The Chronicles of Chill: What Ears Have Heard

Floating Coin 2 


It continued to be a most peculiar time in the land, and in the twin cities of Social Mediana and Twilistia. In spite of the cries of agony pervading the land, people found pleasure in crowning themselves with roses and daisies. Behold, did it happen that not only women paraded themselves crowned in botanical glory, but so also did many men. These be-flowered people came to be known as The Brotherhood and Sisterhood of the Snappy Chat – which was the name of the most prominent flower in the bouquet.


And Gambrach was disgusted at the enflowerment of the people, for it was evidence of unwarranted levity in a time that surely required grave severity. For there was corruption still to be fought, corrupt people to be named and convictions to be secured.


And thus it was, as the first year of Gambrach’s reign was coming to a close, the king proclaimed that the names of all those who converted the kingdom’s commonwealth during the reign of Gejoshaphat would be published. Yea, had these men and women been detained by the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission, and it was said by the men of the king, that many had willingly yielded over some possessions to the kingdom. But the Everly Commission was yet seeking their convictions. And when the list came forth, the people beheld it and saw that none was named. And when they asked why the names had not been written, according to the order of Gambrach, Oshinoshin his Hand replied, “A looter has no name.”


And there were rumblings in the land.


In Ekitilopia, the cries of the workers had risen to king Yode, for he owed them several months’ wages. And when he answered them not, each man and woman cast his hand away from the plough and they declared that they would no longer work. Having no coin to satisfy their wages, and with the doors of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar shut against the lower kingdoms, Yode also declared that he would no longer work, in solidarity with his workers. Seest the impossibility in making a joke here? Behold, it was the most bizarre thing the chronicler had beheld.


It was also in this day that E-Dawg went all the way to the Appalachian Mountains to fetch a chief of Native Indian heritage to represent the land at the Congress of Black Oil Makers (COBOM). It was well known that the Appalachians are the best in dealing in Black Oil. And all hailed the chief brought by E-Dawg. And the chief’s name was Barking Dog. It was therefore no surprise also, that Barking Dog and E-Dawg were homies.


To celebrate Chief Barking Dog’s ascension at COBOM, Gambrach proclaimed that all the deltoid fields that had suffered spillings of black oil over the years would be cleansed. Lo, did he purpose in his heart to mark the commencement of the cleansing with pomp and fanfare. And it came to pass that on the day set forth for the commemoration, news came to the people that Osinoshin would attend in his place. And news came to the people that Gambrach was ill, with Many Years Disease. The king’s meisters in Boo Jar had done their best, but felt it would be better for the meisters in Jandinia to have a look.


And there was a louder rumbling in the land, led by the meisters not in Boo Jar. “Knoweth Gambrach not that we are possessed of several meisters, most skilled in Many Years Disease? Why goeth he to Jandinia?”


And many in Twilistia had not heard of Many Years Disease prior to Gambrach’s affliction. Lo, they quickly consulted the oracle Googlam and it was revealed to them that Many Years Disease, as the name implied, came upon those who had stubbornly held on to beliefs for ‘many years’. Duh uh.


And when Gambrach reached Jandinia, the meisters examined him and asked, “Where doth the Many Years Disease afflict thee?”


“In my ear”, answered Gambrach.


“Why you sef no dey hear word?” asked the head meister in Jandinian English?


“Ehn?” said Gambrach, gesturing to show that he did not hear what the meister had asked, and turned his other ear toward him. “Oho”, answered the meister, and yinmued at him.


“Ehn?” repeated Gambrach.


“I say make you no worry; say we go arrange you new ear, you go soon dey hear word” said the doctor again, in his crisp, upper class Jandinian accent.


And the meisters gave Gambrach a new ear, but he had to convalesce for 13 days before he could return to the land. And while Gambrach slept, the Tword came to him in the still of the night and spake mysteries unto him. As Gambrach awoke, he sent a raven with a parchment to Mefilius, the independent head of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar, instructing him on what independent steps he ought to take, as revealed by the Tword.


In a short while, the parchment reached Mefilius, and it read as follows –


“Mefilius my boy, what goeth on? How hangest it? Hope this meetest thou in the bestest of health. If so, doxology. Last night I had a dream. In the dream, I held a bag of coin in my hand, as I walked along the banks of a river. But the coin was only for use across the other side of the river, and lo I was surrounded by people seeking to cross, begging me for this special coin, so they could trade across the river. And I asked them, “what wilst thou buy?” and they answered “toothpicks & chocolates & luxurious dresses”. As you can imagine, I was filled with rage, and decided that these were not wise uses for the riverine coin. So I began to choose which of them I would give coin, simply by looking at their faces, searching for sincerity and propriety of purpose.


“But even more people craved the coin for the other side of the river; and yet the coin for my side of the river seemed to become more scarce as I rationed the other side’s.   And I was confused. For one year I sat by the riverside paralysed by confusion. And then a voice said unto me, ‘Gambrach!’ And I replied ‘Who goes there? Identify yourself!’ And the voice said ‘Cool down. Chill first. Take the bag of coin in your hand and throw it into the river.’ And I said, ‘Say that again into my new ear, I think my old ear heard you say throw the money into the water.’ And the voice said, ‘Yeah. Do it.’


“So I threw the bag into the water. And at first the bag sank, as I expected. But before I could say ‘WAEC Certificate’, a light shone through the river from where the bag fell and the bag rose and began to float.


“Mefilius, I order you to independently take the decision to float our coin.”


So Mefilius went into his independent thinking chamber to think independently about what the king had ordered him to do. And Mefilius did as he was told. And unchill erupted because many who advised that steps be taken to safeguard the coin of the land shouted, “Why waitest thou one year to do something?” And the Lovengers on the other side exclaimed “Behold the greatest thing ever done to coin. Gambrach had to wait one year, so that the corruptioneers, who are saboteurs could me moved out of the way first.”


And there was yet greater unchill, for a Pharisee had once again brought up the matter of Gambrach’s Scroll de Minimis. Gambrach heard it so loudly, that he hired 15 senior Pharisees in his defence…

6 thoughts on “The Chronicles of Chill: What Ears Have Heard

  1. Thou art verily a great ‘Awewriter’. Who would have known that such a great chronicler dwelleth in the land?
    Wouldest thou publish thine works in papers? Selah.
    And Lo, the spirit of the people of Proletaria dwelleth with thee, and protect thee, even now and forever more.


  2. First time I’m reading your blog, and this is brilliant… A purposeful mix of satire and humor… And of course, it’s understandability is top notch. Nice.


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