Chronicles of Chill: The Second Epistle of Shegolas of Owurutas

Brethren, it was a time of cosmic unchills, back to back to back. The pestilences of petrolatic famine (which flew by day) and the murderous Yetis of Gawd (which flew by night) did not abate. Still, Gambrach said nothing. Lo, the people groaned in their homes, in the fields and in the temples and in the synagogues.

And when the keepers of the temples and synagogues heard the groaning, they tried to unlook and unhear it as they had for several quadrannia. But this was no ordinary groaning – it was groaning that had doh re me fa soh la ti do embedded in it. Behold, the spirit of pulpito incandescenta descended on the keepers of the temples and synagogues, causing them to cry in unison, “Procure ye thy cards of enfrachisement, for electoralis is at hand! Gambrach the Vanished hath become Gambrach the Deaf and Gambrach the Blind!” Yea, were they joined by the High Priest of the Illuminati, Farhni Kay.

The Deliverance Squad Squadron, in the tension of their unlooking of the Yetis of Gawd, heard the temple keepers and found their proclamation repugnant to the gambrachene spirit of which the squadron was possessed. And so they delivered Farhni Kay and some temple keepers to the squadron dungeons for a time. And Farhni Kay regaled them with the many legends of the unseen hand of the illuminati. The squadron could only take it for so long and they quickly released the men that they had delivered.

Gar Bar and FemCallamitus came unto Gambrach to tell him that the unchill in the land was overflowing its banks and he needed to do something. Gambrach agreed. Wherefore he summoned the leaders of the Apicureans to a banquet at Bedrock. Yea, it was tagged of hash as #BedBanq. Behold, Gambrach said unto them, “I welcome ye all to this banquet feast which we have tagged of hash ‘BedBanq’. I summoned ye hither to give thee a charge, nay, a great commission. After ye have eaten of the fat of my kitchen, go ye then unto the ends of the Kingdom to tell the people that I have heard their gaddem whining. Wheeeeen-wheeeen-wheeeen, like babies. I have heard and tis enough! For I am never ever in a hurry to accomplish aught. Why? Just look at the piss poor cabinet it took me 6 moons to select! Had I been in a hurry, would they not have been even more dismal? So, sing after me… Pacito, pacito…

Behold, the people heard it but the unchill was already of cosmic proportions. It couldn’t get any worse.

Then, it was told unto the Twilistians by the Kalahari Newsbearers that Bar Kar, Gambrach’s chief lawman (who had by now convinced everyone that the N was silent), had approached the magistrates for an injunctio dawonduro against the senatii. “My Lords,” he prayed the magistrates, “give me a dawonduro against senatii, for they probe my facilitation of the return of Oje Marina.”

“Can senatii not investigate malfeasance by the King’s men?” asked the magistrates.

“Not when it will implicate them, gaddemmit!!!” replied Bar Kar.

Behold, before the magistrates could give their verdict, Bar Kar was summoned back to Bedrock with urgency, by Kyocera. Lady Yeesha, the King’s wife, was sending word into Twilistia and Social Mediana. Lo, the word she was sending were the re-sent words of senateen Bruce Sensey Lee and his brethren, condemning Gambrach’s seemingly tacit endorsement of the Yetis of Gawd.

The people could not believe their eyes and ears! Could the King’s wife be amplifying words raised against her King? But before the people could say ‘my yeti allure’, her daughter, Asos, also sent a parable into Social Mediana, of an impending day of doom!

“What the gaddem hell goeth on in Gambrach’s other room????” the people demanded, confused by it all.

But Gambrach’s unlooking game was strong. And it was in that day that he announced that King Roe Chazz of Imolek, who had made Imolek famous for his massive erections, wouldst be his electoralis coordinator in the Easterosi kingdoms. Roe Chazz licked his lips and grabbed his crotch at the news. His finest work was still ahead of him.

And as the people muttered and the unchill rumbled on, suddenly a loud trumpet sound rent the air. Many thought it was the moment they would be caught up in the sky – they were ready to go, to be honest, for the unchill in the kingdom was indeed severe – but it was not yet that time. No. The trumpets were blown from the royal courts of King Shegolas of Owurutas, who preceded Mah Roo and Gejoshaphat on the throne. Like Gambrach, Shegolas had also reigned previously in quadrannia long ago, as a Man of Gunn (the chronology of the kings of the kingdom is recorded here). Unlike Gambrach who could not produce his scroll de minimis however, Shegolas was devoted to learning and had just been awarded a Pimping Happening Daddy scroll. Behold, it was turnt.

Yea, the trumpet blew for King Shegolas was about to make an important declaration. Nay, it was an epistle, enscrolled in a scroll. Lo, it was unscrolled and read to the people. And maaaaaiiiiiigheeeeeeeurdddddd, there was no gaddem chill in the stratos. It read –

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggghhhhhh! Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggh! Thou art my guy, but duuuuude! I knew thou wast fully capable of falling my hand but gadddemmm!!! Thou knowest nought about the econominix but didst thou listen to counsel from errconominists? Uhn uhnnn!! Thou knowest nought of diplomacy but didst thou employ skilled envoys? Thou knowest nothing of scribery yet thou employest frigging Gar Bar and FemCallamitus??? Dude! Come on!!!!

