The Age of Gambrach: That Demon Missingstopheles


It was the best of times and it was the worst of times in Twilistia. The social medianites had long clamoured for the rule of the law of Twilistia to grant the power to take back portions of their twords that filled them with regret. The gods of Twilistia in their benevolence and wisdom thought it wiser to bless them with a decadecalogue instead.

But all was well in spite of this, for the people were enthralled that the spirit of Egbami had been unleashed upon the land, and the rulers were working out their salvation from the Deliverance Squad Squadron and Gambrach with fear and trembling.

And yea, did month succeed unto month, until it was time for Gambrach to deliver the kingdom’s coinage to the people. Behold, Gambrach appeared unto them, letting them know in an abridged manner, how the kingdom would find and spend its coin.

And the Lovengers proclaimed, “This is by far the bestest coinage of all ages! All hail Gambrach!” Lo, did the people look forward to the particulario specificato of the coinage, but alas there was none. Indeed was there neither word from the scribes of Gambrach, Gar-Bar and FemCallamitus.

But there were two men in the land Stanctibus and Sean Corleone, of a civic society called CoinIt, who came to be possessed of a parchment, of which they were verily convinced was the parchment particulario specificato of the kingdom’s coinage. And they spread the parchment abroad that all men might see. And yea, did all men see but lo, were not all men pleased with what they saw.

And a rumbling began amongst the people, with many denouncing the parchment from CoinIt. “This coinage is afflicted with tuberculosis – verily, say we unto the Apicureans that it is a coinage of tubers!” And yea, did they hash and tag it in all over Twilistia. And in Onyenkuzistan, it was protested that the coinage had no mention of a second bridge over troubled waters.

But word came from the quill of Gar-Bar and FemCallamitus, urging the people to be calm. “Fret ye not, O ye people. Why ragest thou like heathens? Why imaginest thou a vain thing? The Wailers of Padipalia have set themselves together and taken counsel against Gambrach, whom ye have anointed. But he that sitteth in Aboo-Jar, shall yet laugh. So take ye heed, and let heed be therefore taken, that any parchment which be not in circulation is not the parchment from Gambrach!”

And the Lovengers assembled against Sean Corleone and Stanctibus. “Yaaarrr”, they screecched, “ye peddlers of heresies! Ye apothecaries of falsehoods!” But Sean and Stanctibus were steadfast.

In this time, tales spread even further about Darth Soukey and his bullion. And lo was there no one that was someone in the reign of Gejoshaphat that was not said to have benefitted from Soukey’s benevolence. Soukey prayed the court for release temporarium and lo, did the Deliverance Squad Squadron put him back in chains. And a second time the judge freed him, and yet again was he prevented from departing the prisons.

Lo, did another tagging of hashes break out. Some tagged the hash of the tyranny of Gambrach, others, saluting his virility, tagged a hash urging him to fire on. And Twilistia was agog.

Metusalah, the oldest surviving member of the disintegrating house of Padipalia was also apprehended by the Deliverance Squad Squadron. It was said that he had also been blessed by the bullion of Soukey, 400 million times, and that he had admitted as much. But yet did they refuse to charge him with a crime and they refused to release him. And there in the rivers of babylon, there Metusalah wept and refused to eat when he remembered Zion. But he was very quickly afflicted with and consumed by hunger, and so devoured the parchment upon which he was said to have written of his hand in Darth Soukey’s bullion.

And some were troubled.

But the trouble broke the banks when news reached the people from the senatii, that the parchment particulario specificato of Gambrach was missing. There was neither paper copy, nor tablet copy, nor mental copy, nor any version whatsoever available for debate. Of all the engravers of the senatii, their scribes and manservants and handmaidens, all and sundry, not one could find the parchment, those nassholes.

“Where went they?” the people demanded. “Hath Gambrach accepted that his coinage was indeed tuberculosed?”

“Never!” came the reply from Gar-Bar, “a man in my position wouldst know and as far as I know, I know that I know not if or if not Gambrach hath withdrawn the coinage. And a man in my position wouldst know!”

