In this season of reflection over the happenings of the past year, it is inevitable that looking back will leave many regretfully melancholic (grammar!). To help with countering this, I have been asked to draw up a list of my 7 funniest things this year. Here they are, in no particular order –
1. Le Selfie du Dele Momodu
Just before the word “selfie” became the cliché of 2013, our dear egbon put up one of himself with a solitary tear running down his left cheek and got the exact opposite of the public reaction he expected. Granted, seeing one’s billionaire benefactor’s daughter begging for an investment pittance would move most to tears. But for an elder statesman (he ran for president, so, yes) to then selfie-fy the moment? Laughs for days.
2. When Catfish isn’t Point-and-Kill
There was the curious case of the Royal Amebo. I’d seen “her” Twitter handle being engaged with by others but had no personal interactions with “her”. Then she died. Heartfelt eulogies and tributes flowed and digital rivers of digital tears were shed. She even had a fiancé. Then it emerged no ne of the eulogisers had ever met her, including said fiancé. They’d been catfished. My question is, who announced her demise? The schadenfreude (with regard to the chief mourner) and epiphanies that followed were epic.
3. Signs and Wonders
Mandela died, but not like Royal Amebo. He really died. And they got a sign language person to help viewers with hearing impediments follow proceedings at his funeral. I suppose they realised something was amiss when, during Barack Obama’s speech, the man signed “Mandela. Catfish. Obama was born in Kenya.” When it all blows over, he will probably enjoy his three months of fame, like the African fella who went for a job interview at the BBC and ended up on their international broadcast, mistaken for a policy expert. Chuckles.
4. More Signs and Wonders
In the year of our Lord 2013, Manchester United fans found their objective bone. Fergie retired and took all their noise and rambunctiousness with him. As the disappointing results piled up, United fans grew introspective, objective and almost fatalistic, even. Moyes may have started winning and winning the united faithful over but for at least four months this year, the world was blessed with humble and objective Reds. God bless David Moyes.
5. I am not a Tribalist
Femi Fani-Kayode, former PDP stalwart, now of the APC, had a prolific year, churning out essays with verve and gusto. Fancying himself a Galahad of the Yoruba people, many of his essays were written with, at the very least, a pro-Yoruba slant. When accused of being tribal in outlook, he denied vehemently, listing amongst other “proof”, 3 Igbo women that he had had “long and intimate” relations with. He then expressed utter shock and disgust when the consensus amongst readers of his trilogy of essays was that he meant, well, long and, uhm, intimate (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). Hehehe.
6. Oga At the Top
In a year of memes, the one that stood out the most and has endured the longest in speech and popular culture references was the one inspired by Agent Shem of the National Strategic Commandoes Directorate of Commandoes (the NSCDC). On telly to discuss a scam recruitment website for the agency, he insisted, when pressed, that he would not be able to disclose the authentic website. Huh? Why the hell you on national telly, then? The fantastic civil servant that he is, he ascribed all websittical glory to his “Oga at the Top” before telling us that the current [but perhaps not yet authentic recruitment] site was “ww dot nscdc…dazzall!”
7. Character and Vehicular Assassinations
Honourable Dino Melaye and Aviation Minister Princess Stella Odua were extremely fortunate this year. In the middle of scandals and crises, some God-forsaken elements now attempted to kill them with magical bullets. At least that is the inference to be drawn when the police claim (in Stella’s case) that the non-bulletproof, non-BMW car, not carrying her at the time it was attacked (48 hours after the attempt took place, during which period the incident was not reported to the police), was riddled with bullet holes and yet they were only able to recover “a spherical metallic object” for further forensic analysis. And in Dino’s case, the police said they found no evidence. I hereby call on Minister of Trade, Olusegun Aganga, to ban the importation of real bullets to protect our nascent magical bullet industry.
Have a happy and prosperous 2014, everyone.