“Thou unlookest the works of the Yetis of Gawd, looking for lands to reward them with. Thou sayest thou fighteth corruption, yet your guy eateth Kwarapta Intrusivo and walketh free.

“And I defended thee at electoralis when thy enemies claimed that the spirit of Nepotismo dwelt strongly within thee. Yet thou puttest all the swords and arrows and spears of the kingdom under the charge of thy kinsmen. In the words of the ancient prophet Lateefus Kayodensis, “WHAT KIND OF JOB YOU DOING???”

“My guy, just quit. Move on. Go home and milk some cows, mehn. If thou lovest the kingdom, thou wilt not contend electoralis. We cannot afford to have a King that liveth in the palace of Madam Two Swords anymore. Selah.”

Of course, there was no gaddem chill in the land.

Now, Gambrach’s unlooking game was the best in the world but even he could not unlook the epistle of Shegolas. Immediately, he summoned Shiwajun and Candy B, SouthWesterosi gentry and Apicureans of stature.

“Shiwajun, I need you to unleash the Wahala Morghulis on Shegolas. Right away. This one, I am in a hurry to do. Wahala Morghulis now!”

“Patience, sire,” replied Shiwajun. “Patience.”

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Chronicles of Chill: The Yetis of Gawd

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And thus it was in the land that the Tides of Yule ebbed and a glorious new year was born. The famine petrolatum persisted as, between the Three Wise Men of Petrolatum – Gambrach who was his own counsellor for petrolatum, E-Dawg who was the sub-counsellor & Baruch who led the King’s Drillmen, as well as the aforetold puppyfication of E-Dawg – none could tell why it remained scarce. Gambrach could not tell anything, to be fair to him, as he spoke to the people with ever reducing frequency.

Yea, it was in the fervency of that moment of unchill that Lady Zek Way came unto the Twilistians and declared, “Behold, as the season of electoralis descendeth upon us like a smog of depravity, let the houses of Padipalia and Apicuria take heed that today, I brandish a red plank of eviction. For their Kings and Counsellors have failed us and the time for a new reign must be at hand. Lo, the dawn of the age of the Third Force!”

“But thou wert counsellor to a Padipalian king,” the Bullshit MaChinery arm of the Lovengers responded. “Do you simply rage because Gambrach giveth thee not face?”

Wherefore she chuckled and said unto them in intermittent caplocks,”I have NEITHER need for face FROM Gambrach, nor the APPROVAL of thE LEAGUE of SCOFfers with which HE surrounds HIMSELF. But yea, SHALL I RAISE a league of red PLANKERS who will stand FOR a thiRD foRCE of CREDIBILITY!”

“But Gambrach is a good king!” the Lovengers protested, “Where is thy counterfactual evidence???”

But before Lady Zek Way could respond, the air was filled with cries of despair from the Palace of King of Autumn of Ben-Way. The Benwegians were a peaceful people, blessed by the gods with the most fertile earth in the 37 kingdoms. But from the lands further north came a league of fearsome pastoral herdsmen who led their flocks wherever they gaddem felt like. For them, nothing was more sacred than the hunger of their flock.¬† Wherever the owners of farmlands resisted them, these herdsman came back with such fire and fury the likes of which the farmers had never seen. Like Gambrach and El-Farquaad, these herdsmen were Fulannisters, and ye know the saying of El-Farquaad that “Fulannisters always collect their debts.” Lo, these herdsmen were of a wider union gang, who called themselves the Yetis of Gawd.

The Fulannister Pastoralists struck the Benwegians most mightily, killing several and then 3 score and a baker’s dozen.

King Autumn wept.

All the way to Bedrock, King Autumn wept, for like the people of the 37 kingdoms, he needed to hear Gambrach’s words of consolation. The people also thought there would be another sighting of the Waltzing Python of the King’s Armies for Car Knoo and his Ipobusinians had done far less before the armies swooped in and baptised¬†him in the ocean of disappearance. But Gambrach said naught and there was great unchill in the land.

“Wawu!!!!” cried the people, “Gambrach saith nothing. Behold, he condemneth not the Yetis of Gawd. Is it because, like him, they are also Fulannisters?”

Wherefore FemCallamitus, in eager subservience, rushed into Twilistia protesting, “No, no, no. How canst ye say these despicable things against Gambrach the most noble, of the softest side? Know ye not that the Yetis slew 45,678,900 and three quarters under the reign of Gejoshaphat? Only 45,678, 552 have been slain under Gambrach, shewing that the Yetis are far less deadly under the reign of a fellow Fulannister.”

And the rumble of unchill grew, for the people could not fathom how nothing was unfathomable for FemCallamitus. But there was more unchill to come, for the Head Yeti had sent word into Twilistia. “Tis true that we slew the Benwegians. They were slain because after we passed through their kingdom, we saw that our livestock had reduced in number. It was a debt that was owed to us and ye knowest the ancient saying – a Fulannister always collects his debts.”

And a mist of fiery and furious unchill descended upon the land. There was no gaddem chill in the land.

There was also sadness in a corner of Twilistia, for Van Chee, a friend and brother to many and a dedicated student of the scrolls of the chronicles had crossed the Great Divide. He was greatly loved.