And all at once, the people knew the answer. The perpetrator was amongst them and had always been with them. The perpetrator has made many things that were be as if they were not, in their history. The perpetrator had made 2.8 billion bullion disappear, of which the late bard Fellanimus Kutinski had sung, “It finisheth not! It finisheth not!! It finisheth not!!!”

The perpetrator had made 20 bullion disappear from the coffers of Daisy-Annie.

The perpetrator had made gargantuan ocean-faring vessels and aerial probing devices vanish without a trace.

The name of the perpetrator was well-beknownst of the people. It was the evil spirit, Missingstopheles.





The Vigilant Citizen’s Guide to Jumping Bail


There’s a little confusion on the matter of bail and how it works (or is supposed to work), so I’m going to do my civic duty and try to break it down.

What is Bail?

It’s the process in which a person who’s been arrested for a crime or whose prosecution has started secures temporary released from the custody of the state on the condition that the person attends court or the police station as frequently as the authorities may require.

Why Bail?

Because of the presumption, in the adversarial system of justice that we practice (where burden of proof of crime is on the accuser), that everyone is innocent until charged and proven guilty.

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Is Every Offence Bailable?

No. The respective laws that create offences and applicable punishments typically spell out whether or not a suspect is entitled to apply for bail. Generally, until recently, virtually all offences apart from those attracting capital punishment (the death penalty) were bailable. The world has grown a lot more complex now, so terrorism suspects can also be kept in custody until their trials have been concluded.

What are the General Conditions of Bail?

Typically, the court will require the accused person to produce a surety, who signs a bond with the court undertaking that they will personally see to it that the accused person is present in court whenever required (i.e. during any trial or hearing dates). Depending on the severity of the offence, the surety required ranges from the general responsible member of a suspect’s family to civil servants of a particular level or higher, sometimes with the additional condition of landed property in juicy real estate locations. Typically, the worse your suspected crime, the richer and more well-heeled your surety has to be.

The surety’s bond typically also has them undertaking to forfeit a certain sum of money to the courts in the event that the suspect jumps bail.

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You Mean Suspects Jump Bail?

Hell, yeah! Alams jumped bail in London, back in the day. People jump bail all the time. Prison is terrifying.

What Happens Then?

The surety forfeits the amount of money stated in the bond; has to pay it to the government, as the court orders. And unless it can be established that the surety connived with the accused and was an accomplice in the accused person’s flight, that’s it.

Is GMB Justifiably Scared that Dasuki May Jump Bail?

Of course. A member of the “northern aristocracy” with everything to lose? A seemingly open and shut case against him? Yes, it is a real possibility. Especially with the court granting him permission to go abroad for a medical examination. Like abroad, mehn!

Does This Justify Refusal To Obey Court Orders?

By no means, whatsoever! In a democracy, court orders are to be obeyed first of all and then the judge may subsequently be approached to vary the order, or a higher court to quash it.

NB. I’m guessing here, but I believe the FGN’s tactic with Dasuki has been to re-arrest him on fresh charges at the point of his making bail. It’s dodgy-ish, but cunny man die, cunny man bury am! I say dodgy-ish because it would be highly irregular and patently illegal to simply refuse to let him go or to re-arrest him on the same charges for which he has secured bail.

Is There Middle Ground?

I think so. Obviously, the bail conditions for an extremely wealthy and well-connected person like the erstwhile NSA are nothing but a slap on the wrist. Let’s call a spade a spade. No matter the amount his surety is required to post, he is capable of finding the person. The surety is however unlikely to wield enough influence over him to keep him in the country or compel his attendance at court dates.

So what can be done?

I think the courts should set bail terms as stringent as possible. So maybe Dasuki has to deposit all his property deeds with the court as a further condition or that the DSS implants a microchip in his jaw or that he pay for 3 DSS agents (or more!) to be in his entourage at all times. Something so costly that he would simply have to stay to try to prove his innocence.


And there you have it.