any worse.

Then, it was told unto the Twilistians by the Kalahari Newsbearers that Bar Kar, Gambrach’s chief lawman (who had by now convinced everyone that the N was silent), had approached the magistrates for an injunctio dawonduro against the senatii. “My Lords,” he prayed the magistrates, “give me a dawonduro against senatii, for they probe my facilitation of the return of Oje Marina.”

“Can senatii not investigate malfeasance by the King’s men?” asked the magistrates.

“Not when it will implicate them, gaddemmit!!!” replied Bar Kar.

Behold, before the magistrates could give their verdict, Bar Kar was summoned back to Bedrock with urgency, by Kyocera. Lady Yeesha, the King’s wife, was sending word into Twilistia and Social Mediana. Lo, the word she was sending were the re-sent words of senateen Bruce Sensey Lee and his brethren, condemning Gambrach’s seemingly tacit endorsement of the Yetis of Gawd.

The people could not believe their eyes and ears! Could the King’s wife be amplifying words raised against her King? But before the people could say ‘my yeti allure’, her daughter, Asos, also sent a parable into Social Mediana, of an impending day of doom!

“What the gaddem hell goeth on in Gambrach’s other room????” the people demanded, confused by it all.

But Gambrach’s unlooking game was strong. And it was in that day that he announced that King Roe Chazz of Imolek, who had made Imolek famous for his massive erections, wouldst be his electoralis coordinator in the Easterosi kingdoms. Roe Chazz licked his lips and grabbed his crotch at the news. His finest work was still ahead of him.

And as the people muttered and the unchill rumbled on, suddenly a loud trumpet sound rent the air. Many thought it was the moment they would be caught up in the sky – they were ready to go, to be honest, for the unchill in the kingdom was indeed severe – but it was not yet that time. No. The trumpets were blown from the royal courts of King Shegolas of Owurutas, who preceded Mah Roo and Gejoshaphat on the throne. Like Gambrach, Shegolas had also reigned previously in quadrannia long ago, as a Man of Gunn (the chronology of the kings of the kingdom is recorded here). Unlike Gambrach who could not produce his scroll de minimis however, Shegolas was devoted to learning and had just been awarded a Pimping Happening Daddy scroll. Behold, it was turnt.

Yea, the trumpet blew for King Shegolas was about to make an important declaration. Nay, it was an epistle, enscrolled in a scroll. Lo, it was unscrolled and read to the people. And maaaaaiiiiiigheeeeeeeurdddddd, there was no gaddem chill in the stratos. It read –

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggghhhhhh! Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggh! Thou art my guy, but duuuuude! I knew thou wast fully capable of falling my hand but gadddemmm!!! Thou knowest nought about the econominix but didst thou listen to counsel from errconominists? Uhn uhnnn!! Thou knowest nought of diplomacy but didst thou employ skilled envoys? Thou knowest nothing of scribery yet thou employest frigging Gar Bar and FemCallamitus??? Dude! Come on!!!!

“Thou unlookest the works of the Yetis of Gawd, looking for lands to reward them with. Thou sayest thou fighteth corruption, yet your guy eateth Kwarapta Intrusivo and walketh free.

“And I defended thee at electoralis when thy enemies claimed that the spirit of Nepotismo dwelt strongly within thee. Yet thou puttest all the swords and arrows and spears of the kingdom under the charge of thy kinsmen. In the words of the ancient prophet Lateefus Kayodensis, “WHAT KIND OF JOB YOU DOING???”

“My guy, just quit. Move on. Go home and milk some cows, mehn. If thou lovest the kingdom, thou wilt not contend electoralis. We cannot afford to have a King that liveth in the palace of Madam Two Swords anymore. Selah.”

Of course, there was no gaddem chill in the land.

Now, Gambrach’s unlooking game was the best in the world but even he could not unlook the epistle of Shegolas. Immediately, he summoned Shiwajun and Candy B, SouthWesterosi gentry and Apicureans of stature.

“Shiwajun, I need you to unleash the Wahala Morghulis on Shegolas. Right away. This one, I am in a hurry to do. Wahala Morghulis now!”

“Patience, sire,” replied Shiwajun. “Patience.”

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