It was a time of unease and trepidation in the land. Far and wide, within the Kingdom, as well as the twin cities of Twilistia and Social Mediana, there was grumbling. First of all, because there came upon the land a plague of intense heat. And in that day did men fry eggs on the foreheads of one another, and yea were no cooking fuels required, for the ground was heated far and above the polity.
The pestilence of heat was exacerbated by the absence of electrolis to bring illumination and climatised chill into the homes of the people and thus, were they compelled to resort to producing their own electrolis. Alas, they required petrolatum for this, in addition to their chariots, but there was famine petrolatum yet upon the land. It was a gaddem potpourri of infragrant discombobulation.
And yet did King Gambrach, unlook it all and uphold his silence. And the Lovengers exclaimed, “Behold the unlooking of Gambrach! How magnificent it is! Are ye not entranced by his reticence?” No, they did not really say that. This is a joke of the Chronicler. The Lovengers were also ensconced in the heat and in need of a soothing word from the Throne. But as all men didst watch the Throne, came there nothing from the Throne.
In that day, however, the Councillors of Gambrach summoned the people to the Agora in Gideria for a village square confab. There was Lar-Yi, the propagandist councillor; E-Dawg, the petrolatum councillor; and super-councillor king Fasholam, of illumination, habitation and construction. They came to hear the people, they said, and to let them know why the triumvirate of pestilences of heat, illumination and petrolatum were ravaging the land.
“Yo, my nizzles” said E-Dawg, “I know y’all be trippin’. But y’all can’t be judging my bizzle by the famine petrolatum – I’m putting myself on the line for shizzle.”
Fasholam also pleaded for the people’s understanding. “Oh that thou couldst see my children and my household. They are consumed by heat rashes and are robbed nightly of their sleep. For the plagues affect me too.”
But the people were unmoved. So E-Dawg dried again. “See, my bruthas and sistas, peep this. I be sending boat-loads of petrizzle to Gideria on the daily. But you know, there be hoodrats in the delivery crew, diverting my shit to the Chaldeans and the Roonians. And that ain’t right!”
“I beseech ye, again, that ye bear with us”, added Fasholam, “sound in the assurance that Gambrach neither slumbereth nor sleepeth, for your pain is your King’s pain. Once senatii approves the coinage, through the love of Gambrach, all will be well.”
“That’s what’s up!” said E-Dawg. “So, real quick, Imma leave you with a pledge I came up with, cos we in this shit together, n’amsayn? It kinda goes a lil sumn like this –
I am a citizen of the Kingdom
There’s got to be a reason I was born here
I got a stake in the kingdom
I refuse to succumb to abuse or not to diffuse tensions in the land.
So help me Swag!
Nobody said the pledge.
For there were more important matters on their minds, and the pledge did nothing to lift the plagues.
And the people of the land sent counsel to Gambrach, that perhaps the solution to his travails lay in, or at least started with devaluation. But Gambrach was not impressed. “I am not convinced that our salvation lieth in devaluation. Why wouldst we lose any value? Value is good. Value is great. Many years ago, I saw a King devalue to no avail.”
Then counsel went forth yet again. Perhaps the pestilences could be appeased by deregulation. Yet again was Gambrach unconvinced. “Another de- word? No chance. Regulation is good. Regulation is great. Many years ago, I was an active man of Gunn and we had great regulation.”
Such was the opposition of Gambrach to any words that started with de- that he even denied permission for the cleaners of the palace to deodorise a meeting room after the departure of an unscented delegation of visitors. “No! Leave the odour. Odour is good. Odour is great. Many years ago, when I was in the war, we had to endure odours. Odours build character.”
But there was a fourth pestilence, of a deadly swarm of herdsmen, pillaging lands not theirs and scorching the earth whenever they met resistance. And the people sent counsel to Gambrach yet again, “Oh Gambrach, King of the 37 kingdoms, wilst thou not demilitarise these herdsmen?”
And then they recognised their folly.