The Chronicles of Chill: Epistles from the East


In the thick of the age of Valar Petrolis, right in the heat of the famine petrolatum, Gambrach sojourned to the wise men of the east. These wise men had build a wall that could be seen from the heavens and they were the earthly kings of the art of imitation.

Gambrach sought their counsel and intervention, for the cry of the people was great and their suffering intense. Lo, was it said in one of the many chariot-snakes seeking petrolatum, by a chariotman overwhelmed by circumstances, “Oh, that this kingdom would be disappeared off the face of this planet; and that all of us wouldst die! For our tribulations are many.”

The abridged respite promised by E-Dawg, man of Swag, didst come to pass, but yea was the respite also abridged, for within a week, the chariot-snakes reappeared. And Gambrach didst unlook and behold, E-Dawg sayeth nothing, for the rebuke of Shiwajun remaineth upon his mind. And news from the east reached the people of the 37 Kingdoms, that King Gambrach had arrived safely with the wise men.

The travails of Abushola continued and the Gates of Darth Soukey had not yet closed. Abushola laboured in vain to have his trial abolished, but was told by each higher court, “You must set forth for Conductivitis at dawn.” And so the sword of Conductivitis continued to dangle above his head, and was doing like this and like that, in the full glare of the Kingdom.

And Abushola beseeched the people, “Let not Shiwajun achieve against me in Conductivitis what he failed to at the senatii nomination.” But the people were unmoved, for another breeze blew in from across the seas, bearing tidings of Abushola’s wealth abroad, and that of his wife. It was the whisper of the Parchments of Panamania, and their hush was a raging and loud indictment as far as the people were concerned.

“Know ye not” Abuhsola began in his defence, “that my wife cometh from a well-heeled family and our houses were united in aristocratic positioning? Her daddy rich and her momma good looking!”

And Abushola assembled the largest number of Pharisees ever recorded in the land to defend him at Conductivitis. Behold, did they number 90 – one, it was said, for every property Abushola feared he would have to forfeit to the Kingdom.

The trial didst begin in earnest, eventually, and Abushola who had hitherto run from proverbial pillar to post [to, pastor and prophet, possibly] not to commence his trial declared to the people, “Yea, am I glad and is this day a blessed day, for I shall soon be presented with the opportunity to exonerate myself.”

His scribe, BanksAMakeEmDance, added his voice to his master’s, saying to the people, “What ye know not is that this is a battle for the independence of senatii, that Abushola fights. It is in thine interest for him to win it.” But the people mostly yinmued.

The men and women of senatii however, in defence of their warden and fearful of the sword of Conductivitis, quickly sought to change the law of conductivitis. And the chillometer in the land shot upward, for the people were perplexed. “Abushola!!!!” they cried, “presidest thou over the changing of a law under which thou hast been accused? Is this the change of Gambrach?”

But there came a voice from senatii, a senata from the kingdom of Ekitilopia, who proclaimed “I lend my support to the change of the conductivitis law, for when thy homie’s house burneth, it is wise to make haste to help him, lest the inferno spreadeth to thine own dwelling. You feel me?” And the chillometer continued to show intense readings.

And then word came from the sojourn of Gambrach, that the wise men of the east had heard his supplication, and would directly make their coin available to the 37 kingdoms for trade. And all men, Lovenger and Wailer alike, applauded Gambrach, for they could see how it couldst make the land greener.

But then, further word came that the wise men of the east had also decided to lend their hands to helping the Kingdom build new roads for new improved chariots, new docks for new flying ships and new brains for all those who wouldst think more deeply. But a rumbling arose in Onyenkuzistan, for none of this newness seemed to be on its way in that direction. And when Lay-Si, Gambrach’s ambassador to the Social Medianites and Digital Perusites, responded with “But seest thou not that the coin swap shall mostly be benefited from by thee?” the chillometer finally broke and there was nary a modicum, iota or otherwise any form of chill in the land.

This was bad for the Kingdom, for there was also unchill over the invasion of communities over their pastures green, by cattlemen. The cattlemen maketh their cattle to lie down in green pastures and leadeth them beside the still waters. However, neither the pastures nor the still waters belongeth to the cattlemen, and the owners resisted. The cattlemen left and returned with such a mighty violence that the communities were plunged into the valley of the shadow of death. And Gambrach said nothing and did nothing, though it happened many times. And the people of social mediana lost chill and were aghast.

In Aboo-Jar, Zazu, who was Gambrach’s Domestic Matters Councillor, declared that the unchill of the Social Medianites and the Digital Perusites made the conflict appear much worse than it was in reality. But the people were unhappy, especially as news reached them of an impending law under which land anywhere could be taken and handed over to the cattlemen… So unchill ravaged the land.

And the people cried unto Gambrach, “Behold, great Gambrach, it is neither secret nor lie, that this Kingdom be pretty messed up. But thy frequent sojourns and more frequent silences at our troubles are as though thou wouldst in reality have nothing to do with us. Voyage no more. Stay with us, that we shall know that we art thy people and you art our King!”

The Council of Gambrach heard the cry of the people, particular Fasholam, one-time king of Gideria, who had been appointed Gambrach’s councillor for illumination, construction and habitation. And Fasholam wrote an epistle to the people. “I have voyaged on occasion with Gambrach,” he said “and can hand on chest say that the story of his voyages have been veni, vidi, returnus!”

“Have ye forgotten,” he continued, “how our kingdom was in a state of Pariah Carey, with everyone looking forward to one sweet day when all would be well again? Well, now, Gambrach sitteth with the Rulers of the earth, and standeth and speaketh in a way that giveth me pride. For behold, Gambrach stood in the presence of the 7 Rulers and they were pleased with him. See ye not how Gambrach stabiliseth the price of your petrolatum!?!?”

And the people were confused.

And behold, was there one more epistle from the east, for Yode son of Falasham, king of Ekitilopia had also voyaged there, but not in the company of Gambrach. Lo, did he put pen to paper, crying to the wise men of the east, “Trust ye not Gambrach, and give him no coin. His coinage is tuberculosed and yet unpassed and heck, I don dey give am trouble since, so if una help me pour sand inside that garri, e go too pure!”

And behold, was there not a gaddem iota of chill in the land.


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