The Chronicles of Chill: The Epistle of FeiFei Van Der Putin


In the 16th month of the reign of King Gambrach, the word of Woo Doo, Gambrach’s councillor for farming went out to the people. “Behold!” he proclaimed, “and let they that mix manure for farmers take heed, that it is high treason to mix manure and ship to other kingdoms for profit, when the farmers in our kingdom have no manure. Let it be known that any such manure mixer found to be doing this shall be banished from the kingdom.”


On hearing the proclamation had to do with manure, councillor Shittinksi Bulltshittu thought perhaps he might be of help. But Woo Doo had enough incompetence of his own to deliver the message and did not need to borrow additional incompetence from any of his co-councillors.


The people in the kingdom shrugged, for many looked to suffer banishment away from the preils and travails of the kingdom. But for FeiFei van der Putin, Ondonesian minister on exile in Jandinia, it was one derelict proclamation too many from the council of Gambrach.


FeiFei van der Putin was a marketinian apostle, writing several epistles to the people of the Kingdom, and counsel for Gambrach, on how they might find chill. Lo, his epistles found great readership in the land. FeiFei van der Putin had spoken very highly of Gambrach during electoralis federalis, and together with his fellow apostle KinYe, led the Twilistianly renowned Why Nations Fail Ministries.


FeiFei van der Putin was the High Sparrow of the gospel of marketology in Social Mediana and had increasingly grown vocal in his sermons against Mefilius and his management of the coin and Gambrach and his reign. However, the proclamation of Woo Doo proved far too much for him to bear and in a holy fury, he picked up his parchment and quill and wrote another epistle to the brethren in Twilistia.


“Brethren, in as much as I was a voice in the wilderness proclaiming that the Kingdom of Gambrach was at hand, and to the unlikely extent that I was able to sway you to elect Gambrach in electoralis, I tender my deep apology.”


And the spirit of Wawu swept across the land, as many did not believe own eyes of Twilistians. For electoralis had wreaked a chasm in Twilistia, and the support of many like the Why Nations Fail Ministries had led to the rise of the Lovengers. And after the spirit of Wawu had settled and departed, behold, there was a stirring and a rumbling among the people and all chill departed the land.


“Why apologiseth thee? Gejoshaphat was never in the reckoning. Yea, even if Gambrach were to obliterate the Kingdom from the face of the earth, verily I would stand with him in the void. Behold, I would cast for Gambrach again and again, even if he killeth my mother and father.”


“Why apologiseth thee for the manner in which thy vote was cast? Surely, if thou, the Lovengers and all who who cast their vote wouldst apologise, surely it would be for the manner in which thou spake and speakest even yet unto they who wouldst not cast with thee.”


“FeiFei van der Putin speakest the truth. For Gambrach disappointeth us sorely.”


“Why wouldest thou seek forgiveness, FeiFei van der Putin? Curses on them that would deny us the blessing of basking in the glorious sunlight of the reign of Gambrach.”


And the voices of unchill rumbled and rumbled until the sound carried into Gambrach’s palace. And lo, twas his valets and footmen for Social Mediana that first responded to the people. They said, “Get thee it not twisted, this shit is bants. We shall give thee megaphones to amplify thine unchill.”


And it came to pass that finally the news was carried into the sacred chambers of Gambrach by Osinoshin.


“O Gambrach, great and mighty King. First of your name. Neuterer of technocrats. Arbiter of density for the floatation of the coin. Behold I come with news from Twilistia and Social Mediana.”


“Ah. Osinjo.”


“Osinoshin, your Highness.”


“Ah, yes. Please pardon me. It’s the Many Years Disease again.”


“Your Highness, there are rumblings in the land. The Lovengers, the eaters of the grain of the feast of Queen Yeeshah and even FeiFei van der Putin; they all turn against you and forsake their defence of your reign of omnigoodness.”


“Hmm. Hmm. … Hmm. So when next shall we be in Europotamia?”


“In 7 weeks’ time, your Highness. But the cry of the people, good king.. ”


“… Oh, good. There existeth an abundance of time before I shall be required to give thought to their complaints. Tell Mefilius that it is my command for him to independently decide that only the couriers of Westania Iounonium may remit foeign coin to our land henceforth.”


“Your Highness, great and mighty king, I beseech thee that thou mayest reconsider, we frighten the holders of foreign coin away. Behold, they wouldst not even give audience to Mefilius on his last sojourn.”


“Ah. Osinjo. I hearest thee no more. It appeareth my Many Years Disease affliction is upon me again. Come back next week.”


And outside the palace and throughout Twilistia, the rumbling continued, and there was no gaddem chill in the land.


The Chronicles of Chill: Tempus Fudgedit & Cappé Didinrin


Brethren, it had been a most challenging time in the land. The Iron Bank of Boo Jar, under the inauspicious supervision of Mefilius had placed an embargo on the importation of chronicular parchments. Behold, in spite of his independently mandated floatation of the coin of the land, there was no respite for the people, and both quill and parchment were in short supply.

Indeed, the lovengers, who had previously been completely enamoured of Gambrach, were slowly joining the swell of lamentations in the land, as one thing after the other went askew. Gambrach had shown himself not much changed from his first coming as severe man of Gunn, and his affliction with Many Years Disease appeared not to have lifted in spite of the best efforts of the Jandinian meisters. Such was the disillusionment with the reign of Gambrach that the music of popular bard, Harrimus Songinus, Bluesian Reggae, was re-written as a lamentation of the people.

The travails of Abushola at senatii did not abate, and yea, was it alleged that together with his deputy Equerry Mah-Du, the rules of senatii under which they emerged Warden and deputy had been forged. Lo, was a charge proferred against them before the magistrate. And Dinobetes Mellitus, right hand man of Abushola was displeased. And yea, in his righteous displeasure did he gather other members of senatii to declare the forgery allegations false and threaten them with sanctions. Mimi, wife of Shiwajun, was present at senatii and objected to the use by Dinobetes Mellitus of threatening language, asking him, “Why comportest thyself like a pleb and why speakest thou the words of an unpolished, brute thug?”

Dinobetes was renowned for his short temper and, having no words to counter Mimi’s description of him, lunged at her, but was restrained by his colleagues. “Thou art lucky, Mimi, wife of Shiwajun”, he was said to have cried, “for were it not for this collegial restraint placed upon me by my colleagues, yea, would I have come into you and known you and filled you up with child!” Behold, this was the repot that was brought to the people.

And the people were shocked and filled with despisement of Dinobetes and warned him, verily, to stay away from Gideria, the heartland of Shiwajun’s influence. “Beware the wrath of Shiwajun”, they warned.  But Dinobetes, not to be cowed, went to the port of winged chariots and proclaimed boldly, “Behold, I come to Gideria.” And when he had reached Gideria, proclaimed again, “Behold, I set my feet on the sands of Gideria. Where be they who dared me?” Not satisfied with his display of, uhm, bravefulness, Dinobetes Mellitus proceeded to the street upon which the house of Shiwajun was built and had the moment captured for posterity in an engraving with the caption, “Behold Dinobetes, the great stander on the street of Shiwajun!”

But the people did not salute the bravefulness of Dinobetes and he soon found himself in the village square defending himself against the words he was alleged to have spoken in senatii. “Verily, verily, I say unto ye, that they lie who allege that I threatened to fill and endow and imbue Mimi wife of Shiwajun with child. Though I have no fear of Shiwajun, tis not possible that such words could have proceeded from my mouth, for clearly she arriveth menopause!” And the people were astounded at the wisdom of Dinobetes.

And lo, the time came again for the finest athletes in the land to sojourn for the quadrannial olympiad. Gambrach had appointed his councillor for sports, a man named DaKidney and the Kingdom’s conquest at the olympiad was under his supervision. DaKidney had first impressed the people of Twilistia with his manner of dress – the unusual garb of cubanic revolutionaries. However, with only days before the commencement of the olympiad, the Kingdom’s athletes came into Twilistia and Social Mediana to petition the people of the land. “ComeFundMe” cried the athletes, one after the other, “for the Kingdom has yet to pay for my voyage to olympia.”

“How is this possible” asked the people, “when DaKidney the cubanic councillor is the one in charge? Surely, he knoweth better than the others the science of administration. He is cubanic, is he not?”

But the cry from the atheletes grew louder, and DaKidney was finally forced to reply. “Be still and shut your goddam mouths! Beware that ye do not piss me off! Didst thou tell me you were preparing to depart for olympia? Is it incumbent upon me to procure your safe passage? How counter-revolutionary! How effete! How petit-bourgeoisie and latte-sipping compradoring of thee! Take ye heed and be ye therefore warned, that if anyone of thee makest noise about insufficiency of comfort, thou shalt be punished! Viva la revoluçion!!!”

And the people were astounded, for such a shambolic departure for olympia was not what they expected from DaKidney, or the reign of Gambrach. And the people were further upset by other members of the geriatric council of Gambrach. Woo Do, councillor for farming wished to import grass from Lebanon to feed the cows and quell the herders crisis in the country. Shittinski had nothing of note to say from the time he entered the council, but in his defence, he had busied himself trading his scruffy garments for raiment new. Lar Yi continued to be ridiculed for his liberty with facts and truth. Gambrach himself was meeting the increasing inability of the people, yea even the lovengers, to hide astonishment as he favoured filling the key posts in the kingdom with people from his hamlet.

Brethren, it was a hard time. And there was no gaddem chill in the land.